To be hesitant to invite my sons bully?

[confusedlady10]

My sons 6th birthday is coming up and I have invited just over half of his year 1 class. The one boy I haven’t invited has been known to bully the rest of the class and not behave well and he and my son especially have not gotten on. My son has also told me that he’s rude to teachers and the other kids do not play with him apart from one. My son is very friendly and chatty and can be very keen to hang out but is also painfully shy when he’s not confident around certain people/kids.

I think the boy may have picked on him for being an easy target, because since reception he has punched my son in the lip and kicked him in the leg. When my son brought it up to the teacher they told the boy off according to my son and that was that. When I spoke to the school they claimed that my son may have asked him to play even if he didn't want to as he doesn't like him and would have bothered him, and then claimed they didn’t see the punch on the lip or kick to the leg but dealt with it as my son told them what he did. My son and him have avoided each other since so I dropped it.

The kids have all been talking about the party, so he told my son he didn’t want to go and told another two kids to rip up their invitations. I was upset hearing this from my son but understood that he’s probably feeling left out and upset so I did feel bad regardless as he’s only 5.

Then today he told my son he will be nice to him and be his friend and asked if he can come to the party. I know that kids will be kids and so I’d rather this situation put to bed, but my concern is he is only saying this to come to the party, and will go back to bullying him after and that my son is only agreeing with him coming because he doesn’t want him to be left out. Thoughts?

My dad has already paid and we have informed the soft play and given out the invitations so it will be too late. I've spent so long going back and forth in my head over this and over complicating it like many people in the post said. The kids had been talking about it so much initially that I think cancelling will make it worse. I've told my son not to mention the party any more nor to bring it up or speak to the bully and just ignore him.

It was rather foolish of me to even consider the bully's feelings over the other genuine kids who had done nothing wrong who weren't initially invited and the others in this threat are right it's his party and I'm too much of a people pleaser and need to stand up for my son. If he find out and his parents are upset I'm fully prepared for it but doubt they will say anything as the mum and I barley speak and she doesn't really hang at the school gates anyway. My son was so upset even having to admit he's scared of him and doesn't actually want him to come and looked as if he was about to cry telling me. I told him to stay away from the bully all together, and next year I'll stick to about 6 kids and have learned my lesson.

thread*/post.

I’m a bit late to the party(!) here - but I think you’ve done the right thing. Birthday parties are optional and it’s about your son. Not class politics. Your son should have the children he likes there and not a bully. Everyone will have a nicer time. It seems he’s quite manipulative already for his age.

So how will you be retracting the invite given to the bully?
I think this is really awful leaving out one child from a whole class party, and now having to uninvite them.
I really think you should have left things as originally planned and you have made it more complicated by suddenly inviting everyone.

If he hits him again before the party tell your son to tell him he has been uninvited or else you can phone his mother and say the following ……‘look I don’t think the boys get along and there has been a few instances so maybe it’s better if he doesn’t come to the party this year’

I'd take it out of his hands and just say no, numbers are final, no more invites. He feels like he has to say yes, he doesn't actually want his bully at his party. Put your foot down and say no and tell the boy to his face why not if he or his parent comes up to you and asks.

He isn't kind to your son, has physically assaulted and hurt him and children who behave like that are not welcome. They have to learn and this is a prime teachable moment.

Well my son told the bully he could come not me. Then he pushed my son on purpose. Again I am fully prepared to be told IABU for my decision but I’m not having someone at the party that my son doesn’t want to be there and he has told me he wants the rest of the class to come.

Seeing my son break down telling me he is scared of the bully and was scared he will get bullied more for not inviting him is not on and after I gave the bully a chance clearly he’s not respecting that after being mean to my son again.

I hadn’t spoken to the child/childs parents about him coming anyway or given them anything so I just told my son not to bring up the party again, and the kids have stopped talking about it and the bully hasn’t asked again. Can’t please everyone but if anything I have to stand up for and please my own son. I don’t even talk to the parents and most of the parents haven’t RSVP’d so I’m sure some will drop out anyway(annoyingly).

Exactly how I feel. I shouldn’t have invited so many or made it into a class party or even complicated things trying to invite the bully but it’s done now by having the class party. I’m just not going to have my son bring it up at school any further and told him not to talk to the bully at all.

The bully knows 100% what he is doing and clearly as most of the class avoid him and he’s still being mean, he should know why he’s not coming if he does wonder down the line. I didn’t give him an invitation, my son just verbally told him he could come (before I had a chance to print out more over the next few days anyway) so it’s not like I am snatching one physically back or rescinding it verbally from him anyway.

