He said this right after sex.

[pinkpeta]

I have a male friend. We are quite close. We’ve been having sex on and off for a decade now. In that time I have put on weight. 20kgs to be precise. He knows I’m unhappy with my weight. In this time he’s lost weight and is probably in the best shape of his life. I am trying my hardest to lose the weight.

Last time we had sex, we talked about it a few days later and he said something to the effect of “there was a point where I held on to your stomach and I thought “oh s* that big”. He wasn’t joking.

I hang up almost immediately. I haven’t spoken to him since. He called me about 20 times that day.
how would you have reacted to that? I feel very hurt and I think what makes it worse is that I can’t speak to anyone I know about it because it’s so embarrassing. Strangely it’s made me feel very isolated and upset.

This doesn’t mean I won’t ever speak to him again but I’m just processing my feelings and want to know what others think.

Yes. Never again

You’ll never feel comfortable having sex with him again knowing that he could make a similar offensive comment or even be thinking it.

If he’s a good enough friend you may want to revive that part of the relationship if he is willing to sincerely apologise. No wonder he is often single!

If you’re going to accuse people of things like this then you should really work on your reading comprehension first, it’s not on.

“You know I thought the exact opposite when I saw your c$%ck.”

Right?! Lol comprehension is key

🤣🤣🤣

He now knows that he can't be unfiltered with the OP

OP - what he said was unkind and very hurtful. However you have said that you ARE overweight and unhappy about it

Use his words to fire you up to lose the weight. That's taking a real positive from this horrible situation

Also, don't ignore him. Tell him what he said was very hurtful and you can't be around him because of it. Using silence as a weapon isn't a good idea imo

Would he still be your friend if you and him weren't having sex?

Having read your updates, am I right in saying the sex comes in bursts - only when you’re both single and then not for a while (when he’s in a relationship), but you’ve been single for the last 5 years since Covid? So from that, it seems he’s having sex with you whenever he’s single? I wonder if you’d still be such good friends if you weren’t available for sex…
I’m not sure I’d end the friendship if he really has supported you over the years, but I certainly would never have sex with him again and focus on you. If you make that decision too, for your mental wellbeing, you need to stick to it…

Op why are you allowing a ‘blunt’ disrespectful man to have access to your private life or ‘rough things’ and your body? Your self esteem sounds like it is at rock bottom.

The extra weight/comfort food maybe a coping strategy if you having to manage alone. Do you have decent girl friends you can trust instead or family?

This man is bad news, and he is using you. He certainly doesn’t care about you or respect you. He will just be reinforcing your low opinion of yourself.

Friends should never be harmful. They are your greatest champions and supporters. I do feel it would be worth getting some therapy op, and discover why you think so little of yourself. I would have throttled him, such an unkind thing to say!

Yes. This year we’ve only had sex once. Before this year we hadn’t since Sept 22. It’s not the basis of our friendship or even a big part of it. I just wanted to add context of time.

what he said was horrible. But it’s harsh to completely cut someone off for a very inconsiderate comment that they regret. He obviously knew he’d upset you and sounds like he was trying to apologise with all his calls.
As another poster said, friends can be hard to find. Friendships are not always smooth sailing and need working at. Is it really worth throwing it away, over one badly misjudged comment?

Not quite. I made a decision to be celibate from Apr 23. This went on until I decided to break that earlier this year. But yes I agree I won’t be having sex with him again

Just be honest with him, if you want to continue the friendship you can’t ignore what he’s said and if you want to end the friendship you’ve nothing to lose anyway. Even if it was a slip of the tongue what he’s said was out of line and you deserve an apology. I have friendships where we can be pretty blunt to each other at times but there’s a line.

The ‘rules’ of friendships and long term sexual relationships are different, expectations are different and you’re vulnerable in different ways. There’s things I’d do and say with a partner that I wouldn’t with a friend. Similarly to when a friend is so close they feel like ‘family’, you treat them differently to a standard friend. A friendship that also includes sex is going to blur boundaries, maybe like anything goes so he’s not concerned about filtering himself.

Whatever you do, I wouldn’t continue sleeping with him after this. If you are genuine friends then I don’t think it’s unfixable (if you want to fix it) but you’ll have to re-establish the friendship on new terms.

So he knows your phone isn't broken and doesn't even have the decency to apologise for upsetting you. What a horrible man. I certainly wouldn't be having sex with him again, he doesn't deserve your body.

But sounds horrible, why are you confiding in him of all people?

So when will you be seeing him next to just hang out? It must happen a lot if you are close.

How are you going to handle this upset when you see him in person as usual?

He should have apologised immediately and unreservedly. The fact he is now playing games is really bloody telling. Your phone isn’t broken you are clearly hurt. How dare he!

You're not 'just friends' because friends don't sleep with each other regularly. His words must have stung, but only you know whether that's it or whether you want to give him a chance to apologise. How do you feel about your body? Do you want to try to lose weight or are you happy? Be honest with yourself, that might affect how you deal with him.

That’s a horrible thing to say. You’d be perfectly reasonable to end the friendship over it. If you want to give him another chance you could tell him how much it hurt you and see what he says. You say he’s been messaging lots, has he apologised? Does he even realise he’s done something wrong?

I actually saw him today because I gave a mutual friend a lift to him as they were going out for someone’s bday. I parked quite close cos she couldn’t walk in her heels. His windows are tinted and I avoided looking. But no we don’t see each other in person a lot. We don’t live that close and I have kids that keep me busy. Maybe once every other month. But we talk for an average of 2 - 3 hours a day normally. Been strange not talking.

They did hurt. I’m very unhappy with my body. But I’ve recently gone from 94kgs to 88kgs. I’m working on it every day but I have 30kgs to go. Quite a lot left

Well done on the weight loss - do what you feel is right though, not because someone shames you.

He hasn’t apologised. He just pretended my phone was broken. He called a lot on Friday. Saturday his sister got married. Saw him briefly through another friend this evening. I’m expecting that he will probably try tomorrow. (Based on past experiences)