to ask if you are not a lady who lunches but don't have a job what do you do all day?

[ICanBuyMyOwnFlowers]

I am a SAHM with 4 kids. I didn't want to become a SAHM but 3 are ND and it soon became obviously that one of us had to provide stability. Fast forward many years and my kids range in age from 25 to 15. I am in the process of getting divorced due to him finding a younger woman with only 1 child and basically leaving, not only me but his kids.

Sorry but didn't want to drip feed.

Personally, even though my kids now range in age from 25 to 15 I still struggle to find time in the day to eat let alone lunch! I'm finding it increasingly offensive that my ex thinks I'm sat at home doing bugger all but how do you explain the endless toll of mundaneness that is my daily life! DD2 fell desperately ill and spent 11 days in hospital but doesn't want to defer uni so I spent 3 days buying and making over 30 individual parcelled meals which I then spent another day taking up to her and cleaning her flat. At the same time DS1 has just finished school and I honestly thought that 6th form would have prepared him better for going out to work! He didn't even know to collect his exam certificates (though that may well be my bad as his two older sisters didn't need prompting). Trying to get him to think through application forms for apprenticeships and temporary jobs for Xmas is driving me insane. I'm also tiling the bathroom as we're going to have to sell the house and I would like to make as much profit as possible. This is all on top of all the other mind numbingly boring jobs such as dinner, cleaning, housework and helping the youngest with her homework.

I'm also having to look at retraining as, of course, I gave up my wonderful career and now need to rebuild. As for ex - he does f^&*k all. Doesn't believe the kids need him and can't be bothered to respond whenever they ask anything of him. At some point I shall have to show my son how to use a razor.

What's your day been like?

2 disabled teens, i'm also mobility disabled with a side of chronic pain and fatigue.

Today is a thankfully quieter day as DS isn't in college today, and DD only in for a few hours, but usually, it involves getting up at 6:50 to get DS19 up, i have to help him dress, then make his breakfast, make sure he takes his meds, then chivvy him along all morning while also trying to wrangle DD16 to get up/dressed/breakfast.
I make their lunches, get them to pack their bags.
I drive DD to college, then DS to his college (specialist place), then i come home, have my breakfast, take my meds, do the jobs around the house that i can manage, do lunch, take a nap, fetch DS bring him home, then fetch DD and bring her home, have another nap, make dinner. get everyone to bed, go to bed.

Does it get easier? 🤣 it also makes me feel
better to see it all written down.

If I live to pension age I'm going to be completely screwed, like a lot of unpaid carers. No pension, no investments and I privately rent. I will most likely be the villain in the other thread about Pension Credit.

Hopefully PC will be available to you.
I’m not in great shape either, finances wise. I’m being treated for cancer and very unsure what the future holds now..

I agree to a point but some people have caring responsibilities or have health conditions or disabilities that prevent them from
working.

Some of the ‘admin’ listed by PPs are a bit ridiculous- making lunch and sorting the washing aren’t worthy of being listed. Same with ‘life admin’ that people on here always talk about. I wfh full time so do my work and a lot of SAhM duties. DS is in school so not running around after him all day

You obviously don't have a household runners or 4 children including 3 boys who do muddy sports! The washing is never ending here and very time consuming.

not in my case, being disabled laundry for myself and 2 teens absolutely is some kind of 'activity' one that takes energy and strength and often leaves me in so much pain i have to take 15-20 mins to recover after it.

I miss it being a quick/simple job that was 2 mins to put on, 10 mins to hang out.

Nothing. I can't afford it.

It is easier in some ways, youngest is good company now she can talk and much more stimulating for me than being at home with a 1YO. But there’s no nap…

I think it’s very tiring to be ‘on’ all the time with a toddler, assessing risk, responding to their needs constantly etc. I found office work easier in some ways, as if you needed five minutes to clear your head / think things through you could take it. Having a toddler is a bit like how I imagine being a sous chef in a busy kitchen.

I have girl runners and have done years of XC muddy washing

It's an activity for the washing machine, not me.

My office job was 100% easier, hoping to go back one day

It takes hours and hours to sort though! I do it constantly, hate it!

I'm 63, days are different. Work all day Mondays, have grandchild all day Weds but other days are mine. Today I got up at 6.30. Did some work on an online course. Walked the dogs. Did online exercise sesh. Went Tescos. Mooched around charity shops. Cleaned the car. Cleaned the sofa. Bit more general housework. Made chutney with the overload of courgettes from allotment. Pottered around the garden. Read a bit of a book. Shaved my legs. Washed the dogs bum, don't ask!

Like most other sahps, other than the very wealthy, I have ft caring responsibilities for an elderly relative, I facilitate dc2 getting to their preferred post 16 college (living in villages is lovely until you need to access hospitals/schooling/further ed/asc support...)
I have an autoimmune illness which flares up regularly.
Dh works away a lot...
But going out for lunch?
Nope.

