Help, I’m pregnant and don’t want to be

[HelpIDontKnowWhatToDoNow]

Hi everyone, I’m posting her for traffic as I really need some advice.

I am 26. I’m in a low paid job, I live at home and I want to go travelling within the next year (probably around work, with cheaper weekend breaks and longer weekends instead of the full six months off work backpacking). My parents are happy with this arrangement and are actively encouraging it - they want me to see the world before I settle down to a husband and children and a mortgage.

I have just got back from a holiday and in all the excitement I didn’t realise I’d missed my period. I checked last night and it’s nearly two weeks late. I took a test this morning and it’s a big old positive.

I can’t have a child at the moment. I am not financially, emotionally or physically prepared to have one. But I also can’t reach out to my mum for advice, I have always been a big supporter of women’s right to choose and she has always been pretty clear that she doesn’t agree with abortion. For her or anyone else.

I don’t know what to do now. Do I tell my GP? Do I need to tell the dad? He’s a mutual friend and I would be able to reach out, but I kind of worry that he would want to have the baby, which I definitely don’t want to do.

I know a lot of people will tell me I’m irresponsible for allowing this to happen, or that I’m selfish for not wanting to continue the pregnancy because I want to travel, but what are the next steps?? Who do I contact?

Did she have the child?

This is a situation where your feelings and thoughts are the priority, not your parents’ or the dad’s. You need to decide what’s right for you and take it from there. If that’s an abortion, contact your GP- I wouldn’t bother telling anyone including the dad in this case.

I’ve told my best friend. The unit have let me run down after work, so I have the medication. I’m going to take the first tablet now and then the second one I have to take tomorrow. The nurses in the unit were lovely and offered for me to sit and take it there. I’ve got an out of hours number I can ring if I have any issues or concerns. It feels a little more in control this afternoon than it did this morning

I don’t really see it as something to use as leverage - I’m not ashamed as such, just annoyed at myself for putting myself into that situation

I’m glad you’re feeling more in control now.
Did you tell your workplace?

You definitely have nothing to be ashamed about. You aren’t irresponsible either - quite the opposite.

I’ve not told my workplace - they’re quite relaxed and I just said I had an appointment with a clinic that runs late. I think I’m going to tell the dad what’s going on - mainly because I can go and stay with him over the weekend instead of being at home, and I think he’d be likely to give me a big hug rather than a talking to - what’s done is done now and the process has started so he’s got less chance to talk me out of it

I don’t want to tell you what to do, but I really wouldn’t tell the father, or your own parents. You’re in the midst of it now. Let it happen and then think later about whether you want to tell any of them. You can’t untell them.

I’ve never been through a medical abortion, but can’t you just tell your parents you’re having a bad period or even a stomach bug if you’re so unwell you need to tell them anything? And depend on your best friend for emotional support.

Sending respect and hugs. You’ve got this.

As amazing as my best friend is being, I’m very much a physical person. I just really, really want a hug. I’ve told him via text, so I’m not in any physical danger. The worst he can really do is tell my parents, which I doubt he would to be honest

No contraceptive is 100% effective so even taking it exactly as you should, pregnancy can happen.

Oh my goodness.

First off by saying this. You are not a failure.

Not all of us do things the 'traditional' way of getting married, having children etc. Times have changed and we've moved forward from women getting married and staying at home with the kids. Obviously, people still can and do do this.

But with the times changing and moving, it also allows us to have more control over our bodies, e.g. abortion.

I'm late 30s now but by your age I had three children. Now, I don't regret having them but it's been difficult. Me and dh didn't have any preparations for children and it's been amazing but we've had to work so hard to be able to provide our children with the life they need and deserve.

We've had to both continue working full time, our lives are still very full on and busy and will be for a few years yet.

As I said, I don't regret our children. I do wish I had travelled, been on adventures I've always wanted to go on and have a little bit more prepared than we did.

A few years ago, my contraception failed. I had an abortion because it wouldn't have been fair on anyone. Not fair on our kids, not fair on dh, not fair on me and it wouldn't have been fair if we had the baby.

