Being shouted at over the washing

[Pinktize]

Last year, DH and I nearly split up. One of the things that came up was lack of help round the house (we both work full time). He said "fine, I'll do all the kids washing". And now that's his thing - he does the kids washing.

But he is now getting v angry about me putting kids clothes in the washing machine. So our youngest is having lots of accidents at the moment, and it means PJs smell of wee being left in the washing basket for days. This morning - I was doing some of my washing and shoved in some smelly PJs that were sat by the machine. He came down and said "oh you put a wash on. just your clothes right?" - i replied "oh, i put in some smelly DS clothes" and he goes mad. this has happened before. shouting at me "you're gaslighting me. i tell you jsut to do your own washing and you just don't do it. you constantly go against the system and put in the kids washing" i mean he shouted at me straight for 10 mins. i said nothign. then he said "oh you're just not going to respond. you're so immature" etc.

I am being unreasonable? I mean it's great that he wants to manage it but surely it's a bit insane to be shouted at for doing some washing. He said "you promised you wouldn't do this again. you're making me feel like i'm being ridiculous but you're messing with the system and doing whatever the fuck you want and then making me feel unreasonable for beign angry. just do yoru own fucking washing". I mean...i have promised to let him get on with it, but surely pissy smelly PJs sat stinking the place out. It seems so crazily OTT to me to be so angry

Did he scream at you for 10 minutes at at time? Because that’s the issue here. Everything else is just noise

Absolutely.

You need to sit him down calmly and explain to him that no matter what, shouting at you isn’t on.

explain to him that you’re not interfering with his ‘chore’ but that a smelly set of pjs can’t sit about, perhaps suggest to him a compromise of sticking them in a bucket of water with some detergent in the meantime until he manages to get a full kids wash on? Would that be of help? Tell him you don’t want the house smelling of piss and that’s all you’re trying to avoid.

stay calm, regroup and go again.

And that was be the last time he ever spoke to me that like that. I would prepare to separate. What a nasty man.

You nearly split last year. He’s making a big deal about something insignificant and shouting at you and you have at least one very young child.
Why don’t you leave him? I’d hazard a guess that you’d be so much happier.

The trouble is.. he's arguing that the kids washing is HIS job.. but he's not actually doing it. Doing the kids washing involves doing it immediately when there are pissy pjs so they don't fester in the laundry basket.

He's wrong on so many levels. Its like he's decided. OK I'll play the game. Ill do all the kids washing once a week and then she cannot complain im not pulling my weight.... he sees you doing an emergency wash as undermining him.
But he's actually not pulling his weight at all.

His shouting and berating you and gettting increasingly angry for over 10 minutes is unacceptable.. and I would have walked off, rather than let him rant.
He is completely unreasonable in the most tit for tat manner. It really sounds like he doesn't think he has to do anything and is defending the "Washing" concession for all its worth in case he gets asked to do anything else.

Who wants to spend time with a very angry man who bitches about doing the washing, which is essentially sticking it in a machine, but cannot have his "system" interrupted by real life children who have real life accidents.

He sounds awful OP>

What the fuck is the point of living like this?

No relationship is friction-free but this is just misery.

He did nothing round the house, decided unilaterally that the kids’ laundry is ‘his’ job (and nothing else? This is ALL he contributes??) without any thought of the way this impacts the rest of the laundry and housework.

Then throws a strop he engineers so he can do nothing and game like he wants anyway.

I could not have this for longer than a minute.

And no one gets to shout at me at all ever let alone for 10 minutes. Fuck. That.

You need to leave him @Pinktize - he’s utterly awful and you know it.

but that a smelly set of pjs can’t sit about, perhaps suggest to him a compromise of sticking them in a bucket of water with some detergent in the meantime until he manages to get a full kids wash on?

Honestly if you have to explain that to an adult-what is the point?

He's setting it up so that he can quit even doing the laundry and blame you for it. He knows its not reasonable.
This is deliberate.

And as for your comment asking about reactions to muscling in on someone else’s ‘job’ @Pinktize

No - his reaction is fucking ridiculous.

