To be hesitant to invite my sons bully?

[confusedlady10]

My sons 6th birthday is coming up and I have invited just over half of his year 1 class. The one boy I haven’t invited has been known to bully the rest of the class and not behave well and he and my son especially have not gotten on. My son has also told me that he’s rude to teachers and the other kids do not play with him apart from one. My son is very friendly and chatty and can be very keen to hang out but is also painfully shy when he’s not confident around certain people/kids.

I think the boy may have picked on him for being an easy target, because since reception he has punched my son in the lip and kicked him in the leg. When my son brought it up to the teacher they told the boy off according to my son and that was that. When I spoke to the school they claimed that my son may have asked him to play even if he didn't want to as he doesn't like him and would have bothered him, and then claimed they didn’t see the punch on the lip or kick to the leg but dealt with it as my son told them what he did. My son and him have avoided each other since so I dropped it.

The kids have all been talking about the party, so he told my son he didn’t want to go and told another two kids to rip up their invitations. I was upset hearing this from my son but understood that he’s probably feeling left out and upset so I did feel bad regardless as he’s only 5.

Then today he told my son he will be nice to him and be his friend and asked if he can come to the party. I know that kids will be kids and so I’d rather this situation put to bed, but my concern is he is only saying this to come to the party, and will go back to bullying him after and that my son is only agreeing with him coming because he doesn’t want him to be left out. Thoughts?

Nope. It isn't like you are only excluding him and maybe he'll be kinder in the future.

I wouldn't invite him now.

I wouldn't have allowed my child to invite all of the other boys, but that's done now.

Going forward I'd stick with whole class, all boys, all girls, or a mix that means there is not just one boy or one girl not included.

Don’t invite someone to the party who is mean to your child. Your little boy comes first.

It’s not even half the class though. You have invited 15 friends out of a class of 25 which means you are excluding 9 and only 1 of them is a boy. A five year old child at that.

I wouldn't invite him, he will say it's boring and could ruin it for everyone, he doesn't sound a very happy boy if he's trying to make friends by turning them against your son. What do his parents think about his behaviour.

So she's chosen his friends, boys and girls. The fact that it's one boy excluded is irrelevant IM0, they don't come as a unit. No one gets invited to every party, if it was one child out of a class that would be different but she's got a unisex party of kids that her son likes.

He's hurt her child and he is being horrid about the birthday party too, trying to persuade others not to go. Obliging him to invite someone he doesn't want there is just wrong, at whatever age.

In what way is it childish to not invite a child who bullies your child?

Unless it was a while class party Id have no qualms at all about not inviting him, he's old enough to understand that you reap what you sow. Why run the risk of spoiling things for the birthday child?

No sorry I meant the one child, I only put boy to clarify. There's maybe 1-2 other boys I haven't invited as they aren't close to my son and hadn't seen them to invite them anyway and couldn't afford all. But I feel bad as he the bully is friends with 1 or 2 coming who are talking about the party. as are the rest going. I could hear them in the playground at school drop/pick up.

No, not being invited to a party doesn’t mean you’ve been “excluded”, it means you haven’t made the guest list.

Him and half the rest of the class - it’s fine.

Why does it matter that only 1 is a boy? 10 children aren't invited to the party for various reasons and one reason for that boy is that he is physical with the birthday boy.

Ah, so it is an all class party?

Not ok, then. Tell his Mum she needs to stay as there may be a bit of tension between them.

I made this mistake and after spending nearly £800 on ds's birthday, all he remembers is being punched in the face by his bully.

Do not invite the child, shitty behaviour deserves consequences and its not your place to fulfill this child's needs, it is your job to keep your child happy and safe!

I think this is an important lesson tbh, around boundaries, and self-respect. It's fine, it's preferable, and absolutely okay, to prioritise your son's safety and wellbeing over the feelings of a child that has bullied him. I would let your son know that this boy isn't invited because he isn't very kind to your son, and if he starts being nice maybe he'll be invited next year. But make sure your kid knows you have his back.

He's little but he will receive a message if you insist on inviting a child that has hurt him to his celebration. I would be broken to see my child fearful or worried at his party because someone like that was there.

The other boy's behaviour and response isn't your problem, and if his parents are bold enough to ask why he wasn't invited you can tell them. Decent parents would want to know.

It really isn't.
The kid is mean to your son, why would you invite him? How would your son feel?

Its saying to the bully that his actions have no consequences

Its not a whole class party, the OP is clarifying that it's not just one boy who isn't invited

No, it isn't.

It sounds like about 10 children aren't invited.

No don't invite him. It's your son's birthday, don't let that boy ruin it.

To be fair I have stipulated that at least 1 adult comes with their child as it's at a very large soft play centre and won't be able to watch all of the kids. I also have other kids outside of his school that my son is friends with who are also invited o it would be too much for me. Thank you.

He might only be 5, but he has physically hurt and bullied the OPs son repeatedly, and now tried to push his way into a party by bullying again. That behaviour isn't to be encouraged and rewarded. If I found out my 5 year old was behaving that way, I wouldn't allow him to go even if invited. It's hardly a good lesson about how we treat people and get what we want is it?
Not a chance in hell I'd invite him to potentially ruin a special occasion. He's not friends with your son and makes his life difficult. Don't put him first.
My two (now adults) were definitely not invited to every single party (despite not being bullies) and I never gave it a second thought. It's completely normal.

Only on here do you invite the bully. In RL, no one does this. Even if he was the only boy, I would not have invited anyone who punched my child.

It doesnt matter if this kid in the only kid in whole school who isn't invited! He isn't invited because he is a bully who has hurt the op's child!! Why on earth should he be there?

As adults, we wouldnt invite people to our birthday parties if they'd physically violent towards us so I dont see why a 5yo needs to put up with that or why the op needs to actually spend money on said bully! Fuck that!

Don't invite him.
It's not a full class party and you are only inviting friends. This child isn't a friend.

Because there are some right weirdos on MN

Yes that's what I meant. Sorry my grammar and explanation is terrible. 15 kids out of about 25 are invited, 1-2 ish boys maybe 3 aren't invited, he isn't the only boy.

It’s hard OP on one hand I think tough the little shit, but like you said he is only 5, I always worry if there’s something else going on is that why he is lashing out. I’d maybe do what a PP poster said and make sure one of the parents stays, be honest with the parents as to why and if they choose not to bring their son its on them.