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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He said this right after sex.

293 replies

pinkpeta · 22/09/2025 05:18

I have a male friend. We are quite close. We’ve been having sex on and off for a decade now. In that time I have put on weight. 20kgs to be precise. He knows I’m unhappy with my weight. In this time he’s lost weight and is probably in the best shape of his life. I am trying my hardest to lose the weight.

Last time we had sex, we talked about it a few days later and he said something to the effect of “there was a point where I held on to your stomach and I thought “oh s* that big”. He wasn’t joking.

I hang up almost immediately. I haven’t spoken to him since. He called me about 20 times that day.
how would you have reacted to that? I feel very hurt and I think what makes it worse is that I can’t speak to anyone I know about it because it’s so embarrassing. Strangely it’s made me feel very isolated and upset.

This doesn’t mean I won’t ever speak to him again but I’m just processing my feelings and want to know what others think.

OP posts:
AltitudeCheck · 22/09/2025 06:46

Men can objectify women and talk about them in awfully detached ways when it comes to sex. You occupy an unusual position in his life, mate he can banter and say unfiltered thoughts to and woman he's objectifying and having casual sex with and it seem that for a moment there he forgot who he was talking to.

Even good friends fuck up occasionally. If you feel he's a good friend and confident he's not just there for the sex then I'd explain that you found what he said really hurtful and see if apologies follow. I'd find it very hard to see him as a 'safe person to sleep with now and for me that side of the relationship would be over, how could you ever go back to physical intimacy knowing he was judging your body and weighing you up so to speak?

Original poster
pinkpeta · 22/09/2025 06:47

Tastaturen · 22/09/2025 06:45

Well done on the weight loss - do what you feel is right though, not because someone shames you.

Show quote history

Thank you. Yes I will definitely always do it only for me. My lightest was 53kgs before I met him. I want to just feel more confident and also healthier.

OP posts:
CafeDuck · 22/09/2025 06:47

What did he say? Oh shit that’s big? What a horrible man.

Nestingbirds · 22/09/2025 06:48

pinkpeta · 22/09/2025 06:38

I actually saw him today because I gave a mutual friend a lift to him as they were going out for someone’s bday. I parked quite close cos she couldn’t walk in her heels. His windows are tinted and I avoided looking. But no we don’t see each other in person a lot. We don’t live that close and I have kids that keep me busy. Maybe once every other month. But we talk for an average of 2 - 3 hours a day normally. Been strange not talking.

Show quote history

So you are in a relationship with him, in all but name. No one talks to a friend 2/3 hours a day op!

You sound lonely and isolated, and he is taking full advantage of you but is unwilling to commit to you properly.

He is not your therapist or surrogate partner. You deserve to have both of these things in your life, and not a horrible man that uses you.

I hope you can see that a friend would never say such a thing to someone they cared about.

Saponarium · 22/09/2025 06:49

CafeDuck · 22/09/2025 06:47

What did he say? Oh shit that’s big? What a horrible man.

I was wondering that too. The OP wasn't clear or there was a typo in the post.

Original poster
pinkpeta · 22/09/2025 06:50

AltitudeCheck · 22/09/2025 06:46

Men can objectify women and talk about them in awfully detached ways when it comes to sex. You occupy an unusual position in his life, mate he can banter and say unfiltered thoughts to and woman he's objectifying and having casual sex with and it seem that for a moment there he forgot who he was talking to.

Even good friends fuck up occasionally. If you feel he's a good friend and confident he's not just there for the sex then I'd explain that you found what he said really hurtful and see if apologies follow. I'd find it very hard to see him as a 'safe person to sleep with now and for me that side of the relationship would be over, how could you ever go back to physical intimacy knowing he was judging your body and weighing you up so to speak?

Yes this is the conclusion I’ve come to - I will never go there with him again if we do continue our friendship.

OP posts:
dilemma2516 · 22/09/2025 06:50

Walkden · 22/09/2025 05:47

So to be clear you've been having sex with the "friend" on and off for years but he has not met your boyfriend.

Presumably you are also having sex with your boyfriend? Is your boyfriend aware of this fwb?