I had to wash my dogs bum too today. Solidarity. It was literally shit.

Amazes me how much time some women take over these things. I work full time - 50 hours a week - and still manage to do all my washing, cleaning, packed lunches for my child etc.

Yeah I agree, it's one of my least favourite jobs. There's 7 of us in the household and the washing just seems to take forever, pairing up tens of tiny socks and sorting through the neverending stream of odd socks is the bane of my life

@FindingTheBalance thank you! you've summed up my issues beautifully. I have 4 blasted degrees and was thinking of retraining to be a midwife as I would have LOVED that (though for any midwives out there a friend is a midwife and has gone through, in detail, all the downsides). I'm over-educated and bored but feel guilty if I stop for a single second so fill my time with stuff that probably isn't urgent. On top of this my kids are used to me being 'on tap' and will turn to me for everything which is not good for them or me.

@Sunsetoasis I think you feel this sounds great and if I didn't know my son so well I'd totally agree with you. My son has zero ability to sort himself. I worry that in some way I've 'taught' this to him by doing stuff, but my 3 girls couldn't be more different. The eldest 2 are completely self-motivated and worked hard at exams/finding jobs etc. Equally he suffers from depression (school noticed) because he feels like a failure compared to them (His dad has told him he's useless). He gives up so fast he could probably win a speed record for Guinness records! But he has no belief in himself and is surprised if anything works out well for him. Trying to balance protecting his ego with encouraging him to learn and become independent is mind blowingly boring (sorry - not good mum moment). As someone upthread said, some spectrum kids do go on to become disabled adults and he falls into this category. But I'm desperate for him to find his independence and one day move out. He was in my bed all night last night because 2 weeks ago he choked on a piece of chocolate. I'm NOT a sympathetic mum to illness, I just don't have the patience - but he spent the night gagging. He's so over thinking this! And he snores! I've not slept much! I love him, I want him to believe in himself but urgh!

@Enigma54 Yup, that's a mega issue. Given my ex is an expat trust me we put our money, not into pensions, but into a house and savings. That was fine when we were going to have a shared future but shit now we're splitting the assets.

I put in the max allowed annually into a SIPP, and I also max out a LISA (effectively the same top up for a badic rate taxpayer) and S&S ISA every year. I only started contributing 11 years ago but it has increased to a good amount due to a high risk investment approach and good investment opportunities in the markets. It's at a similar level to my DSis who has worked all her life but left the contributions at the minimum levels and invested in the default funds.

@DaylesfordBroccoli My son went to a school where, weirdly from year 9 onwards they did at least 1 GCSE a year. They even went to court with OFSTED when challenged and are still doing it. So in year 9 he did 1 science GCSE, in year 10 he did a further 2 GCSEs and then the rest were done in year 11 as normal. He left the school to attend sixth form elsewhere. He ended up repeating a year because of his diagnosis of ADHD and trying to see if drugs helped (they did). The school still hadn't sent them. What you're missing here is that it's not that he was being lazy, he genuinely didn't understand their importance. We're in a deprived area and school are pushed to support children like me DS because he's not throwing stuff around a room, is not a danger to himself or others and is polite and respectful. I'm in an area where schools are more concerned about knife crimes, teenage pregnancies and gangs (no I don't live in London). My poor polite and respectful son didn't get any attention. I had to fight all the time to get teachers to acknowledge is diagnoses. The thing is unless you say his name first (to get his attention) and once you've made sure he's sort of looking at you, you tell him what to do/needs doing it goes straight over his head. I should have named him Ernest, but it's part of is disability that unless his attention is specifically drawn to something he wont realise it's relevant to him.

Why do people like you come on these threads to knock others down? Are you caring for disabled children at the same time or struggling wirh a chronic illness? Cancer?

I also used to do everything whilst working full time. I never used to get it either. Now I can’t. Be thankful.

So sorry OP what a crappy situation.

I do not work and decided with DH. But I home school my 2. Wake up deap with the kids, get ready for the day, breakfast, clean up. 45mins of home schooling, put toddler to bed. Then do another 30mins of homeschooling with eldest. After nap we have snacks and read and play together. Then lunch time, clean up and then play for 1 hour and more books, speak to family then 2nd nap for toddler. My eldeat has some quiet time and we cuddle up and read. Then I do some house work. After nap we play together and then I make dinner. DH comes home and takea over I get 30mins to myself and then we have dinner, clean up and then bed time routines - kids sleep. We have 1 hour together and then alone time sometimwa I go to bes early if we had a veey busy day like a long walk, pkay groups, travel etc.

I only get 1.5 - 2hrs alone time and to catch up with things without the kids. It is a full time job.

Sorry I didn’t mean to offend. I’m not referring to people with chronic illnesses or disabled dependents. I was merely agreeing with the thread title.