...to not be upset after leaving after 28 years together?

[Sheiloblige]

I’m pretty new to MN so please try and be kind.

I’ve left my DH after 28 years together.

I thought he was my soul mate, I was head over heels in love with him.

We’ve had our ups and downs like most, quite a few tragic events in our lives but come through them.

During lockdown (2020), we spent a lot of time in deep and candid conversation, and he confessed that 22 years ago (around 6 years after we got together), he’d had a brief fling with a colleague, amounting to a couple of ONS’s. When he told me it didn’t seem real, and I didn’t have much difficulty saying I forgave him. We haven’t discussed it much since, but it’s niggled away at me for 5 years now, and slowly but surely I have started to view him, and our relationship, and me very differently.

So on a whim, during last week, after coming into a modest windfall, I found myself a lovely flat, paid the deposit and 3 months’ rent up front and walked out, barely said a word. I just told him that while I love him very much, he’s destroyed our relationship and me. No acrimony, no bitterness or anger, all just very matter of fact.

He’s gutted but I’m not. He’s been tearful, begging me to go back, saying he’s sorry etc. I’ve ended up messaging him today saying I’m blocking his number for a while to stop him pestering me.

Our two kids are old enough to be independent, they know I’ve left but I haven’t told them why or where I am for the time being. They’re a bit miffed and seem to think there’s something wrong with me because I am not upset or emotional.

AIBU not to be upset, in fact quite the opposite, I feel quite liberated and happy. I do love DH and hope he finds happiness, but he’s not for me anymore.

If I found out my DH cheated in the distant past I wouldn’t leave him. He however would leave me if I did the same. We just have very different views of marriage - his is romantic (and naive IMO) and mine is practical (and realistic IMO).

There are other reasons why he’s not a particularly great husband and I have the financial means to leave him, but the reasons for staying with him outweigh those for leaving.

i think it’s because I view him as a necessary facet of my life in addition to all the other facets, rather than my whole life. It’s people who think the latter who are most devastated by infidelity in my experience.

I wonder what the replies would be if a woman had posted that her DH had walked out after she confessed to a fling 22 years ago and vanished without telling his children where he was?

I was shocked by how easy the 'leaving my husband as a person' aspect of ending my marriage was, nearly 10 years ago now. We had been together 16 years. The adjustment in terms of family life and being away from my young children 50% of time were horrendous and I can hardly bare to think of it but I genuinely didn't and don't miss him. He did nothing terrible, I just didn't love him anymore and that was that. I bore him no malice, I was quite indifferent. If it's going to catch up with me, it's taking a while.

Others have it right, you've already done the ruminating and letting go long before actually leaving - you are inevitably further along than your ex husband so it's going to be hard for him. He'll see it as having come out of the blue and you as heartless. But as our couples therapist put it, you are no longer available to attend to his emotional needs. That's what a separation IS.

Same As here. Though I’d also be telling her I expect he would be unsure about his children’s paternity likely as well.

I don't see any man as a necessary facet to my life. I wouldn't say I'm super romantic/naive or see a man as my whole life. I would feel disrespected and I wouldn't see them as a beneficial part of my life if they cheated and lied to me and would therefore leave them. I would rather be single or take my chances of finding a man who wouldn't treat me in such a horrendous way.

My guess is so they don’t end up being put in the middle by having this knowledge and not sharing it with their Dad who op is concerned will turn up in person.

In which case perhaps the opposite of being cruel

I think you probably did all of your grieving in 2020, when you first found out about it. You forgave him, and you stayed for another five years to try and make it work. How much more could you have done? Forgiving someone for betraying you doesn’t mean that you have to stay with them and if your husband is now claiming to be blindsided because he thought his betrayal was forgotten as well as forgiven, then that’s on him.

And, if your first thought was to get your own flat and leave him, then I don’t think it was on a whim either; it sounds like this is something that has been bubbling away under the surface for a good few years and this is just the first opportunity you’ve had to start a new life. Bloody good for you. And I hope it proves to be the best thing you ever did in terms of you being happy.

