To be hesitant to invite my sons bully?

[confusedlady10]

My sons 6th birthday is coming up and I have invited just over half of his year 1 class. The one boy I haven’t invited has been known to bully the rest of the class and not behave well and he and my son especially have not gotten on. My son has also told me that he’s rude to teachers and the other kids do not play with him apart from one. My son is very friendly and chatty and can be very keen to hang out but is also painfully shy when he’s not confident around certain people/kids.

I think the boy may have picked on him for being an easy target, because since reception he has punched my son in the lip and kicked him in the leg. When my son brought it up to the teacher they told the boy off according to my son and that was that. When I spoke to the school they claimed that my son may have asked him to play even if he didn't want to as he doesn't like him and would have bothered him, and then claimed they didn’t see the punch on the lip or kick to the leg but dealt with it as my son told them what he did. My son and him have avoided each other since so I dropped it.

The kids have all been talking about the party, so he told my son he didn’t want to go and told another two kids to rip up their invitations. I was upset hearing this from my son but understood that he’s probably feeling left out and upset so I did feel bad regardless as he’s only 5.

Then today he told my son he will be nice to him and be his friend and asked if he can come to the party. I know that kids will be kids and so I’d rather this situation put to bed, but my concern is he is only saying this to come to the party, and will go back to bullying him after and that my son is only agreeing with him coming because he doesn’t want him to be left out. Thoughts?

Why are you inviting an unpleasant little boy who may well even bully your son at his own party??

Next time don't hand out invitations at all, just set up a Whatsapp group with the parents of the kids you are inviting.

And obviously you don't invite a bully.

You’re trying to be far too nice and need to stop it. It’s your son’s birthday, you shouldn’t risk this other boy ruining it. I wouldn’t give it any more thought.

I must admit, I'm getting curious "who exactly is the bully here?" vibes.
@confusedlady10 I think you need, first and foremost, to get the school to step up in their response. Worrying about party invites seems oddly mis-matched to the situation you describe. If what you've written is true, and this little boy is doing things like punching your son in the lip, birthday party invites are the last thing you need to be worrying about.

Do not invite someone who hits your DC to their birthday party. It’s poor boundaries, a terrible example to set for your DC and unlikely to go well for you, DC or many of the other kids at the party. (And quite possibly not for the bully, either).

Even if you’d invited the whole class except the bully, I’d say that was a mistake but that wouldn’t make inviting the bully appropriate. It’s not your DC who made the mistake, he shouldn’t suffer because of it. Since you’ve not invited the whole class, there’s no good reason to invite the bully.

I would be a bit more on the ball with the school over the bullying, though. Physical assault has the potential to completely obliterate your DC’s confidence at school and ruin his entire school career and it seems the boy does not have the social skills to deal with his disappointment without lashing out. And kids are frequently remarkably reticent to tell adults when they are being targeted, I think they think it must be normal and because things rarely happen instantly if they mention something, they seem to think it’s pointless to say anything at all.

I do agree with you that a 5 year old might well be disappointed to see invites going out to other children but not him - I don’t think that was the most thoughtful way to invite some members of a class to a party not all of them will attend - he probably wasn’t the only one disappointed. Nevertheless, he responded in a way he shouldn’t have and the teachers probably need to know he’s struggling. It will be much harder to get strong action if it becomes needed if you haven’t been discussing things that have happened in the run up. I don’t mean trying to insist on the school punishing him or anything. I just mean voicing concern or admiration when things worrying or good incidents happen and listening to their perspective so you and they have a rounded idea of what’s happening.

We didnt invite DDs bully last year. One of 3 girls not invited. This snub changed her behaviour for the better....for now. It had the desired effect. I think people treat children like they are stupid when they really are not.

I know it isn't helpful...

But this is one of the many reasons why I dislike the "need" to invite loads of people to a kids birthday party. Whole class.. half the class..

I guarantee that it is 90% of the time all for the parent's benefit. Most kids are happier in a smaller mix of people that they actually like and get on really well with, rather than a chaotic mess of classmates.

Of course if you invite all the boys except one, it isn't good... but why do you need to invite all of the boys? How many does your son actually see and play with regularly outside of school and are actual friends that he would care about coming?

so you make your son miserable on his birthday and the rest of the class feeling awkward so this one kid can be rewarded for hitting your son yes great message giving out if people bully/hit you that's ok we will invite them to a nice outing and say well done for being a bully

Oh don’t be so wet. The kid is a little shit. Hopefully he’ll grow out of it but in the meantime, he doesn’t get to come and be a little shit at the party.

My children are 18 now and one thing I learnt is this is not about this one child feeling left out - it’s about showing your son it’s important to have boundaries and if someone is bullying him or he does not like someone it’s ok to make a boundary and not invite this kid. In fact it’s important you don’t - because if you do you are showing your son other peoples feelings are more important than his own. And if he approaches the world that way unfortunately that will make him more at risk of further bullying from others.

I think it's a shame that the OP listened to the "But he's just a little boy" "be nice" posters before the more reasoned voices turned up.

