to ask if you are not a lady who lunches but don't have a job what do you do all day?

[ICanBuyMyOwnFlowers]

I am a SAHM with 4 kids. I didn't want to become a SAHM but 3 are ND and it soon became obviously that one of us had to provide stability. Fast forward many years and my kids range in age from 25 to 15. I am in the process of getting divorced due to him finding a younger woman with only 1 child and basically leaving, not only me but his kids.

Sorry but didn't want to drip feed.

Personally, even though my kids now range in age from 25 to 15 I still struggle to find time in the day to eat let alone lunch! I'm finding it increasingly offensive that my ex thinks I'm sat at home doing bugger all but how do you explain the endless toll of mundaneness that is my daily life! DD2 fell desperately ill and spent 11 days in hospital but doesn't want to defer uni so I spent 3 days buying and making over 30 individual parcelled meals which I then spent another day taking up to her and cleaning her flat. At the same time DS1 has just finished school and I honestly thought that 6th form would have prepared him better for going out to work! He didn't even know to collect his exam certificates (though that may well be my bad as his two older sisters didn't need prompting). Trying to get him to think through application forms for apprenticeships and temporary jobs for Xmas is driving me insane. I'm also tiling the bathroom as we're going to have to sell the house and I would like to make as much profit as possible. This is all on top of all the other mind numbingly boring jobs such as dinner, cleaning, housework and helping the youngest with her homework.

I'm also having to look at retraining as, of course, I gave up my wonderful career and now need to rebuild. As for ex - he does f^&*k all. Doesn't believe the kids need him and can't be bothered to respond whenever they ask anything of him. At some point I shall have to show my son how to use a razor.

What's your day been like?

OP not sure what your question is but it seems more your XH doesn't value your contribution to the family household, how much support your DC need even into adulthood and how much you have done over the decades to facilitate him dicking around. Rather than you having to justify what you do all day. You clearly do plenty.

It sounds like you need to be able to move on from him, hard as it is. And your DC won't have a good relationship with him going forward.

Admire you tiling the bathroom, its the one DIY job that is beyond our familial skill set and we've always outsourced!

I've been a SAHM for 5 years. I'm looking for a job now my child has started school.

My days are fairly similar, breakfast, packed lunch, get child ready for school, drop child off. Home just before 9am. I do a general tidy up, put washing on, put other washing away etc.

The big difference in my day is that I can now walk at my pace so I'm getting fitter as I can go for a proper walk each morning.

Supermarket shop (I pop in each day so we only buy what we need).

Home for more housework, painting fence, doing garden and lunch.

Ironing, hoovering, baking etc before I go to collect child.

I then spend time with him, playing, chatting, watching one of his shows before making tea.

The days flash by. We haven't got much extra money so I try not to drive too far or spend anything extra. Looking forward to going back to work soon hopefully too.

I did rather 'lunch' today - took myself shopping in town. But I'm doing a part-time masters which all kicks off again in a couple of weeks and will keep me busy pretty much non-stop until th end of May, so I'm considering this lull between back to school and the course starting my 'annual leave'. Alongside studying I'll be keeping the household running, doing bits of DIY, and I volunteer on two local charity committees.

Not much. Lie on the couch. If my depression and pain isn't too bad I can shower.

Take kids to and from school. Clean the house, shop for food while they're at school. Because 3 of my 4 kids have ASD/ learning difficulties, I spend a lot of time up and down from their schools having meetings and collecting them early if I need to. Normally I get an hour or 2 to watch a bit of telly or read a book.

Typical day:

Up in night with 18 month old, 6 year old comes in at some point. Im always night duty.
DH takes kid(s) from around half 5. Im up for the day around 6:30/7am, breakfast both kids and get them both ready along with myself whilst DH gets himself ready and gets to work.
Once DS is at school I take DD to a group/playgroup/park or food shop/errands. Then home to do washing (it constantly piles up), prep dinner for later, house cleaning whilst entertaining DD. Do lunch for us both then her nap. If I can get her to nap alone then I do laptop life admin and maybe sit with a coffee (ha!), then might get some other chores done if I can and put cbeebies on once shes up. Then before you know it Im collecting the 6 yo who normally has meltdowns/is exhausted so thats our evening with dinner and bedtime routine. Feels like Im constantly cleaning and it’s still always a mess! It might be because mine are still very young though.

Did you miss the bit where her DD was very ill? Since when did McDonald's become a healthy nutritious food option for someone who is ill.

Proof of results is often needed at interviews. Some teens need the prompting and guidance, just leaving them to it isn't ways the best thing to do.

What kind of work are you looking for? I always find it interesting to think of what to do.