What a weird thing to say

Original poster
pinkpeta · 22/09/2025 06:52

Nestingbirds · 22/09/2025 06:48

So you are in a relationship with him, in all but name. No one talks to a friend 2/3 hours a day op!

You sound lonely and isolated, and he is taking full advantage of you but is unwilling to commit to you properly.

He is not your therapist or surrogate partner. You deserve to have both of these things in your life, and not a horrible man that uses you.

I hope you can see that a friend would never say such a thing to someone they cared about.

Edited
Show quote history

Lol why am I lonely and isolated? Definitely not lonely or isolated. I have friends aside from him. The only reason he is the only one I’ve told about my current issues is because it’s very personal and something he has personally experienced. Not something others have. In general though I have a full life. I work, I see friends and family. Just a rough patch I’m going through.

OP posts:
Nestingbirds · 22/09/2025 06:55

I think op wants to keep him in her life, and seems to be ignoring the posts that suggest she is being used/he is an arse hole/protect your life. He is just using you in between other girls op, and maybe listening to you and your woes makes him feel better about his shit life. He certainly couldn’t care less about you. Otherwise he would had apologised some time ago.

Until you address the root issues of your low self worth you will continue to allow horrible men and people in general to use and abuse you.

BusyMum47 · 22/09/2025 06:57

UniqueGoldNewt · 22/09/2025 05:22

Stop having sex with this little boy immediately. End the friendship block and move on. The dynamics have changed and it’s all on him. You need to start treasuring your body like the temple it is and wait to give it to someone who actually deserves you or at the very least shows you respect. This is nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Get him gone please 🙏

This. Just this. ⬆️

stayathomer · 22/09/2025 06:57

DeepRubySwan

Everyone on forums is very keen on the 'cut off and block' method. You've been friends with this man for a decade and he fucked up and put his foot in his mouth; he knows and tried to reach out to fix it. You have every right to be upset and you probably don't want to have sex with him again now and that's on him. But I would still meet and talk about it if he wants to. Friends are hard to find and people fuck up. That's called being human.

I usually say things like this, give them a chance etc etc, here I honestly don’t know- you’re supposed to be friends. The fact that he’s texting saying ‘is your phone broken’ as opposed to ‘if you’re annoyed with me’- I mean is any man that deluded? Can any man be that deluded? (Honestly, could he?!)

And foot in the mouth doesn’t cut it here, he didn’t say ‘I’ve lost weight did you ever think about it’ (which would be irritating as hell anyway!) — he made the type of joke an asshole makes about a stranger

Original poster
pinkpeta · 22/09/2025 07:00

Nestingbirds · 22/09/2025 06:55

I think op wants to keep him in her life, and seems to be ignoring the posts that suggest she is being used/he is an arse hole/protect your life. He is just using you in between other girls op, and maybe listening to you and your woes makes him feel better about his shit life. He certainly couldn’t care less about you. Otherwise he would had apologised some time ago.

Until you address the root issues of your low self worth you will continue to allow horrible men and people in general to use and abuse you.

Edited

I have actually responded to those comments too. Some have asked if he would still be my friend if we didn’t have sex etc. I’ve responded to those too. Put your claws away love.

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 22/09/2025 07:04

You know him better than we do OP, do you think it was in bad faith or not?

I do think you should have sex with someone who likes you and the body you’re in even if you are not in a relationship

I don’t think you need to stop being friends but no more sex. And tell him about his behaviour

Pineconesandpetals · 22/09/2025 07:06

Slightly different perspective. My DH gained weight, all around his middle. I told him that it was getting in the way during sex, because it was! He said “shit I didn’t realise” and lost the weight. He wasn’t offended.
Talk to him, give him a chance to apologise and if it’s put you off sex with him, don’t do it.

PinkyFlamingo · 22/09/2025 07:09

Walkden · 22/09/2025 05:47

So to be clear you've been having sex with the "friend" on and off for years but he has not met your boyfriend.

Presumably you are also having sex with your boyfriend? Is your boyfriend aware of this fwb?

