To be hesitant to invite my sons bully?

[confusedlady10]

My sons 6th birthday is coming up and I have invited just over half of his year 1 class. The one boy I haven’t invited has been known to bully the rest of the class and not behave well and he and my son especially have not gotten on. My son has also told me that he’s rude to teachers and the other kids do not play with him apart from one. My son is very friendly and chatty and can be very keen to hang out but is also painfully shy when he’s not confident around certain people/kids.

I think the boy may have picked on him for being an easy target, because since reception he has punched my son in the lip and kicked him in the leg. When my son brought it up to the teacher they told the boy off according to my son and that was that. When I spoke to the school they claimed that my son may have asked him to play even if he didn't want to as he doesn't like him and would have bothered him, and then claimed they didn’t see the punch on the lip or kick to the leg but dealt with it as my son told them what he did. My son and him have avoided each other since so I dropped it.

The kids have all been talking about the party, so he told my son he didn’t want to go and told another two kids to rip up their invitations. I was upset hearing this from my son but understood that he’s probably feeling left out and upset so I did feel bad regardless as he’s only 5.

Then today he told my son he will be nice to him and be his friend and asked if he can come to the party. I know that kids will be kids and so I’d rather this situation put to bed, but my concern is he is only saying this to come to the party, and will go back to bullying him after and that my son is only agreeing with him coming because he doesn’t want him to be left out. Thoughts?

He has punched and hurt your son. I don’t think you are teaching your DS about keeping away from danger if you invite the person who did this to his party.

This kid wasn't invited as he wasn't one of my sons good friends, he had been mean to him a lot in the past. I did ask my son to reconsider and let him come, if the boy hadnt been horrid to him recently, but my son was adamant that he wasn't coming. Fair enough. Kids know their own minds.

It sounds like your DS has a very good handle on personal agency and consent - and he's made good choices based on that.

Not inviting a child to a friend thing, simply because they aren't actually a friend is perfectly valid - just as you wouldn't plan on a personal get-together with close friends from work for a coffee but then throw open the invitation to everybody in the workplace, including those whom you don't even know... however being specifically asked to ignore obvious red flags and give in to toxic people and whatever they want from you is not a helpful lesson to have to learn at all.

The effect on the person being bullied is the same though. Do you think it is less hurtful to be bullied because you are a child? Do you think kids are less sensitive and less vulnerable than adults?

Op id take your son's lead on this. Does he want to invite this boy? Maybe he will actually behave better if he is shown some kindness. However if your son doesn't want him there and just feels pressurised to invite him then dont it.

If you do invite him then I think the pp had a brilliant idea of telling his parents they need to accompany him and keep an eye on him as he has hit and kicked your son previously. If his parents are sensible that might be an eye opener for them and improve things for everyone including this little boy.

Not only has he punched OPs son, but is also manipulating boys who are on the guest list to rip up invitations and ostracise him.

it would be a hard no from me. I like that idea of telling DS to blame you and he’s not allowed to invite anyone else, but also like the suggestion to say he might be able to come next year if he is nice.

All this to-ing and fro-ing by you has confused your son. This should have been a clear cut situation - bully doesn’t get to attend the party yet here you and your son are, wanting to invite him.
I’d love the world to be “be nice and kind to everyone” and everything is lovely, but reality isn’t like that.
Be decisive and model that to your son.

If you invite this bully you are rewarding him for his bad behavior and saying it’s ok he hit and kicked your child!

Many years ago, I had my one and only birthday party. I was 7.

We invited all the kids in the block apart from the one family where they used to bully everyone else - I'm talking about physical bullying.

Well, to my horror the the bullies turned up at our door for the party. Afterwards, Mum said "What could I do...They were standing there with a quarter pound of Milk Tray..."

They behaved at the party...

A year later the youngest kid (younger than I was at the time) threw a stone at me just as my adult front teeth were coming in. It cost me about 5k 10 yrs ago to pay for the implant and crown that I needed. (I previously had a composite addition followed by two NHS crowns.)

Leopards rarely change their spots.

Not sure if anyone's still here but I have an update. My dad agreed to pay the difference of the party and so now it has somehow become a class party and he's paid for the extra kids at the soft play because he said the bully shouldn't get to go over the remaining kids and offered. But my son told me that even though he told the bully he could come after behaving himself and agreeing to be nice, he ended up pushing him again at school.

So clearly he isn't changing any time soon, but I'll have to invite him unless I exclude him from what has become a class party. Thoughts? My son said he told the teacher who simply told the boy off and that was it, so I'm going to bring it up again at school. Next year I'm definitely learning my lesson and avoiding all of this fuss and only having a small party with about 6 kids. Ugh.

Honestly, I think a little pushing and shoving at school always goes on at that age especially between boys, do you tell your son to push him back, it’s probably what he needs to do the next time

When I read that you turned it into a class party so you could invite the boy that is assaulting your child, I felt incredibly sorry for your son, that you'd allow him to be put in that position.

