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Original poster

To be hesitant to invite my sons bully?

236 replies

confusedlady10 · 22/09/2025 18:15

My sons 6th birthday is coming up and I have invited just over half of his year 1 class. The one boy I haven’t invited has been known to bully the rest of the class and not behave well and he and my son especially have not gotten on. My son has also told me that he’s rude to teachers and the other kids do not play with him apart from one. My son is very friendly and chatty and can be very keen to hang out but is also painfully shy when he’s not confident around certain people/kids.

I think the boy may have picked on him for being an easy target, because since reception he has punched my son in the lip and kicked him in the leg. When my son brought it up to the teacher they told the boy off according to my son and that was that. When I spoke to the school they claimed that my son may have asked him to play even if he didn't want to as he doesn't like him and would have bothered him, and then claimed they didn’t see the punch on the lip or kick to the leg but dealt with it as my son told them what he did. My son and him have avoided each other since so I dropped it.

The kids have all been talking about the party, so he told my son he didn’t want to go and told another two kids to rip up their invitations. I was upset hearing this from my son but understood that he’s probably feeling left out and upset so I did feel bad regardless as he’s only 5.

Then today he told my son he will be nice to him and be his friend and asked if he can come to the party. I know that kids will be kids and so I’d rather this situation put to bed, but my concern is he is only saying this to come to the party, and will go back to bullying him after and that my son is only agreeing with him coming because he doesn’t want him to be left out. Thoughts?

OP posts:
Wowzel · 22/09/2025 18:17

If i had invited the whole class but him, I would invite him.

As you have only invited half the class I would say he couldn't come.

mzpq · 22/09/2025 18:18

Tell his mum that due to some past problems you're inviting him on the condition that either she or his dad stays with him.

hydriotaphia · 22/09/2025 18:18

I think as you have only invited half the class it is ok to have excluded him. It wouldn't be ok to exclude one person at that age. I would be hesitant about labelling a 5 year old a bully though.

mzpq · 22/09/2025 18:20

Just to clarify, you've invited half the class and just left out one of the boys?

"The one boy I haven’t invited has been known to bully the rest of the class and not behave well and he and my son especially have not gotten on."

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 22/09/2025 18:21

Definitely don’t invite him. My DD is the same age and the party invites this year have already started leaving out the nasty kids which I’m glad to see. Hopefully it might make them think twice about their behaviour. The parties have been much nicer so far without the aggressive kids present.

CharlieKirkRIP · 22/09/2025 18:23

He will bully your son again whether he comes to the party or not so why bother having him at what should be a lovely party for your son!

The other children won’t want him there and may not go if he goes.

Greenfinch7 · 22/09/2025 18:24

I don't think it is ok to leave out just one boy.

To me it seems fair to invite either: a small group, the whole class, all the boys, or all the girls.

Goodadvice1980 · 22/09/2025 18:24

Do not invite him to your ds birthday party. The child needs to learn actions have consequences.

Iamthemoom · 22/09/2025 18:25

Don’t do it. I did the whole ‘be kind, don’t leave anyone out’ and invited a bully to my DD’s party when she was little. The bully ruined the whole party. As it’s not a whole class party I wouldn’t worry and if his parents ask why he’s not invited be honest! Better to deal with his bullying now than let it carry on as it will only get worse as he gets older if it’s not nipped in the bud.

FuzzyWolf · 22/09/2025 18:25

If he is the only boy excluded then you are in the wrong. He’s a young child and exclusion is a form of bullying; the very thing you are accusing him of.

WhamBamThankU · 22/09/2025 18:26

I don’t disagree with your reasons for not wanting him there, but the exclude one boy is so obvious and quite nasty/childish.

MaybeIf · 22/09/2025 18:26

He repeatedly targets a child, he deals with the consequences.

DontStopMeNowGoodTime · 22/09/2025 18:26

Don't invite him to the party. Why did the boy tell other children to rip up theri invites? Where the invites handed out at school?

