He said this right after sex.

[pinkpeta]

I have a male friend. We are quite close. We’ve been having sex on and off for a decade now. In that time I have put on weight. 20kgs to be precise. He knows I’m unhappy with my weight. In this time he’s lost weight and is probably in the best shape of his life. I am trying my hardest to lose the weight.

Last time we had sex, we talked about it a few days later and he said something to the effect of “there was a point where I held on to your stomach and I thought “oh s* that big”. He wasn’t joking.

I hang up almost immediately. I haven’t spoken to him since. He called me about 20 times that day.
how would you have reacted to that? I feel very hurt and I think what makes it worse is that I can’t speak to anyone I know about it because it’s so embarrassing. Strangely it’s made me feel very isolated and upset.

This doesn’t mean I won’t ever speak to him again but I’m just processing my feelings and want to know what others think.

Typical tactless male.

I had a FWB - IMHO these can be quite shallow relationships. Mine went to the gym a lot and at the time I was too. He used to comment A LOT on my body whilst also saying that he couldn't he with someone larger. I brushed it because, you know, sex. But, truth be told, the comments are like ear worms. It's very easy to fall down the trap. I remember when I gained some weight I felt worse about my body because of having him in my head. I stopped seeing him and was honest that I wasn't feeling it anymore. I didn't really say why, I don't think he deserved an explanation or the education on it from me.

We kept chatting and he kept banging on at me to meet up and I just got bored so I blocked him after one particularly blunt innuendous message from him. We weren't really 'friends', we'd not met that many times, so it wasn't difficult to do. I just fell out of desire. Any FWB has to bring good feelings and have safe communication and boundaries (and IMHO an end point as well) else there is absolutely no point whatsoever. Maybe this is your natural end point.

However fat the person you are having sex with is, it ia unacceptable to make crass comments explaining that you think about how massively fat they are during sex .

Just refrain from having FWB sex with someone who is too fat for you to be attracted to. If you do have sex with them and find the fat off-putting then definitely don't make crass unpleasant comments after the fact. Just you stop sleeping with them.

This is all just basic respect for a person you are being intimate with. How fat they are is irrelevant

Things might be more complex in a relationship where concerns about health and long term survival of the relationship if attraction declines are a factor but in a FWB situation it is really very simple.

If you are sleeping with someone, at least have the decency to pretend you find their body appealing and if you can no longer do that, then stop sleeping with them and don't make fun of their body. To do anything else is pretty poor behaviour

Just refrain from having FWB sex with someone who is too fat for you to be attracted to. If you do have sex with them and find the fat off-putting then definitely don't make crass unpleasant comments after the fact. Just you stop sleeping with them.
I get the impression he didn't notice until doing the deed. But he could still have chosen to say nothing, or if he felt he had to, he could have deall with it far more sensitvely and acknowledge how sensitive OP is about it all. Obviously saying nothing would have been the better option though.

My guess is op is back in touch with this rancid male, and because he is her ‘friend’ he gets the green light to continue to use her for his own benefit. She seems dependent on the two hour phone calls she has daily with him. Refusing to believe that she is playing the shoo in role of girlfriend until he finds the real thing - that he is certainly not doing it for her benefit or because he cares for her.

Until she goes into counselling and works on the reasons why she is prepared to put up such poor friends and behaviour, and learns how to look after and protect herself (and her children/life)) she is doomed to continue with the revolving door of dubious characters and endless cycle of low self worth. She needs to be far more discerning, and raise her expectations. Take a long look at her childhood, and the patterns formed there.

I’m not particularly sensitive, but would have taken offence at this. I really don’t blame you for feeling upset.
He’s a dickhead who obviously thinks he’s above you now that he’s lost weight.

What a truly awful thing to say “ he sees her as an easy lay with no standards “ , no you my dear look down that nose of yours on friends who meet up for sex ..
Clearly it’s not for you & that’s fine too , but it’s not nice to read your judgmental view & the nasty words you use to get it across …

You are fuck buddies. That's below being friends.

I think you mean we all put on weight as we eat too much food.