To then hear that less than 24 hours after, he's pushing your son again, please don't invite him. Yes it's now more difficult because it's a class party, but you're supposed to be your son's protector, not enabling abuse.

I am not sure why you backed down on the guest list. There really wasn't an issue when you weren't inviting the 'bully', the few other boys plus all the girls. Now you have made it more complicated where if you don't invite him it's more obvious and not just a case of limited numbers.

Also I am not sure what you are expecting the school to do. At this age there is a lot of rough play. I have spoken to all the KS1 teachers today about speaking to the children about lunchtimes (I am out with the children on the playground). The number of children that get hurt because of children being too rough, or just the telling tales of another child hurt them I can't keep track of. Ones that I spot and confirm they did do anything get stood off the playground for 5 mins and get followed up in class by the teacher.
What do you think this child needs?
If they are as bad as you say, then it is likely the teachers already know, and the school may already be trying to work on a plan (e.g. is the behaviour linked to sen, can a TA be out with the child for lunchtimes)

My Dad offered to pay the difference and invite the class so I just let him to avoid drama, because my son changed his tune and asked the bully to come. Then this happened with him pushing my son. I had been trying to go with what he wanted rather than stand my ground, which I admit was foolish of me and regret it.

Tbh not much because I've just come to the conclusion that they aren't really going to do much/can't. Just tired of things calming down and then my son coming home to tell me another thing the bully has done.

Then escalate with the school. I started by going beyond DS’s teacher, asking safeguarding lead and Head what their bullying policy was and how they implemented it, and ended up getting together with other parents of children also bullied by the same child, and involving the governing body. The upshot was that the bully had a TA on him one-on-one during the whole school day, and his mother was banned from school premises and events.

Does he bully any of the other children or is he deliberately singling your son out. I'd go to the school and ask what they are doing to protect your son.

Just invite the other boys and leave out bully and the few others. I wouldn't exclude just 1 child.

You need to stop making it all so complicated.

If you don't have the money to invite the whole class I certainly wouldn't waste money inviting someone who has previously bullied him.
And he's trying to say he will behave himself for an invitation, I wouldn't want to teach him that blackmail is encouraged with my child. I would want to teach him that if you punch my child you are not invited to his party.
It is literally how school teaches children to have better behaviour "if you behave badly you will miss the next school trip" etc.

Have you invited the rest of the class yet? If not, there's time to pull this back.

Frankly the money side is irrelevant. It's lovely that your dad has offered to pay for your child's bully to come and be mean to him at his party, but the answer should have been no.

It's upto you as mum to demonstrate boundaries to your son. Instead you showed him how he needs to be nice to someone that has hurt and continues to hurt him emotionally and physically.

Your son is saying to invite him because he's a young child who has probably been told he needs to be nice. Deep down I can't imagine he wants someone that is so cruel to him to attend.

I feel quite sorry for him, especially because it's meant to be a treat for him.

Sorry, but I think you've screwed up here,.and his subsequent behaviour has sown that in shiny red flags. The question is what you can do here to make this fair on your son.

I wouldn't invite him. He has bullied your child so why would you want to risk having him at the party?

Your child should be able to spend his birthday and his party not worrying about the presence of this other boy.

I think it is perfectly fair and reasonable to exclude a bully. Actions have consequences. If his parents ever ask why he got no invitation then tell them the truth.

My son said he used to bully the rest of the class but him the most. So now my son/the rest of the class avoid him and he only has 1-2 friends. They don't talk apart from when another situation comes up randomly.

Is the correct answer.

Having read the update about the latest pushing you need to stop being such a bloody wet wipe. Do not invite the boy who keeps physically pushing your child around.

I get the impression that far too much has been put on your son here. He’ll want to invite the other boy because being kind/nice/inclusive is the taught thing.

I think you should’ve been the adult here and told your son that the other boy does not get to hurt him then come to his party. That people who hurt him aren’t his friends, and that they aren’t included, end of story.

Personally, I think you’re setting your son up to accept being treated like shit in the future. Teach him how to fight back against this little boy instead.

Did the other invited children know that the bully hadn't been invited; and do they know now that he has been?

If he's been bullying all of the class, to the extent that they avoid him, you might now find that some of your DS's actual friends who have been invited change their minds and don't come after all, because the bully will be there.

I agree with PP: it's horrible that he'll feel now that he has to watch his back and not relax properly and enjoy the fun at his own birthday party.

Your poor son and the rest of the class now have the chances of having a party spoiled by someone who has consistently been bullying and manipulating the kids in the class. I don’t care that he’s only 5 he has made kids lives miserable. My grandson is now 10 but there have been two kids in his class who the last two years make his school day really hard by relentless name calling and pushing. I would have absolutely no qualms about not inviting them to any party even if it was just them not coming. If they dislike my grandson so much as to target him most days then they don’t deserve a party and my grandson doesn’t need to be anxious. Putting your foot down teaches your child that it’s ok to have boundaries and not pander to bullies. Sorry OP I think it’s been made way too complicated. And also I wouldn’t care what other mums think it’s my child that’s the most important person.