Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being shouted at over the washing

264 replies

Pinktize · 20/09/2025 11:43

Last year, DH and I nearly split up. One of the things that came up was lack of help round the house (we both work full time). He said "fine, I'll do all the kids washing". And now that's his thing - he does the kids washing.

But he is now getting v angry about me putting kids clothes in the washing machine. So our youngest is having lots of accidents at the moment, and it means PJs smell of wee being left in the washing basket for days. This morning - I was doing some of my washing and shoved in some smelly PJs that were sat by the machine. He came down and said "oh you put a wash on. just your clothes right?" - i replied "oh, i put in some smelly DS clothes" and he goes mad. this has happened before. shouting at me "you're gaslighting me. i tell you jsut to do your own washing and you just don't do it. you constantly go against the system and put in the kids washing" i mean he shouted at me straight for 10 mins. i said nothign. then he said "oh you're just not going to respond. you're so immature" etc.

I am being unreasonable? I mean it's great that he wants to manage it but surely it's a bit insane to be shouted at for doing some washing. He said "you promised you wouldn't do this again. you're making me feel like i'm being ridiculous but you're messing with the system and doing whatever the fuck you want and then making me feel unreasonable for beign angry. just do yoru own fucking washing". I mean...i have promised to let him get on with it, but surely pissy smelly PJs sat stinking the place out. It seems so crazily OTT to me to be so angry

OP posts:
Escapingafter50years · 20/09/2025 14:33

He is abusing you.
Your kids are seeing this.
I wonder if all the accidents your youngest is having partly relates to the poor child's home environment?
Please leave this terrible man before its ingrained in your children that this is how men should behave & that women should accept it.
Stop the cycle of abuse now.

Greenfingers37 · 20/09/2025 14:38

Do your kids (and yourself) a favour and start making plans to leave him. He is an abusive arsehole and things will not improve.

Duckyfondant · 20/09/2025 14:40

I think you sound like the controlling one and it's driving him a bit mad. By all means tell him when it smells like piss, but he clearly doesn't wash the washing mixed up together. I also hate separating it all out which may be why I'm more inclined to his view.

ForTipsyFinch · 20/09/2025 14:41

How could you think this is unreasonable? He sounds like an insufferable tool.

wrongthinker · 20/09/2025 14:42

Run, OP. Get out, get out, get out.

He's abusive and horrible. Your children are in the middle of this and it's not fair on them.

Why are you staying? Can you afford to leave? If so, you must do so asap.

Starlingsintheloft · 20/09/2025 14:46

Op, currently 93% of us are agreeing with you that you are NOT being unreasonable. I hope you can draw some strength from this thread and use it to bolster your confidence back up and end this horrible relationship. Don’t let the shame or guilt he is causing hold you down, you have nothing to be ashamed or feel guilty about.

jannier · 20/09/2025 14:47

Shouting is never on....I bet more happens.
Who decided him doing washing once a week was enough of a share
....not help your partners? What else does he do....cook, shop, hoover etc,?

Comtesse · 20/09/2025 14:50

Duckyfondant · 20/09/2025 14:40

I think you sound like the controlling one and it's driving him a bit mad. By all means tell him when it smells like piss, but he clearly doesn't wash the washing mixed up together. I also hate separating it all out which may be why I'm more inclined to his view.

What are you in about? Why is it “controlling” to wash some dirty smelly pyjamas? Leaving them would be kind of gross. Asking him to wash them would likely provoke another tirade. OP is stuffed either way. He’s being a complete knob about this, huge overreaction on his part.

HoHoHo99 · 20/09/2025 14:52

OP, I am speechless wth your husband's behaviour.

I think you know what you need to do.

diddl · 20/09/2025 14:53

So if YOU then do the kids laundry it's implying he is not doing it properly,

He's not doing it properly though is he?

Surely it's not usual to just stick wee soaked clothes in the laundry basket or next to the machine for days?

THisbackwithavengeance · 20/09/2025 14:56

Doing just the kids’ washing is - frankly - stupid. Surely he doesn’t do a separate wash for say 3 tiny pairs of pissy pants whilst there’s a big basket of your clothes, towels and bedding etc that’s not done? What a waste of water and electricity.

The person who washes can do all the washing. 🤷‍♀️

usedtobeaylis · 20/09/2025 14:56

Imagine if someone posted on here

My kid is having accidents, is it ok to just leave the clothes/sheets in the basket for a few days before washing them?

Unless it's a man. Then there's always someone to defend them.

Elephantangel1991 · 20/09/2025 15:01

What would happen if you left the pyjamas?

Not saying you should, he is being petty and illogical and agree with you fully.

But is he doing bedtimes etc? Would he be the one getting the kids ready for bed and suddenly realising there are no clean pyjamas? Because if he isn't involved he should be, it might make him more on top of things. I somehow doubt he'll change though.

