Help, I’m pregnant and don’t want to be

[HelpIDontKnowWhatToDoNow]

Hi everyone, I’m posting her for traffic as I really need some advice.

I am 26. I’m in a low paid job, I live at home and I want to go travelling within the next year (probably around work, with cheaper weekend breaks and longer weekends instead of the full six months off work backpacking). My parents are happy with this arrangement and are actively encouraging it - they want me to see the world before I settle down to a husband and children and a mortgage.

I have just got back from a holiday and in all the excitement I didn’t realise I’d missed my period. I checked last night and it’s nearly two weeks late. I took a test this morning and it’s a big old positive.

I can’t have a child at the moment. I am not financially, emotionally or physically prepared to have one. But I also can’t reach out to my mum for advice, I have always been a big supporter of women’s right to choose and she has always been pretty clear that she doesn’t agree with abortion. For her or anyone else.

I don’t know what to do now. Do I tell my GP? Do I need to tell the dad? He’s a mutual friend and I would be able to reach out, but I kind of worry that he would want to have the baby, which I definitely don’t want to do.

I know a lot of people will tell me I’m irresponsible for allowing this to happen, or that I’m selfish for not wanting to continue the pregnancy because I want to travel, but what are the next steps?? Who do I contact?

I fell pregnant at a similar age to you, in a good job with own flat etc and I still didn't want to be a parent. I didn't tell anyone bar the GP to make the arrangements, and haven't had a moment's regret or doubt since (18 years ago now).

So if I were you, I would head to the GP or similar and get the wheels in motion, much like you would for any other medical issue.

This is how mine was, it was completely non traumatic and took 5 mins. I then sat for half an hour to check the anaesthetic had worn off before leaving.

Oh I get just wanting a hug from your mum and for everything to be okay. Perhaps in the meantime we can be your distant stand-in mums, and then when you are ready, you have a chat with her.

In your own time.

These things happen & it’s very easily sorted.

Ring your GP and they can pass on a phone number etc so you can book in for a termination.

No need to tell the Father if you don’t want to.

It’s such a simple procedure of taking a couple of tablets and waiting. It will all be over before you know it and you can carry on with your travelling plans x

Contact sexual health - they will counsel you and help you make the decision that’s best for you. They will also be able to arrange an abortion for you - no one needs know who you don’t want to know

Thanks everyone.

I think I definitely need to speak with someone about it. I am so sure I was taking my pill correctly, but now I feel really irresponsible and as though I’ve made a huge mistake.

I also know I could never, ever give a child the life it deserves right now - I wouldn’t be able to pay for nursery, for example. So I know this would be the right thing to do, but I also feel as though I’m being selfish by choosing to travel over having a baby. I don’t know, my head is a mess right now

You’re a grown adult, if you don’t want to or can’t have the baby (I agree, you’re not independent enough to have one at the moment) then abortion is the best option. There’s nothing wrong with abortion so don’t let anyone let you think there is. I would also get on contraception.

On another note, at 26, I think you need to take a step back and think about what you want from life. Travelling is great if you have money or the means to do it, but you’re living with your parents in a low wage job, on the cusp of your 30s. I think you’d be better off earning and saving with the odd weekend away. You mention settling down after travelling but you need to be independent. Thinking about how you’re going to sustain yourself. Waiting for a man to come along and change your life isn’t realistic or healthy. It’s mid-20s when you need to start thinking long term, with maturity, about how you’ll give yourself freedom and the financial means to sustain yourself and potentially a family in the future. It’s time to “grow up” as I would tell my own kids.

Not selfish AT ALlL. You'd be more selfish to have a child whom you don't want and can't afford.

Phone BPAS get a telephone consultation.
Go into the hospital get two pills. Take them. Have a heavy period. Carry on with life.

I had mine at 9 weeks gestation and it was so easy. I didn't feel any guilt. It was not the right time.

I went on to have a child a couple of years later.

Please don't worry, this is completely routine.

You would get universal credit so if you do want to have a child later on you can apply for that and also help with nursery if you wanted to go back to work also.

You are very young. My second child was had in my 40s. Completely natural and healthy.

Yes, I understand that I’m a failure.

but circumstances in my personal life have led to me being in this position and all I can do is make the best of it. I headed down a career path that I hated and that ruined my mental health because of serious illness within my family- I felt that if I left then I’d add extra stress at a time that none of us needed it. I left that this year and do have a plan to move up at the organisation I’m working in now - as I said in my main post I plan to travel around work, as opposed to taking a big break from work.

I know I failed in terms of not moving out, but right now I need to take some time to just exist - I spent seven years at university and doing various professional qualifications and I’m burnt out, I want to just experience life for a little bit while working, and I am happy with that plan - as are my parents.

You are NOT a failure.

Contraception fails, it's not 100%.

You need to speak to your GP or sexual health and make a decision. Abortion isn't right for everyone but in your situation I would be doing it.

PP have shared their experiences and it's doesn't sound bad but time really is of the essence.

Make your decision and continue with your life plan.

We're here for virtual hugs 🤗

As already mentioned you don’t need to see or tell your GP, they’ll just refer you on to another service anyway. Ring BPAS or MSI and get an appointment, you can even do telemeds and have the pills sent to you at home if everything is straightforward. At this gestation a medical abortion with pills is safer and the preferred method, but you can request a surgical procedure if you want. Just know that sometimes it takes a bit longer to get a surgical appointment.

And just to note when I say settling down, I mean coming back, getting really intense with saving etc.

but the reality is that on my wage I won’t be able to afford a mortgage. It is what it is. Owning property isn’t the only thing that matters in life and my parents, brother and I live more like housemates than the parent child relationship at this stage. It works for us and we’re all happy.

I will self refer to BPAS this morning

You aren’t selfish. Book a Gp app and they can refer you to the right people. I wouldn’t tell the “father”

You don’t need to justify yourself OP

Sending best wishes x

There’s no need for your parents of the father to know. Definitely reach out to your friend. Don’t beat yourself up over this. Thousands of women have been in this position. (Probably millions actually). You will get through this.

I just think a lot of people don’t understand how rough it is to be judged for things like this. Not everyone falls into fancy corporate jobs and not everyone has the smooth path in life, at the end of the day what matters is being healthy and happy and anything else is a bonus

I’m torn on telling him. He’s a great guy and not a stranger, but there’s that worry that he’ll want me to have the baby, which I don’t want.

Don't tell him. You've made your decision, you don't need his input. Don't tell your bigoted mother either. Good luck with everything.

Just to re iterate this

There is no need at all to speak to your GP

For goodness sake don't wait for a GP appt

The waiting from BPAS and Marie Stopes has been long at times so I would contact them today.

You’re not a failure, @HelpIDontKnowWhatToDoNow. There are lots of different paths in life, and a lot of different views of what success is, and you still have a lot of your life ahead of you. It sounds like you’re doing the right thing for you right now. I hope everything goes smoothly with BPAS and you are able to get back to your plans.

You don't need to tell anyone you don't want to tell.

You don't need to tell him. You're not involving him in the decision and it's a private medical matter at this stage.

I made a similar decision at a slightly younger age. I now have 2 adult children. I have never regretted the decision even fleetingly.

And you can phone them today, without contacting your GP first, if you’d rather not. Don’t beat yourself up.