To be hesitant to invite my sons bully?

[confusedlady10]

My sons 6th birthday is coming up and I have invited just over half of his year 1 class. The one boy I haven’t invited has been known to bully the rest of the class and not behave well and he and my son especially have not gotten on. My son has also told me that he’s rude to teachers and the other kids do not play with him apart from one. My son is very friendly and chatty and can be very keen to hang out but is also painfully shy when he’s not confident around certain people/kids.

I think the boy may have picked on him for being an easy target, because since reception he has punched my son in the lip and kicked him in the leg. When my son brought it up to the teacher they told the boy off according to my son and that was that. When I spoke to the school they claimed that my son may have asked him to play even if he didn't want to as he doesn't like him and would have bothered him, and then claimed they didn’t see the punch on the lip or kick to the leg but dealt with it as my son told them what he did. My son and him have avoided each other since so I dropped it.

The kids have all been talking about the party, so he told my son he didn’t want to go and told another two kids to rip up their invitations. I was upset hearing this from my son but understood that he’s probably feeling left out and upset so I did feel bad regardless as he’s only 5.

Then today he told my son he will be nice to him and be his friend and asked if he can come to the party. I know that kids will be kids and so I’d rather this situation put to bed, but my concern is he is only saying this to come to the party, and will go back to bullying him after and that my son is only agreeing with him coming because he doesn’t want him to be left out. Thoughts?

Tbh he knows it's about them not getting on, as he knows he has treated DS terribly in the past, so he's either being fake nice to come or genuine. I honestly don't think its's the latter but again he's 5. My son said he felt bad that the bullies only 1 or 2 friends are invited and not him, and said no one else talks to him in the class. I don't know if he's just being polite by asking him to come, but if it helps bridge the gap I'd happily do it. The bully telling the others to rip up their invitation and that he didn't want to go, to suddenly changing his tune and being nice to DS concerns me though. I don't want to reward bad behaviour and my son tends to be a follower not a leader.

Do not invite him. If you do he’ll learn that he can bully your son without any consequences. In your position I’d tell my child to blame me. It’s hard for a young child to stick up for themselves, but “my mum said no” absolves them of any responsibility. I don’t care if a five year old thinks I’m a meanie.

I feel for you OP, party politics at this age is hard and Y1 we did full class to keep the peace!
They’ll fall naturally in to closer groups around Y2-3 and it makes life much easier.
What does your son want to do, does he now want to invite him or not?

I mean considering he has kicked and punched my son, is badly behaved to other kids and teachers and the majority of the kids avoid him, I'm not sure what else to label him really. And then to tell the other kids to rip up their invitations seems manipulative. I'm not saying kids should be perfect but he's definitely not a nice boy either, and I think now he's starting to realise the consequences.

He wants to invite him, but I think it's him feeling bad as the bully doesn't talk to most of the class apart from two of the boys going and DS may feel slightly manipulated by him apologising tbh. I don't think he fully understands that the bully might not be being genuine and I have tried to explain that. But it seems my son thinks it will help them build a friendship, or he's concerned that he will bully him for not getting to go. Quite a tough one, as I did try to explain to my son that I shouldn't be rewarding his behaviour, but also don't want to make his time at school harder with this one boy. The school don't seem to care unless they see something with their own two eyes, and even then are rather blase about it.

Are you giving this degree of thought and consideration to the feelings of the other children who have not been invited and who will also be aware of the party?

Or is this just a case of the squeakiest wheel getting the most attention?

My personal opinion as a parent and a teacher is that your child's 6th birthday party is neither the time nor the place to expect magnanimity from them. There is only one child whose wants need to be considered at your son's birthday party and that is your son.

Whilst everyone is concerning themselves with the feelings of this small boy, another small boy and several other small children, could find themselves spending yet another few hours with the kid from their class who hurts them all in the interests of being kind. Why not be kind to the majority and let them have fun without worrying about him?

Unfortunately, a lot of schools are a bit rubbish when it comes to dealing with bullying because, in all honesty, there is actually very little we can do. They already have to put up with it at school. Just let your son have his party and let the other children enjoy it without the risk of this child spoiling it.

It seems bonkers to me to consider inviting a boy who your child only knows because he was beaten up by him, over other children that have not harmed him in any way he just doesn't know!

It would mean that you are more likely to be invited by assaulting the birthday boy than just getting on with your school day. Bizarre.

I would invite him I think, but only if your son is ok with him being there, then I would keep an extremely close eye on him at the party and if he plays up put a stop to it, also his parents will be there to see if play up if he does, then you can discuss the other instances of bullying with them there and then
6 is very young and some kids are only learning to control their little tempers and their behaviour, he may not be all that bad

if he acts up at the party he is definitely not invited next year though

If you invite him will you only be excluding 1-3 boys then?…..you may as well invite all the boys

Yes I agree nottoday if you invite the bully you may as well invite the other two boys, how do you think they would feel being left out.
So what you don't talk to their mums, it's nothing to do with it. Honestly are you that cliquey.
I would not invite the bully but if I did I would invite the other two boys as well.

Tbh after thinking about it, I'll probably invite the other 2-3 boys not going. I paid for a certain amount of kids at soft play and I was concerned going over, I'm sure a few may drop out between then and now anyway and I don't think the soft play place will have much of an issue with an extra kid or two if not. That way everyone gets included, including the bully. Since they don't talk I'm hoping they play well together and helps everyone get along and they haven't had an altercation since. The remaining kids are all friends, bar the bully which is why I felt bad but I completely get it. Majority boys will be there anyway with only a few girls as there are more boys than girls in the class anyway so I get why he'd feel left out, especially if the other kids don't talk to him much. Thank you.