Donttellempike · 20/09/2025 15:04

Duckyfondant · 20/09/2025 14:40

I think you sound like the controlling one and it's driving him a bit mad. By all means tell him when it smells like piss, but he clearly doesn't wash the washing mixed up together. I also hate separating it all out which may be why I'm more inclined to his view.

Poor little man not being worshipped. Of course he’s going mad

JFC 🙄

themerchentofvenus · 20/09/2025 15:04

Donttellempike · 20/09/2025 14:27

Did you miss the bit where he ranted at her for 10 minutes? He’s ( yet another) abusive arsehole

Show quote history

Yes, hence I referenced it.

Donttellempike · 20/09/2025 15:04

themerchentofvenus · 20/09/2025 15:04

Yes, hence I referenced it.

Show quote history

Sarcasm emoji

Starfish1021 · 20/09/2025 15:05

God he sounds so vile. I can't imagine living with a man this short tempered. As others have said, shouting for 10 minutes is abusive, and far, far too many of these posters have ridiculously low standards. It sounds like he brings so little to your life, you have already considered leaving, so time to revisit that. I do feel for you, navigating a break-up with this man will be horrible. But showing your children abuse is never okay has to be a good thing.

Noshadelamp · 20/09/2025 15:06

Yanbu. Sound like he's reacting to a perceived chastisement.
You putting the pissy clothes in the wash in his head means he's been too slow/slack and you're judging him, which makes him feel ashamed.

And it sounds like he's got anger issues, going from zero to sixty in a second without allowing any rational thinking or you to speak your side.

He needs help regulating himself, he needs to create time between feeling ashamed to angry to completely losing it for ten minutes.

themerchentofvenus · 20/09/2025 15:11

usedtobeaylis · 20/09/2025 14:33

He's not really doing it though is he if he's leaving urine soaked fabrics in the basket for days at a time. That's not reasonable by any standards. Not even in petty, his job standards. He's picked a self-righteous pattern of behaviour as if he's got the world on his shoulders when in actual fact this is his ONE job and he's not doing it.

Show quote history

But that's not the OP's issue. He has a job and needs to not be undermined. He needs to make mistakes and learn from it. He does not need mothering.

My DH was crap at the school drop off when he started doing them. They were often late for breakfast club and mornings were chaotic. But it wasn't my place to tell him how to do it - he needed to figure it out for himself. Thankfully he is now much better. He does this as he can't do the pick up, and I was fed up doing all the drop offs and pick ups around my job.

When the OPs DH has mastered the laundry, he can perhaps progress to cleaning a bathroom... 😂

sweetgingercat · 20/09/2025 15:14

I guess he is only insisting on this senseless division of the washing so that it limits his involvement in the rest of the housework. Surely housework is about seeing what needs to be done and doing it in the quickest, most practical way. He's not taking any more responsibility for housework, he's leaving all the responsibility to you and making a massive deal about only doing this tiny bit of it.

Can you imagine if you behaved like this and said: "Well, the only thing I'm going to do is load the dishwasher," and then started shouting if he put some bowls into the dishwasher? Insane isn't it?

His original offer in itself is passive aggressive and you've kind of let him get away with this nonsense (I can see why, at least he's taking on something) but it's not at all practical, or helpful and now he's turned it into an aggressive thing.

If it was me I'd be having a big think about whether I wanted to stay with someone who is prepared to be so aggressive in front of the children over something so inconsequential. And if I did decide to stay, then I'd be asking him to 1) go to anger management and 2) have a big discussion about responsibility and roles around the house.

Finally, I think it's perfectly acceptable to ignore someone when they've lost control and are shouting at you. Just tell them you will not talk to them when they are being so verbally abusive and but will discuss it when they've calmed down and leave the room.

Toesy · 20/09/2025 15:15

Abusive husband and Abusive father.
Your poor children.
What a childhood.
Start planning your exit.
Your children deserve better than this.

ChristmasFluff · 20/09/2025 15:16

So OP is supposed to wait until the children are having to re-wear their pissy pyjamas? Just because an abusive fuckwit is weaponising incompetence to abuse her more? Fuck that.

He's abusive - imagine the freedom of not being with him, OP. Then make it a reality.

Nevereatcardboard · 20/09/2025 15:16

This is emotional abuse towards you and your children (because they are hearing you being abused). You need to make plans to leave this scumbag.

BasicBrumble · 20/09/2025 15:20

Weaponised incompetence so when he eventually strops off and stops doing it, it's your fault for getting in the way, not his for doing it badly.

buffyajp · 20/09/2025 15:23

JLou08 · 20/09/2025 11:55

There's no excuse for shouting but if him doing the kids washing saved your relationship after nearly splitting it will be triggering for him to see you take over.

What the actual fuck? Please don’t miss use the word triggering. There is no justification for the way he reacted whatsoever and no, ignoring him is not immature if it’s the Ops way of protecting herself from verbal abuse. I honestly can’t believe some of the crap replies here defending an abusive arsehole. Op you deserve much better than this and don’t let anyone tell you you were in the wrong for washing soiled clothes.