Ok it's just a bit confusing as you have initially said the bully told other boys to rip up their invites (implying paper invitations have been given initially) then you have said dad is paying for all children to go and you can't change parties to anything else because all invitations have been sent out, making it sound like you have invited the whole class including the bully.

I still think you are being mean now purposefully leaving out one child, and with only knowing one side of the story. You haven't really spoken to the teachers about it and while everyone on this thread is raging on your behalf, we only are hearing your side.
I don't understand how much pushing and shoving goes on in your child's school (if what your child is reporting is a true account) and I think I would be more concerned about that.
Also to note I have children saying to me things like they have been 'punched' by another child - there is often an innocent explanation e.g. playing a game that involves fighting and it getting too rough, not an actual punch when you ask the child to show you how it was given and actually a tap. The focus on this other child might now be dominating both you and your child and your son might now be saying what he wants you to hear.
This is why I think you need a clearer picture from the teacher before making judgements and also you have no idea how this child might behave in a different situation and with parents present.

I just can’t believe there’s so much thought going into a 6 year old party. But to then do the one thing that everyone said would make you the asshole and make things worse?

Not sure why you posted tbh.

Yes, I had given invites via paper to the initial parents and the kids had found out and all talked about the invitations (they were specially made Spiderman ones) and the party, so the bully told the only two kids he talks to/is friend's with to rip them up. At this point I hadn't invited the whole class. I have since, given the rest to the other parents discreetly again excluding the bully after my dad paid, but hadn't given the bully's parent's one and was still thinking about it. My son told the bully he could come (this was before he pushed him, and before I had handed out the rest of the invitations) after he asked because he was scared of him.

He has punched my son before and kicked him, and according to my son doesn't talk to the class bar the two, and they have never gotten on and my son has had many issues with him since reception to the point where they know not to play together. My son had another bully who was friends with this one and that boy ended up leaving the school hence the bully not having many other friends, as his main friend left. My son doesn't have any issues like this with the other kids and him telling kids to rip up their invitation (bare in mind, the other kids that didn't receive one at the time, didn't do so) tells me all I need to know.

My son was practically in tears admitting he's scared of the bully which is why he invited him, but doesn't actually want him there which is enough. He's old enough to know who he doesn't want at his own birthday and I need to listen to him. The same way the bully knows he is mean and doesn't like my son, so will probably understand why he isn't there, even if he is upset about it.

Again there is still nothing to say you have spoken to the school about it. All you are saying is what has supposedly happened. If this was my child I would have spoken to the teachers and asked for a class swap if possible.
I would be very surprised that you are saying this boy has no friends - I have worked with some really tricky children (with sen) that have had outbursts where they have sworn or kicked out at classmates BUT they are really popular and lots of children enjoy playing with them. I genuinely can't think of a single child where I work that is disliked by a whole class, even if they are a bit more 'lively'.

The way you present this child is like a monster and I think people are forgetting this is a 5 year old. I think we are getting a very exaggerated and dramatised version of what really goes on.

I have spoken to the class many times. The time he punched my son (he had a cut lip which is how we found out) they claimed the teacher in on that day would have been the one to see it and would have dealt with it with the parents (they rotated teachers in reception and she conveniently left soon after too) so they couldn't speak on what happened and couldn't tell me which child it was anyway. They did nothing, including when I complained about him kicking my son and had conveniently not seen it then either.

My son tells me that the kids don't talk to him apart from a few, and whether that is true or not I don't know and I can only go by what he tells me and can't imagine my son lying or purposely excluding the one boy if he got on well with him, especially knowing his past. After many meetings the school told me that the boys know not to play together and the teachers know to keep them apart. If my son doesn't want him there to the point of getting upset and almost breaking down, I'm leaving it at that especially with him telling the others to rip up their invitations. It's his party and he wouldn't be unnecessarily mean and exclude an innocent child for no reason and shouldn't have to bow down and invite him due to being scared or for any reason tbh.

But originally you weren't inviting the whole class. You have now made a right mess of this by leaving one child out.
How would you feel if this was reversed? What if the other boy has gone home reporting your child as the bully and your child is then the only one not invited to a class party by them?
You seem focused on no one liking him and it doesn't matter as the parents don't seem to talk to many people, but how do you really know that?
You needed to stick to inviting under half the class, now you come across as rude.

I meant the teachers* including the head. They never do anything or claim it was dealt with, with the parents. Now the kids completely avoid each other apart from when he pushed my son (and again the teacher claimed it was in the playground and she would have told the child off and addressed it, but couldn't confirm the child's name or whether she spoke to the parents) so they don't cross paths.

