For refusing DS to stay at his mate’s after missing curfew again??

[Alphane]

Right so this might be long but I don’t want to drip feed. DS (16) has got into a habit of staying out later and later. We have always said 10pm school nights, 11pm weekends, I don’t think that’s unreasonable. Last night he strolled in gone midnight, no text, nothing, and then had the cheek to say he’s staying over at his mate’s tonight.

I’ve said no. He’s sulking, calling me controlling, saying all his mates get to do what they want. DH says I should let it go as “he’s nearly an adult” but he’s still in school, he still lives here and IMO he’s not mature enough to be making those decisions.

Before anyone judges I’m not precious about him having independence. He goes to football, cinema, Nando’s, all that. I just think if he can’t stick to basic rules then why should he get extra privileges. Also worth saying DS (14) and DD (10) see all this and I don’t want them thinking rules don’t matter.

I know some will say pick my battles but I am just fed up of always being the bad guy while DH shrugs. AIBU to stick to my guns and not let him stay out?

That’s only your opinion - mine is that it’s perfectly reasonable.

Hes not “stuck at home”, he’s out socialising but just needs to be home at a reasonable time. It’s not like she’s saying he must be back by 8pm. If you choose to be lax with your children then that’s your prerogative.

What are his friends like? If they'll good lads, I'd let him out later Friday and Saturday.
If they are hanging around. Smoking, drinking, then no, he wouldn't be hanging round.
Doesn't sound like he is a wild teenager attending football etc.
At 16 most lads have free rein within reason.
You'll smother him.
I'd make an agreement that he stays in or in for 9pm Monday to Thursday, he can stay late the weekends.

He is stuck at home as the vast majority of his friends will not have such controlling parents, and he will miss out.

DS1 would often get food with friends and then go to see a film starting at 8.30 or 9. The OP would not allow that, which is totally inappropriate for a 26 year old who needs to be developing independence.

It’s not setting an expectation though. It’s dictating to him.

Ime the DC who really struggle at uni are those who haven’t been able to develop independent living skills as they’ve been controlled by overbearing parents.

They very often go off the rails at the first taste of freedom. This is a very extreme case, as the vast majority of 16 year olds do not have ridiculous curfews at weekends.

He’s not 26. He’s 16 and still at school and the curfew times op has set are fine. You don’t have the divine right to say that they’re not just because your parenting style is more lax. And I can assure you the “vast majority” of 16 year olds are not out past 10pm on a week night.

@BeachLife2 Does not make poor parenting the best option though. My DDs friends parents would not have wanted this either. It’s all about who your friends are and what you expect for dc and from them. . Dc often need to learn they cannot have everything. Being out late in a school night wasn’t on for us and was avoided. Clearly others with low ambition care more about dc FOMO they capitulate. It’s probably all about educational achievement and ambition and being a friend as opposed to a parent.

It’s nothing to do with low ambition. Going out on a weekend is irrelevant to how well DC do in life.

DS1 could come and go as he pleased at that age (especially at weekends). He got top grades, went on to a top uni (living by himself at 17 as is normal in Scotland) and now has a great career.

I am sure the independence he was able to develop from a young age really helped with that journey.

It is not lax to suggest that 16 year olds need to be able to develop independence and life skills before they go to uni.

They will not have the opportunity to do that if they can’t even be out past 11pm at weekends.

What an odd comment. Just because someone allows their DC more freedom than you do doesn’t mean they’re lax or that they don’t care 🙄

FWIW I went to private school and the boarders were some of the worst offenders for breaking the rules, drinking and smoking underage and drugs.

I find it mad that the majority of the responses are saying 11pm at the weekend is too strict. He’s 16! I’d understand if he had a job (unless I’ve missed this) therefore taking away time from friends / GF. But realistically - what is he doing that he needs to be out past 11?

My parent was unbelievably strict with my curfews but you know what, I survived and we still have a good relationship. A 16 year old is still a child.

My approach when my DC were teens was to 'negotiate' I'd ask what time they would like to get home, if it was too late I'd suggest a compromise. It gave them a feeling of control rather than me dictating. I'd also emphasise that he needs to stay in touch and put on his location on his phone so you can check. It's the mature thing to do. He might be 16 but he's still your responsibility. Get DH onboard as well.

I agree with you op. It's an ask first policy in this house. He wouldn't be going on on attitude alone. Also he isn't ' almost an adult'. He's a highschool kid.

Oh but didn't you read a PP?
Cinemas don't show films that might finish and then with travel back home mean a 16 year old is back after 11
It's only adult films on after 8pm 🙄

We're on about a weekend not a weeknight...

It looks like he has asked and OP has ignored...

He's also Year 12 which means he's nearly 17, definitely "almost an adult" and not a "high school kid"

Sixth Formers were always treated as something "more" than schoolkids. At the same age they could be at college as well, rather than "school"

I must admit neither myself nor my dc had curfews ever, everything was agreed mutually and they turned out fine. By 16 they were often out past midnight, dd2 even younger if they were together. House parties were the thing at dd2’s school from about 14 years old, they all got their grades and went to top universities.

16 year olds don’t need to have trackers on their phones. They weren’t available when DS1 (and me) were a teen and we all managed perfectly fine.

I’ve only read the first page but clearly I live in a parallel universe (aka London) that 11pm is early for a 16 year old schoolboy. DD is coming up to 16 this year and no way would she be allowed that, and nor are any of her friends so far as I know. I certainly wasn’t at that age either.

I have never done set curfews. My parents never did either, in part this was because my mother had strict curfews as a teenager herself, she still as an adult would talk about how she was once grounded for a month because she came home 5 minutes late. She said she was so resentful of her parents rigidness that even if she wanted to come home earlier some nights, she wouldn't.

For my own sons, so long as they let me know where they are going/who with/time expected home/how to get home there is no set curfew, just case by case basis. My oldest is 18 now, but at 16 there were nights he would come home by 10pm, and nights he would be just heading out at 10pm. To be fair that was weekends only, weeknights he wasn't out that late.

What are all these kids doing till 10 or 11 at night? Where are they going? I’m really fascinated by this. Are they just hanging around the park drinking cider? If they’re going places who’s paying?

Well this has been mentioned but:
Cinema
Bowling alley
Arcade
Mate's house
Maccies/Nandos/KFC
Even, depending what's on locally, the theatre or a concert or comedy gig

They may be one of the few who could find a job for 16 year olds. Or their parents might still give them an allowance.

For teen birthdays in London there is a whole raft of expensive activities now like Sensual experiences, life size monopoly, spy mission, weird murder mystery dinner parties, as well as ice skating, bowling, cinema, escape rooms.

For normal weekend stuff, it is mainly house parties.

For younger teens, it was pampering plus film in Covid garden offices mainly plus a sleepover thrown in.

Ha ha - fair enough.

My younger one had ADHD (he’s only 11 though) and I’m sure parenting him as a teen will be a different experience.

Adults partake in crazy stuff too in London. Apparently there is now a Michelin star restaurant where the entire meal is in the pitch black.