So now only a few girls will be left out of the whole class, who haven't punched or kicked your son but the one who you refer to as a bully gets to go?

Well considering majority are boys it makes it harder and I don't want my son to feel like the boy will make things harder by him not coming. I cannot afford a whole class party and it would be rather cheeky to suddenly bring 8+ more kids to the soft play. So either invite all of the boys or leave it as is. Could make things worse for my son, might not. He is mainly close with most of the boys in the class which makes it harder. He has asked him to come for whatever his reasoning is. I'm struggling to find a common ground here...

But you'd risk spoiling another 6 yr old boy's birthday party?

He was happy with who was invited until the bully started demanding to go to the party and had your son start questioning himself which is what he wanted, as you said, he seems to take advantage of that.

I'd explain to your son that the invites are set, things can't be changed now and that's that.

I wouldn't leave one boy out of a party but he would be assigned an adult 1:1 to supervise his behaviour the whole party.

You've said he doesn't fully understand, but you should as an adult so stop being a people pleaser, tell him no. I don't know why you're letting a 5 year old be bullied into inviting a bully to his party!

Tbh after thinking about it, I'll probably invite the other 2-3 boys not going. I paid for a certain amount of kids at soft play and I was concerned going over, I'm sure a few may drop out between then and now anyway and I don't think the soft play place will have much of an issue with an extra kid or two if not. That way everyone gets included, including the bully.

There's so much wrong with this.

All this tying yourself in knots to include a child who's unkind to your child.

And more than anything the absolute last thing this will do is make this child kind to the other children.

All you're going to do is reinforce the message that behaving badly gets him what he wants.

Now it kind of sounds like the bully is bullying you, it sounds like he has the potential to grow up to be a very manipulative man. He now knows that nasty behaviour gets the result he wanted

Oh and I'd also tell the teacher he's telling other children to tear up their invitations.

That is something I'd definitely want to know about if it was happening in my class.

The teacher will be able to talk to the whole class and explain about birthday parties not being whole class as you get older and that not everyone gets invited and that's OK. And that it's absolutely not ok to intimidate someone into inviting you because that is absolutely not being a 'good friend'. The other children will also be reassured that it's OK to have boundaries and not include people that are not your friend. Because it is.

This child.might only he 5 but so will most of the other children in the class. They are too young to know what is appropriate behaviour or not and all need to be taught. Children will never feel.empowered to stand up to their bullies by telling an adult if the adults around them ultimately collude with the bully.

Absolutely not.
My son had a bday party where he invited around ten people. One boy in particular kept crying to the teacher whenever the kids chatted about his party on the lead up to it, and even cried and screamed at his mum in the playground because he wasn't invited and said it wasn't fair. This kid wasn't invited as he wasn't one of my sons good friends, he had been mean to him a lot in the past. I did ask my son to reconsider and let him come, if the boy hadnt been horrid to him recently, but my son was adamant that he wasn't coming. Fair enough. Kids know their own minds.

He has said he'll be nice to your son if he is invited to his party, so presumably will continue to be unkind if he's not invited, I think he's playing you both, even at 5 he's turning into a not very nice jealous boy. I wouldn't invite him. If he is sorry for his behaviour it should be in a meeting 1 to 1 at school.

What kind of message does inviting his bully send to your son? No way. Actions have consequences, never too young to learn that

I honestly think you are overthinking this.
You have decided on the guest list and now need to stick to it. If you start adding him and then the other boys, it's going to look unfair to the girls if there are only a handful of them why they didn't get invited.
Hopefully you now have parents numbers from them replying, so I would save these for any playdates or next year's party. Looking back I now remember trying to hunt down parents on Facebook to message them to avoid taking in paper invites. We also had a group chat and in the first few years, or even when new kids joined the school, parents would message saying is the parent of Alice, Fred and Ben in the group. It was fairly obvious they then were going to do a separate group and sort out a party, but this avoided the drama of invites in school. The only time it did cause upset was the time one parent asked the whole group whether they would attend a party in winter in a barn, as it would be cold. She even included the date. Lots of parents replied saying they absolutely would still attend, child would love the activity. Closer to the date one of the other mums messaged me to ask whether my child had been invited, as she had commented saying her daughter would love it, but had not been asked. Mine hadn't either. So I think the parent was a little careless in not just making a separate group for those she wanted to attend and then asking.
Either way this shows whatever you do has potential for upset!

As someone who dealt with this kind of person, a true bully kid is not held back by his parents. In fact, they smile on indulgently watching their spawn do awful things.
May own kid’s (or his whole class’s) bully would be standing throwing bricks from the mud garden across the school playground, or spinning a car tyre and lobbing it into the crowds of children waiting to get in most mornings, usually resulting in a screaming, injured child. Granny and mum would stand and watch him do it, smiling ant their boy being “high spirited” or living up to the “boys will be boys” shite. And for some unknown reason, the teachers did fuck all. They wouldn’t even come outside to see. The only thing we parents could think of was perhaps because bully’s mum was previously a teacher in the school and these were her ex colleagues? Honestly I will never know nor understand. Luckily a new headteacher arrived and the boy was moved to a different school after the mum started getting called in finally.

if someone was bullying you would you invite them to your house for dinner/out for drinks etc
if answer is no then why should your child
it is not a teaching moment or a child has sen needs it about your child enjoying his birthday with his friends
you have to decide what is more important your child being safe or bully feeling included therefore given the green light to be mean as he will be rewarded