...to not be upset after leaving after 28 years together?

[Sheiloblige]

I’m pretty new to MN so please try and be kind.

I’ve left my DH after 28 years together.

I thought he was my soul mate, I was head over heels in love with him.

We’ve had our ups and downs like most, quite a few tragic events in our lives but come through them.

During lockdown (2020), we spent a lot of time in deep and candid conversation, and he confessed that 22 years ago (around 6 years after we got together), he’d had a brief fling with a colleague, amounting to a couple of ONS’s. When he told me it didn’t seem real, and I didn’t have much difficulty saying I forgave him. We haven’t discussed it much since, but it’s niggled away at me for 5 years now, and slowly but surely I have started to view him, and our relationship, and me very differently.

So on a whim, during last week, after coming into a modest windfall, I found myself a lovely flat, paid the deposit and 3 months’ rent up front and walked out, barely said a word. I just told him that while I love him very much, he’s destroyed our relationship and me. No acrimony, no bitterness or anger, all just very matter of fact.

He’s gutted but I’m not. He’s been tearful, begging me to go back, saying he’s sorry etc. I’ve ended up messaging him today saying I’m blocking his number for a while to stop him pestering me.

Our two kids are old enough to be independent, they know I’ve left but I haven’t told them why or where I am for the time being. They’re a bit miffed and seem to think there’s something wrong with me because I am not upset or emotional.

AIBU not to be upset, in fact quite the opposite, I feel quite liberated and happy. I do love DH and hope he finds happiness, but he’s not for me anymore.

People who love their partners very much generally don't pull the plug so bloodlessly and finally, without any prior warning

I see a lot of posters who've been cheated on describe this very feeling- having the rug pulled out from under them mercilessly.
I imagine that's how the OP felt, having believed she'd enjoyed a long a d faithful marriage.
I wish more women were able to do this, as so many men get to carry on wilfully ruining relationships, partners and children.

You should tell your kids, they don’t have the full information here so of course they are confused.

Although you don’t need any reason really to end a relationship, but it explains why it’s pretty “sudden”

YABVU in the way you are treating your children. I assume you expect that they are going to side with him (and given how you have treated them all the more so I suspect).

I think they way you have dealt with this overall also comes across as quite underhand. Not as bad as your DH has been, and you are absolutely entitled to leave, but the way you have done it does not leave you smelling of roses.

I have to say that I am a bit perplexed that your DH dropped this absolute clanger on you five years ago and then when you didn't discuss it with him just thought "OK then, I'll just crack on". Wasn't he concerned about your emotional wellbeing?

Sounds like he only confessed to appease his guilty conscious rather than actually giving a hoot about the OP.

Leaving isn't at all unreasonable, but I think blocking him right now is, unless he means nothing at all to you now?

You've been processing the pain for 5 years - to him, this will have been a catastrophic shock.

Of course he brought it on himself - and technically you owe him very little since he's forced you to live a lie. Nevertheless I think it's a bit OTT to literally cut him off before he's had a chance to process any of it.

You don't say how much time you've spent talking to him so far, or whether you've fully explained the irrevocable impact of his confession on your love for him, your pain, your rage, and now your need to be alone.

But on the basis of what you've written I think what you're describing is the opposite of Hysterical Bonding - you're having a heightened sense of carefree liberation which isn't 'real', because of the pain/trauma - and probably a sense of being unable to 'live' as you had, but also of being utterly trapped - that you've experienced while dealing with his betrayal.

While he is an adult and has to reap what he sows, be careful that you don't alienate your children with what to them might seem the cavalier 'throwing away' of their childhood/family as they understand it. You will need to show them that you've been through terrible pain I think, otherwise you will seem to them cruel and callous - they might feel that someone has taken the mother they know and replaced her with an alien or bot.

I think by not telling your children where you are or why you've left you're really jeopardising your relationship with them. You're also potentially making them have every sympathy with your husband and none for you, which is going to be hard to come back from.

Yes they're adults but it's still going to be extremely difficult for them to deal with especially when for them it's come out of nowhere. They'll be worried about split loyalties, what will happen at Christmas etc, their family home, as well as dealing with the terrible shock of their parents' marriage disintegrating.

You need to be open with them. You're really not helping them at all at the moment. Presumably they're only in their early twenties which is still young to be dealing with the breakdown of their parents marriage and the repercussions.

I agree, you don't need to do any of those things, but it all goes against one party more; for all we know, she's renting a pad at 4k per month. All I'm saying is it's not black and white as it seems.

