He said this right after sex.

[pinkpeta]

I have a male friend. We are quite close. We’ve been having sex on and off for a decade now. In that time I have put on weight. 20kgs to be precise. He knows I’m unhappy with my weight. In this time he’s lost weight and is probably in the best shape of his life. I am trying my hardest to lose the weight.

Last time we had sex, we talked about it a few days later and he said something to the effect of “there was a point where I held on to your stomach and I thought “oh s* that big”. He wasn’t joking.

I hang up almost immediately. I haven’t spoken to him since. He called me about 20 times that day.
how would you have reacted to that? I feel very hurt and I think what makes it worse is that I can’t speak to anyone I know about it because it’s so embarrassing. Strangely it’s made me feel very isolated and upset.

This doesn’t mean I won’t ever speak to him again but I’m just processing my feelings and want to know what others think.

I in no way said men cannot be friends with women.

The male friends I have are kept at a civil arms length or kept in a professional capacity, I have never slept with them. No one can buy me with offers of emotional support or practical help.

Let's be honest most FWB's have a secretiveness to them. In 90% or more there are either 1 of the parties if not 2 in another primary relationship.

The majority are side pieces.
I don't care for the term FWB and to be fair it's mainly the women who name their relationships this, men tend speak less kindly about the name of it.

Anyway it's not an argument about that, it's about someone having sex and then mocking the female by joking about grabbing the fat on her body.

Extremely cruel, there is no way I would ever allow them to view my body again, his comments smack of comparison against other women.
Disgusting.

You really think that's a rebuttal, don't you?

Text him and say that you are no longer in a position to have sex with him because you value your pride and you have wasted enough time on someone who has no intention of committing to a relationship.

I don't care what you think.

That's the thing with monogamous couples that are truly truthful, they grow and age together without the comparisons of others, they feel safe and appreciate the aging and changing process.

Op threw herself into the comparison game.

He was unessesarily cruel.
Many women are hurt by FWBs.

If he can't manage to say I think I might have hurt you and I'm sorry then I don't think you can trust him enough with your body as a sexual partner nor as a friend with your feelings. People say things unintentionally, although it's hurtful the fact he said it it could have signified his deep comfort, closeness and lack of inhibition with you however if he doesn't have it in him to even say, are you ok? Are you ignoring me etc when you're not answering even if perhaps he didn't twig he had said something upsetting at the time, then it just feels he's not as emotionally invested or caring enough for either of your relationships.

@pinkpeta

I'd pretty much agree with the majority here ... that you need to cease the sexual side of your relationship, however minimal and occasional it might be. Show him you're not a doormat for his ill-thought comments.

>> In this time he’s lost weight and is probably
>> in the best shape of his life. I am trying my
>> hardest to lose the weight.

If you've considered you're trying your hardest to lose weight and you're just "marking time" or getting even bigger over time, you have to investigate yourself and your motives and commitment.

Have you engaged your GP in your quest? Have you been referred to a nutritionist or dietitian? Do you walk or swim or cycle five or six times per week. Have you tried to follow a moderate dumbbells exercise programon youtube or tiktok? Heard of the website www.myfitnesspal.com ?

Do you keep a journal or diary to record what's going in your mouth and how much you are exercising? Do you have a cose friend or relative that you can be accountable to (report to) about your consumption and exercise?

Can you afford more protein? Fish? Eggs? Chicken? Lean beef? Can you wean yourself down to very small amounts of bread, rice and potatoes? Have you thought about the concept of giving up sugar medium-term or long-term?

As my nutitionist used to say: "there's nothing you can eat or drink that tastes as good as the confidence of having to buy smaller clothes."

Private message me if you want to describe the help or ideas you need.

Welcome to the UK. Where you will be labelled a gold digger for not accepting a second date with a man after he did not pay for your coffee, despite him asking you out. But on the other hand, a woman can let her male “friend” / f*ck buddy casually use her body without any effort from his end, and this will be celebrated as female liberation. It’s a very confusing place.

In my home country, while we’re not conservative to the point where we wait for sex until marriage (we’re not overly religious, and there is a dating culture) the men are expected to be chivalrous, plan appropriate dates and pay for them before they can even think about sleeping these women. When I’ve expressed this expectation, I have been told on more than one occasion that this is a form of prostitution! I have spoken to friends back home about this and none of us can comprehend. Is this not minimal decency you should expect from a man before sharing the most intimate act you can do with another human being?

