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Original poster

To be hesitant to invite my sons bully?

236 replies

confusedlady10 · 22/09/2025 18:15

My sons 6th birthday is coming up and I have invited just over half of his year 1 class. The one boy I haven’t invited has been known to bully the rest of the class and not behave well and he and my son especially have not gotten on. My son has also told me that he’s rude to teachers and the other kids do not play with him apart from one. My son is very friendly and chatty and can be very keen to hang out but is also painfully shy when he’s not confident around certain people/kids.

I think the boy may have picked on him for being an easy target, because since reception he has punched my son in the lip and kicked him in the leg. When my son brought it up to the teacher they told the boy off according to my son and that was that. When I spoke to the school they claimed that my son may have asked him to play even if he didn't want to as he doesn't like him and would have bothered him, and then claimed they didn’t see the punch on the lip or kick to the leg but dealt with it as my son told them what he did. My son and him have avoided each other since so I dropped it.

The kids have all been talking about the party, so he told my son he didn’t want to go and told another two kids to rip up their invitations. I was upset hearing this from my son but understood that he’s probably feeling left out and upset so I did feel bad regardless as he’s only 5.

Then today he told my son he will be nice to him and be his friend and asked if he can come to the party. I know that kids will be kids and so I’d rather this situation put to bed, but my concern is he is only saying this to come to the party, and will go back to bullying him after and that my son is only agreeing with him coming because he doesn’t want him to be left out. Thoughts?

OP posts:
TheatricalLife · 22/09/2025 19:10

SouthLondonMum22 · 22/09/2025 19:06

The birthday party should be focused on the birthday boy having fun and enjoying his day and not about helping another boy who may just spoil his day anyway once he's got his own way.

Show quote history

This.
Frankly, who gives a shit if the bully is sad about not being invited? OPs DS has been sad about being punched and picked on for months. It's a lesson to be learned. Rather it start being learned now than when he's punching people to get his own way in secondary school.

Han86 · 22/09/2025 19:11

Sorry but I don't understand how much they are talking about this party.
It's generally known not everyone will get to go to a party. At work teachers will hand out invites as discreetly as possible at the end of the day. Usually these are put into bags to avoid upset on the playground. How did you give out the invites? Were kids opening them in front of everyone? Is it really such a talking point?
I would keep quiet and make sure your own child doesn't mention it.

ClutchingPearlz · 22/09/2025 19:12

He’s 5 not 25. Is there a tiny glimmer among all the mumsnet hate for a small child that this might actually be an opportunity to bring them together in a positive way and get to the root of why they don’t get along? God forbid they might actually even become friends.

Zanatdy · 22/09/2025 19:12

I wouldn’t invite him. What if he hurts your child during the party? He may be young, but if you’re not nice to other kids, they won’t want you at their party. Kids always talk about parties at school and most parents have a few experiences of their child coming home upset as kids are talking about a party they are invited to, and they aren’t. It’s just part of life when you’re a kid. The other kids may be talking about it too, but you can’t invite them all. There’s no way i’d invite him after he physically hurt my child.

Espressosummer · 22/09/2025 19:13

Rather disgusting how many posters would force their child to be around their attacker. Would all those posters invite a man who physically attacked them multiple times to their own parties?

Zanatdy · 22/09/2025 19:14

Han86 · 22/09/2025 19:11

Sorry but I don't understand how much they are talking about this party.
It's generally known not everyone will get to go to a party. At work teachers will hand out invites as discreetly as possible at the end of the day. Usually these are put into bags to avoid upset on the playground. How did you give out the invites? Were kids opening them in front of everyone? Is it really such a talking point?
I would keep quiet and make sure your own child doesn't mention it.

Kid chat about it in the playground. Doesn’t matter how you invite them, you can’t silence them from discussing it. The birthday child themselves often talks about it a lot too.

