Help, I’m pregnant and don’t want to be

[HelpIDontKnowWhatToDoNow]

Hi everyone, I’m posting her for traffic as I really need some advice.

I am 26. I’m in a low paid job, I live at home and I want to go travelling within the next year (probably around work, with cheaper weekend breaks and longer weekends instead of the full six months off work backpacking). My parents are happy with this arrangement and are actively encouraging it - they want me to see the world before I settle down to a husband and children and a mortgage.

I have just got back from a holiday and in all the excitement I didn’t realise I’d missed my period. I checked last night and it’s nearly two weeks late. I took a test this morning and it’s a big old positive.

I can’t have a child at the moment. I am not financially, emotionally or physically prepared to have one. But I also can’t reach out to my mum for advice, I have always been a big supporter of women’s right to choose and she has always been pretty clear that she doesn’t agree with abortion. For her or anyone else.

I don’t know what to do now. Do I tell my GP? Do I need to tell the dad? He’s a mutual friend and I would be able to reach out, but I kind of worry that he would want to have the baby, which I definitely don’t want to do.

I know a lot of people will tell me I’m irresponsible for allowing this to happen, or that I’m selfish for not wanting to continue the pregnancy because I want to travel, but what are the next steps?? Who do I contact?

I trust the dad - it’s a bit of a complex situation but neither of us are really seeing anyone else. It’s all casual but I will get tested just to be safe!

i haven’t read all the replies so maybe someone posted this already but this is useful from the NHS re finding a provider: https://www.nhs.uk/tests-and-treatments/abortion/preparing/

You’re not a failure, please be kind to yourself. What would you say to a friend if this had happened to them?

Also completely up to you but condoms are your friend in future if you want to be really careful along with the pill, and bonus that you can avoid most STIs as well.

Take care, it’ll all be ok.

Agree with this entirely.

And OP multi-generational living is as old as time, nothing to be ashamed of. We have set up our home around the fact our kids may all stay living with us for prolonged periods, come back etc.

There is nothing wrong with having an abortion if that is what you want. You also dont need to tell anyone if you dont want to. I had one as a teenager. I just went to my doctor and they made the appointments.

Just want to share my experience, I had an abortion as I fell Pregnant when my firstborn was still tiny. I knew I couldn’t give my daughter the love and attention that she needed if I had another baby so soon. Plus the dad wasn’t much help (not together now) don’t ever feel guilty for making a decision that is right for you at the time. The anti abortion tribe really make my blood boil as it’s usually men who have that opinion and until you have been in that situation you cannot possibly understand how difficult it is to go through. I mainly felt relief and still don’t regret it, it doesn’t have to be a drama honestly,

take care

Abortion is healthcare. Healthcare is private. You don’t have to tell anyone about a perfectly legal, perfectly normal, medical procedure. It’s your business, not his.

If I was you op I wouldn't tell anyone if you dont want your mum finding out. Secrets have a habit of getting out and I think your mum would be doubly hurt to find out later. The clinic will have counseling available if you need it but if you really don't want a baby you should be fine.

OP you are not a failure and you are still so young and have your whole life ahead of you! You aren’t being selfish. It is totally fine to terminate your pregnancy. Give yourself the most opportunity and freedom to get to where you want to be in life. Of course this is a difficult and emotional time for you, but you will come out the other side.

I’m going to tell her tonight

I'm concerned that your mum and the dad will influence you to continue with the pregnancy. It's doesn't sound like you're in the best position to continue with a pregnancy or raise a child. If you've decided on an abortion then it's your health, body and choice. Can you just talk to a non judgemental friend first, before telling anyone else?

FWIW in my twenties I travelled loads and had a great time. I was on contraception but was always so stressed that I would become pregnant anyway. I had made up my mind from early adulthood that any unplanned pregnancy, I would have an early stage abortion ASAP. Luckily it never came to that for me as I've never been pregnant despite contraception failures like the condom coming off inside! Stressful and mortifying experience.

Abortion is healthcare OP and you have to do what's best for your own life. Your mother and potential dad can use all the right words now, to say how they'll help raise a child. But at the same end of the day, the main responsibility of parenting will always fall on you, the mother. Really wish you all the best OP.

I don’t think she’d stop me. I’ve told my best friend and I have no doubt she’ll call me on my lunch break, but I also just want my mum. She’d be upset, but I dont think it would be at the point that she would physically stop me.

You have mentioned a few times that your parents approve of you going travelling. You’re 26. You don’t need their approval. You also don’t need to tell your mum about this, especially if she is opposed to abortions. I would consider thinking about how you can step away from the enmeshment a little bit. Best of luck.

By approve I mean they are happy for me to live at home to be able to do it - of course I need that because otherwise I’d be stuck renting and spending all of my wage on rent, bills and food, unable to do anything else! They could easily say that if I want to travel I have to pay market rent!

You haven't failed.
You are simply pregnant and dont want to be, thats all.

Arrange the abortion - go for the pills it will most likely be like a heavy period. This is no one elses business but yours.

DO NOT TELL THE MAN - He cannot and must not be able to try to change what YOU want to do.

I totally support your actions; similar happened to me but in my case the condom broke.

Be prepared to mourn at random times and in the early days, around newborns. Don't let it stop you acting, just accept you could feel grief. If this worries you I will be honest and say that although in my case I was with the guy, he was a bit of a rebound relationship and I went off him seriously quickly - I aborted as I didn't want to be tied to him for life. It sounds like your father is cool and someone you'd be happy to know forever, so bear that in mind. You could always put the baby up for adoption. If you are telling others I think you have to tell him, or accept that the relationship may end if he ever finds out.

I was given a GA for the surgical procedure but it's super quick so you don't need much. You wake feeling fresh and I didn't vomit like I have with later GAs for longer procedures. I agree with PPs though that if pills are still an option, obviously do that. They may well be.

I have had two healthy children since, when I was in the right place. I don't grieve now, beyond sorrow and regret at my actions. In the early days I could be triggered and cry intensely for short periods. I'm telling you this so you are prepared and not to guilt trip you.

She cant stop you anyway! Not least because you are an adult.

I would by pass the gp completely and self refer to bpas. They do everything over the phone or they did in 2023 when I used the service

In relation to contraception, it can be impacted by anything that impacts your gut, so Antibiotics, diarrhoea, vomiting, weightloss injection, anything that impacts your gut makes it less effective. For future, anything impacting your gut needs you to have more protection.

Good luck, don't beat yourself up.

Just so you are aware if you get UC they pay up to 85% of nursery fees. Not saying that for any reason other than making sure you have all the facts for your decision making process

These things happen OP.

you don’t need to tell the father. Your GP will refer you to the relevant service and offer counselling. I strongly recommend you take it. Good luck.

I’m not sure if I’d be eligible for UC as I live at home? In any case having a baby is firmly not in my plans for this year (or even this decade)

Are you prepared for the emotional fallout if your mother gets very upset about the abortion or tries to guilt you? You said she’s anti-abortion so just think carefully if telling her before the fact is going to help or harm you

You would be I think you can do an online calculator to find out. If you feel it’s relevant to you but otherwise ignore me - I just didn’t want you to make a decision with that as a big factor then find out later on you may have been able to get help with fees

Speak to your GP as they'll know what needs to be done in regards to a referal and have a friend who can keep it hush from others to support you. It wouldn't be fair to tell the Dad as you are confident in your decision to have an abortion so best to leave him out of it.

RTFT or at least all the OP's posts for God's sake!