Original poster
confusedlady10 · 22/09/2025 18:27

Wowzel · 22/09/2025 18:17

If i had invited the whole class but him, I would invite him.

As you have only invited half the class I would say he couldn't come.

Yeah, the class is about 25 kids and I have invited around 15, mostly the boys that he gets on with and a few of the girls. I just couldn't afford the whole class and the rest of the kids I didn't invite are either not close to my son or the parents don't talk to me so I had to be selective. Two of the boys that were told to rip up the invitation are friends with the bully but nice to my son so I do feel bad that they are talking about the party and he may feel left out which is why I'm starting to reconsider but might not. Thank you.

OP posts:
DontStopMeNowGoodTime · 22/09/2025 18:27

FuzzyWolf · 22/09/2025 18:25

If he is the only boy excluded then you are in the wrong. He’s a young child and exclusion is a form of bullying; the very thing you are accusing him of.

Missed from the OP that he's the only boy not invited. Agree with this.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 22/09/2025 18:28

Don't invite punchy kid to ruin the birthday.

Londonrach1 · 22/09/2025 18:28

Don't invite him. You are only inviting half the class. If it was the whole class you have to invite him but as only half the class you don't need to invite him. Let your son enjoy his birthday party without being bullied

MaybeIf · 22/09/2025 18:28

WhamBamThankU · 22/09/2025 18:26

I don’t disagree with your reasons for not wanting him there, but the exclude one boy is so obvious and quite nasty/childish.

Seriously? Would you invite to your birthday party a colleague who’d received a disciplinary for workplace bullying you? Would it be ‘nasty’ not to? How would you feel if your line manager told you you were being childish?

Apocketfilledwithposies · 22/09/2025 18:29

Dont invite him op. Teach your ds to say "I have chosen 15 kind friends and there is no more space."

I'd actually say this to your ds too as fact. This is the number you've planned and he chose his friends so hold that boundary in place for him, he might feel less social pressure from the uninvited child then.

I think because you've only invited half the class it's fine. My youngest is 6 too and the year group of kids and parents have definitely noticed which kids aren't very kind and are making their own choices on playdates and parties. If you'd invited the whole class but one child that would be different.

Original poster
confusedlady10 · 22/09/2025 18:29

DontStopMeNowGoodTime · 22/09/2025 18:26

Don't invite him to the party. Why did the boy tell other children to rip up theri invites? Where the invites handed out at school?

No, I handed out the invitations discretely to the parents away from the kid's, but the kids have told each other about it and most likely been aware of the invitations after being shown them by the parents.

OP posts:
Namechangerage · 22/09/2025 18:30

mzpq · 22/09/2025 18:18

Tell his mum that due to some past problems you're inviting him on the condition that either she or his dad stays with him.

Ooh this is a good idea!! I’d actually want to suss him out to be honest.

TheMeasure · 22/09/2025 18:31

I don’t see why the OP
is considered to be “in the wrong”’for not inviting a child who has been unpleasant, not only to her son but others too.
I don’t blame her for not wanting him there.

TheatricalLife · 22/09/2025 18:31

Absolutely not. He will ruin the party and your son deserves to feel safe and happy in his own space on his birthday. If questioned by the mother I'd have no problems telling her the truth. I'd also be speaking to the school about the continued bullying.

Rtmhwales · 22/09/2025 18:32

He has physically hurt your child. I don’t understand these posts saying it’s not fair to exclude him. What message are you sending your child if they have to invite someone who physically hurts them to the one day a year that is supposed to celebrate them? If they were 2 or 3, maybe I’d understand, but at 5, nearly 6 children know it’s not right to hurt one another.

ARichtGoodDram · 22/09/2025 18:32

Seriously? Would you invite to your birthday party a colleague who’d received a disciplinary for workplace bullying you? Would it be ‘nasty’ not to? How would you feel if your line manager told you you were being childish?

a workplace bully is in no way comparable to a 5 year old child. It's a stupid comparison.