It'll all come out in the wash, no doubt.

Perhaps the Op has rented somewhere abroad to have a bit of me time.

No ex DH, no children

Some time to decide what to do next

I think you should tell your children something, even if its just to put their mind at rest

I would have left him also

It’s perfectly obvious OP cannot tell her adult offspring where she is, because the father will get that info out of them & pester her physically as well as by fone etc..

I mean op could be missing many things out of her post but I assume she isn't finding the most expensive property in the area as a means of reducing marital assets as she hasn't said so. So I've based my responses on the post. You seem to be assuming things that aren't there about lottery wins and her renting a mansion and hiding money. Unless the op states that, I'm not sure why there's a need to bring it up
You could also assume op had cheated on her husband, but I think.its safe to assume she hasn't or she'd have probably mentioned it

This

YANBU to leave him, but this is pretty shitty.

And blocking him to stop him texting you is perfectly acceptable behaviour.

Cheats often believe their wants or needs are more important than their spouses needs (for security, honesty, no risk of std from shagging around). Him not giving space is very relevant.

She has left for space. Him pestering her is yet another me me me example, this is often found in cheats. I’m sad, talk to me, soothe me, I don’t want to lose you. He chose to cheat. That was his decision. Op is choosing to no longer live with a cheat. That is her decision. She has presumably honoured her vows. He didn’t.

It can take a person 3-5 years to process and recover from cheating. It’s often Less time if you split up. It causes a form of PTSD (the only part missing is threat to life).

Personally I think affairs should not be romanticised. The impact should be discussed openly. They are not sexy or cool, it’s abusive. Putting a spouse at risk of an life altering std is abuse.

He didn’t protect their marriage 22 years ago. She’s decided not to protect their marriage now. The difference is he wanted to have his cake and eat it. She has told him it’s over.

I believe people can reconcile, however separation is just as valid.

I find it more psychopathic that he cheated on the OP and didn't tell her until 20 years later.... yano why? Because he knew she would leave. He took away that choice. This man has literally stolen years off this woman and basically tricked her unto staying with him, under the pretence that he was what she wanted in a relationship. It's actually sickening what he's done to her

No she hasn't upset the course of their future stop being dramatic.

Are you her husband 🤣

Perhaps her husband should be paying her rent for her half of the marital home, as he now has sole occupancy of their house? As his behaviour has led to her leaving him and having to house herself.

It catholic for them to confess, but sod the damage it does to the other person

Totally missing the point but isn’t the definition of a one night stand something that happens once? If it happens more then that’s just an affair.

sounds like you’ve processed, grieved and moved on so exh needs to catch up so I think you both need space but I’d agree to speak in 2 weeks when he’s had time. I think your expectations of him to be okay with it are rather unreasonable when he’s been blind sided.

Is it not the case that confessions are normally made to a priest rather than to the victim of the crime?
Edited to add: in my view this is not a confession, rather it is a failure of the man to suppress his impulse to brag about his sexual conquests.

It is not a whim. It's been brewing for 5 years. Her husband's affair caused the split so if you want to be all "what about the kids" try it on her husband

Sounds totally fair to leave but your surprise at the lack of feelings sounds like you’re not massively in touch with yourself right now, and the not wanting to tell your kids where you are is v avoidant. Same with your numb response at the time. I guess talking to the kids will bring you into contact with some stuff you may be trying to avoid right now.
please tell them where you are at least, even if you have to say you’re not ready to talk, otherwise you’ll cause them stress and potentially really damage your relationship

I think they might have meant cathartic rather than Catholic 😂

I assumed the poster meant cathartic not catholic.

Even so I'm inclined to see this as bragging not catharsis!

You don't have to justify anything you have done.

It strikes me that your subconscious has kind of taken over the decision-making for now, and is taking self-preserving action. It is getting you out of the situation, it is creating space for you to reflect and consider, it is putting up strong boundaries that you need to feel safe right now.

I also suspect that this is why you feel a bit numb - it's your subconscious doing all this and you're just kind of along for the ride. But by making this space for you, you can allow yourself to process all the long-felt and conflicting emotions that you need to process.

It may be that you feel differently in the future, it may not. But you can't figure how how you feel without having this space now.

When a family member of mine did something similar, they told us that they were OK, and would give us their side of the story in time. And that was enough - maybe this would be something that you could say to your kids.

Im also in a 30 year plus marriage with adult children and Yes, I would walk away if something like this came to light, because I would feel that I was living a lie.