He said this right after sex.

[pinkpeta]

I have a male friend. We are quite close. We’ve been having sex on and off for a decade now. In that time I have put on weight. 20kgs to be precise. He knows I’m unhappy with my weight. In this time he’s lost weight and is probably in the best shape of his life. I am trying my hardest to lose the weight.

Last time we had sex, we talked about it a few days later and he said something to the effect of “there was a point where I held on to your stomach and I thought “oh s* that big”. He wasn’t joking.

I hang up almost immediately. I haven’t spoken to him since. He called me about 20 times that day.
how would you have reacted to that? I feel very hurt and I think what makes it worse is that I can’t speak to anyone I know about it because it’s so embarrassing. Strangely it’s made me feel very isolated and upset.

This doesn’t mean I won’t ever speak to him again but I’m just processing my feelings and want to know what others think.

Ruby1985 · Today 07:40
Which is even worse! Who has sex with a ‘friend’ for ten years !

Would you like a show of hands?

I think the sex is actually irrelevant here. The real issue is that a long standing friend of OP's said something really shitty that really hurt her feelings, and the prat isn't even apologising. Rather, he's trying to pretend that OP isn't contacting him because her phone is broken. Which is bloody infantile and pathetic.

Whether I would continue the friendship would depend on whether he apologises PROPERLY. Meaning

• he admits he made a mistake and describes what happened in terms of how OP would have felt (showing empathy): "I told you your stomach was big, even though I know it would really hurt your feelings, because you told me just recently how much your extra weight bothers you"
• He apologises without any reservation and takes FULL responsibility for his hurtful behaviour: "I'm really sorry that I said it, I feel really bad that I hurt you like this."
• He says he'll never do it again: "I know I say stupid things sometimes, and they hurt others. I'm going to really work on myself to stop doing that."
• He requests forgiveness instead of demanding it: "I'm really sorry and I hope you can forgive me. I really value our friendship, you mean a lot to me, and I'm kicking myself that I could have harmed something so meaningful to me. I really hope you'll give me a chance to repair things."

If he says ANY of the following, it's not an apology, he is NOT remorseful, and I wouldn't deal with him anymore:

• "I'm sorry you feel hurt"or "I'm sorry that you were offended" (this blames the injured party for being injured)
• "A mistake was made" (passive voice, shifts responsibility off to something exterior - that's not taking personal ownership of their shitty action)
• "Well, it's the truth that you're pretty fat. What I said was technically true" (that's doubling down on the offense - it's the "DA" part of DARVO).
• "I'm upset that you just hung up on me and then ignored me like that, that really hurt my feelings" (the "RVO" part of DARVO)
• "I was only kidding" (men often use this - you're being hysterical and silly to be offended at a "joke" - btw, jokes aren't jokes if they're not funny)
• "REALLY? Are you upset about THAT?!" (making you seem like you're an idiot for being offended - DARVO again)
• "You're really blowing this out of proportion" (minimising your feelings)
• "I was just trying to help motivate you, you yourself told me how much it bothers you" (presenting his offensive behavour as a gift and positioning you as churlish for expecting that friends should hold you up, not tear you down)

If he's not truly remorseful, that means he either said what he said on purpose to hurt you or he's so thick and emotionally stunted that he will do something like this again.

Well, this arrangement has made it to a time where yhe cherry on the top (sex) gives you more acid reflux than is worthy for the taste.
Do not have sex with him anymore. What is the point of being left feeling down and feeling fat, instead of a little boost? It does no longer fits purpose.

All of this.

Firstly , I meant to say through, & not spelt it incorrect , true , now that I’ve that cleared up 😂..

I was just messing around with other pp , that’s all ..
Of course I realise women have needs & we don’t always engage in sex cause we want to get married to whoever we are meeting up with !
Me being one of those women ..

I agree completely this guy has crossed a line with OP ..
Shame he’s not owning it & ringing to apologise , & talk things through with her considering they have been friends for so long , besides this stupid thing he’s doing “ your phone must be broken “ …

He seems to think he can ‘ banter’ about your body in a rude way because you are friends and probably banter about other things. This is so wrong! He should understand that because you have entered into a sexual relationship he should treat you with more care and respect. What an idiot.I wouldn’t bother with him again.

I do think those that enter FWB situations can be rather naive. The long term ones are usually part of a male's life time harem.

The time frame suggests you have been a convienient sex partner, he supporting you in practical terms and you offering him sex, with no strings attatched, a fair exchange.
These mutually beneficient relationships are often viewed by females as very respectful, truths are often not spoken, because a different type of truth exists, the truth of sexual expoits, but more often than not these females are not involved in the real truth, that being the males usually have many concurrently running FWBs and F Buddies, that are concealed. Sexual health is ignored sometimes on a gigantic scale.
And they view these men as friends.

Both parties may aknowledge the existance of other partnerships, theirs is a shared secret in many cases, they are above the normal restrictions of primary relationships and the contracts that exist between equals.

There are advantages and disadvantages to these unions, but the one thing that really separates real relationships from FWBs is the false respect that has to be maintained for men to continue having 'free sex'. It seems he has noticed you have changed since your last meeting, have gained weight, are less confident, this has brought him less validation whilst having sex with you, you are now on the disposable list, the false respect has been erradicated.

He may have other FWB's who he supports practically and emotionally, your offerings may not be as essential anymore, he's basically done the unthinkable and shown you his real self, which is the death blow for FWBs.
He was always capable of this, you know that, but both of you extracted from it what you needed. I'm sure that in his primary relationships he was vile but your agreement was he would not be nasty to you.

This must be very painful but I believe he did this purposefully, you just have to figure out why.
So now you know he has always been judging you, maybe he has had enough of supporting you now and the sex no longer equals the fair exchange he signed up for.