I was able to come to terms with it easily because I knew it was the right thing to do. My dh knows and nobody else (apart from now). You tell who you want to, and move on from it.

Sending all the support in the world x

I would also be worried about this too. With my own mum telling her about an abortion would definitely affect our relationship with her very possibly asking that I move out so it’s better OP of oh all eventualities before telling her mum.

The dad (or not dad, I guess), is supportive. He agrees that neither of us are in a place to have a baby. I’m going to stay with him for the weekend. He’s going to stop at the shop for me and then pick me up, which is sweet. He actually apologised because he would normally have a condom, he didn’t but we went ahead with it because I am on the pill. I thought that was quite sweet because he has nothing to apologise for.

im hopeful that things don’t get too painful but I feel better knowing that I’ll be around someone who knows what’s going on.

My daughter is 25 and still living at home, the cost of housing is shocking right now. She also wants to travel for a bit before settling down. If she found herself in the same predicament I’d be supporting her with whatever choice she was making.

Do what you need to do to for your own well being. There is plenty of time to settle down in the coming years. Babies do change your life forever and it is a decision that needs to be make carefully.

I had a surgical abortion many years ago, my eldest two children were still toddlers and we were about to be made homeless and had no idea what the future held. When I found myself accidentally pregnant with a third, although I wasn’t against the idea of having a baby our circumstances were so unstable I aborted. The procedure was done under sedation and it was fairly quick. The embryo was about 8 weeks. Recovery was straight forward although I did get some cramping the following day.

Thank you to everyone who has shared their stories and experiences 🩷 it makes me so angry that this is seen as controversial when it’s the right thing to do for so many people

I'm glad you've reached a decision and started the process and also chosen to share with this man.

It sounds like he's being supportive.

Take care.

im surprised but also not. He’s a really good guy, we both know this was a risk and I guess we both align on my right to choose

.

Don’t feel bad. This is exactly what abortions are for. Thank God for them and than heavens that we live in a country where they’re available, that we have the NHS to provide them and where no part of the state or church has the power to stop us having one. You have no reason to feel guilty. Go and see your GP, get the ball rolling and carry on living your life.

You’re 26, it’s simple really, you go to your doctor. You don’t tell your parents. Because you’re an adult and you don’t have to.
you may live to feel bad about it in the future you may not.

But if you’re in the uk it’s not difficult? You have rights. You’re not in USA or Poland or Ireland years ago? Just do what you want to do.

Oh @HelpIDontKnowWhatToDoNow I feel sad reading your messages and how guilty you feel. Please stop. You have done nothing wrong! Accidents happen, we learn and move on. Stop blaming yourself or thinking you’ve done something wrong.

If it’s any consolation, I was you almost 10 years ago. My family would not agree to abortion, wasn’t in a stable relationship, had a job but not amazing pay and I had a medical termination. I was full of guilt for a while. Almost a decade on, my parents or family (or the dad) still don’t know, I’m in a much better place, settled relationship and tripled my salary. You will get through this and forget x

He sounds like a good guy, hope it all goes as well as it can for you both. Your hormones might make you feel quite emotional, you will probably feel emotional and some sadness anyway.
Be confident in the knowledge that you have made a rational choice for the right reasons for you, no judgement and remember above all try to be kind to yourself. Sending love xx

You actually sound incredibly responsible and sensible. If you truly do not want to do this, have a termination. Your body, your choice. Hope it works out for you. X

He is truly a good guy. He turned up with flowers, my favourite snacks, painkillers and every type of pad under the sun because he didn’t know what would need!

As someone who has been through a medical abortion, I strongly disagree that she shouldn't tell anyone. I know it's different for different people, but I needed someone with me.

I think you should consider confiding in someone. A friend, colleague.

But also if youre sure Id pursue the abortion asap so you dont need a surgical one. You dont have to go to your GP. Any NHS sexual health clinic can help or you can ring BPAS.

Personally if you know your choice, and this isnt an ongoing relationship id probablt not tell the guy. But I dont think theres a right or wrong choice