To be livid with father in law

[Brightside88]

I’m open to being told I’m being a bitch to be honest because I don’t know if I’m being rational or not.
I’ve had a very unsettling week - met up with my mother for the first time in 6 years and it’s stirred up lots of anxiety. My nerves are fried, I feel like I’ve had adrenaline pumping round my body since the weekend.

Anyway we get to Thursday. My one day of the week I can work at home in peace. Both kids are at school, husband at work. Plan was to do my admin in silence and recuperate a bit.

Get a text from father in law at 11ish. “Hi is it ok if I come round and cut the grass?” This isn’t a job we’ve asked him to do. Over the summer he’s kind of taken it upon himself to come and do it. We dont particularly see eye to eye my father in law and I. He’s very old school, traditional values. I’m uber independent, have done loads of the diy on my house myself, drive myself here there and everywhere. Been independent because I didn’t have my parents around.

Anyway I saw his message and to be honest I just ignored it. I thought I’d deal with it in an hour. Half an hour passes and he’s turned up, let himself into the house and started doing the grass.

I just feel livid. I feel like my personal space has been invaded. My choice to say no taken away from me. I feel powerless and like I have no control or say in my own life.

I feel like I’m projecting a lot of my feelings from meeting up with my mother into this situation which is why I’m worried my reaction isn’t proportionate but I’m just so angry.

help!

This is hilarious. I've had the exact same experience. I was angry too, like my boundaries had been trampled on. i felt so conflicted too. Like 'what was going on here, I didn't invite him over and is it ok to feel the way I do'. They're showing their age In my opinion and after I cooled down (days later), I found it was good to have it done (I suppose 🤨🧐)

I just dread having a DIL like you. Do you just fall out with the stones in the street for no reason? You should’ve texted back if it meant that much. It’s not some grand conspiracy - he’s just bored and trying to be useful. Why is it all about you? Get a grip.

Gee whizz wait till your older and your family treat you like this. Gives the poor guy something to do plus helps you out and you seriously annoyed wow

People like you are so toxic. Don't get married if you refuse to have any kind of good relationship with your in laws. Your spouse is better off.

You need to get help STAT. You are massively projecting, frankly toxic opinions onto innocent people, just trying to do a good thing.

Some of these replies are cracking me up now. Please read my replies before saying I’m toxic. I haven’t said anything to my father in law and I understand I’ve been unreasonable. I’m fully aware that my issues with my own parents skews my views sometimes on how other people in my life behave. I work really hard to not let that affect my relationships hence why I posted on here for advice before I overreacted. Generally I have a great relationship with my in laws, the one sticking point is that they can be too over bearing for my liking. But I’m working on establishing healthy boundaries and that’s ok. Thanks to everyone who sent me constructive replies I really appreciate your time.

Try flipping it the other way that it’s a wonderful and lucky thing to have in-laws / family who are 1- capable of helping and 2- want to help. Many would be so happy with having some help with tasks.

In future a quick- ooh not today thanks. Appreciate it though, can you do XXXX day (maybe when you’re not there if you want to avoid it).

Hrft but you're right, it is about control.
He wants to 'help' and you feel controlled or loss of your control.

I suspect he's wanting to be out from your MiL and feeling useful is important to everyone, retirement takes some getting used to.

Hi Fil thanks for doing the grass, you do a great job but when I'm WFH it's a bit distracting, could you prearrange a day when I'm ....elsewhere?

Also I saw this add for Mens shed/volunteers/allotments I thought you might be interested.

Can he come and cut my grass? I hate doing it

If I was WFH and an uninvited relative took it upon himself to cut my grass, I’d be annoyed that my working day was disrupted

What a ludicrously OTT response.

Some people demonstrate that they care rather than say it. I’m sure he’s trying to be helpful rather than thinking he’s overstepping. Reframe it that it’s one less job for you to do and use that time for yourself.

I think what I struggle with is he also made a comment asking if I had been asleep (I was working from home). I run my own teaching business after being a secondary teacher. It pays me a decent enough wage not loads but enough to live a nice life. The same day this incident about the grass happened he also told me I should apply for a job at my son’s private school so I could get reduced fees. He just makes me feel so small and stupid.

It seems to me as though he’s being friendly, helpful and taking an interest in you.

of course, you know him far better than I and you may be correct that he’s simply interfering because he’s bored.

has he ever let himself in to cut the grass before? Did he know you were working from home? Have you ever asked him not to cut the grass on a particular day because it was inconvenient? Or have you gone overboard in expressing your appreciation (you say you’re a people pleaser) and he’s seen that as an indication of how helpful he is being to his family?

It’s all of a piece, isn’t it? Apols if you’ve already answered this, but what’s your DH’s take on all this?

She asked "was she being a bitch "

Isn't that just normal conversation? He's saying if you applied there you would get a free or heavily reduced fee.

I think you are taking his comments too sensitivity. Why didn't you just reply because I don't want to work in a classroom again

Set some boundaries and get those keys back!!

Why does he want to mow your lawn so bad?

He probably wanted to do it while the weather was dry.

He presumably thought you might have been asleep as you didn't reply.

I'm struggling to see the problem with the suggestion of working at a private school?

I was going to say make sure you get the key off them before you have children, but realise that's way too late!!

Do you have a key to theirs? If not, ask for one, then start randomly popping over. I know it's not quite the same, but it might make them realise how intrusive they are being!!

You said you were buying time to think of a good reason to say no.

You don’t have to. Just say, “Today’s not convenient, but thank you for offering.”

This is an all-purpose no, to be used liberally.

I think it’s a nice gesture on his part (if he’s retired he may just be looking for opportunities to be useful and active still). You had plenty of opportunity to say no. I don’t understand how it’s become a regular thing without your consent. Surely if you didn’t want this you would have just said “no thanks, I like cutting the grass myself”.

Honestly all this just sounds like flippant chit chat, i obviously don't know the man or his intentions /tone but he could just be passing the time of day.

Have you spoken to your husband about how it makes you feel?

Agree what if you were naked! I find that so rude someone letting themselves into your house, there’s a reason you didn’t respond and he should have picked up on that.