Good for you. I also did that when I worked full time. It’s different now I have kids. You dont know why this person isnt able to work.

I spend most of my time caring for two adult DDs and DH, all with chronic health problems. Occasionally, I look after DGC, when DS or DDIL ask.

I work a few hours a week for DH or his partner.

During Covid, I campaigned for the rights of care home residents as part of a voluntary group, alongside other groups/charities.

Are you me 🤣

Why did you make 30 meals?

DD is ND and has had periods of not going to school/being part time so that used to dictate my whole day.
Now she is in until early afternoon so I have more time. I do all the cleaning/washing/cooking. I go to the gym 2 mornings a week. Once a month I go to a particular village to look in the good charity shops.
I do a lot of crafts/ sewing.
Im actually going to struggle as for 5 years I’ve not had this much time. Everyone I know is working!

I normally work, but I’ve been off sick the past year cancer. I don’t quite know how you can’t manage to get things done, as even with younger children and cancer treatment/hospital appointments, I manage just fine, plus I have a daily nap.

Up at 6:45, everyone dressed, fed, out the door, two different school runs (primary and secondary), then I eat breakfast and sort out some jobs around the house. 4 days a week I go ride my horse for 2 hours. Then lunch. Then usually a 1.5-2 hour nap. Then school runs again, afternoon snacks, homework, drop offs to sports/activities, cook dinner, collect from sports/activities, dinner, bedtime. Dh tidies the kitchen and throws children up the stairs to me to put to bed. I’m in bed for 9:30-10pm.

Cleaning, gardening, food shop ordering gets done here and there on weekday evenings or on the weekends.

Mostly, I ride my horse and nap during the day. 😂 I have a hospital appointment maybe 1-3 times a month, which is an hour away, so that takes half the day, but not every day obviously.

I do find you fit your chores into the time you have. When I was a working mum, in the morning I'd get myself ready, get the kids ready, clear up after breakfast, get a wash on, put the dishwasher on. I was so productive. Now I take them to school/college, come home, have a coffee, get the dishwasher on, scroll Mumsnet, put some laundry on, have another coffee, wipe down kitchen table, watch some TV, hang laundry up, scroll Mumsnet again, pop to shops, get home, have lunch, unload shopping..etc etc

Your ex DH sounds an idiot and you’re clearly very busy. There are a few things like the meal parcels that if someone was working out of the home full time they just couldn’t do. Most others have to be fitted around work. Do your DC qualify for benefits that pay towards you caring for them? It doesn’t sound like you’re living a life of leisure, that’s for sure!

I think this is all getting a bit confused as if you have children with additional needs like OP, that's going to take up all your time. My ex used to think our DD was my "hobby".

You're just taking on jobs for the sake of it, aren't you? Tiling the bathroom??? Providing 30 meals for the DD? Cleaning her flat? Wtf? I think the trouble is you've always done everything for the DC so that now either they don't know how to do things, or they can't be bothered cos they know you'll do it. It's time to think of yourself. No wonder you're bored.

You do fill the time you have, I work full time, run two teenagers around, walk the dog, do housework, study and do clinical hours as I’m retraining to be a therapist and I’m also training for a hyrox. I do work from home though which helps and my housework standards are pretty low!!

I was asked why I was asking. I suppose it's because I'd like to find others like myself. I never wanted to be a SAHM but having agreed to do so for a 'couple of years' my ex manoeuvred me into never going back. It's not the point of the thread but my life has become so incredibly boring! After almost 20 years I'm having to scrabble around and find a new career. But that's fine, actually it's exciting (if you remove the need to earn much) as having a purpose aside from my kids seems wonderful.

BUT he's removed himself from the bloody mental load. Whilst he believes that I'm "just a lady that lunches" he also believes he has zero responsibility and is trying to get his solicitor to tell me that I a) need to suddenly earn an amazing salary and b ) continue to fully support our children because heaven forbid he actually has to do something for them.

The thing is I need to keep him off my back and was looking for responses of what I actually do during my day. I can list mine but they seem so incredibly mundane and boring.

Finally I nearly lost DD2. She does have a case of malpractice against the NHS but neither of us wish to see the NHS further depleted of funds and the individual that made the mistake knows! Thank you to those that supported me.

My day is just like yours but without the nap!!!

DC2 is a bit older but the routine still similar.

Your oldest child is 15. It's really time to stop calling yourself SAHM.

Carer. Drive two teens to college/school. Shop, buy petrol, Laundry. Eat lunch, Sleep, back out to collect kid from college. (2.5- 3 hrs driving 3 days a week. Be disabled and rest. Not enough cleaning or housework.

Presumably you don't have autistic/adhd/anxiety ridden kids

...aged 25