I could never imagine having a friendship with a man where we have some ‘banter’ at the pub then go for a casual f*ck. It’s quite grim. I don’t mean to offend anybody, it is just my views.

And before anyone starts to yell that women aren’t used, they enjoy sex too. This, I have no doubt. I also have needs and masturbate regularly, but I believe we should refuse to share bodily fluids with a man who has not demonstrated any effort or genuine intentions towards us. We don’t have to act upon every urge we may feel, we’re human and have been socially conditioned to act with decorum. It’s what sets us apart from animals.

This is a bit ott. He wasn’t grabbing her fat and mocking her after sex. St least read what she wrote. And she’s not a side piece, neither is he. They are friends, long term, who occasionally have sex. There is no romantic feelings, it is a physical act, and nothing more.

FWB arrangements can also involve women using men for sex.

All people are capable of making rude and tactless comments, men and women (my mother certainly did) - parents, siblings, children, friends, partners, spouses... it's a personality thing, not a particular type of relationship thing.

There are some very prudish and prissy posters on this thread.
FWB can be a very enjoyable experience. In my case, over 30 years ago, I did not have a big connection with his personality although he was very likeable, but my gooodness, he was good in bed. He served a purpose at the time and gave me quite an education 🤣

I find the level of intimacy some people have with people who aren’t even friends so strange.

Block and move on

@Goditsmemargaretim interested in this. Could you give some examples of how he was thoughtless?

I have long thought that men treat women differently (less respectful?) when they start having sex with them but it’s not universal and I find it hard to put into words.

Since it hasn't served the OP's purposes, which very reasonably include "not being very hurt by him thinking he doesn't have to treat me with respect and courtesy", I question the relevance of your comment.

Still, always nice to have an opportunity to dismiss everyone else's different opinions as being proof they're less sophisticated than you.

How exactly am I a prude because it’s not the norm in my culture to have sex with male friends? You are aware aren’t you that most of world live a more conservative lifestyle in comparison to UK culture (a tiny island), but you’re narrow mindedness implies you think you’re the majority.

I have never met a woman who has openly stated she is having a relationship with an FWB.

In real life it is not a great badge to wear openly.
Only on MN do they shout it from the rooftops.

It seems to be a cheeky little term created especially for mature women who think they are enlightened beings.

Never hear men call relationships FWB.

My friends are all English and have always lived here, and I’ve never known anyone entertain FWB in real life. I am not convinced this is the reality for 95% of women here. It’s certainly not considered healthy or optimal. I thought I would add this post, because it’s a very recent idea and one that hasn’t gained much traction.

Of course, I in no way intended to imply that all British women have FWB. I too have British friends and they are all very classy women.

But outside of my friendships and on the internet, I have heard a lot about the dating and sex culture over here.
As I said in my other post I do not understand this general theme that expecting men to be chivalrous and pay for dinner it a terrible negative thing that only a gold digger would do, but having casual sex and one night stands is seen as fine and normal? Surely, the latter is more problematic? I am still adjusting clearly.

Thank you for your comment but respectfully can you take this Fwb discussion to your own post if you’d like to discuss hook up culture more. Thank you in advance.

I think it varies massively among women and also among generations too, and also, just personal preference.

This is so untrue. I know many, if not all, of my female friends have endured some pretty horrible comments about their weight and bodies from their husbands who rather than appreciate the aging and changing process, seem to think it applies to their wives and not to them. They stay because they are married and have children and a life together, not because married life is a utopia. If women left their husbands as often as posters on this forum suggested they should, there would be no one left married.

It's because it makes people feel powerful and in control when you've had a loss of power. That's ok but it should be used sparingly.

It can sometimes be appropriate for example with people you don't know that well or who are harassing you. Not with someone who has been your friend for a decade and has significantly helped you both emotionally and practically. I have been hurt before and cut people off over smallish things. When my head cleared I really regretted it. It's a short-term gain for a long-term loss in many cases. I think modern culture encourages this disposability and black and white thinking. Yes, it was upsetting!! I agree. But he didn't ruin her life, he just made a shitty ill placed comment. I am not saying she should take shitty treatment, rather talk to him about it.

Serious question: Why would you care what he thinks of you sexually? He’s not your partner. You don’t have to impress him or be attractive to him.

A 10 year FWB situation!
Sorry not helpful, just wanted to say I'm impressed at the longevity..