Being shouted at over the washing

[Pinktize]

Last year, DH and I nearly split up. One of the things that came up was lack of help round the house (we both work full time). He said "fine, I'll do all the kids washing". And now that's his thing - he does the kids washing.

But he is now getting v angry about me putting kids clothes in the washing machine. So our youngest is having lots of accidents at the moment, and it means PJs smell of wee being left in the washing basket for days. This morning - I was doing some of my washing and shoved in some smelly PJs that were sat by the machine. He came down and said "oh you put a wash on. just your clothes right?" - i replied "oh, i put in some smelly DS clothes" and he goes mad. this has happened before. shouting at me "you're gaslighting me. i tell you jsut to do your own washing and you just don't do it. you constantly go against the system and put in the kids washing" i mean he shouted at me straight for 10 mins. i said nothign. then he said "oh you're just not going to respond. you're so immature" etc.

I am being unreasonable? I mean it's great that he wants to manage it but surely it's a bit insane to be shouted at for doing some washing. He said "you promised you wouldn't do this again. you're making me feel like i'm being ridiculous but you're messing with the system and doing whatever the fuck you want and then making me feel unreasonable for beign angry. just do yoru own fucking washing". I mean...i have promised to let him get on with it, but surely pissy smelly PJs sat stinking the place out. It seems so crazily OTT to me to be so angry

You both need to grow up! If you are putting your washing on then put everyone’s else’s on too. This is ridiculous. He should be helping too but not being so precise about it!

He isn’t remotely highly sensitive. He’s a fucking humongous arsehole!

You can’t carry on living like this. You must make urgent plans to separate for your own sake and the kids too.

(All the posters telling you you’re wrong are most probably male, so feel free to ignore them.)

I have never understood all living in the same house and each doing their own washing.
But that is besides the point, he chose this job he needs to do it properly he can’t be laving wet pjs hanging about. He wants you to say fine! I’ll do it.
Berating you for ten mins is absolutely not on.

Reading between the lines of your post, I'd say there's a communication problem between you both, washing aside. I'm older than you and couples who don't learn to navigate conflict without shouting and berating the other partner, generally split up. I'd either go for marriage counselling if you think there is an issue there, or accept you are in for this and it will likely only get worse. Sorry OP.

I can’t get my head around why you both wouldn't just put whatever/whoever’s washing on as you go along. Surely you’re all part of the same team. It’s crackers to split it like this.
That level of shouting is awful. Sounds like lots of point scoring going on. Is there ever any fun/silliness in your lives?

Sorry you’re having such a tough time.x

Sometimes getting out of the habit of point scoring and being thankful/showing gratitude to each other for the smallest of things is a good starting point.

When I went back to work my DH said he would take on the laundry, as I do all the cooking (would prefer it the other way round, as I hate cooking, but he's not comfortable with cooking,

Perhaps you should take turns until he gets "comfortable"?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable and you should have to do this, but could you rinse them out? That way he could still wash them but they won’t stink the kitchen out in the meantime.

He’s a dickhead though. He’s probably looking for any excuse to get out of doing the washing and he’s hoping to upset you enough that you’ll just say you’ll do it. X

I couldn't live like this. Madness

I couldn't be doing with task allocation. Both adults in the house should be able to see what needs done and just do it.

It is so bloody obvious if the vacuum needs run around, dishes need done, laundry is piling up or needs put away, dusting, or if its your turn to cook dinner. It is not a lot to expect your partner to think ah, pinktize is out at Tesco with ds getting some groceries in for all our benefit, I'll look and see what needs done while she is out..........

And no one would be shouting at me for 10 bloody mins!

You need to work out how to communicate with each other respectfully, even if that needs outside professional support, otherwise what is the point.

Totally.
He is behaving like a 6 yo child op.

it’s time to start making plans to leave him.

Yes of course he is the issue.

But sometimes going silent enrages people more.

The laundry might just be the tip of the iceberg. Send up a mental flat to yourself right now that this incident has made you feel this way. If the 2 of you then quickly went on to have an open and humourous conversation about it all, then you might have a chance. But if not, then I'm sorry but the resentment and poor/misinterpreted communications are likely to increase and worsen. I speak from experience unfortunately.

Also, you don't actually need a logical reason to end this relationship. You being unhappy with no sign of anything changing is enough. An unhappy mummy is rarely going to be good for the kids. And if you tolerate this kind of unhappiness, your kids will learn to tolerate it too in the future...

You were on the verge of splitting up over housework, he agreed to take on not even the whole of but maybe two thirds of one very simple chore, which he doesn't even do competently, you're presumably still doing all the rest, and he's angry, abusive and sulky.

I can't see any reason you should stay with him. Your kids will be happier if they don't have to live in a home where angry dad shouts for 10 solid minutes about something so trivial.

We have already done counselling. Earlier this year. He did counselling becsuse he doesnt want to split up. He is desperate not to split up but he also doesnt seem to like me v much. I have talked to him about splitting it up but he begs me. He says im horrible for even suggesting it. I am acutely aware that its not ok for the kids to observe shouting or feel friction. But if you see how upset he gets - and it was upset - v v emotional- about laundry, imagine what he would be like over divorce. I've seen a glimmer of it earlier this year and it wss not pretty.

@Pinktize
So he wants to be able to be a twat rather than you have a nice peaceful life?

Why cant he do all laundry and agree that items that have wee on them need to be washed the same day.

Ppl like this get mad at what ever you do... if you speak, if you dont speak, they gonna have something vile to say.

To keep you in an unhappy relationship against your will is coercive control. You could try firmly telling him over a number of weeks (e.g on a Saturday, verbally and via message) that you are notifying him that you plan to separate. Tell him you will give him eg 4 weeks to get used to this idea, and after that you will anticipate that you will be sitting down the to make plans for the separation. If he responds with anger or violence, or other emotional forms of abuse, you tell him you will go to Women's Aid. If he just stalemates you in the family home, you notify him you will be going through the legal route via solicitors, if he won't discussed and plan amicably. When the time is right, I reckon these are sensible routes.

Actually, you don't tell him you're you to Women's Aid...you just quietly go.

...But if you see how upset he gets - and it was upset - v v emotional- about laundry, imagine what he would be like over divorce. I've seen a glimmer of it earlier this year and it wss not pretty...

OP that makes it more difficult for you, but it shouldn't stop you from doing what you know is right to do. You have to amend your plans accordingly, like plan secretly, find somewhere to live and make your escape with a note telling him why you have left, pinned to the dirty washing basket.

Why do you feel guilty for leaving?

it's worrying to leave when you know you'll have to leave the kids alone with them, so I get that, but if ANY of the guilt is re him - you're being daft.

He's fucking ridiculous & you don't need this shit in your life! Nor do your kids. I'd personally be getting the kids as close to 100% of the time as possible.

you need to save your MH & sanity & get the fuck away from this utter twat. Whatever you fell in love with us NIT what you have now ir will ever have going forward. Save yourself!

Yes, I don't imagine it will be 'pretty' but just think, get through that & it's DONE!!

staying is dying by a thousand cuts.

He says he doesn't want to split but doesn't seem to be doing anything to try to stop it.

Actually no, he's reacting badly to try to force (scare?) you into staying.