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 22/09/2025 19:14

Espressosummer · 22/09/2025 19:13

Rather disgusting how many posters would force their child to be around their attacker. Would all those posters invite a man who physically attacked them multiple times to their own parties?

Dude, they’re 6. I’m not going to write off a 6 year olds.

ThankYouNigel · 22/09/2025 19:14

Both my children decide on their own guest lists for their parties. They know who their friends are and who they actually like playing with at school far better than parents who aren’t their to observe this daily.

I wouldn’t expect my child to invite anybody who made them feel uncomfortable or who has a track record of regularly hurting them ir others, no.

SouthLondonMum22 · 22/09/2025 19:16

ClutchingPearlz · 22/09/2025 19:12

He’s 5 not 25. Is there a tiny glimmer among all the mumsnet hate for a small child that this might actually be an opportunity to bring them together in a positive way and get to the root of why they don’t get along? God forbid they might actually even become friends.

OP's son is also the same age and doesn't deserve to be worrying over this boy hitting him at his own birthday party. Why should this other boy come before her own son?

cunningartificer · 22/09/2025 19:19

Absolutely don’t invite him. Why should continued threats and bullying other boys to rip up their invites get him invited? Time he learned that if you’re friends with people you get invited, if you hit them you don’t. You have limited numbers… what if other children then beg to go?

Han86 · 22/09/2025 19:20

Zanatdy · 22/09/2025 19:14

Kid chat about it in the playground. Doesn’t matter how you invite them, you can’t silence them from discussing it. The birthday child themselves often talks about it a lot too.

Show quote history

Not at this age...they are so easily distracted. If invites were handed out at the end of the day then it really wouldn't be a talking point on the playground. At this age they are more interested in running round.. especially boys.
If the birthday boy keeps quiet then it will soon be forgotten. Maybe it would come up again after the party if it's a stand out party but otherwise they will have all moved on to the next party.

Anyway, if it's not all the boys who are going then I don't think it's a problem and I would find it weird if the mum confronted you about her son not being invited. It's pretty normal for parties to be a smaller group and not the whole class (the on MN I know whole class parties seem to be common, so maybe it depends where you live).

Espressosummer · 22/09/2025 19:20

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 22/09/2025 19:14

Dude, they’re 6. I’m not going to write off a 6 year olds.

Show quote history

You don't have to write off a 6 year old. Just not set your own child up to potentially be assaulted and bullied at their own birthday party. One party invitation is not going to sort out this kid's violent behaviour. It could very well destroy the OP's son's confidence in his mum though. If even your own mum won't protect you, who the bloody hell will?

hadjustaboutenough · 22/09/2025 19:21

I can't imagine inviting someone to my birthday party who had physically hurt me and continued to be more of an enemy than a friend. Why should kids be forced to do what most adults would never consider? If the whole class were invited, that would be different. As it is, no, I wouldn't invite him. Let's be honest: One birthday invite isn't going to be enough to change this kid's personality, and as for asking his parent(s) to stay and watch him, I'd suspect that they may well be the reason the child is as he is, so I wouldn't count on them being a pleasant addition to the party!

CrispieCake · 22/09/2025 19:21

I wouldn't want to get a reputation as the parent who leaves a 5yo out of a party, personally.

UnhappyHobbit · 22/09/2025 19:22

Have you spoken to your son seeing as it’s his party? What does he want?

SouthLondonMum22 · 22/09/2025 19:23

CrispieCake · 22/09/2025 19:21

I wouldn't want to get a reputation as the parent who leaves a 5yo out of a party, personally.

Not everyone can afford whole class parties. It isn't just the bully who isn't invited anyway.

ainsleysanob · 22/09/2025 19:23

5 and 6 year olds absolutely can be bullies and nasty ones too. I speak as someone with a son who found out the hard way.

Bullies will bully whether they are invited to a party or not. So, no, I wouldn’t invite him to the party and I wouldn’t give a shit if he felt left out or not.