I'm not being rude but please read the IPs posts again and come back and say why you've made this up?

Hyperfix8d · 22/09/2025 07:09

This is the risk with casual relationships it’s blurs the lines between what is appropriate and what isn’t. I have a couple of guys I’ve slept with casually in the past who I still talk to and the dynamic is definitely different to a regular friend. It seems to open the boundaries that would otherwise be there in any other kind of relationship - I am not saying this is acceptable, it isn’t, but I also don’t think it’s “dead to me” behaviour - they just need to be pulled up on it.

Original poster
pinkpeta · 22/09/2025 07:09

beAsensible1 · 22/09/2025 07:04

You know him better than we do OP, do you think it was in bad faith or not?

I do think you should have sex with someone who likes you and the body you’re in even if you are not in a relationship

I don’t think you need to stop being friends but no more sex. And tell him about his behaviour

Edited

Tbh I don’t know how I think he meant it because he knows how insecure I am about this sort of stuff. Which I guess means he knew the effect it would have and didn’t care. Definitely no sex again

OP posts:
PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 22/09/2025 07:11

pinkpeta · 22/09/2025 05:29

@UniqueGoldNewtwe are just friends. He’s never been my boyfriend.

Good! (That he’s never been your boyfriend…)

but is he even a friend? Friends don’t say that about their friends!

It sounds like you may have been a friend to him. But he doesn’t seem to be you friend. Ditch him and certainly don’t have sex with him again. You deserve better!

Letstheriveranswer · 22/09/2025 07:18

Do you think that given your friendship and that you have acknowledged your weight gain with him that he felt comfortable to be honest? Maybe you and him have even joked about it together so he thought you'd joke along with him? I am just trying to understand if he was lulled into a sense of security if being able to say wgatboopped into his head on the topic.

It was a thoughtless comment but I think men experience things differently and wouldn't understand how hurtful that is.

I think you should speak to him and resume the friendship, but obviously it would be hard to sleep with him again as now that will stick in your head. People are quick to suggest cutting people off but this is a 10 year friendship.

Jade3450 · 22/09/2025 07:21

I can see why he might have thought this, but he should never have said it to your face.

I would use this as the impetus to get in the best shape of your life - it is so good for your confidence.

Then stay friends with him but never have sex with him again.

TranceNation · 22/09/2025 07:27

I'd personally take him out off mute and give him the hair dryer treatment. See what he has to say. You can then make a decision what to do with him thereafter and if needs be get proper closure. He's just going to keep pestering you with texts else.

saraclara · 22/09/2025 07:28

Giving him the silent treatment isn't helpful.

If as you say, he's been a good friend and a huge support to you, you should at least reply to his texts and explain that you were hurt. Silence is controlling behaviour which is not going to help.

notacooldad · 22/09/2025 07:30

I think there's a huge difference between saying something maliciously and playing on your insecurities and thinking you are so comfortable with each other that you can joke around or even be a bit thoughtless about things you've previously talked about.
Which ever one it was will influence your decision on how to move forward with this.
If it was just thoughtless or thought that you've already talked about it and he didnt think you would be offended then an honest chat is needed.
If it was to hurt you, fuck him and get rid, he is no friend

Original poster
pinkpeta · 22/09/2025 07:31

saraclara · 22/09/2025 07:28

Giving him the silent treatment isn't helpful.

If as you say, he's been a good friend and a huge support to you, you should at least reply to his texts and explain that you were hurt. Silence is controlling behaviour which is not going to help.

If he would hand messaged me something more serious I would have eventually replied. If he calls again I will respond but when this happened on Friday I was too upset to talk.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkpeta · 22/09/2025 07:34

saraclara · 22/09/2025 07:28

Giving him the silent treatment isn't helpful.

If as you say, he's been a good friend and a huge support to you, you should at least reply to his texts and explain that you were hurt. Silence is controlling behaviour which is not going to help.

I think that’s what’s more hurtful, the fact that I’m genuinely struggling to see how this wasn’t said from a place of malice based on a conversation we had the day before. Too long to go into here but it feels intentional to me.

OP posts: