to ask if you are not a lady who lunches but don't have a job what do you do all day?

[ICanBuyMyOwnFlowers]

I am a SAHM with 4 kids. I didn't want to become a SAHM but 3 are ND and it soon became obviously that one of us had to provide stability. Fast forward many years and my kids range in age from 25 to 15. I am in the process of getting divorced due to him finding a younger woman with only 1 child and basically leaving, not only me but his kids.

Sorry but didn't want to drip feed.

Personally, even though my kids now range in age from 25 to 15 I still struggle to find time in the day to eat let alone lunch! I'm finding it increasingly offensive that my ex thinks I'm sat at home doing bugger all but how do you explain the endless toll of mundaneness that is my daily life! DD2 fell desperately ill and spent 11 days in hospital but doesn't want to defer uni so I spent 3 days buying and making over 30 individual parcelled meals which I then spent another day taking up to her and cleaning her flat. At the same time DS1 has just finished school and I honestly thought that 6th form would have prepared him better for going out to work! He didn't even know to collect his exam certificates (though that may well be my bad as his two older sisters didn't need prompting). Trying to get him to think through application forms for apprenticeships and temporary jobs for Xmas is driving me insane. I'm also tiling the bathroom as we're going to have to sell the house and I would like to make as much profit as possible. This is all on top of all the other mind numbingly boring jobs such as dinner, cleaning, housework and helping the youngest with her homework.

I'm also having to look at retraining as, of course, I gave up my wonderful career and now need to rebuild. As for ex - he does f^&*k all. Doesn't believe the kids need him and can't be bothered to respond whenever they ask anything of him. At some point I shall have to show my son how to use a razor.

What's your day been like?

If you're not enjoying it, I would get a PT job, or a 3rd sector job (charity work, although a professional role if that is what you were used to). Personally I feel it gives you motivation! I'm going to start looking for a new (PT) job in January. Good luck with whatever you do!

I don’t work.

this is because I was in an accident eleven years ago which means I am in constant pain and have had to relearn how to walk.

sometimes my brain just hates me and my body totally forgets how to walk.

some people cannot work, even if they want to.

today I managed to clear the dishwasher and I’m bloody proud of that. It was hard work.

some people don’t work because they are too disabled. Believe me, that is not a privilege.

I tend to think people expand tasks to fill their time.

I know it's not a competition and everyone is different, but I have 3 ND kids late primary/teen. (2 diagnosed but suspect 3rd). And I work full time and am a single parent.
I have very little spare time apart from when the kids are with their dad alternate weekends. But if I wasn't working I definitely would. They dont want to hang out with me in the evenings that much. So I'm doing house chores and admin after dinner til bed.

Courts take additional needs into account.

i’m disabled and when I got divorced, the fact that I was disabled and could not be expected to work full time was as taken into account.

if there are children of the marriage who are sufficiently disabled that they need ongoing support then this is a factor.

many disabled children grow into disabled adults who still need significant support.

I’ve actually looked for work recently now DD is in college consistently but there is so little where we live. I could pick up 37 hour contracts through a previous agency almost immediately.

@Kittyfur there are plenty of people who don’t work but that doesn’t make them privileged, just because they don’t go out to work doesn’t mean they have it easy xx

Clean house, work out, volunteer or food shopping , read/watch a film or documentary then it’s school run

I always feel like I don't get enough done and spend every day feeling guilty. Partly, because I tell myself, "how am I struggling to get everything done when working mums do this?!"

During the six hours my children are at school I clean and generally tidy the house, sort out washing, do food shops, other shops etc. I'm currently uploading all the clothes the kids have grown out of onto Vinted and making pin money/decluttering the house.

I suppose I do work part time, but only a few hours of paid work a week for a charity. I do a couple of unpaid hours for them in terms of social media and emails.

There always seems to be some form of family admin or something broken that needs fixing or a meeting/parent training or support group to go to related to my kids (one diagnosed and one suspected ND).

I want a job. I miss having the full time one I had ten years ago. I always thought I'd go back fully to work when my youngest started school, but that was three years ago now. I did have a major breakdown two years ago but I've had therapy since then and I'm in a much better place mentally.

I want to relax and enjoy the time. I love reading, crafting, walking in nature etc. Once a fortnight I might meet a friend for coffee or a walk. But mostly if I do try to relax and do something for myself I end up feeling guilty as my husband is at work and money is starting to get tight for our household. Saying that my husband keeps saying he's fine with me not going back to work and he's sure we'll cope financially.

I'm slightly worried about how my autistic son will cope if he had to go into wraparound care. His safe space is home and he doesn't want to leave when he comes home from school. He's tired after six hours of masking. So I also feel guilt about wanting to go back to full time work.

I'm also very, very bored. I have an academic/scientific/project manager background and washing the dishes does not cut it intellectually. So, I listen to podcasts almost constantly while doing chores. That helps with the loneliness too.

? How?

Dog walk, work out, clean the house, put a load of washing on, iron, prep dinner, run errands, life admin, school run.

There is nothing super privileged about being an unpaid family carer! No job, no career prospects, no money of your own, probably no time to yourself, negative impacts on your own physical and mental health, and only the state pension to look forward!

Spending your time battling the lies, cheating and bullying by education, social services, the NHS and DWP - because they are all gatekeepers to resources!

But op it sounds as though you want to retrain or find some sort of income of your own but you don’t have the time because that time is filled with your understandable caring commitments?
Ultimately it depends on how much you can lower your standards without everything going to shit? You have had a long time at home to be everything to everybody and everyone is used to it, so it takes real analysis of what you can reasonably drop in order to free up some time?
Can you initially look at carving out an hour a day for yourself, to study or to look for avenues of income that would interest you?
For instance sitting down with one kid who is looking for apprenticeships , and saying look , let’s both spend an hour on our laptops doing research for our next steps, no interruptions?

All the things people wait for the weekend for are my life every day, plus the school run

Small child (just started school sept this year) Two elderly dogs, a house half renovated, constantly chasing being fitter, trying to keep house clean, declutterred and tidy, everyone’s admin, all our investment admin, cooking all meals for everyone, all washing for everyone, often traveling between countries as living away from family, also have a fledgling small business but that’s a very recent addition to my list of things to be doing!!!

School run
the usual house stuff
sorting out DS's meds
Taking DS to his many, many appointments

It wasn't the plan to not have a job here either but DS is disabled and it just isn't possible right now.

I am always amused by "putting the washing on" being listed as some kind of worthwhile "activity". Surely it takes longer to type it than to do it. The machine does the work; there's really no time or effort needed by a human. When it's done chuck it over your shoulders and put it on the line.

Same with dishwasher.

I was mostly a SAHM and I didn’t return to work once they left home as we didn’t need the money and I was busy doing other things.
I’ve always had a cleaner so didn’t have to do much cleaning and I’ve always been efficient doing general chores and household tasks so I’ve never found I’ve had an issue with the things other people call the ‘mental load’ ( maybe because I was lucky enough to have a cleaner and also because I was lucky to have ‘easy’ kids)

I spent lots of time making sure my kids had a fun filled and happy childhood. I felt like that was my job and I enjoyed it. Apart from that I played loads of sports, I’ve gone through different phases of sports but, for example, during my tennis years I was easily playing 20 hours of tennis a week. I love doing things like that. It’s fun and rewarding. We used to live in a country where I could do downhill skiing or cross country skiing in between dropping the kids off at school and picking them up. That was brilliant fun too. I do some sort or sports or fitness classes every day.
I’ve usually done one day or half a day hands on charity work a week too.
I’ve also always enjoyed DIY and gardening. That can take up a lot of time but I really enjoy it. I’ve just laid a new patio. We are fortunate in that we can comfortably afford to pay a company to do it but I get a real kick out of doing it myself.

I like to see friends a lot too. I don’t do lunch but will go for a walk, or go and do chores with friends. We quite often help each other with things like decorating or batch cooking.

I fit any chores around the things I enjoy doing. I’d never turn down seeing a friend so that I can clean the house or something similar.

I feel privileged that I’ve been able to choose whether to work or not. I don’t have strong opinions on whether it’s best for kids to be a SAHM or a working mother. I’ve seen both done well and both done badly. It worked for me and my family for me not to work.

Disabled ds has now finished full time education so spends a lot of time at home. In between dealing with him, I do the things everyone needs to do such as cooking/cleaning, but I make sure to allocate myself half hour slots of things that are for me. I do a lot of voluntary work, mostly stuff that can be done remotely, so accounts for local charities, I teach ESL online to a few teens across the world and once a week I volunteer at a girls' youth club. For leisure time I crochet, read, grow plants and last year I started learning a new language.

I have 5 kids and DH works away. Youngest is now at full time school so I'll probably look for work after Christmas. Currently I just do some housework, shopping, walk the dog, watch TV, exercise.

For those of you don’t know work, what do you do regarding your pensions? Do you have independent funds to cover that?

Chuck the wet washing over your shoulders? What

I agree about the bathroom, but if my DD had been severely ill I would do everything to make sure she was well fed. The OP is just being a good parent in that regard.

If you don't work and don't have a lot of spare cash what do you do with your time.

HTH

Sorry, I meant for those who don’t work, what do you do regarding pensions?

My husband works for a local authority and has a final salary pension.

If he leaves me, I’ll get half of that. And half the house.

My mother and grandmother both died of diseases from the genetic condition I found out that they both passed down to me by the time they were in their mid 50s.

My dad had a fantastic pension. He ended up with vascular dementia and was left with pocket money to buy toiletries from the local authority while the rest went towards paying for two care homes that he was abused in.

I don’t worry about the future at all. I can’t bring myself to give two shits. I’ve got slowly going blind hanging over me, a pension that I might not live to receive is the least of my worries to be honest.