To be hesitant to invite my sons bully?

[confusedlady10]

My sons 6th birthday is coming up and I have invited just over half of his year 1 class. The one boy I haven’t invited has been known to bully the rest of the class and not behave well and he and my son especially have not gotten on. My son has also told me that he’s rude to teachers and the other kids do not play with him apart from one. My son is very friendly and chatty and can be very keen to hang out but is also painfully shy when he’s not confident around certain people/kids.

I think the boy may have picked on him for being an easy target, because since reception he has punched my son in the lip and kicked him in the leg. When my son brought it up to the teacher they told the boy off according to my son and that was that. When I spoke to the school they claimed that my son may have asked him to play even if he didn't want to as he doesn't like him and would have bothered him, and then claimed they didn’t see the punch on the lip or kick to the leg but dealt with it as my son told them what he did. My son and him have avoided each other since so I dropped it.

The kids have all been talking about the party, so he told my son he didn’t want to go and told another two kids to rip up their invitations. I was upset hearing this from my son but understood that he’s probably feeling left out and upset so I did feel bad regardless as he’s only 5.

Then today he told my son he will be nice to him and be his friend and asked if he can come to the party. I know that kids will be kids and so I’d rather this situation put to bed, but my concern is he is only saying this to come to the party, and will go back to bullying him after and that my son is only agreeing with him coming because he doesn’t want him to be left out. Thoughts?

But unless every other party that's every been was a whole class party what is going to "get around"?

The issue is protecting the child being bullied. Assuming the school/parents don't care, the parents of the child being bullied have to look for a solution.

So does having a child that hits and kicks other children.

How is it a solution?

Inviting him to the party isn't going to magically change his personality, he could even bully OP's son at his own birthday party. That isn't protecting him.

I actually think this is a hard one- if you know the parents then you’d know if the child had any SEND and might be the reason behind is aggression/hitting etc. but if you don’t know the parents I would urge you not to prejudge this child and label them the bully and show your child it’s ok to exclude a child for potentially something out of his control. If you know for certain there’s no SEND and the parents are likely to play of his bad behaviour as ‘boys will be boys’ I wouldn’t invite them. I find it so hard to understand what goes on at school as teachers can only give you a half picture due to confidentiality etc etc.

After the punching kicking situation I went down to the school and addressed it with his dad on the phone as he was late from a meeting at work. The school said they spoke to the child and made him apologise but didn't see it happen in the playground, this was near the end of reception. Since then, I told my son to leave him alone and not go near him or bother him, so they now just avoid each other and since coming back from summer I haven't heard any issues as they know not to talk to each other. My son told me that he is mean to some other kids sometimes now instead however.

It's not a solution. It could be the lesser of two evils. The OP will come to the right decision, I'm sure.

No. In the situation of their own child's birthday party they have to look out for their child.

That's exactly how I feel, I don't want to judge, but equally don't want someone there that most of the other kids in the class don't like. But I totally understand some people's point of view about not excluding him, I just don't want the bullying to continue, or for him to only be nice to come to the party. They aren't close, and although they don't interact any more according to my son, my son is shy and doesn't like to tell him or other kids off and I don't know the full picture as to what goes on at school between him and my son, but have heard he kicks and pushes other kids, from my son.

I gave the invites to the parents discretely when the kids weren't around after the kids had gone in the classroom, in my son's school you aren't allowed to hand out invites in the classroom or to the teachers. The parents might have spoken about it and told the kids, and the next day I heard all of the kids talking about the party in the line up and to my son too saying they couldn't wait to come and thank you. Tbh I didn't think it would become such a talking topic, but every day now it's all they seem to talk about, and I gave them out a month in advance to the parents to prepare and that's why I feel (perhaps unreasonably) bad.

Unless you always do full class parties, some children are always going to be excluded. He isn't the only child who isn't invited and it's because they aren't close, just like with the other children who also aren't invited.

Every child can't be invited to birthday parties and it isn't your responsibility to try and solve this boys behaviour which isn't going to happen with one birthday party anyway.

It is your responsibility to be sure that your son feels safe and comfortable, especially at his birthday party. He'll want to be with his friends, not someone who either kicks him or doesn't bother with him at all unless he wants something out of it such as coming to his party.

