Help, I’m pregnant and don’t want to be

[HelpIDontKnowWhatToDoNow]

Hi everyone, I’m posting her for traffic as I really need some advice.

I am 26. I’m in a low paid job, I live at home and I want to go travelling within the next year (probably around work, with cheaper weekend breaks and longer weekends instead of the full six months off work backpacking). My parents are happy with this arrangement and are actively encouraging it - they want me to see the world before I settle down to a husband and children and a mortgage.

I have just got back from a holiday and in all the excitement I didn’t realise I’d missed my period. I checked last night and it’s nearly two weeks late. I took a test this morning and it’s a big old positive.

I can’t have a child at the moment. I am not financially, emotionally or physically prepared to have one. But I also can’t reach out to my mum for advice, I have always been a big supporter of women’s right to choose and she has always been pretty clear that she doesn’t agree with abortion. For her or anyone else.

I don’t know what to do now. Do I tell my GP? Do I need to tell the dad? He’s a mutual friend and I would be able to reach out, but I kind of worry that he would want to have the baby, which I definitely don’t want to do.

I know a lot of people will tell me I’m irresponsible for allowing this to happen, or that I’m selfish for not wanting to continue the pregnancy because I want to travel, but what are the next steps?? Who do I contact?

Big hand hold here OP. Today might be tough going but you’ll get lots of help once you’ve spoken to BPAS this morning.

Make firm plans to go travelling, it’s amazing seeing the World.

Lovely post ❤️

Time and place @SunnySideDeepDown

This is not the time for place for future life advice for the OP. Please read the room. She is not in a good place right now, and as helpful as you may think your comments are, they are not timed well.

Don’t. At this early stage there’s no need. Just do what you need to do, mistakes happen, it’s a learning process, move on.

And ignore the poster kicking you while you’re down. I fully expect my kids to move back after uni, I can’t see how they’ll be able to afford rents etc in our area, not to begin with. I’m here to help them get on their feet, the life available to them is very different to the one that was available when my parents were the same age. And none of us know what life you’ve lived to date. Don’t beat yourself up.

Try and be kind to yourself OP, you are neither a failure nor selfish.
The worst thing you could do would be have a baby you know now you can't support and are not in an established relationship, it's hard work having a newborn and you need support from a partner (I know people can do it alone but it's tough going).

Mistakes happen, I also took the pill as prescribed with no illnesses or variations and still fell pregnant around the same age, I had a termination and went on to have my teenagers/pre teen 10yrs+ later. It's sad for you to have to go through this, but it's ok and definitely isn't selfish.

You may feel like a failure as you have changed from your original plan but you sound like you have worked hard studying etc and deserve the opportunity to live a little how you want to. Travel whatever way you can, however works for you and get those well deserved experiences under your belt. You have plenty of time for career building, I got made redundant and completely changed my career and retrained for 4yrs at 31!

There is no rule about when you "have" to have left the family home etc. Cherish what sounds like a great family home life, and utilise the opportunities it allows you.

Call your friend, get your hug, although I do hope that despite your Mother's views she would be there for you but only you know how strongly she feels about this and the family dynamics (that sound good tbh).

Best of luck, it will all work out ok, thinking of you x

@HelpIDontKnowWhatToDoNow hello, how are you feeling today?

I just want you to know that this is exactly why we have abortion as an option. It’s a decisive topic but it’s healthcare. If others don’t agree with abortion fine, they can not have one. But most women on here will likely be of the opinion that a termination is much better than continuing a pregnancy you don’t want. Accidents happen. I have also had a termination in my teens and whilst it wasn’t easy by any means, I didn’t have the correct circumstances to bring a baby into the world. And plus the father was a top tier twat. I won’t say I haven’t grieved in my own way, but the freedom of not being tied to being responsible for a life I wasn’t able to really be the best mum for has always helped.
You have dreams, you’re young. Don’t let anything as unnecessary as continuing a pregnancy you don’t want to because of the views of other people cloud your future.
I have 4 children now and my partner isn’t the father of my eldest and if I could give you any advice it’s choose the father of your children carefully. I wouldn’t be telling the man who you’re pregnant with now, don’t be involving him, not his body, not his choice.
Abortions are never a pleasant experience but giving up on plans to see the world and then start a family a more traditional way, would be far worse.
Good luck x

Thank you.

this is the kicker - I can’t afford rent unless I solely pay rent, bills and transport to work. That’s not a life. I hate the fact that I’ve not moved out yet, but it’s not as though I’m being treated like a kid at home. I work full time, pay for everything myself and pay keep at home. Yes it’s less than I would pay when renting, but that’s how life goes. The housing market is awful.

Oh my love. You are not selfish. Mistakes happen.

self refer to bpas asap. Having children changes your life like no other and you’ve said you’re not ready which is perfectly acceptable.

please reach out to your friend or someone who can support you. As a mother I would want my daughter to come to me and I hope your mum can see that too.

For the future double up on the contraception.

sending love

OP, I’m sorry you’re in this position, but luckily you know your mind, your decision, and can proceed to being ‘not pregnant’ very simply.