The whole point of a FWB is to make you feel good - physically and putting the spring in your step you get from good sex.

I have no issue with casual relationships - I think there’s something admirable in a woman putting her kids first and avoiding jumping into another serious relationship or moving a man in after 5 mins, but still acknowledging she has physical needs that can be fulfilled.

However, FWB type relationships can be tricky to navigate. The moment you stop feeling good about it / the moment it stops you feeling good about yourself is the moment to move on without looking back - the whole point of it is that you can end it painlessly

No, fuck buddies are people you meet only for sex. FWBs do have an element of friendship too. Not that it's really relevant.

Does that make the bloke a chubby chaser?

I am not trying to be ‘nice’ thanks, I am being honest. I have heard many men speak about it in exactly those terms! Take it up with them. I have already.

Clearly you don’t know the nicest of men & that’s kinda sad in itself being honest ..
Lots of nice decent men & women get together that actually enjoy one another’s company & are sexually attracted to one another aswel , but just don’t want everything else that comes with a relationship…
Neither party looking on the other with disrespect & an “ easy lay “ as you so crudely put it …

I have some genuinely great men around me which is why I can’t understand why op would put up with this kind of treatment.

If you want to have sex that is a free choice, but to continue a ‘friendship’ after such disrespect is the issue here for most pp here I suspect. It’s not about attraction is it, op is being treated disgracefully - it’s about contempt and deliberate harm.

I was referring to your general opinion of FWB , that’s all 🤷🏻‍♀️..
Not actually how OP has been treated by her friend ..

My general opinion on FWB is that it is transactional, and many women get hurt in the process. We are always taking the risk (pregnancy)
and therefore it is never truly equal. Unless you are infertile or are planning a pregnancy.

Respect and courtesy should be the absolute bare minimum. I care about the women - men are just taking the opportunities presented free of charge (you can dispute the morality and integrity of such choices) It is the case that they are not always complimentary of such women! Quite the reverse. Don’t be naive.

I’m not naive..
Friends with benefits works very well for lots of people & more it doesn’t, it’s like everything In life , you refuse to accept that though & you are very judgmental..
Like I said before it’s not for you & that’s cool , but it does work for more & that’s cool too ..
Personally it doesn’t suit me , but that is because I get attached if I like someone, a very good friend of mine it actually works very well for , she likes that she doesn’t have to commit to him 🤷🏻‍♀️, They meet up regularly for drinks out / in , good company & work well together sexually ..
They’re friends that have fun …

It's so funny all the women on here judging other women so harshly when it's supposed to be a support forum. I think MN needs to close this thread. Some of the things being said are deeply misogynistic and I feel like I'm in the 1950s. Some women enjoy casual sex, plenty actually. Lots of married women have affairs too..everyone is different.

What does the “many” misogynist men you have spoken to have to do with this man OP is talking about?

"They're friends that have fun"

Do FWB's all have an agreement that both parties can have unlimited sexual relations and fun with all friend ?

Or are FWB's meant to be exclusive.

@Goditsmemargaret "I truly believe that some men see you differently when you're a person they have sex with - that's all they see."

Yep.

if you want to have low standards for friends and sexual partners you knock yourself out 🤷🏽‍♀️ one good thing about MN is the scorched earth policy bias
and as for “friends f#%k up” it’s not even like he said it in the heat of the moment “oh oops tummy” and then OP could’ve shut it down and decided if she wanted to proceed with him, they spoke about it a few days later so he had time to think about his comments, then still said it! OP can definitely do better for friends 🫡

Depends on the FWBs in question. It's not like driving, where you have to pass a test and follow the rules set out in the Highway Code.

So it's all about the contract when you first hook up as to whether multiple partners are involved be it primary partners or even more FWB's and fuck buddys.

What's the difference between a fuck buddy and a FWB.

I should imaging a fuck buddy being someone you continue to have sex with on a regular basis is similar to a FWB, as it would be hard not to have any social interaction with someone who you were having sex with.

Is there some kind of higher status given to FWB over a fuck buddy ?