He said this right after sex.

[pinkpeta]

I have a male friend. We are quite close. We’ve been having sex on and off for a decade now. In that time I have put on weight. 20kgs to be precise. He knows I’m unhappy with my weight. In this time he’s lost weight and is probably in the best shape of his life. I am trying my hardest to lose the weight.

Last time we had sex, we talked about it a few days later and he said something to the effect of “there was a point where I held on to your stomach and I thought “oh s* that big”. He wasn’t joking.

I hang up almost immediately. I haven’t spoken to him since. He called me about 20 times that day.
how would you have reacted to that? I feel very hurt and I think what makes it worse is that I can’t speak to anyone I know about it because it’s so embarrassing. Strangely it’s made me feel very isolated and upset.

This doesn’t mean I won’t ever speak to him again but I’m just processing my feelings and want to know what others think.

This will be unpopular, but I think your actual weight itself might be key here. If you’re a size 12, carrying a little extra than you used to, but overall still in good health… then he’s an arse.

If you’re morbidly obese, then you might be being a bit oversensitive. Your stomach WOULD be big, he’s just stating facts. And sometimes we don’t like to hear them, but it doesn’t make the person saying them evil.

Why you even have such an arrangement, your are providing service for free which there are women who charge by the hour. Yikes.

Being really honest,@pinkpeta, this is why I've always been quite sceptical about whether the "friends who have sex but are somehow not in a relationship" arrangement can ever really work. You might not ever expect it to become more committed than it is, but he's a regular and ongoing part of your life, you've put your trust in him to treat you well, and his opinion of your body has the power to hurt you because you're physically intimate.

If it walks like a relationship and quacks like a relationship... well, you get the idea!

So, the same rules apply. He's hurt you in a way that should have been obvious and predictable, and has lost your trust. You don't think you want to have sex with him again, so you need to decide if there's a way you can still be friends- this is exactly the same question as it would be if you'd been officially together.

So- over to you. Have you stayed friends with other, official exes? Do you think you could get past it- as friends- if he apologised? Do you think keeping him in your life might hold you back from meeting someone new?

There isn't necessarily a right or wrong answer- what's important is that you're not obliged to come up with a different one because you never stuck a label on him marked "boyfriend".

They may certainly think it but saying it is rude and hurtful.

I’m also finding the responses very dramatic and the pressure being put on the op to end the friendship unacceptable,

op, you clearly like this man and he’s done a lot for you over the years, only you know, deep down if he was trying to hurt you or made a stupid comment about what he thought, it is also feasible he doesn’t know that all the ignoring is as he told you you’d a big tummy,

personally I’d speak to him, say look I know my tummy is big, you know I’m bothered by it and losing weight, so I found the comment hurtful,

as you say this isn’t your boyfriend. There is no romance here, it is a convenient shag for both of you. In amongst a long term friendship where he has repeatedly proven he cares by doing a lot for you. It sounds to me more like something he blurted out and should have known better.

i mean i get it’s hurtful, no one wants to hear it, never mind after sex, and yes he should have had better control than to blurt it out. but im really not sure it’s as drama worthy as people are making out.

Don't be so spiteful, it suits them both not just her male friend.

No, he doesn't sound even remotely mortified. If he were mortified he would have apologised, not accused her of having a broken phone. He is not mortified in the slightest.

Ever think she might enjoy it? She said it was mutually beneficial. Women doing like having sex and friends with benefits, too, you know.

Agree with this. My DH is very blunt, it's one of the things I love about him. He just states things as they are (about everything in life, and not just to me), without judgement.

OP, I suppose 2 questions. Based on your friendship, which you apparently value:
(1) Does he always speak the truth without filter?
(2) Does he enjoy hurting your feelings?

If Yes to (1) and No to (2), I'd tell him how you feel and see what he says.

If some other combination of answers, not such a great friendship.

He doesn’t sound like much of a friend op if he’s capable of being so rude and hurtful. I wouldn’t want to speak to him ever again, never mind sleep with him.