I'd run if I were you, if you forgive this you will both know that you have seriously lowered your bar beyond offering sex in exchange for friendship.

He was never a real friend, real friends do not have sex.

Not sure what posts youre reading but nowhere in OPs posts does she say . He has tried to contact her, yes but is blaming her lack of replies on 'oh you must have a broken phone' even though he KNOWS thats not true.
At no point has he said 'look i think I've fucked up/ upset you! Can we talk please?' He's well aware of what has caused the upset but is not addressing it like a tantrumming toddler ignoring his behaviour! No responsibility!

It's the OPs decision but I wouldn't want to be having sex/friends with someone who nit only thinks this but feels its acceptable to tell you later!

Indeed. Me too, it's entirely dependent on the personal circumstances of both parties. The whole point of an FWB is that the "benefits" should be fun and mutually pleasurable. With this one, it isn't going to be now, he's killed it with that comment and would now go in my 'ick' file for ever, frankly.

You seem to be as deluded as the op.

Men will use any arena for extra sexual exploits, the gym, the office, tradesmen offering their services withan extra side helping, hobbyists shagging female hobbyists, customers, colleagues, the list goes on.
Many of them being too old for the nightclub meat market curcuit have to adapt to where females frequent when aging.

Take sex off the table and see how these friendships dissapear.

It's not that deep and it's not love at any level.

But you sleep with him so there is some sort of connection...

Finish it, he'll chip away at your confidence

You deserve better regardless of your body size

So why did OP's FWB stick around during the many years and be a great fried to her when there were no benefits, then?

I don't understand why some people cannot accept that there are FWB arrangements that work very well under certain circs and suit both, and are beneficial to both, not just the woman.

Loads of good advice on here so I’m not going to add my opinion on how horrible his comments were.

But if you want a nice supportive bunch of people for exercise encouragement @pinkpeta over on the exercise page there’s a lovely group of us doing the 30 day shred which has great results really quickly.

ETA: Deluded? MY FWB was some of the most fun I've ever had in my life and he totally revived me after a dreadful marriage. We are still firm friends today, although not involved sexually.

But yeah, I guess the whole thing was a delusion!

I sense some jealousy on here about FWB relationships, due to all the uncalled-for negativity from some quarters, and some people conveniently ignoring how supportive this friendship has been during very long episodes of no sex...some women really do have fantastic NSA sex, sorry! Maybe some people should try how much fun it can be when not weighed down by monogamy, commitment, in-laws, shared bills, etc.

@IControl

You seem to be as deluded as the op.
Men will use any arena for extra sexual exploits, the gym, the office, tradesmen offering their services withan extra side helping, hobbyists shagging female hobbyists, customers, colleagues, the list goes on.
Many of them being too old for the nightclub meat market curcuit have to adapt to where females frequent when aging.
Take sex off the table and see how these friendships dissapear.
It's not that deep and it's not love at any level.

With a bit of editorly discipline you could have shortened this to 'straight men are not capable of friendships with women'.

That's not true. I'd only have to cite one instance to prove it's not true, but - just from personal experience - I can cite dozens.

@pinkpeta

So I'd say to the OP that you must, of course, make your own choice, and I hope that some of the advice here has been helpful. But always consider the worldview behind any advice you're offered.

The worldview expressed above - by @IControl - not only suggests that you're on a loser going forward, but implies that you always were, and you made a mistake a long time ago, whatever good things that this bloke has bought into your life. Because, you see, if it weren't for the intermittent sex, he'd never have been your friend in the first place. Apparently.

“Best shape of his life”? Sounds shallow and obsessed

I would be mortified. I've put on lots of weight and am very self-conscious. Am so sorry this happened. Such a thoughtless comment.

Its funny how this boy, yes, I said BOY is ok with your weight when he is getting what he wants, and only brings this up a call, after the fact?

The fact is, saying that is extremely hurtful. Especially to an intimate partner whether you are committed or not.

If it was me, I would be telling him our arrangement is now off.

Believe me, getting upset over someone you're sleeping with who is NOT a committed partner, is not worth it.

Ok, lets be honest here. It sounds like you do have something to hold onto around yr tummy, whilst it was rude to say it, its the truth isnt it?

You've been fucking on and off for years, the relationship isnt loving in the sense of a real partnership, he thinks of you as a friend,albeit a really good one and talks to you as such.

You should have told him in the moment it was rude! Or you should have told him on message. I doubt he even realises what he said.

Sorry he upset you op .

This is why so called 'fwb' arrangements are inadvisable imo. Men just use women for sex and as they aren't emotionally invested they think they can say what they like.

Sometimes people say silly things and if he is a friend and you feel that comfy enough to be naked with him - maybe he just messed up and lost himself.

You both know you’re a big girl - sometimes men can be thoughtless.

I said that all to say that I probably wouldn’t sleep with him again.

I know you said you’ve been trying your hardest to lose weight but maybe this will give you that extra boost of motivation.

He’s not worth shagging ever again and I wouldn’t bother trying to remain friends with a man like this, it’s really that awful. He’s a tactless, rude dickhead.

It’s clear you’ve actually read and understood most of my replies. Thank you for your comment

When I first met him, we sort of tried to date then but we were both very immature in different ways. I was also just getting out of a very toxic on off thing so mentally I wasn’t ready. So that kind of started the casual sex and then I had to move away for a yr in 16/17. When I came back I quickly got into a relationship with someone who was a “better prospect” long term. We were together for 3yrs. So in that time we became good friends. We’ve never been single at the same time until now. But our lives have gone in completely different directions, they don’t align well enough. Plus I have kids. He has none, I want to be with someone with kids because I really don’t want any more.