To be livid with father in law

[Brightside88]

I’m open to being told I’m being a bitch to be honest because I don’t know if I’m being rational or not.
I’ve had a very unsettling week - met up with my mother for the first time in 6 years and it’s stirred up lots of anxiety. My nerves are fried, I feel like I’ve had adrenaline pumping round my body since the weekend.

Anyway we get to Thursday. My one day of the week I can work at home in peace. Both kids are at school, husband at work. Plan was to do my admin in silence and recuperate a bit.

Get a text from father in law at 11ish. “Hi is it ok if I come round and cut the grass?” This isn’t a job we’ve asked him to do. Over the summer he’s kind of taken it upon himself to come and do it. We dont particularly see eye to eye my father in law and I. He’s very old school, traditional values. I’m uber independent, have done loads of the diy on my house myself, drive myself here there and everywhere. Been independent because I didn’t have my parents around.

Anyway I saw his message and to be honest I just ignored it. I thought I’d deal with it in an hour. Half an hour passes and he’s turned up, let himself into the house and started doing the grass.

I just feel livid. I feel like my personal space has been invaded. My choice to say no taken away from me. I feel powerless and like I have no control or say in my own life.

I feel like I’m projecting a lot of my feelings from meeting up with my mother into this situation which is why I’m worried my reaction isn’t proportionate but I’m just so angry.

help!

He’s been doing it regularly, she didn’t say no…the outcome is obvious. Her disliking him doing it is the issue, she refuses to tell him that and then wants to complain about it. She can’t have it both ways.

It’s a typical MN post where someone refuses to deal with the actual problem they have.

I’d say it’s both - yes, she needs to speak to him and no, she’s not unreasonable to say that as she didn’t give him a reply, that doesn’t equate a yes.

I have a key to my daughter's house and I have a key to her's. I thought it was very normal

He thinks he’s being helpful, maybe he knows you and your dp are busy and thinks it will help if he does the job for you and this was the only free time he had.
Figure out what you’re angry with - that he didn’t wait for a reply, that he let himself in, that he does this job, or something else?
Deal with this issue because this simmering resentment will cause more issues in the long run.

Yep this. If you’d said no and he’d still turned up, you’d have grounds to be annoyed.

But we don't know what is the norm because OP hasn't said.

Does he normally wait for a response before coming round (unlikely if he didn't do that this time), or the most likely situation is that if it isn't convenient she would let him know straight away, and she didn't so he assumed it was okay, if that is what normally happens then he hasn't done anything wrong by assuming.

He didn't know the answer was no and he didn't know OP needed a full hour to think about saying no to him.

You could have said “hello, thank but today doesn’t work for me. See you another day “

But what he categorically did know is that she hadn’t said “yes”.

I find it extraordinary the number of women apparently happy for a man to take the absence of a “no” to mean “yes”. Are all these women teaching their sons this?

I understand where you’re coming from OP. My family are hands off, getting on with their own lives, you sort yourself out types. I also have a distant parent with minimal contact.

I think the problem stems from when you’re being ‘parented’ by your in laws in a way that you’ve never experienced before. It feels infantilising and like you’re not an adult to be trusted with your own life, decisions etc.

This often takes the form of things they want to do for you. Not what you would like. Then you’re stuck in this weird place of feeling ungrateful and controlled when everyone around you thinks it’s ‘lovely’. So many posts on here saying how they would love someone to come round and cut their grass. It’s not about the grass! It’s the invasion and making you feel like you can’t say no without offending/upsetting someone.

Your home is your sanctuary during difficult times and it’s ok to want to shut the door and not make cheery small talk with your well intentioned FIL.

There’s some good advice on how to set boundaries here. I’m a people pleaser too and want to be easy going but bristle like you at nice gestures dressed up as sticking their noses in where it’s not wanted.

Hope you feel better soon.

Wow you couldn’t have summed up more perfectly exactly how I feel about it.

I'm with you but many posters on MN don't seem to want anyone coming into their house at all.

