He said this right after sex.

[pinkpeta]

I have a male friend. We are quite close. We’ve been having sex on and off for a decade now. In that time I have put on weight. 20kgs to be precise. He knows I’m unhappy with my weight. In this time he’s lost weight and is probably in the best shape of his life. I am trying my hardest to lose the weight.

Last time we had sex, we talked about it a few days later and he said something to the effect of “there was a point where I held on to your stomach and I thought “oh s* that big”. He wasn’t joking.

I hang up almost immediately. I haven’t spoken to him since. He called me about 20 times that day.
how would you have reacted to that? I feel very hurt and I think what makes it worse is that I can’t speak to anyone I know about it because it’s so embarrassing. Strangely it’s made me feel very isolated and upset.

This doesn’t mean I won’t ever speak to him again but I’m just processing my feelings and want to know what others think.

OP, you have known him a long time, it seems he is overall a positive friend to have in your life.

So no wonder you feel isolated and lonely when such a friend says something like that that strikes at the heart of how you currently feel about your own body and weight and is crass, rude and dismissive of your achievements on your weight loss journey.

Tell him.

Don’t nurse this hurt alone while blanking him: tell him!

Secondly , you are doing really well with weight loss. Treat your body as valuable and to be nurtured, and healthier eating is a way to value your self. A positive initiative.

Tell him today.

What puzzles me is that you’ve been having sex with him for ten years, you talk 2-3 hours a day, he is supportive and has helped you with your children. You clearly like each other. So why isn’t he your boyfriend? If he isn’t boyfriend material, then why are you sleeping with him and spending so much time with him. Surely this would be stopping you having any meaningful relationship with someone that could be your life partner. This isn’t a goady post, I am genuinely interested.

Don’t ever speak to him again either. He’s not a good friend. Have some self-respect and don’t hang out as a friend with someone who humiliated you like that. He’s a total cunt.

Well said!

I think the "oh your phone must be broken" reaction is almost a bigger issue than the original comment, it's obvious he's hurt you but he clearly doesn't have the emotional intelligence to acknowledge that, address it and apologise. I don't think he cares enough about your welfare to put the effort into fixing this, sorry. I would back off from the friendship and the long phone calls. You could use that time to go for walks listening to inspiring podcasts instead, which would probably do more for your mental and physical health than this friendship does.

Not talking to someone because you’ve been hurt is NOT giving someone the silent treatment,

Silent treatment is about punishing someone. Not giving yourself time to recover from being hurt.

For the sake of all women, I feel like we need to teach these blokes that if you neg someone, you lose your fuckbuddy.

This is the danger of having sex with somebody you don't love and doesn't love you. Sex makes you very vulnerable, it's very risky to do with a stranger but also with a friend as they don't love you but also your barriers aren't up as much as with a stranger.

Also, as @mirrorsandlights mentioned, you're giving so much time and energy to this friend/fwb that there can't be enough left for a possible new relationship. I know you weren't ready before now, but maybe take this as the point at which you draw back from the friend and end the fwb thing.

Another that hasn't heard of the common thing that is FWB.

I wouldn't continue a friendship with someone who makes me feel like shit, but it's up to you

Brilliant post

Totally disagree with that. As a friend, you don't see things about your friends objectively? I'm fat, so feel I can say this: why have we got to the point where no one should even think you are overweight? I've had a massive awakening this year, and the above is why I felt it was okay to pile on the weight.

Personally, I can’t understand the mentality of snagging someone who doesn’t love or respect you. How the hell did you end up being in this situation for a decade?! He’s an idiot. Surely you can’t be that desperate for sex!

Glad that works for you
For some people, sex with a friend is never an option.
Neither is wrong

That man doesn’t like you

The moralising about the existence of FWBs is pretty weird, tbh. But I also think the "what an evil man, what a total cunt, block him immediately" is weird as well. He's been an insensitive twat (lots of people are, it doesn't mean they're all totally irredeemable) and has said something incredibly hurtful, you've every right to feel hurt and that it's changed everything for you in terms of this friendship.

He clearly realises something is up, maybe is minimising what he said in his own mind (again, as insensitive foot in mouth people tend to do), but given he's someone who you say has generally been a practically supportive friend and who you talk to a lot usually, I'd be telling him outright that he's not heard from you because what he said hurt you badly, that yes, it's a very big deal to you and because of it, no, you don't want to sleep with him again and for now it means (whatever you want & need to happen next regarding this friendship).

