He said this right after sex.

[pinkpeta]

I have a male friend. We are quite close. We’ve been having sex on and off for a decade now. In that time I have put on weight. 20kgs to be precise. He knows I’m unhappy with my weight. In this time he’s lost weight and is probably in the best shape of his life. I am trying my hardest to lose the weight.

Last time we had sex, we talked about it a few days later and he said something to the effect of “there was a point where I held on to your stomach and I thought “oh s* that big”. He wasn’t joking.

I hang up almost immediately. I haven’t spoken to him since. He called me about 20 times that day.
how would you have reacted to that? I feel very hurt and I think what makes it worse is that I can’t speak to anyone I know about it because it’s so embarrassing. Strangely it’s made me feel very isolated and upset.

This doesn’t mean I won’t ever speak to him again but I’m just processing my feelings and want to know what others think.

You must be a joy to all around you in real life. Thank you for your comments. Have a good day x

LOL could your disdain for life and anger issues be more apparent sour puss.

This is a strange relationship I’d say.
Stop having sex and put some distance in between you. I’m guessing you’re both single- is this just about sex for both of you?
he’s betrayed your trust with this comment- no going back from that. X

Talk to him and express your feelings and how his comment affected you, see how he reacts and move from there! Chances are, he's a bit dense and didn't think about your feelings while saying that. If you've been good friends overall he might be mortified to find out he offended you with his lack of empathy.
If he just laughs it off after being called out directly and never apologizes, then you'd be right to discard a friendship, but I'd give him a chance to fix it first.

Cutting people off or breaking up or divorcing is a common advice internet has for any relationship problem and it's an easy thing to say when you're an outsider. However, when you're within the situation it's actually way more nuanced than just simply walking away and never talking to someone again.

Probably the issue is that he’s talking to you like you’re just one of his mates except that intimacy and sex brings a whole other layer to the relationship, even if it’s casual.

I’d probably tell him the truth about how it
made me feel and take it from there.

I'm in the camp that thinks he made a thoughtless, unkind and stupid comment to someone he sees as a good friend and is relaxed around. I also think there's a slight possibility that he genuinely thought your phone was broken when - to him - it cut off suddenly and he couldn't get hold of you. However, I'm sure the penny has dropped by now and hopefully he's reflecting on what he said. I do think you should talk to him, tell him how upset you were and that he needs to think more carefully about what he says.
I also think you should ignore the posters talking so negatively about him using you, and I say that as someone who is quite prudish about casual sex. From your posts, you have a good, long lasting and supportive relationship and it's been your choice to have sex with him from time to time, not just his. You can now exercise the choice not to and decide whether the rest of your friendship with him is worth maintaining. I'd speak to him, see if he truly apologises then make the decision from there.

I think you just need to say that you’re hurt by what he said, so he try and make amends. You say he has been there for you through some really tough times etc only you can decide wether it’s worth getting rid of him from your life based on that comment.
It was thoughtless, tactless and unkind but he probably didn’t mean it maliciously if he’s an otherwise generally nice person.
Having said that, I wouldn’t be having sex with him anymore, the boundaries have become blurred and you need to put some firm ones back in place.
If he doesn’t apologise profusely and goes on the defensive then you know that he’s probably not the person you need in your life right now.
But message him, tell him how his crass comment made you feel, stop ignoring the situation and just say it.

I would ignore this poster @pinkpeta - something has irked them. (Maybe they’ve just left a Trump rally or something 😅)

sorry you’re going through this.
If your friendship is normally good, and if you can genuinely say to yourself that usually you’re not waiting around for him but it’s mutually beneficial then maybe give him the opportunity to apologise. You could just be friends with no sex if that works.
Maybe, also for your health and happiness sake use it as a spur to get healthy and in shape with more energy to feel better about yourself?
It’s sad when friendships break down - go easy on yourself xx

Me. I've a couple of friends I sometimes have sex with, if we're both single at the time and in the mood.

I would say to him something like, he knows how sensitive you are about weight, and what he said really hurt because of how he said it. You needed time to process it. And then see if he will apologise.

If he's been through a lot with you, I would give him a chance to make amends, but he has to do some of the work.

He's got a history of saying hurtful things though. That's not something a friend does. The reason 'cut off and block' is a popular is response is because no woman deserves that shit.

Just to reiterate for everyone who didn't read further on - saying hurtful things was not a one off. It doesn't fall into the bracket of a silly or thoughtless comment. It's a pattern.

I was with a man like this and later realised he was slightly autistic, he just said what he saw. Very hurtful in an intimate relationship

If he's a friend he was an honest of tactless friend..
You are his friend so tell him he was being a cunt.
And move on. Just no more sex..

You've never heard of Friends With Benefits (FWB)?

Friends with benefits is supposed to be fun and uncomplicated, OP.

This man is upsetting you (and sounds like an arsehole). Lose his number. He's not a friend in any sense.

👏

I'd never have sex with him again. The desire would be out the window and my confidence would be crushed.
It was a cruel and thoughtless thing to say, and I'm sure he did call you 20 times when he realised he wouldn't have a fuck buddy around anymore. As he has a track record for saying mean things and it wasn't a one off, I'd knock the friendship on the head and move on. I don't want a "mate" who likes me to feel like shit about myself. I can do that on my own pretty easily!

Do you want to continue seeing him? I would say this

Your comment about my stomach hurt me. I don’t accept jokes about my weight. I need an apology before I feel ready to answer your call.

If you want to keep the friendship I would say something like:

“Hi Brian, apologies for the silence, to be frank your comment the other day really hurt me and I needed a few days to think. It’s made me realise our sexual relationship has run its course and is really just habit rather than genuine attraction between us. I’m as always grateful for how supportive you’ve been as my friend and that’s probably the best thing for us going forward. See you at coffee / hillwalking / Susan’s birthday?”

This is the post that @Walkden misread as "He's never seen/met my boyfriend". Just clearing that up as people seem to be getting worked up about it.

I would not saying anything about being sensitive about your weight because why should you share your insecurities with him and give him ammunition to insult you in the future

He sounds mortified as he has rung you so much since , he realises what he's done,
You said he has said the odd hurtful comment before but had tamed it . This time he definitely spoke before thinking .

Have a talk with him, is what he said really worth throwing away a ten year friendship?

Maybe tell him you were upset by his comment and see how he responds? Women tend to be much more sensitive about weight than men IME. He might not be bothered at all and have no idea of the impact his words had on you.