No the only thing he categorically KNEW is that she hadn't replied, which could mean yes or no, so he took a chance, if the weather there is like it here at the moment, chances are he only had a limited window to get it done, and made an assumption about the lack of response.

A lack of yes isn't a no and a lack of no isn't a yes, unless there is previous precedent (which I suspect there may be), he obviously chanced it. If OP didn't want him to come she SHOULD HAVE REPLIED.

You're absolutely reaching with your consent bullshit, they have given him consent to come round and mows their grass and they are obviously happy for him to do it (the fact that OP secretly doesn't like it is neither here nor there as he has never been told that), he's not forcing her to do anything against her will while she is too drunk to consent, he's accessing their house to mow their grass like he has been all summer.. You're really blowing it out of proportion.

If he came round letting himself in unannounced, or she said no and he argued or came round anyway I could understand your outrage, but someone doing you a favour, which they have been doing regularly for months making an assumption is not at all the same as him forcing OP to do something against her will.

He took an absence of a no to mean yes (why is he asking if he has their consent?) - and you think that’s just fine. Just own it.

No response =drop it, ime. What does your Dh say? You’re wfh, it’s disruptive having someone come in the house. You can’t access my back garden without going through the house.

Speed is of the essence with people like this! Just a quick message, "Oh that's nice of you but it's not convenient today as I've got a lot on with work and it'll distract me. Thanks anyway."

Why? I would fix that. But you should have said no instead of ignoring.

😂😂😂😂 fair

To be honest I don’t see why grown up people feel it’s okay to go round and mow other peoples lawn without an invitation in the first place. It’s the sort of arrangement that makes me wince and I like minimal input from extended family in regards to my house. I got the impression from your original post this is something he’s decided to do rather than it being something you’ve asked him to do. It’s a violation of your privacy and invasion of your territory! You are right to be pissed if about it, but I wouldn’t suggest having an argument about it either. He is probably trying to help even if it’s misguided.

No way is this acceptable. What if you were walking about half naked? Or sitting at your desk in a towel? What if he walked in on you and your husband 'at it'? There are so many scenarios that are meant for private.
The only reason he should have a key is to look after any animals when you and your husband away. Outside of this agreement he is absolutely not to let himself into your house as and when he pleases. Sending a text 30 mins prior without waiting for a reply is definitely not a green light to go ahead and overstep these boundaries.
I had a normal upbringing and I wouldn't be comfortable with this. My home is my sanctuary and where I decompress. I wouldn't want other people letting themselves in willy nilly! I wouldn't care if dh was brought up with hippy/naturist style parents and he is unphased by them having open access to his house. The fact is, you are uncomfortable with this, therefore it needs to stop.
I would be having words with dh if I were you and I would be requesting the spare keys back, too.

And to all those posters saying "you should have said no then!" What absolute rubbish. Just because you have a mobile phone, doesn't mean you have to answer it. The fact that it is mobile and most likely goes everywhere with you doesn't mean it actually does go everywhere with you. Even if it is sitting right next to you, being six inches away from you doesn't mean you are available. It's the same as when someone rings your doorbell. You may very well be in, but you don't have to be available to anyone and so you certainly don't have to answer your door. You aren't obliged to be at anyone's beck and call when you are at home.
If a message is sent and no reply is given - the consent to enter the property has not been granted.
How long has he been doing this for - letting himself in? I would think about getting a camera installed....
How long has he been mowing the lawn for?

You need to calm down. You could have said no by replying to his text.

And it’s certainly not controlling to come over and cut a family member’s grass, having asked permission to do so. In fact it’s a helpful and considerate thing to do.

Sounds like someone is taking our their mother issues on the FIL.

I'd have a chat with your dh.
Say he spooked you and you don't mind the mowing ( if you dont) but you'd rather pin down a day rather than spur of the moment.

Also did Fil need to come inbthe house to get the mower.?

Sorry you’re being ridiculous. You chose to ignore him then he came over to do you a favour. Sounds incredibly selfish to me.

I'd be taking that off them tbh. I'd not be at all happy about them letting themselves in.