Help, I’m pregnant and don’t want to be

[HelpIDontKnowWhatToDoNow]

Hi everyone, I’m posting her for traffic as I really need some advice.

I am 26. I’m in a low paid job, I live at home and I want to go travelling within the next year (probably around work, with cheaper weekend breaks and longer weekends instead of the full six months off work backpacking). My parents are happy with this arrangement and are actively encouraging it - they want me to see the world before I settle down to a husband and children and a mortgage.

I have just got back from a holiday and in all the excitement I didn’t realise I’d missed my period. I checked last night and it’s nearly two weeks late. I took a test this morning and it’s a big old positive.

I can’t have a child at the moment. I am not financially, emotionally or physically prepared to have one. But I also can’t reach out to my mum for advice, I have always been a big supporter of women’s right to choose and she has always been pretty clear that she doesn’t agree with abortion. For her or anyone else.

I don’t know what to do now. Do I tell my GP? Do I need to tell the dad? He’s a mutual friend and I would be able to reach out, but I kind of worry that he would want to have the baby, which I definitely don’t want to do.

I know a lot of people will tell me I’m irresponsible for allowing this to happen, or that I’m selfish for not wanting to continue the pregnancy because I want to travel, but what are the next steps?? Who do I contact?

Tell nobody, organise the abortion, have the abortion.

https: // www dot nhs dot uk/tests-and-treatments/abortion/preparing/

You've had good advice regarding how to proceed, but I just wanted to add my support - of course you're not being selfish, and I wish you all the best going forward.

It’s your decision, but I feel like you should be extremely cautious about telling your Mum, especially if you’re going to be telling a supportive friend anyway.

My sister got pregnant is similar circs to you- a couple of years younger, but a minimum wage job and still living at home, and pregnant when in a very casual relationship.

Our mum had always been SO supportive of every life decision and worked through every problem with us both, and was also vehemently pro choice on the face of it. Neither of us could have anticipated that she would react so badly to my sister having an abortion. But she did. She put so, so much pressure on my sister to continue with the pregnancy, saying that my sister was being selfish because our parents would support her and would happily have the baby live in their house etc, whilst ignoring that this just wasn’t what my sister bloody wanted.

It was a truly horrible, horrible time. Our Mum fundamentally put her own needs and desires (that she was a bit bored/lost after retiring basically, and would have loved a Grandchild) and she just absolutely flipped in a way which still astonishes me and my sister 12 years on.

It absolutely destroyed their relationship for a few years- my sister had to move out, and they weren’t speaking at all, and though they are on friendly terms once again it undoubtedly permanently changed their relationship. It also changed my relationship with her, as the fundamental trust I’d had in her just went. Our Dad’s relationship with our Mum was badly affected too for a time, as he was entirely calm and supportive of my sister doing what she thought was best.

if you know your Mum had fertility issues and know that she is not pro choice, I think you should expect that it is more likely than not than she will not react well to you having an abortion.

Take care of yourself and put your own first at every turn in this situation.

She’s not pro choice, but has also made it quite clear that she would not want a baby in the house.

I have high hopes that when it’s more personal, she’s going to be more understanding

because the anxiety surrounding not being ready to have a baby and being pregnant can easily be eradicated by the availability of 85% nursery fees?

OP didnt say that she was worried about nursery fees. Read the room, with all kindness, stop projecting.

I really wouldn't tell her OP especially as you're vulnerable and her reaction could make you feel worse. Would she kick you out because if you're on a low wage and she kicks you out you might struggle so just think through all the options but I personally wouldn't tell her.

Im in my late 20s and I work with colleagues who are in the early 30s who haven't bought a house down and still go out drinking like their 18 every weekend everyone moves at their own pace their isn't a rush for you to sort your life out. PP's are forgetting the reality for our generation is different.

Perhaps you should rtft.OP did mention nursery cost. I’m not projecting - I’m offering facts and information so that OP has everything she may need to make an informed choice. Often costs are a huge factor in this kind of decision and i wanted OP to be aware of help available as nursery expense was mentioned. I also gave an opinion on the procedure itself earlier in the thread, i was trying to be helpful.

I appreciate your help. I brought up nursery fees as just one example - I really couldn’t afford much of anything a child needs to have a good life.

Far better to tell nobody at all, and just get on with it.