Schools are required by law to be inclusive, treat everyone fairly, to consider the bigger picture, not play favourites etc. Which is why it sometimes looks to parents like bullying situations aren't handled the way parents would like or schools find it hard to balance the needs and rights of both/all children in these situations.

The same obligation does not exist for parents arranging birthday parties.

Personally, as a parent and a teacher, I think it's really sad the OP has felt the need to go back on the original plans and include a child who was hitting, pushing and being unkind to her child. The fact he pushed him after he was told he could come shows that it isn't going to stop the behaviour because these behaviours are complex and the dynamics between the children already established.

Schools have very little power/few resources to manage/change these behaviours. Sometimes it has to come from experiencing the consequences of them directly, such as not having anyone to play with or not being invited to birthday parties. And the other children deserve some respite from it. I appreciate that some don't like the word bully applied to such a young child but it doesn't change the reality or the impact of the behaviours.

All.this little boy has learnt is that he was told no, he wasn't invited; he told other children to tear up their invitations becaise he wasn't invited; he promised the OP's son that he wouldn't hit him again if he allowed him to go. And then he was invited. And then he pushed the child, and he's still going. He has learnt this behaviour works for him. He's too young to reason that he was given a chance and so had better change his ways. He has learnt that hitting people and being unkind works.

Have you spoken to the school about your son being targeted by this boy?
Does your child genuinely keep away from them at break times?
Asking because I have had teachers tell me to keep certain children apart at lunch times because parents have complained they are worried the other child is targeting theirs...only to then have to spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to tell the child whose mum has complained to keep away from the other child as mummy doesn't want you to play with them and the child to be annoyed at this and to keep gravitating to them at every opportunity!

In the classroom its generally easy to keep children apart, so if things are happening here you definitely need to speak to the teacher. They can look at how close their carpet spaces are, whether they are in the same group for sitting at tables, whether they are next to each other when lining up in register order.

Han86

I agree.

It's easy to keep children apart in the classroom. Most of the problems happen at breaktime and lunchtime when the teacher on duty or lunchtime supervisor has to try and manage it when the children gravitate towards each other.

Unfortunately, the OP has now made it harder for her son to set boundaries and stay away from this child because they both know whose back the OP had.

Even if we're ignoring the birthday boy and his friends who don't bully him, and their comfort and enjoyment... the one person who most definitely is not helped by inviting the bully is the bully himself.

it's one single birthday party he is missing - one that isn't for a friend of his, and so which he wouldn't expect to be invited to anyway; it isn't about destroying his life, wrecking his school career or setting up obstacles that will impede him for years to come.

In fact, if he continues to misbehave as he is now, HE will end up wrecking his own life. Before long, he will no longer have people looking on in sympathy and saying "Oh, but he's only a little boy, son let's ignore his terrible behaviour".

One could hope that relatively small things like this could help him to realise the consequences if his actions and think about reframing his life choices. Leaving him to get away with it unaddressed and effectively encouraging him to act like this is actually setting him up for a fall, and leaving him destined to become a hated, despised teenager who is just distraught and left wondering all the time why nobody likes him or wants to be his friend.

Nip it in the bud for his own sake, even if you don't care about all of the other children and their happiness.

I've read your update, that was silly of you. Can you contact the boys dad to remind the invitation as they're not getting along? Stop worrying about other people's feelings, when you shoufocus on your son's.

100% this

The bully will probably say after what a rubbish party it was and then you'll kick yourself for giving in to a 5 year old

I agree. He's already used to getting what he wants and everything always being about him, with nobody ever telling him No.

I highly doubt he will be truly thankful and appreciative for being invited to the fun party thatvhe was desperate to muscle in on. Even if he has the time if his life, he'll likely neg it and say it was stupid and not worth going to anyway - because that's exactly the way he's learned to exert his dominance: by putting other people down.

I just couldn’t bring myself to invite anyone who had punched and kicked my child. It’s also a lesson to your son to stand strong on having boundaries. We shouldn’t need to bribe someone to be nice to us.

Totally agree

Nah, no way would I invite him.

Yup. I now made the decision to invite the class and exclude the bully. People might think I'm crazy for doing so which I fully expect to be told IABU. My dad paid for the rest of the class to come and I gave out the rest of the invitations discretely. My son admitted he's scared of the bully which is why he said he could come.

I am not putting up with it, so I just told him not to bring up the party at school or talk to the bully (who hasn't been given an invitation anyway). The kids have stopped talking about the party now, and some kids might drop out anyway so it is what it is. Seeing my son's reaction and him admitting he doesn't want him to come but is scared of him is sad.. I'm not rewarding bad behaviour and will never do a class party again.

Just seen your update, well done for standing up for your child.

@confusedlady10 as you are learning party dynamics can be stressful, just stick to the children your DS wants to celebrate with next year. Bless your dad for making it a class party.
Next year dont be discreet about the party invitations. Just get DS to give them out, even if everyone isn't invited. The other kids will be doing the same.
I hope you all have a fun day at the party 🥳 and Ds enjoys his birthday.

Could you cancel the party and re arrange for another time with a smaller group

I don't really understand this.
You can't really take back an invitation. That's really mean. How will you even do this? Message the parent and ask for it back and say sorry he isn't invited after all?