I am not there to know what goes on, I don't know fully whether they can repair this situation or how bad the kid really is and I am not trying to paint him out to be an evil child or anything, but it's clear he still is scared of him and avoids him and doesn't tell me the full picture so I can't run to to the teacher every single time something happens and just told my son to avoid him. If he doesn't want him there, there's a reason.

If my child wasn't invited to a class party for no reason at all of course I'd be upset. If the school told me my child had kicked or punched another child or had issues with him, then clearly I'd understand why he wasn't invited as it wouldn't be out of the blue...

"Your son was never actually invited, as my son naturally only wanted his friends there, and your son regularly bullies him, so he obviously wasn't on the list. He intimidated my son and demanded to be allowed to come, so my son said that he could come, without asking us, because he was frightened and felt threatened by him as usual; but just to confirm and to eliminate any possible doubt, your son absolutely is NOT invited."

Just speak the truth; don't even attempt to wear the shame and awkwardness that belong solely to the boy's own parents.

Sounds to me that the bully (as bullies often do) has learned to be a manipulative little shit at an early age. It's a pity he got invited as he could have learned another valuable lesson - that bullies aren't liked and will miss out.

I'd be enrolling your DS in self-defence classes - they're also good for building confidence. The school sounds ineffectual.

But the extent to this we are not sure about.
I feel everyone is jumping in on this boy who may not have done anything at all this school year.

The school are unable to say specifically how they might deal with another child or name them. A teacher had to once tell me my son got pushed off his chair in class as another child got angry at the work! The teacher couldn't say who the child was (my son told me though as this was in year 4) and she couldn't tell me specific details of the consequence, only that they would be given one.

As I have said a few times this is a 5 year old, not a 15 year old. I think the story is very much exaggerated.

So you think that pretty much the whole class is completely mistaken in believing that he's being so deliberately unkind to them that they avoid him and are frightened of him?

I agree that, given his age, his parents should have been far firmer on him; but it sounds like they're the sort who just don't care. It isn't inevitable at all, but if left decisively undealt-with, many 5yo bullies will become far worse bullies by the time they're 15; then, a few years later, not a few of them will be 'known to the authorities', with some of them maybe even in detention/prison.

As I said before, even if we blithely set aside all of the personal value and rights of OP's DS and the well-behaved children in his class, this 5yo bully is being/has been neglected by not being disciplined and firmly taught right from wrong, as most people with responsible parents learn well before they go to school. His parents may just prefer the easy life, but they are doing him absolutely no favours whatsoever.

And although it should primarily be his parents' issue to deal with, other parents giving him treats as rewards for his nasty behaviour really aren't helping him either - or the rest of society, in the long run.

That was once though.

This child has hit OP's son so hard he's had a cut lip, kicked him, encouraged others to rip up invitations, attempted to intimidate him to try and get an invite and has also pushed him again recently.

Once is very different to your child complaining multiple times about the same child.

In the future, your number 1 priority is protecting your children, not keeping other people happy.
You need to show your children you are in their corner, and they also don't have to put up with awful behaviour to keep other people happy.
If my child was bullying a kid, I would WANT them to miss out on an invitation. There needs to be consequences for bad behaviour or how will it ever stop. Please learn from this.

We only have her word for these things actually happening and this is coming from a 5 year old who knows mum does not like this boy after an incident last year.

There could be another boy going home also saying they are being bullied - mummy Fred has told other children they aren't allowed to play with me. I was playing with Sam and Max and Fred came over. He told me they were invited to his party but I'm not coming because he doesn't like me (this made me mad so I shouted/told them they shouldn't go either and should rip up their invitations). When I ask to play with children Fred comes and tells the friends not to play with me and says they should play with him instead and takes them away.

Yes the boy might have been hit in reception but this is still unclear - I witness a lot of rough play and fill in a lot of accident forms for when things get carried away. Is the cut lip really from a proper smack in the face, or were the boys playing something like power rangers and the punch actually hit rather than pretend? Or the cut lip wasnt necessarily directly caused by the boy but indirectly e.g. pushed over (again playing rough) which meant he got a cut lip.

There are always two sides to any story and I feel that it is very wrong to exclude one child from a party, especially when it is likely the parents would be staying/could be asked to stay.

Of course we only have her word for it, it's the same for all OP's.

I wouldn't be taking the risk and have a child hurt my child (again) at his birthday party.

Funny enough, my son goes to kung-fu classes! I don’t know if it has helped necessarily but it is what it is. I’m thinking about putting him in drama class or something that allows him to speak up more which is something he actually has expressed too.

Tbh I don’t think him and the bully have issues as such any more because apart from the push (or who knows what could be next), they just completely ignore eachother and my son knows to avoid him in the playground. Apart from the previous bully who left, my son is fine with everyone else.