There's more costs to a baby than nusery fees like milk nappies? If OP can't afford this then nursery is the least of her worries

I totally understand and I hope I didn’t upset you at all it wasn’t my intention, you have to do what is right for you I just wanted to help with relevant information either way

1. Please stop beating yourself up and calling yourself a failure - you're not.
2. This choice is yours and yours alone. You don't have to apologise or to explain your decision to anyone. You don't want to continue with the pregnancy and that's fine. It's your body, your future, your choice.
3. I wouldn't tell the DF. Just do what you need to do and carry on with your life and your plans, which don't include having a baby right now.
4. It will be fine. Honestly

It’s your choice, OP, and as you know a pregnancy now is not right for you now then I don’t see any point in telling the father.

Re, the pill- it was hammered into me 40 years ago that the pill can fail in certain circumstances but I’ve had pregnant students over the years who said they were never told this.

A bout of vomiting or diarrhoea can reduce the pill’s effectiveness as that day’s dose is in effect lost. Some antibiotics also stop the pill from working. You always need to have condoms in case you’re in this situation.

It’s a shame that you won’t receive support from your own DM, but it sounds like you have a good friend to turn to. It sounds as though you are clearing your mind about what is best for you - I hope you get an appointment quickly

I’m not this type of person sadly, I need someone to lean on and talk to about this

So I’ve just had my call. Because I’m certain of my period dates (I’ve been regular and tracking them since 2017!), they’re sure I’m about 6 weeks and I can pick up the medication this evening, because I work at the hospital where the clinic is.

It feels quite real now! I’m going to just pick them up and take them, I don’t want to take too long and chicken out

Make sure you have time to stay at home and rest a bit. They’ll go through everything with you but I took mine late afternoon and needed to rest home all that evening. I didn’t feel up to much the next day but that was more emotional than anything.
Honestly, if you’re set on telling your mum, I would be inclined to wait until after you’ve taken the (second?) tablet. Many, many women have been through this, you’re not alone.

I’ll take the first tonight, as I have the weekend and then Monday off work. I’m torn on telling her, it just depends how I feel I guess

Yes, see how you feel. Get a hot water bottle, chocolate and a good film. Thinking of you OP 💕

Op I really don't think many people would say you are selfish - abortion is completely normal and legal.

Do whatever you need to. you don't have to tell the man.

You clearly know your mind so the quickest thing is probably to find an abortion clinic - quicker than GP. Don’t tell the father unless you’re planning to stay together. It’ll be fine but make the calls now.

If you've only missed your period by 2 weeks they will likely offer you a pill/pessiary termination.

I have had a termination like this, and it was much less invasive/painful than a surgical termination, but it can be messy as you have to pass the material vaginally so you'll need to stock up on pain killers, and some heavy flow sanitary pads, and write yourself off work for a week.

I honestly wouldn't tell the dad. Why does he need to know?

At this stage it's just a bundle of cells that bare no resemblance to a human, and a thickened uterine lining.

I never regretted my termination. I don't think of the what ifs or what could be. I didn't view it as a baby. I feel no sadness thinking back about it.

Honestly, don't panic. You are young, you know what you want from life, and this is entirely resolvable.

You are not selfish or a failure. These things happen. It shows great courage and maturity to follow your heart. It would be much worse to bring an unwanted child in the world 💖

Hope you’re OK, what a tough situation for you.

Just seen that you work in a hospital too.

I would really recommend that you tell absolutely no one (or as few people as possible). You don’t want people to have this information on you as they might use it against you in the future (even your friend or sister/mum). Sorry.

I just want to say you are doing the right thing by not telling your parents. Like you my mum is very anti choice, to the point she can’t hear the word abortion without going into a rant about it so I always knew that if I ended up pregnant I would be alone in making a decision too. The man involved doesn’t need to know unless you decide you want to tell him. It is your medical procedure, your body and your business.

When do your parents go on holiday? I would Google abortion services and your area, and get the ball rolling as soon as possible. If you have any doubt the abortion services provide pregnancy counselling where you are able to explore your feelings in a non judgmental and non biased environment, do take the opportunity to talk it out if possible to put your mind at rest. You are not selfish for deciding that this isn’t the time for a baby and you are still so young, absolutely travel and enjoy yourself. Let us know how you get on, best wishes 🌺

Oh and definitely do not tell the “father”.

Do not give away your private medical information.

Don’t give anyone leverage against you. Friends today can be your worst enemy in 10 years.