To be livid with father in law

[Brightside88]

I’m open to being told I’m being a bitch to be honest because I don’t know if I’m being rational or not.
I’ve had a very unsettling week - met up with my mother for the first time in 6 years and it’s stirred up lots of anxiety. My nerves are fried, I feel like I’ve had adrenaline pumping round my body since the weekend.

Anyway we get to Thursday. My one day of the week I can work at home in peace. Both kids are at school, husband at work. Plan was to do my admin in silence and recuperate a bit.

Get a text from father in law at 11ish. “Hi is it ok if I come round and cut the grass?” This isn’t a job we’ve asked him to do. Over the summer he’s kind of taken it upon himself to come and do it. We dont particularly see eye to eye my father in law and I. He’s very old school, traditional values. I’m uber independent, have done loads of the diy on my house myself, drive myself here there and everywhere. Been independent because I didn’t have my parents around.

Anyway I saw his message and to be honest I just ignored it. I thought I’d deal with it in an hour. Half an hour passes and he’s turned up, let himself into the house and started doing the grass.

I just feel livid. I feel like my personal space has been invaded. My choice to say no taken away from me. I feel powerless and like I have no control or say in my own life.

I feel like I’m projecting a lot of my feelings from meeting up with my mother into this situation which is why I’m worried my reaction isn’t proportionate but I’m just so angry.

help!

No it’s not unreasonable to feel annoyed that someone just turned up to be honest but you did have the chance to say no it’s not a good time. It’s quite a helpful job he’s doing for you, perhaps say to him, ‘so grateful you help with grass, Thursdays are not a good day going forward’ and if that doesn’t suit him just say he doesn’t need to come then.

Sorry OP, but

a. Hes been cutting your lawn as a kindness in the past. Im guessing you never objected (who would. . .?!)

b. He messaged. You didnt answer to say “Thanks but no thanks today as working”. He will have assumed you’re out

c. Presumably he’s been given a key to do just this - let himself in when you’re out. So if he’s done it before, why is it a problem now?

d. What does your partner/husband feel?

I am guessing that if you suddenly withdraw the key now this will cause a family issue and hurt feelings. I dont think I’d ever have given a key at all, but this is the status quo , so you have to deal with the situation as it stands.

I’m sorry for not reading the whole thread, normally do. Just needed to post that in-laws should not have keys to your house unless you have leant them for a temporary reason.
Remove this privilege immediately!

This you are bu and sound quite ungrateful

Yup you're being a bitch. It's a lovely thing for him to do. You had the opportunity to say no if you wanted to and chose to ignore that. He's saving you and his son a job so you can both have more free time this weekend

Is that so odd? My in-laws lived round the corner, we had a key to their place and they had a key to ours. My sister lives quite close too and she has a key to ours and we have a key to theirs.

When one of us is on holiday, the other one will pop in a couple of times, remove any post on display and just check for any issues etc.

Sadly op if you knew had a key you should have just replied no not a good time and he wouldn’t have just turned up or if he didn’t have a key he couldn’t have just let himself in. Might be time to discuss boundaries for you both. Sorry you have a shit parent.

That's being a bit harsh calling the op a bitch.
Just because she doesn't want her fil to turn up.

Your husband needs to deal with this and tell his parents that they are not to let themselves into the house without permission, what if you had been walking around naked.

Did he even ring the doorbell?

You need to set some boundaries with a man like this

What a patronising ass**le

If FIL has been cutting the grass most of the summer, he obviously thinks you guys are fine with him doing that.

Are you going to take it on? Does your husband want to?

This is a communication problem on your part. Why couldn't you communicate that was not a good time for you and set up another time or tell your husband to stop him from coming over and doing you favours? You don't like him doing it, you have to communicate the boundary. You have to communicate to your husband how you feel about FIL doing household tasks and whatever else you're so angry about (and I do think part of your anger with your FIL is displaced from your mom). Did your husband want them to have a key?

He thinks he's doing something nice for you two and saving you and your husband time and physical effort and you really resent him for being anywhere in your space. How does your husband feel about his doing your yardwork? Is he angry about it too?

They have their own key??

Why??

Yes but in the world of MN his sainted in laws are treated quite differently from her evil in laws!

God, can he please come round mine. My garden is a riot 😁
You should have sent a polite ‘thanks but no thanks’ reply in the first place.

Did dfil know he was being ignored? No. Therefore he did not have enough information to decide to enter someone else's home without permission.

That.

I'm not sure why you've blown this up so much.

Why are so many people bewildered by this? I have both my daughters' (so also my son's in law's) keys at their suggestion, and they have mine. We do each other favours that require getting into a house when the other is at work/away. It's easier. They both know they can call me if there's a problem when they're not there, and I can attend.

If you want your home to be a sanctuary, you know he had keys, you know he's keen to do the lawn that day, you should have just answered his message.

He's not a mind reader. He didn't know how you were feeling. You need to learn to communicate if you want people to behave in a certain way.

You lost me when you wrote you are uber independent and a sign of that is that you drive yourself everywhere. Jesus.

He obviously thought he is doing you a favour as you both work. By not answering he assumed it was OK.
Just be grateful. One less job to be done.
I think the meeting with your Mother really upset you and you were feeling vulnerable.
I think the problem is with your Mother.

You said you set a boundary but you didn't. You didn't reply. If its an issue then say no and mean it.

In the early days of being with my now DH I wanted to go to war with my MiL on so many things because I felt like she was infantalising me, judging me, trying to catch me out but as time has gone on I've learned my DH's family is close and hands on where mine is not so I wasn't accustomed to this style of being. I love them and love how much they have accepted me now but it was tough at the start.

Your FiL did just cut the grass. It is really a big issue to make him a cup of tea and say thank you? If it is a big issue (and it's OK if it is, it's your life and your home) don't start a family fight, just say no next time.

I’m with you, @Brightside88 - no reply should mean no. Either take away his keys or tell him you’ve lost yours and the locks have been changed

It’s completely different scenario. He took it upon himself to cut the grass at HIS convenience. If I suggested cutting mum’s grass and heard nothing from her, mI’d leave well alone

Good grief! My neighbour cuts my grass and doesn't send a text - he just turns up! Which is absolutely fine by me and the other neighbours, we are grateful to him for doing it.

Obviously he isn't letting himself into the house, but I can't see any issue with that either given FIL has a key. My late DM was in and out of my flat all the time, I couldn't have cared less and I sometimes let myself into her place. I really don't understand all this angst about relatives letting themselves in - if you don't want them to do that then don't give them a key.

Your reaction is completely over the top.

I'm struggling to understand just how there is a convenient time to cut the grass? How does it affect anyone else (unless maybe they were ill, or sleeping, at the time).