Yes, I agree - it's natural consequences: if you go out of your way to be nasty to people, they don't want to share their special day and associated treat with you.

I'd personally be very concerned at a 5/6yo already having reached a point where he is actually telling other children to rip up their invitations. An immature "I don't want to come to your silly party anyway" is one thing; but already being manipulative enough to think about encouraging/ordering other kids, not even just to not go, but actually to tear up their own invitations.

Yes, 5 or 6 is still young; but they're well beyond the capricious toddler stage of still learning about emotions and other people's feelings - and should by now well understand the absolute basics about how we simply don't bully other people. It's worrying that he's already set on this vindictive behavioural pattern at his age.

100% the birthday boy needs to be centred here, and not have himself and his special event thrown under the bus as a sacrifice to reinforce to a nasty child a lesson that being nasty to people is just fine and doesn't carry any negative consequences at all.

Aside from anything else, what makes this boy so very special that the other 9 or so children in the class who presumably haven't bullied or been nasty to OP's DS but just aren't especially close friends with him are fine to still not be invited; but he should be given a very special reward for his horrible behaviour and treatment of another child?

Thank you.

As it's half the class I wouldn't invite him. If whole class I would.

@confusedlady10
Just seen last update.
You don't know so dont feel bad. The child may have a diagnosis, may not yet have one, may not need one, or may not get one till he pursues it as an adult. For all the if, buts and maybes you can only go off what you know now.
That is:
DS and child dont play together
the child has hit your DS,
the child only wants to go because others have been invited,
he is the only one making a fuss about it.

It is not your responsibility to fix this for the child.

Also I realise in my OP I meant, I invited just UNDER* half the class not over. Apologies. The majority of the boys are going, bar a few as my son is naturally closer to them, so there are more boys invited than girls which is why I also felt bad, with all of the kids discussing it.

Not getting your reasoning at all. If they’re discussing it, more than half the class are going to realise they haven’t made the cut?
Unless you mean within a small group of friends who hang out together, which includes both your son and this boy?
Is he the only member of a tight knit group not invited?

Why would you even consider inviting a bully to your childs own party ?! You’re supposed to protect your child - not open him up to his bully at his own party ! Wow !

That’s your fear of judgement and your people-pleasing, though. Nothing to do with parenting, protecting your child. What you teach your child is that your fear of gossip is more important than him being bullied.

No way would I invite my child's bully to their party, even if it was a whole class party.
I'd be telling the parents why if they ask.

I would HAPPILY leave a child out of a party if they're a bully.
My child, their party, their right to a good time, their right to not be at risk of bullying, their friends, their birthday.

My child doesn't have to spend their free time with someone that isn't nice to them and I'm sorry for the children of all the posters that would invite a BULLY to their child's birthday for fear of leaving someone out 😂 Christ.

My 10yo dts are in their last year of primary. From day 1 at nursery there's been two kids who are both equally fucking nasty, that's not changed in 7 years, still the same 2 causing problems daily. Chairs chucked at heads, branches whacked round heads, head held and slammed into walls school ipad stamped on twice... School won't and actually can't do bugger all now so no I certainly won't make my child see this kid outwith school.

Protect your kid.

The same occurred in my sons class. 1 bully who took turns continually bullying different children. He wasn’t invited on play dates, or to parties. He missed out and that was his and his parents fault who provided no discipline.

now in year 6 he still kicks off to teachers but the bullying kids has reduced. Not one parent feels bad and even some who initially stayed close to him have quietly distanced themselves over time as they realised that they didn’t want their child associated with him.

its very sad in many ways, on the other hand why should anyone invite a bully to their party/home

Majority of the boys are going apart from 1-3. The boys who aren't going aren't particularly friends with my son and hang together and those mums tend to stick together and don't seem to talk to the rest of us, so to save money I left them out. My son only picked the boys he is friends with that mainly hang with each other. The bully is friend's with one of the kids going and partially with the other one, they've all been talking about it to him, so he may feel left out but otherwise the other kids in the class don't talk to him (this is all according to my son). Then my son told me that he he told them to rip up their invitations, but then now asked my son if he could come and apologised for how he treated him and told him he'd be nice to him now. That's why I feel bad.

If the bullying boy is ready to be nice, and if your son wants to forgive him in time, then there's always next year. Having boundaries in not inviting the person you punched you in the face is just sensible.