He said this right after sex.

[pinkpeta]

I have a male friend. We are quite close. We’ve been having sex on and off for a decade now. In that time I have put on weight. 20kgs to be precise. He knows I’m unhappy with my weight. In this time he’s lost weight and is probably in the best shape of his life. I am trying my hardest to lose the weight.

Last time we had sex, we talked about it a few days later and he said something to the effect of “there was a point where I held on to your stomach and I thought “oh s* that big”. He wasn’t joking.

I hang up almost immediately. I haven’t spoken to him since. He called me about 20 times that day.
how would you have reacted to that? I feel very hurt and I think what makes it worse is that I can’t speak to anyone I know about it because it’s so embarrassing. Strangely it’s made me feel very isolated and upset.

This doesn’t mean I won’t ever speak to him again but I’m just processing my feelings and want to know what others think.

This may have touched a raw nerve with you op, but given your ‘arrangement’ is unusual to say the least, and in no way mainstream - additionally you have been harmed in the process I think it certainly highlights the dangers of such ‘friendships’ and I use that word loosely, because the creep is anything but a good friend to you.

You have been degraded. You have not been shown courtesy or respect. Even if he was begging for forgiveness on bended knee I would never ever choose to continue this ‘friendship’. He has hurt you, now he is gaslighting you about broken phones. How much more contempt are you willing to tolerate?

I honestly don't know why women want that title anyway, whenever someone reads the term FWB, they just think oh yeah, she's having an affair or is on tap sex with a married man.
Sorry but that's what most people think, I know it's not polite saying that.

They always seem to be secretive, kids and families don't know, friends and colleagues are left to guess, honestly I couldn't be arsed with that.
Sorry but that's what most people think, and the friend bit sounds completely fake and delusional.

They do not think, great she's an independant, strong, empowered woman.

Words such as lonely, desperate, easily manipulated and self absorbed, spring to mind if you could visualize the word or term, abusive even if there is an innocent person in the background, being deceived by these wonderful friendships with mind blowing sex.

I don't mean to be rude but it really is a derogatory term to most people, Long distance partner is another one that often brings up, Oh aye.

Ten years op of being this man's 'friend' and the respect of that time, rewards you with him being a vulgar insulting shithead when you're in your most vunerable moments with him. It wasn't funny and it certainly isn't closeness that should allow him to be so cutting, I think you must have forgotten how to be treated with respect op, raise your bar.

I'd never speak to him again, let alone have sex with him.

The strongest opinions in this thread seem to come from those who have no knowledge or experience of having an FWB. It’s not surprising that most women IRL might like to keep that arrangement quiet, based on the amount of judgement here. I told nobody, but it was exactly what I needed and wanted at that point in my life

Absolutely agree. In theory it sounds great, a no strings mutually beneficial sex thing but in reality people end up feeling used and hurt.

Even in the face of op being hurt, degraded and humiliated you are still defending your secret sex arrangements that you keep entirely quiet - why? Because you felt ashamed, judged by those around you? You are cheerleading a practice that is not remotely mainstream because women can and do end up being abused and hurt in the process. Just because you found it was good for you, does NOT mean it is safe and beneficial in all cases. Or in many at all. What is the difference between you and an unpaid or paid sex worker?

Any man getting his kicks like this in between dating women he is happy to be seen in public with - and is now gas lighting and manipulating the shit out of op (whom sounds vulnerable btw) does not deserve a place in her life or in her bed.

You are giving very shady advice, based on your very narrow world view and not the ill treatment of the person here posting.

@Nestingbirdswow, that’s offensive. Time for me to leave this debate (like the OP, I suspect)

What knowledge do I need exactly to hold an opinion? Don’t pretend we’re talking politics or complex matters, we’re talking about sex, and we’ve all done it.

Just because you’re less selective on who you do it with doesn’t make our opinions invalid, and you more worldly.

These responses are so ott. He said he’d touched her stomach during sex and thought how big it was. You’ve now turned this into some pervert humiliating and degrading her,and getting his kicks out of doing so.

look if this has hit a nerve for you in terms of weight or intimacy it’s maybe better to take a break from the thread, women can chose to have sex with no strings, everyone understands you don’t do this, but that doesn’t mean you get to cast judgment on those who do, or become so hyperbolic over the mere thought of a comment on the size of a stomach,

sometimes things are triggering, best to take a break if you find yourself in that situation,

It really isn't, if you were to switch it and say the females are using the men like unpaid sex workers, the females wouldn't feel so defensive.

Free speech and all that, it is a subject that seems to be difficult to have.
We know how it works across the board, and how the terminology is applied regarding different age groups and different social classes. The young tend to use it as a term for promiscuous sex and the older tend to use it an an empowering means of enjoying sex. The younger group has enabled the older group to latch onto the term as something very normal and free spirited, but their use of the word can be very different.

It is even viewed as some kind of innocent sport which to critisise would involve pearl clutching archaic idiots.
When did sex become so devalued, we know how standards have been encouraged to decline through porn and the pandering of males, by governments to keep men entertained, but this lowering of moral standards has done little for women on a wider note.
I do really feel sorry for the younger females, they are conditioned to expect very little from men, even staying to rear the young, I mean the state can become responsible for that can't they as the men are applauded and normalised for having numerous women.