ByLemonGuide · 22/09/2025 19:24

confusedlady10 · 22/09/2025 18:15

My sons 6th birthday is coming up and I have invited just over half of his year 1 class. The one boy I haven’t invited has been known to bully the rest of the class and not behave well and he and my son especially have not gotten on. My son has also told me that he’s rude to teachers and the other kids do not play with him apart from one. My son is very friendly and chatty and can be very keen to hang out but is also painfully shy when he’s not confident around certain people/kids.

I think the boy may have picked on him for being an easy target, because since reception he has punched my son in the lip and kicked him in the leg. When my son brought it up to the teacher they told the boy off according to my son and that was that. When I spoke to the school they claimed that my son may have asked him to play even if he didn't want to as he doesn't like him and would have bothered him, and then claimed they didn’t see the punch on the lip or kick to the leg but dealt with it as my son told them what he did. My son and him have avoided each other since so I dropped it.

The kids have all been talking about the party, so he told my son he didn’t want to go and told another two kids to rip up their invitations. I was upset hearing this from my son but understood that he’s probably feeling left out and upset so I did feel bad regardless as he’s only 5.

Then today he told my son he will be nice to him and be his friend and asked if he can come to the party. I know that kids will be kids and so I’d rather this situation put to bed, but my concern is he is only saying this to come to the party, and will go back to bullying him after and that my son is only agreeing with him coming because he doesn’t want him to be left out. Thoughts?

invite him to the party and give him no cake and no party bag this behaviour is unacceptable and he needs to learn discipline.

Shr3dding · 22/09/2025 19:26

CrispieCake · 22/09/2025 19:21

I wouldn't want to get a reputation as the parent who leaves a 5yo out of a party, personally.

How is that going to happen? Even assuming all the parents in the class are aware of all the invite lists to all the parties why would anyone get a reputation for not having a whole class party?

Wtafdidido · 22/09/2025 19:28

He is just saying what he wants to get to the party. He’s a bully who has targeted your son . Do not vote him. Your child’s party is all about him and what makes his day happy and special. Let the bully feel the consequences of his behaviour.

Ablondiebutagoody · 22/09/2025 19:29

I don't understand why you would even consider for one second inviting your son's bully. I would happily invite the whole class and not him.

itsmeits · 22/09/2025 19:29

confusedlady10 · 22/09/2025 18:42

No sorry I meant the one child, I only put boy to clarify. There's maybe 1-2 other boys I haven't invited as they aren't close to my son and hadn't seen them to invite them anyway and couldn't afford all. But I feel bad as he the bully is friends with 1 or 2 coming who are talking about the party. as are the rest going. I could hear them in the playground at school drop/pick up.

Show quote history

You dont have to include every child. Not every parent can afford a full class party. Not every parent wants to do a full class party. Was this child on DS list to start with? That's the question.

Partys are the the bain of my existence, dont worry OP I didnt feed 2 kids last year! a minefield of etiquette to navigate.

Next year have DS give them out even if its not for the full class. No mystery then to solve by the kids of who is who isn't invited. I understand your logic of doing it, the kids made it a game

XWKD · 22/09/2025 19:30

Shr3dding · 22/09/2025 19:05

That's not the OPs problem, it's not her job to parent the other child.

Show quote history

The school and parents aren't going to do much about it, so she presumably wants to minimise the effect on her child.

Wtafdidido · 22/09/2025 19:30

Imagine these were adults. Someone in your workplace that bullied you. Would you want to invite them to your party? Why should it be different just because they are kids. As an adult I would not tolerate shitty behaviour from a bully and I certainly would not expect my child to
tolerate it and invite the little twerp to his party.

CrispieCake · 22/09/2025 19:31

Shr3dding · 22/09/2025 19:26

How is that going to happen? Even assuming all the parents in the class are aware of all the invite lists to all the parties why would anyone get a reputation for not having a whole class party?

Show quote history

These things get around.