The lines are very blurred to me on this, if you were my actual friend irl, I would say stop having sex with this abusive friend, most actual relationships are friends but with a commitment. I get that he's done stuff and been a support, but the pay off is that he gets sex, so is he friend? or something else? , feels a bit transactional to me, I don't care what anyone else says about sex being equal, blah blah, it isn't, men can and will pay for sex, and those that say women do too , yes I know they do but they are very much in the minority. Sex is a commodity for a lot of men, and you are confusing his so called friendship with being the provider of the commodity. I think he thinks he can say what he likes to you because you aren't given the respect that he would give to someone he was in an actual relationship with. Go ahead and have a fwb type friendship but see it for what it is, I too had a similar type setup when I was about 18, another actual good friend gave me a talking to akin to what I've just said and the scales fell, and I now see many years later that I was being taken advantage of,groomed actually, as he was older and in a position of authority, even though I was 18 and obviously old enough to consent he was crossing a line and I could have made big trouble for him, wish I had now, creepy bastard is still a lecturer,although nearing retirement, and he probably did this many times to other girls.
To add, he was a disrespectful twat, who made personal comments about my appearance, and because I thought he was my friend I let him, he eroded my self esteem, to the extent I thought I had a big nose for years afterwards, and when I look at photos of the ugly bastard now 40 years later I can't believe I had sex with him.
Tell him you will still be his friend but without the sex, and the snarky comments about your weight, if he sticks around fair play, but I would lay big odds on the fact that he'll fuck off without a trace.

No strings sex with a ‘friend’ is never a good idea…don’t put yourself in such a position and blur the lines of friendship.

He may well be blunt, or forthright as rude people often like to think of themselves …
Dead right, Persephone! They wrongly pride themselves on it.

He’s had a history of saying very hurtful things.
That’s a red flag, OP. Not someone I would want in my life.

Good for you, but it doesn’t seem like it’s worked out to be good actually! Good luck 👍🏻

“He’s had a history of saying very hurtful things. He is known for being blunt.”

People’s mileage varies with stuff like this, but this sort of person is not really for me. You can “be blunt” in a positive way as a friend. It seems he is often blunt in a negative arsehole type way. I couldn’t be bothered with that.

While saying that you’ve never been lovers/BF I wonder if the value this man holds for you stems more from the fact that he finds you attractive enough to sleep with - rather than him being a decent person/friend. Anyway
I’d probably not bother with the emotional drama of “ending the friendship” but I’d drop him down to an “old acquaintance” with just a couple of messages/emails once a year.

I can’t be arsed with these “tell it how it is” people. I wonder if he says hurtful/offensive things to his close male friends.

I don’t think this “friends with benefits” thing works at all.

I would reply that his comment made you realise it wasn’t working and you should just be friends-friends in future.

Then let the friendship taper off if that’s what happens, or if you get past it and are actual friends then that’s ok too.

Edit - but I’d be going for the letting it taper off/ fade option

Maybe he was actually likes curves, and his ‘that was big!’ comment was more ‘Wow I loved it!’, but he was very clumsy in how he said it?

I disagree with most, if youre good enough friends and he knows this he is just being honest. You said yourself its got bigger and youre unhappy about it. He basically said the same thing. My friend told me I had a huge backside. He wasn't wrong and I wasn't offended. If youre not happy try and make changes to sort it so you are happy. Friends who are that familiar and that comfortable are just completely honest without thought. I doubt it even crossed his mind you'd be upset as you've said it yourself to him

Gross. Stop letting this boy use you like a piece of meat.

They why are you sleeping with him?

I detest people who label themselves "blunt" or proudly proclaim that they "tell it like it is and don't sugar coat it". It's just them justifying that they enjoy being a cunt to people now and again with no expected backlash. Funnily enough, these people are usually the most offended and emotional when they get it back from someone else.
There is a huge difference between being genuinely straightforward and purposefully spiteful.

Do you think he'll continue being your friend if you stick to a no sex rule OP? Would he still be around in a year?
I don't think he set out to deliberately hurt you TBF. He's probably just a thoughtless idiot.

You should have replied sweetly, “that’s funny because when I reached down and grabbed you the first time, I thought “sh*t that’s small.” I guess the difference is I’m not so rude and unkind as you, so I didn’t mention it.”

Friends With Benefits. Never heard of it??

@pinkpeta sorry but I did not think that people should be having sex with "friends"!!!!