It doesn’t have to be a big drama, I have had a termination and felt nothing but relief, same with many people.

You are 26 years old, it is none of your parents’ business. You don’t need them to ‘be there for you’ any more than you do for a dentist appointment. But good you have a friend who will be sympathetic and supportive.

The man? Tricky. Are you in a relationship? I wouldn’t tell him if he is likely to discuss it with others or guilt trip you.

Why do you think he would want you to have the baby? Tbh if you are not in a long standing settled relationship and he is likely to pressurise you on moral and religious grounds I would question his view of women.

Good luck OP, sort this out in the quickest simplest way and enjoy your coming year travelling and sight seeing.

I don’t think he’d pressure me, but you can obviously never be sure and I don’t want the risk to be honest

Hi OP,

I wasn't going to comment because plenty of PP have pointed you in the right direction - BPAS and Marie Stopes.

However, stop being so hard on yourself right now. You are not a failure and I refuse to listen to you speaking about yourself as if you are.

Take a deep breath, and stop beating yourself up. You didn't mean to get pregnant, you were taking the pill, and for whatever reason it failed on this occasion. According to the NHS website, the "typical use" effectiveness for the combined pill is 91% - sometimes accidents happen. You are also seeking advice immediately and making the best decision that you can see for yourself, you're brave and you're doing your best.

You are 26 years old. You are young and curious, of course you want to travel and have some experiences before settling on any particular path. No one had everything locked down at 26 - anyone who tells you they were 100% sure of their path at 26 is lying, many of us are still just winging it and life will throw all sorts of curveballs that mean all of us will have to reassess/change direction at some point.

By the sounds of it, you completed education and tried out a career path that didn't turn out as expected. That is not failure, that is a learning curve. That is the "trial and error" that is going to help you identify what you want and need in your professional and personal life.

Aside from her own personal views on abortion, it sounds like you have supportive parents who absolutely want the best for you. They have seen you through education and the first career path, and are currently supporting you through this stage of saving and exploration. If they knew that you thought you are a "failure", they'd be heartbroken.

Take a deep breath and just remember that you are doing your best, everyone makes mistakes, and nothing that happens now will doom you for all eternity. xxx

Then that’s fine. You make the decision that is best for you. Your body, your situation. No question. Your choice on every aspect of this, what to do, who to tell, is the only choice that matters.

Sending a hand hold

You've not failed and you're not selfish. You're not in a position to give a child the life they deserve, so you've decided not to have a child. That's far from selfish. My daughter is the same age as you, and I'd surround her with love and support in your position.

Agree with everyone else re termination so I wanted to talk about the other stuff.

You are NOT a failure for living with your parents or not having a super fancy job at 26. If your family all get on well and you're working and doing your share of chores etc then it's no different to a house share really. Makes total financial sense instead of paying hundreds per month renting. I think it's very common to live at home for a while after uni. In past generations most people lived at home until they got married.

I guess the point the other poster was making was that it can be easy to "drift" a bit at home so it's worth making sure you actively get out and meet people, save up for the future etc.

Personally I think your plan to do some travelling alongside working/saving is a great plan at age 26.

OP, as everyone else has said. Just get an abortion. It’s easy and there is no need for it to be a problem. Also, you are only 26 and it sounds like you are a bright and hardworking person. That’s good! Enjoy your travels and don’t worry about having lived at home.

I had an abortion at 28 - was fine. Never think about.

The housing market, high cost of living and low wages are brutal for young adults at the moment. Living with parents is a very common situation that will only become more common. You shouldn't feel like a failure.

You’re not in the right place to have a baby - financially or emotionally. Don’t feel guilty about terminating. You don’t need to tell the father, or your mum. I wish you all the best.

I think it’s hard because a lot of people seem to expect that you move out as soon as you finish uni - but it’s just not possible. I wouldn’t be able to afford to live on my current wage. Of course I’m going to work to improve it and go for jobs as they come up, but it’s not something I can change right now. I pay into my pension and I have a plan to save while also saving for travels, and then after a year I’ll reassess and see where I am and where I can get to. But owning property definitely isn’t my priority right now. My brother didn’t buy his first home until he was 37!

Look, about a third of women have an abortion overall, you're hardly in an unusual position. What help is beating yourself up? Just get on to one of the many women's health services, you don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to.

It is your body and your choice what you do. Please seek support.

Okay, I’ve referred myself to BPAS.

I’ve text my best friend and I’m telling my mum tonight, purely because I need her. Thank you to everyone for your comments about me living at home - it means a lot 🩷

You're not a failure, you're still young and the economy is a mess at the moment. I second contacting BPAS or Marie Stopes, it's probably quicker than going through your GP. Having had a termination myself, I don't think I'd have liked to have gone through it on my own - have you got someone to confide in? Doesn't need to be your mum or the father.

What I would say is that it's probably a good reminder that the pill isn't infallible AND doesn't protect against STDs. Have you been tested? I'm sure many (most?) of us have had the odd slip, I know I have, but it's not worth the risk.

Ahh, that's good!

As a mum and pregnant with a second, I can honestly say if you don’t want this don’t do it. It’s ok to have an abortion I promise. X