DH usually does the bins. If I do them for x/y/z reason he says ‘oh thanks for doing that’ and there is no further comment. Because DH isn’t a nasty bastard.

He agreed to do a job effectively and he is not doing it, the kids clothes should obviously be washed more often if they are smelling, the OP putting a few items of clothing into the washing machine with her own is not a big issue……he just resents that he has to do the work and took this opportunity to lash out at her……I would let him know that it is verbal abuse to shout at someone for 10 minutes

I wouldn't put up with being shouted at for something so ridiculous and you shouldn't either. It's fine to disagree and discuss the division of labour within the household - It's not fine to shout at your spouse for such a minor thing. I don't think you actually did anything wrong, I just think he's being a pathetic nitpicking prick. I bet this is the tip of the iceberg. Think carefully about if you want to continue in a relationship where someone treats you this way.

What do you want her to say, shes being shouted at for 10 mins over nonsense. Like seriously the issue is the man here not op going silent.

Taking your post at face value. A reasonable person doesnt act like this. Either he's on drugs or hes a vile bully. Or both!

My DH isn’t naturally a domestic god and we run our house in a similar way to you guys with assigned tasks (based on the fair play book) so I get your process but your DH’s response is nuts to me. We lean in for each other where needed and communicate what needs to happen eg. I do laundry but if something was super dirty and I couldn’t get to it, I’d ask him to pop a wash on and he would. Shouting at length about you leaning in is completely unacceptable.

To me it doesn’t seem like he wants to be a team like a marriage should be, he just wants to do the bare minimum so you haven’t got enough reason to complain. Washing is an easy chore anyway, especially if you don’t do everyone’s so he should be picking up more and working with you to keep everything on track.

This is ridiculous. When I went back to work my DH said he would take on the laundry, as I do all the cooking (would prefer it the other way round, as I hate cooking, but he's not comfortable with cooking, so I haven't pushed it). No "I am only doing the kids' washing", he does it all. Sometimes he doesn't do it the way I would, but I suck it up. If I see a pile of unfolded laundry or need something washing, and I have the time, I do it and he's grateful. Your situation sounds frankly crazy, and I bet you are still doing the lion's share of everything else.

He wants you to say "fine, I will do it from now on".
Then he is off the hook, and back to not pulling his weight.

I agree.

A family member who is, shall we say "awkward" shouted at me last Christmas over a triviality when they were a guest staying in my house.

He has been told he is no longer welcome. Hell will freeze over before he gets another invite.🙄

What a horrible man he is.
Why are you letting your children grow up in a home like that and why are you letting yourself be spoken to like that?

Did you actually read my post or did you mean to quote someone else?

I made it very clear that the screaming at her for 10 minutes was ridiculous and totally out of proportion and not nice. Obviously that is a MASSIVE issue.

I do find it annoying when my OH washes shared things (we each wash our own clothes, I normally wash the shared stuff like hand towels, bathmat, kitchen towels etc) because we have limited drying space, so I'll have got it all clear ready to wash bed sheets, then all of a sudden he'll decide to wash the towels I'd planned to do the next day, and filled all the drying space so I don't have room to hang out the sheets.

But I don't shout at him for it, and nothing in our house has urine on it so no washing is urgent.

Dear @Pinktize take a deep breath but respectfully your marriage is over. Your husband hold you in contempt and for your mental health and well being and that of your children you need to leave. It is at that stage.

Don’t say anything to him yet as he is abusive and leaving is a dangerous time. On Monday phone around some solicitors many will do telephone consultations if you prefer or take some time of work and go to their offices.

You can do this and make a happier home for your children.

Good luck OP.

Christ on a bike do yourself a favour and dump him. He's bringing nothing but misery to your life. Release him back into the wild where he can control his laundry and shout at the squirrels.

I think you need to revisit your decision to split up and actually go through with it this time?

How does asking someone to help more around the house equate to this insane behaviour?

The bloke sounds like a complete knob end on many levels. Shouting at you for 10 minutes? He wouldn't have even got to three with me.
Shut the door behind you Joe