The older age bracket, that use this term are more secretive, they are usually covert relationships and many of them have decided that to remain friends and keep on the periferies of someone's life means they are more respected within the FWB agreement, which in the long run ends up hurting different parties (mainly women).
The truth of it is, is they are mainly affairs, conducted by 'enlighted' intellegent women who think they've seen the light on how to fall in love without getting hurt. They deny having basic feelings of insecurity and jealousy that lower mortals in primary relationships have, theirs is the truth.

Until of course, the fun ends, they are devalued or discarded or maybe even start an official relationship if they manage to usurp a primary partner,
This FWB term can be just another cloak for destroying marriages but it started oh so innocently. If they suceed in becoming primary partner they then will do a full switch and then want the full terms and respect of a primary partner, it is only then they will join the mainstream and protect their own union, so no different from other women really.

I wonder how many FWB outgrow these relationships realising they are just another way for men to engineer getting sex without conditions.
FWB's cause a lot of damage in society and communities, just as affairs do but placing this stupid quirky name acts as some sort of protection as to the real nature of this behaviour.

I know I sound soap boxy but the devaluing of sex leads to my mind to the direct devaluing of women.

Well, he can go and find a thinner friend if that’s what he’s looking for!

Why did you keep it quiet, I mean having sex is hardly a crime.

I think we can guess.

Goodness, can you back up your mind boggling statement that most fwb relationships are affairs? It really reads like you’re hyper focused on cheating, cannot for any reason understand a woman might just want ri have no strings sex, can’t get your head round why they’d not wish anything in return, and that you find it shameful . It tells us more about your view of sex than I think you wish people to know.

ive never been in a fwb, but your posts are embarrassingly telling us you view sex as transactional. You do it in return for something from the man, you cannot perceive a situation where having sex just for fun is a thing, or that it is something single people do. And you feel if someone is having sex in this way, they absolutely must be married, and I guess either in a sexless relationship or one where the sex is perfunctory.

sex for many people is not transactional. It is not something you do in return for something ie a relationship. And plenty of people have happy marriages, as well as plenty of single people don’t wish a relationship but are happy with occasional sex.

you have to try to see the world as more than just you.

That’s not a serious question
It’s a stupid question !

Not a good point at all .
Infact it’s a stupid thing to say !!!
We all want to look & feel attractive to whoever we are having sex with , obviously we do !!!!!!

I'm reading these replies wondering if I've stepped into a time machine. I used to love casual sex, not because I thought it was empowering or any other crap but because I hadn't found a partner to fit my very complicated lifestyle at the time and it was fun.

People are weird AF here.

Are you including sex with longstanding friends in your definition?

I think you meant long standing friend singular in that and why wouldn’t she, if two consenting adults who like and care about each other wish to have sex, it isn’t your place to judge/

Weirdly enough I bet many of these FWB who love sex and arn't too selective about who they harm to get their rocks off, are not quite so enamoured when old female friends re emerge for the benefit of their primary partners.

Many are hypocrytes, no matter how much fun they had during their 'complicated lifestyles'.

And pull the other one that it's purely about sex, you only have to read the threads on the FWB posts to see many of them become obsessed with obtaining their 'friends' full time.
You see it makes no sense to lower your expectations of a male unless he is of high value. Women do not put up with that shit for low value males, or just the joy of sex, much of the time the sex is so enjoyable for the very fact that men will lower their standards for an easy enthusiastic lay.

The 'best sex I ever had' course it was because either the male was highly attractive or they had other features that made them highly attractive or useful.

But clearly monogamous people who try to minimise harm to their own sexual and mental health and have standards that involve not harming others are crazy not to enjoy the hedonism of great sex without boundaries with friends, actually always infering that we are poor between the sheets and fridged.

We clearly havn't obtained our BTEC in advanced sexual pursuits and libertarianism.

And, no we don't actually see the world as only us (as I have been accused of) we think of others before hurtling into sexual unions on the basis of just being friends. We have standards and make sure they are single, we don't call them FWB's ever.

I've heard a few younger women who refuse to accept the term FWB and instead prefer to call them BOTBB's. Each generation has you sewed up.

You judged a woman up thread accusing her of being triggered because maybe she was fat, that was personal, Mrs Lanky, we clearly know where your confidence comes from.

Anyway that's the whole point not entirely sure care is the right word for FWB's, mutual greed and egomania seems more appropriate if the abuse of others are involved.

And yes I give a higher percentage to the fact FWB's are in the majority side pieces, that are regularly picked up and dropped frquently by men.

That’s how I see it - I genuinely can’t see the difference. It’s transactional is that a better term?

😂 I have issues with neither my weight?! Or intimacy - I do definitely take issue with men degrading women! And so should you. And rather than championing the menz as you have been conditioned to do, like a performing monkey why not stop and think what this is doing to OP’s self esteem?

This is not about the sex per se but the absolute absence of respect, humanity and care. HE is treating her like shit, because that is how he sees her. An easy lay with no standards. I worry you are not following what this thread is about. It’s about the disgusting way some men treat women.

Stop having sex with him.

So if you have never seen it it cannot possibly exist.

That's not what I asked. I asked if it meets your definition of casual sex- it doesn't meet mine.

As for "it's not your place to judge"- I think I'd just remind you the OP came here to ask what others would do in this scenario. And- having thus been asked for their judgement of the situation- many have said they don't think it's one that would work for them in the first place.

If you don't like those replies, perhaps it's not your place to judge, and you should try a different thread.