To be hesitant to invite my sons bully?

[confusedlady10]

My sons 6th birthday is coming up and I have invited just over half of his year 1 class. The one boy I haven’t invited has been known to bully the rest of the class and not behave well and he and my son especially have not gotten on. My son has also told me that he’s rude to teachers and the other kids do not play with him apart from one. My son is very friendly and chatty and can be very keen to hang out but is also painfully shy when he’s not confident around certain people/kids.

I think the boy may have picked on him for being an easy target, because since reception he has punched my son in the lip and kicked him in the leg. When my son brought it up to the teacher they told the boy off according to my son and that was that. When I spoke to the school they claimed that my son may have asked him to play even if he didn't want to as he doesn't like him and would have bothered him, and then claimed they didn’t see the punch on the lip or kick to the leg but dealt with it as my son told them what he did. My son and him have avoided each other since so I dropped it.

The kids have all been talking about the party, so he told my son he didn’t want to go and told another two kids to rip up their invitations. I was upset hearing this from my son but understood that he’s probably feeling left out and upset so I did feel bad regardless as he’s only 5.

Then today he told my son he will be nice to him and be his friend and asked if he can come to the party. I know that kids will be kids and so I’d rather this situation put to bed, but my concern is he is only saying this to come to the party, and will go back to bullying him after and that my son is only agreeing with him coming because he doesn’t want him to be left out. Thoughts?

Meh, the natural consequence of punching someone in the face (and then continuing to bully them) is that you don't get invited to their party. Perhaps controversially, I'd still hold that view if it's an otherwise all class party. Though in that instance I wouldn't have an all class party to ensure no pressure to invite the bully.

THIS

If you're worried that he'll go back to bullying after the party, he almost certainly will if he's not invited.

No sorry I meant the one child, I only put boy to clarify. There's maybe 1-2 other boys I haven't invited as they aren't close to my son and hadn't seen them to invite them anyway and couldn't afford all. But I feel bad as he the bully is friends with 1 or 2 coming who are talking about the party. as are the rest going. I could hear them in the playground at school drop/pick up.

That's an absolutely fine scenario then. He's not invited.

If needs be tell your DS to say "my mum says I can't change who is invited".

I took a lot of "my mum said" flack for one of my DDs who was in a very difficult class until she was confident enough to stand up for what she wanted and not need to deflect blame to me.

He probably will either way which is why he shouldn't be invited.

Well that's not exactly OP and her sons problem.

It's completely fine - you have a limited guest list because of cost and 15 aren't invited on this occasion. That's life isn't it. You didn't invite this particular child - and whether they are a boy or a girl is really irrelevant - based on previous, recent behaviour. And that's completely fine. Stick to your guns.

You think an invite to a soft play is going to stop a bully bullying?

A birthday party is meant to be about having fun with friends not worrying about the one kid who is gonna hit everyone and wreck the place no if the kid is nasty you do not invite him common sense sod being PC about it what's more important your kid enjoying their party or you being politically correct

Are the school actually doing anything to stop this bullying at all?!

I’d invite him and use it as an opportunity to mend bridges. They are only 6 and can act out for all sorts of reasons. Be a chance to speak with the mum and monitor behaviour ‘on your turf’.

No, but being left out could make it worse.

They’re 6 don’t forget

Old enough to understand that if you hit someone or kick someone then they aren't going to want you at their party.

Yes it is.

Right. Then I revert to my first answer - it’s fine.

Absolutely, I’m not saying he should be doing it. I’m saying young enough to be manipulated by a soft play party 😂.
He may well be acting out because he thinks he hasn’t got friends - this could help 🤷‍♀️

Do you mean that 6 year old bullies are cured by party invites or the opposite?

That's not the OPs problem, it's not her job to parent the other child.

the party is to make your son happy on his birthday. Don’t invite the bully. You’re under no obligation to. Help your son by giving him a pre-planned response to say if the bully asks your DS if he can come. Something like “my mum says I can’t invite everyone, and all the spaces are gone” should do the job.

The birthday party should be focused on the birthday boy having fun and enjoying his day and not about helping another boy who may just spoil his day anyway once he's got his own way.

Why? Isn't it the bully's mums problem? There is no way any decent mother would put their sons happiness aside on their birthday and ignore their wishes not to invite the school bully just to satisfy their self indulgent (im such a kind person at my sons expense) ways

I think that 6 year olds don’t really always have full control of their emotions and probably don’t have a full concept of what ‘bullying’ means.
I think being invited to a party might help a child feel wanted and not act out. Or he might come to the party and be a nob 🤷‍♀️. Either way, I’m probably not going to write off a 6 year old as a bully. Given OP isn’t inviting the whole class, she can get away with inviting who her son wants there. Personally, I would use it as an opportunity.

This. Plus, threads on here saying my child hasn't been invited to a party get the reply 'tell them no one has a right to expect an invite'. Why is the opposite true if the child is a bully?

The boy fucked around and found out: if you're mean to somebody, you don't get to join in the fun things that they are doing. It's a very basic life lesson and perfectly appropriate for a 5 year old to be learning it.

I'll be mad at you if you cave and invite him, OP!