To be hesitant to invite my sons bully?

[confusedlady10]

My sons 6th birthday is coming up and I have invited just over half of his year 1 class. The one boy I haven’t invited has been known to bully the rest of the class and not behave well and he and my son especially have not gotten on. My son has also told me that he’s rude to teachers and the other kids do not play with him apart from one. My son is very friendly and chatty and can be very keen to hang out but is also painfully shy when he’s not confident around certain people/kids.

I think the boy may have picked on him for being an easy target, because since reception he has punched my son in the lip and kicked him in the leg. When my son brought it up to the teacher they told the boy off according to my son and that was that. When I spoke to the school they claimed that my son may have asked him to play even if he didn't want to as he doesn't like him and would have bothered him, and then claimed they didn’t see the punch on the lip or kick to the leg but dealt with it as my son told them what he did. My son and him have avoided each other since so I dropped it.

The kids have all been talking about the party, so he told my son he didn’t want to go and told another two kids to rip up their invitations. I was upset hearing this from my son but understood that he’s probably feeling left out and upset so I did feel bad regardless as he’s only 5.

Then today he told my son he will be nice to him and be his friend and asked if he can come to the party. I know that kids will be kids and so I’d rather this situation put to bed, but my concern is he is only saying this to come to the party, and will go back to bullying him after and that my son is only agreeing with him coming because he doesn’t want him to be left out. Thoughts?

Thank you! If people are old enough to bully they are old enough to not be invited, considering the other kids know to behave themselves.

Ach who cares if it’s mean or nasty to leave a bully out? That’s exactly what they deserve. That’s not the OP’s guilt to shoulder; it’s for his own parents to deal with.

I hope your son & the rest of the class talk about the party for ages at school. Let the boy hear first hand what he missed out on.

Do not invite a child that is bullying your son to his birthday party. Why would you even consider that? It's nuts. Who gives a shit how the bully feels about it. If any parents ask, "it's because he's been bullying ds". End of.

If your son told him he could come to his party does he still think he Dan even though he's not got an invite, is there a chance he could turn up anyway.

There are always two sides to any story

Often there are; but that's irrelevant when it's YOUR party and YOU get to decide whom you want to invite and celebrate with. Private-hosted get-togethers are not community fetes.

It's not up to somebody else to argue or justify their 'right' to come or not - any more than, in the adult world, somebody on online dating would have the 'right' to make their case why you 'should' date them, even though you aren't attracted to them and haven't even given any indication whatsoever that you are.

My ds is 6. I find the boys that are reported as 'bullies' in his class are actually those waiting assessment for ND. I think their behaviour is a bit scary for other children when they get disregulated and they can lash out. Primary school classes of 30+ are not a good place for people who get overwhelmed by smells and noise!

So I am inclined to assume that my ds' description of said 'bullies' does not really account for any of this and I'd invite them along.

I also dont trust the words of other parents on these things because some of them have shared appalling views on our class WhatsApp!

Does ND also make you manipulative and order other children to tear up invitations to somebody else's party that has nothing to do with you?

The issue is, though, that even if a child does frequently lash out and hurt other children solely because of ND, that still doesn't mean that other children don't have the right to be protected and kept safe from the effects of the behaviour.

"Charlie isn't punching you because he's being deliberately horrid; he's punching you because he is ND, so he can't control it" - doesn't mean that the children on the receiving end need to just ignore the hurt and pain and put up with it.

Even when adult professionals are caring for somebody with very challenging issues that cause them to be violent, they're still taught to protect themselves and try to restrain - they aren't just told "Tough, you're just going to get punched, so accept it".

No, you are teaching your son boundaries here. He does not have to allow someone who makes his life miserable spoil his special day. (enough time for that in the future when he has a MIL who he doesn't like trying to dominate Christmas haha)

Sorry I know this thread is old, but feel compelled to reply to this comment. Him and my son have been told to avoid each other from the start of reception, when it was clear he wasn't pleasant towards the other kids including my son, who told me how he was being treated by him. When he punched my son, they were already instructed to stay away from each other. So when he punched my son they weren't playing together.

There was another bully who was known with the school and parents too that was close friends with this one. He would also push my son, kick him and call him names. My son would tell me he was much worse, rude to teachers and said that the other kids don't play with either much. I doubt he would lie for the sake of it considering everything he would tell me that they did, matched with the school's account when they would initially inform me first. The school would confirm every incident with me without saying the boy's name. Then suddenly bully 2 was pulled out of the school one day randomly.

Any time DS bully has done something to my son, the school have admitted it was deliberate and they admitted that with the punch. They just wouldn't ever confirm the boy's name or what actually happened apart from "a classmate went up to your DS and pushed/punched or kicked him, and we told them off, made them apologise to your son at the time and are addressing it with the child and their guardians." I would sign a form over my son's injury and what the teacher saw at the time, and then it would get swept under the rug.

The school confirmed they've had issues with certain kids and bullying but again refused to go into specifics and name names. After the punched lip, they knew they had no leg to stand on and was one of the final meetings at the school before year one. They laid out a plan and teachers are aware for them to keep apart. Whenever my son tells me something that happened I usually take it with a pinch of salt unless informed by a teacher. Every bullying incident has been confirmed or backed up by the school and they have always told me first. My son is not a randomly mean child making up stories for attention.

I would accept the bully at the party, and keep tabs on him. Who knows you may help everyone win. Your son gains friends, the bully becomes nice and everyone gels along and the party turns out good for everyone. This is me, i hope you make the right choice.

My son gets on with the rest of the class and has a few close friends from outside of the school that are coming. Considering they avoid each-other at school and teachers are aware to keep them apart, I read back to someone of these responses and thought about it deeply after mulling it over. It would be stupid for me to invite the bully.

My son has made it clear and I should listen to him. It's his day and his party. I've asked him multiple times since the push and even felt it would be a bridge gap to building a friendship, considering this time it was just a push. My son is still adamant he doesn't want him coming. Given their history I will have to respect his wishes and don't know what goes on all day at school.