...to not be upset after leaving after 28 years together?

[Sheiloblige]

I’m pretty new to MN so please try and be kind.

I’ve left my DH after 28 years together.

I thought he was my soul mate, I was head over heels in love with him.

We’ve had our ups and downs like most, quite a few tragic events in our lives but come through them.

During lockdown (2020), we spent a lot of time in deep and candid conversation, and he confessed that 22 years ago (around 6 years after we got together), he’d had a brief fling with a colleague, amounting to a couple of ONS’s. When he told me it didn’t seem real, and I didn’t have much difficulty saying I forgave him. We haven’t discussed it much since, but it’s niggled away at me for 5 years now, and slowly but surely I have started to view him, and our relationship, and me very differently.

So on a whim, during last week, after coming into a modest windfall, I found myself a lovely flat, paid the deposit and 3 months’ rent up front and walked out, barely said a word. I just told him that while I love him very much, he’s destroyed our relationship and me. No acrimony, no bitterness or anger, all just very matter of fact.

He’s gutted but I’m not. He’s been tearful, begging me to go back, saying he’s sorry etc. I’ve ended up messaging him today saying I’m blocking his number for a while to stop him pestering me.

Our two kids are old enough to be independent, they know I’ve left but I haven’t told them why or where I am for the time being. They’re a bit miffed and seem to think there’s something wrong with me because I am not upset or emotional.

AIBU not to be upset, in fact quite the opposite, I feel quite liberated and happy. I do love DH and hope he finds happiness, but he’s not for me anymore.

He shoulda kept his mouth shut shouldn't he!

Of course, you can leave a relationship for any reason you like, especially when your children are grown up. I feel sorry for your DH though. What a massive shock for him after 28 years together and because of something he did 22 years ago.

I don't feel sorry for him. He lied to her for 22 years.

YANBU to leave but possibly being U not to tell your kids where you are. They don’t deserve to feel abandoned because of something between you and your husband.

As long as you are ok and feel better. It's early days. It may not have hit you yet. Or the backlash might upset you. You must have a lot of sorting out to do.

But life is precious. I can imagine you feel betrayed and even that he denied you of your freedom all those years ago by not telling you then..

I know when I left an 18 year relationship in my early 40s my only regret was that he had taken my best years.

I hope things work out for you how you want them too.
Adult children can be quite cross when this happens so look after yourself.x

If I was him, I wouldn't have been daft enough to tell you! You feel the way you feel about it, I'm not sure you can change that; it's not a gut reaction, it's been festering for 5 years.

Quite simply, youve done all the "upset", you've done all the why, the soul searching, and have probably gone over it a million times. Its a long time ago, so the pain although new when revealed isnt quite as raw but its given you enough to say "I'm worth more". And you are. As some think that keeping a secret is a good strategy, its the underlying respect that hits me, he cheated on you and lied all your relationship. Built on lies, not worth a jot. No need for animosity, but actions have consequences.

Good for you, good luck

More like he should have kept it in his pants

I would tell the kids where you are, it's not fair to drag them into it

On a whim? Really?

Of course, you can do what you like and no one can tell you how to feel, but did you not try and talk things through with your H first? I’m not surprised he is upset.

Boohoo. He wasn’t upset when he was dipping his pen in the company ink was he?
OP you owe him nothing.

He is the author of his own demise. It was 22 years ago, and lad culture was everywhere, nevertheless he made an immature choice and didn't put you first. You are allowed to make a choice and put yourself first.

Have lunch with the children, reassure them of your wellbeing.

How much of a windfall? Isn't everything 50/50 in a marriage?

I think it's unlikely you'll walk away from a 28 year marriage without feeling any fall out from it, so I would not assume that because you feel ok now, that this won't hit you at some point in the future.

I personally know I could not get over an infidelity, even from years ago. To me it would mean that the relationship I had when I didn't know about it, wasn't real somehow and the man I loved also wasn't real, because I didn't have the full picture off which to base that reality. So I can see why you've done what you've done.

The only misstep here is not telling your children where you are. As an adult child, i would be deeply unsettled and upset if my mother upped sticks but wouldn't share where to. I think you're risking damaging your relationship with them by doing that. I'd tell them but lay clear boundaries eg they're not to turn up with your husband / disclose to your husband.

Have you told them why you've left? That's another thing I'd share if not. Yes it's your marriage, but it'll still be a big deal to them that the family unit that they've had all their lives is no longer in tact. Don't underestimate how they'll feel about that. They'll have questions and I think they deserve answers to them.

I don't blame you OP and I wish you a fantastic future.

I think I would make it clear to your children that the marriage is over and you will be living independently now. You're safe and happy and will talk to them properly when you can.

She housed herself with the money, I doubt in the divorce they'll care about the funds she used to be able to live separately while it goes through. It doesn't sound like she had £100k that she's hidden to avoid it being taken into account in the divorce

The only thing I don't understand is why you aren't telling your kids where you are! It's not their fault.

I imagine she was either pregnant, had a baby or trying for a baby 22 years ago when he cheated if her children are now adults. He should have told her then, he held out for years before telling her, she's taken time processing and decided it's a deal breaker what he did to her, cheated and lied. Why should she talk it through with him if she doesn't want to? She's done nothing wrong, he can be upset, but that's down to his own actions which had consequences, tough shit

⬆️ exactly

it doesn't, but spin the table, and it would be a gambling or drug problem or another person on the side.

But hiding, or removing money that is jointly theirs, or maybe in the eyes of the law, could open her up to more accusations during divorce.

What age are your children ?

@Sheiloblige
You can have a BRAVO 👏 from me!
You owe him nothing, he's just discovered the meaning of "fuck around and find out"
Sounds like it's eaten away at you for 5 years, he should have told you at the time instead of waiting 22 yrs, you could have made a decision then either to move on or forgive him.
Good for you, enjoy your life, it's far too short as it is ❤️

Gambling, drug problem, another person on the side are not necessities. She isn't hiding the money, she could produce statements to show it was spent on a deposit and rent. Accusations will ultimately lead to nowhere when OP can prove what money came in and what it was used for. There are no fault divorces now, the court won't give a monkeys about the reason for the divorce

It sounds like it wasn't a whim more it took 5 years to happen. And that the extra money helped make it easier. You cant say you didnt give him a second chance as you did.
But like others have said im confused as to why you cant tell your children your new address? Are you not very close ?

Feels really cruel. I have young adult kids at university who would be very stressed and upset if I suddenly left the family home and did not tell them where I was going and why I had left. Awful.