I find "shock" things like this do tend to be incredibly useful turning point/wake up calls though in terms of particular friendships/relationships, whether they're actually worth it or salvageable - some are, although it usually changes things permanently. some aren't - and use it to inform what you are looking for in future, in both friendships and potential sexual partners.

And here we have the male perspective..

Loving how you’re looking out for your fellow man , I can see your post really is code for
“OP , don’t be hasty now , think this true “ 😂

Friends don’t treat each other like this.

Hes not your friend, hes using you for a shag.

you owe him absolutely nothing. Block him and move on.

It doesn't matter if you think you are friends with him. When you have an intimate arrangement, it changes the nature of the relationship. It doesn't matter if you label that FWB or anything else. It matters that he lacks awareness and respect for your feelings that he delivers that verdict on your body (that he just enjoyed for sex, and was good enough for that). I was in a relationship with a man who complained it was 'all dried up' down there once. He was being rude and referring to my advancing age (menopause years). This man professed to be in love with me, but he was just one of those speak as I find types (which roughly translates as not having any manners or self awareness). I replied that was due to his lack of skills in the bedroom (which was true) and dumped immediately. Life is too short for people affecting you in this way. You need to tell him why he has killed the friendship dead, and move on.

Well, I'm a woman and I don't think what you're responding to is an unreasonable approach to what appears in this case to have been a friendship that's gone on for a few years. It's not an especially "male" perspective that "all women" would obviously feel differently about. You do know that women do sometimes just want shags too, yes, and that it's not all a case of being "used" by men if the sex is not within marriage or something? And a lot of us do also have long term "just" friends who are male, and some do have FWBs, though this can get complicated, as we've seen.

In this case, the guy's been a twat, crossed an important line, in both friendship and sexually, which, like most relationships & friendships, changes the terms of it & may end it altogether. But only the OP can know if the friendship is in any way redeemable or not because she knows him and you don't.

This silent treatment you're giving him is very childish if you still want to be friends. You should have had some backbone in the first place and told him what he said was unacceptable. If he makes a genuine apology, you thank him, and then you tell him in no uncertain terms that you're happy to stay friends, but you won't be having sex again.

"I accept your apology, but I'm not going to be able to get that comment out of my head. You've killed it for me."

And then you follow through and don't have sex with him again. But I suspect the reason you haven't done this is because he's your only outlet for sex and you know you'll go back there again. You'll lose the weight, he'll compliment you on how much better you look, and you'll feel like shit again.

Freezing him out for a few days isn't self-respect. Using your words is. Sticking by your resolutions is. If you really will "never ever ever" have sex with this man again, tell him that. Let him make his apology, and move on as friends. These silly games are a just a way of keeping the door open while you lie to yourself.

He’s only ever seen you as a receptacle for his penis. That’s why he is able to make a crude comment about your body so casually because he does not have any emotional connection to you.

He is not a friend, maybe he was originally but the sex without being in a committed and loving relationship has desensitised him to thinking of you as just an object to relieve himself in.

I would not get back in touch with him unless you want to send him a very clear message that you have very little self worth and he is welcome to use you just for sex.

Either block and delete him or send the suggested text.

Did you not like the suggested text?

Unlike many on here, I think FWB can work. It has for me. It depends where you are in life. If someone is at a stage where they've done commitment and don't want it right now, or ever again, FWB can be great.

However, I'm wondering if you can get yourself a better FWB, OP, and keep this one as a friend without benefits. I think you should tell him that he really hurt you with that remark, and ask why he had to say that considering that he knows you're self-conscious about your weight?

Is he actually any good in bed? I ask because the best lover I've ever experienced had exquisite manners outside the bedroom...which translated into excellent bedroom manners and excellent bedroom skills. After being with him, I tend to see people with fewer social graces as probably being graceless in the bedroom, too. So maybe get yourself a better FWB.

This is a horrible interpretation. OP and her FWB have been friends for years and have had many times where they've gone ages without having sex, and he has helped her and supported her in many ways.

A light-hearted, no-strings-attached FWB can be an insane amount of fun, without all the gravity of commitment weighing it down. There are some real old fuddy-duddies on here! Not to mention some really nasty misogyny. Just an object for him to relieve himself in? A receptable for his penis? Shame on you. Especially when OP has already stated how much he's done for her over the years. 😡