For refusing DS to stay at his mate’s after missing curfew again??

[Alphane]

Right so this might be long but I don’t want to drip feed. DS (16) has got into a habit of staying out later and later. We have always said 10pm school nights, 11pm weekends, I don’t think that’s unreasonable. Last night he strolled in gone midnight, no text, nothing, and then had the cheek to say he’s staying over at his mate’s tonight.

I’ve said no. He’s sulking, calling me controlling, saying all his mates get to do what they want. DH says I should let it go as “he’s nearly an adult” but he’s still in school, he still lives here and IMO he’s not mature enough to be making those decisions.

Before anyone judges I’m not precious about him having independence. He goes to football, cinema, Nando’s, all that. I just think if he can’t stick to basic rules then why should he get extra privileges. Also worth saying DS (14) and DD (10) see all this and I don’t want them thinking rules don’t matter.

I know some will say pick my battles but I am just fed up of always being the bad guy while DH shrugs. AIBU to stick to my guns and not let him stay out?

Any time you start saying "my house, my rules" or "I'm the adult" You're throwing your weight around

If the curfew is hard to keep then there is obviously a problem.

Not letting you know would be because there is the curfew. Trying to say you'll be late would just get being told to come home now. It's not worth it. Already in trouble etc

Whereas having a discussion and saying "11pm seems to be too early so how about we don't have a weekend curfew but you must let us know a rough time you'll be back and if you're going to be late" is much more likely to encourage being told

I grew up in a different country, and underage children were / are generally not allowed to go out at night unsupervised, especially not on school days.
It would not even come to my mind to let my daughter / son go out at night without me knowing what they are up to (unless there is a special occasion like a friend's birthday dinner on a weekend-night).
And I'm not even a strict mum :)

You are very right to set boundaries!

Until he's an adult, your rules apply.

11pm is not too early! It’s far later than I was ever out regularly at 16!
And no kids do need to sometimes do as they are damn well told. They have to learn that sometimes you have to do things to other peoples rules however harsh or unfair they may seem. That’s life! Mollycoddling them and allowing them to make the rules just creates spoilt entitled brats and does them absolutely no good.

11pm at 16 is far too early on the weekend? That’s a young adult that’s going to go off the rails the minute they get the chance.

11pm is too early. That was my curfew 30 years ago and having to walk home alone (and separate from friends who could stay out later) meant I put myself in danger. It is far more practical and sensible to request that he tells you where he is and agrees a time when he’ll be home or when he needs a lift.

My DS has just turned 17 and we are all on FindMy (he was allowed to turn it off when he turned 16 but chose not to), and as long as I know where he is I don’t mind when he comes home within reason. He’s never that late, and he also knows he can message and request a lift and he’ll be picked up straight away.

My rule at sixth form was 10/11 through the week and not out every night and weekends were let me know beforehand if you need a lift home from me or if you’re staying out all night let me know that too.

And if you bring a really drunk mate home coz they can’t go home or they’ll get a roasting you’re cleaning the puke.

It wasn't too early for YOU but obviously it's too early for OP's son as he keeps breaking curfew

Being ultra strict on situations which don't require ultra strictness is how you get rebellious kids who act up the moment the reins are loosened and can't cope on their own. Or they channel their trauma into their own parenting and abuse their kids, contributing to the cycle of abuse

Some would say that an 11pm curfew on a weekend for a Sixth Former (this is a 16 year old who will be 17 soon) is the mollycoddling action

Discussing in a mature manner with a 16 year old why they think 11pm is too early, why you think it's the right time, what they are doing, how to be safe and working out rules together doesn't make entitled children. It makes adults who have some self sufficiency and an ability to discuss problems rather than just screaming "it's unfair"

If you had bothered to read and comprehend my posts I have said exactly that. I have also said that the time for the discussion is BEFORE they decide to ignore the rules.
If they feel it’s too early fine have a discussion about it. But that discussion cannot be had as a response to them ignoring the rules. Or else they will just continue to break the rules and have no regard for the consequences

Dd2 is extremely social and popular but doesn’t really go out at all in the week none of them seem to. They do schoolwork in the weekday evenings and go out at the weekends. 11pm would be too earlier a curfew for the weekend.

I bet if this was posted in an Education thread there would be a different response. Aibu has a different dynamic.

This is totally fine, quite a few of my friends have teenagers that never go out, prising them out of their rooms/off their games is the bigger issue.
But OP's DS is pushing back against the curfew so there needs to be a discussion.
I have a DS who always pushed back and one who (so far) doesn't.
I also know people my own age with strict parents who climbed out bedroom windows when their parents were asleep so they could meet with friends.

You have to parent the children you have. If they push back, you need to enforce a boundary but they should have some say in its setting. If teenagers are unused to managing themselves, they may well come unstuck at 18 when there are no boundaries at all. (although I know plenty of mumsnetters do curfew young adults as well)

Not appropriate at all to give 16 year olds a ‘curfew’.

No wonder young adults lack independence now when they are used to being controlled and infantilised by overbearing parents. 😳

He’s not a child though- he’s 16.

They need to do well in their A levels to go to a good uni and then get a well paying job. If you do not “direct” them now in a balanced way, they may suffer much more later on. What is not appropriate is not guiding them at all. Some will self manage very well, others need loads of direction.

They will not cope at uni though if they’ve been mollycoddled.

They will be living away from home and need to take responsibility for their own studies and living. Parents need to reduce the reins and let them develop these skills.

I do not think it is mollycoddling teaching them how to balance fun and work. The opposite is the case. The frontal cortex is not fully developed, they need the direction, some more than others.

Plus a lot of teachers are reporting social and emotional immaturity of up to 2 years due to Covid, so they may need even more guidance.
In our case, our Year 12 is very sensible and self regulates effectively, but if this were not the case I would be stepping in. Either if they stuck at home to screens too much or if they were out partying non stop getting drunk. That is what most responsible parents do. Just like we help arrange driving lessons, uni open days, talk about A level choices and careers and help them apply for internships etc and talk to colleagues. It is the middle class way.
Mine will all be needing guidance until at least 25 and they will be getting it. My parents did the same for us. Then we made good choices.

Yanbu. I think that’s perfectly reasonable curfew times for a 16 year old who’s still at school. I have similar age kids. Obviously if there’s a party that finishes at midnight or something then curfew can be extended for that particular event. Stick to your guns.

He’s not being taught anything though. He’s being controlled.

It’s not perfectly reasonable. It’s totally inappropriate.

When DS1 was 16, he would go round to a friends house or to the cinema etc and come in later than 11 at weekends.

There is far more benefit from them being out socialising in person than stuck at home due to overbearing parents.

16 is still a child. Legally and emotionally.

Team Mum

The way to help them develop maturity though is to enable them to be independent (as you are doing).

I totally agree that teens and young adults need guidance, but that is different to dictating what time they have to come home.

@BeachLife2 Setting expectation is not mollycoddling! It’s guidance for developing young people. They mostly need it.

There are plenty of ways dc prepare for university - doing washing, cooking, being on time, remembering computers, generally self regulating! Being home by 10 on a weekday isn’t mollycoddling. Not being able to do anything because parents do it all is. Yes, dc should be able to negotiate life safely but puking up at 16 isn’t best prep. Most sensible dc negotiate uni just fine. The ones who want to be out all hours drinking are often the ones who don’t do the work.