In your shoes, I would be partially honest with your DC because they’re going to see their dad being all upset and think you’re to blame. And you don’t need that pressure. Tell them that you had a real problem in your marriage in 2020 and because you loved him so very much, you spent the next five years trying very hard to fix it, get over it and stay in love with him. Tell them that they didn’t see the pain he is now showing because you didn’t want to damage the relationship they have with him, so you kept it hidden. And while you still love him and want the best for him, the love you previously felt for him has died and you simply feel relief that you don’t have to be married to him anymore.

YANBU. I fantasise about doing similar and DP is a loving man I adore and no suggestion of infidelity.

Theres just something so enticing about a fresh start in a simpler lifestyle.

I will start my post by saying that cheating is a big no no for me. If you have come across my posts here on MN I always encourage people to come clean to their partners. And I don’t blame you for leaving your husband at all. It’s completely up to you. Some people can overcome cheating. Others can’t. I think it’s really up to them. The only thing I would say is your post came across as you have done this without your husband knowing - which is the only thing I would have advised again. From his perspective it has been 5 years and if you hadn’t really talked about it he probably presumed you had forgiven him - which can be a bit of a shock. At little bit like his affair would have been for you. But at the end of the day - you have to do what’s right for you. I would talk to your children however if they are adults they are old enough to understand. You don’t have to say he cheated if you don’t want to - you can always sanitise the story.

Well yes, and he's very possibly going to be giving them a long and self-serving sob story about how OP has been going slowly nuts, been hell to deal with these last 5 years, maybe had affairs of her own, etc etc. And while they will be unsure how much of this is true, if only one person is talking to them, that will inevitably have an effect, There is a huge first-mover advantage in these situations, and OP needs to get out in front of that ASAP. If DH poisons the well enough, anything OP says subsequently can be explained away as "Well, she would say that, wouldn't she? I told you, she's mental".

@Sheiloblige you wrote "Our two kids are old enough to be independent", but can I ask how old exactly? Mature 10 and 12 year olds who can think independently, or 18 and 20 who just haven't left home yet, or 22 and 24 living on their own?

I think you should tell your children where you are and the reason you’ve left, it seems totally unfair for them not to know where you are, regardless of being independent.
I’m kind of astonished he told you after all this time, I’m not sure I would have been able to move past it either…
Despite it being years ago, you’ve only known about it for 5 years so must feel like it happened recently, and by knowing that now it’s probably tainted, in your mind, everything that came after.
Why did he spill the beans? It can’t have been guilt because he would have told you before, candid frank conversations during Covid are one thing, but the time for him to confess should have been 22 years ago!
Tell your children where you are and then go out and live your best life.
It must have been quite a shock to find out he isn’t quite the soul mate you thought he was, by not telling you at the time he denied you the choice of staying or going, he can’t now decide he can offload that sort of Information without there being consequences…

Interestingly enough , I actually have the same view OP.

Well done for not letting the creepy bastard get away with it. Imagine lying to your face all those years, and all the other lies he will definitely have told you. I bet he didn't even get checked for gross diseases. What a pig, offloading his shit onto you and expecting you to move on.

He also stole your life. You would very probably not have stayed with him if you'd known. I am glad things worked out well for you anyway, but it was not his choice to make.

Obviously, you're not upset because you've had time to think about it and get over the horrible shock at his disgusting behaviour, time to grieve and time to move on.

Doormat women never allow themselves to accept the reality that sleazer men just cannot be trusted. Once a liar, always a liar, once a cheat, always a cheat. No reason at all to believe he didn't do it again and no reason at all to think he never would again.

And of course it would be precisely and exactly the same if the sexes were reversed.

I'm very pleased he was really upset. Nice to hear a bit of justice being delivered to a cheater for a change. But he'll be over that by now, it will just have been the shock and the annoyance of the inconvenience he's upset about. If he actually cared deeply about you he wouldn't have stuck his cock in another woman (or 2, 3 or 4 as is more likely).

Tell your kids why you left, of course. Just be factual and straightforward, no reason at all for you to lie to cover up his sleaziness.

Have a fantastic life, free of his grubby lies and safe in the knowledge that you did the right thing.

Well done OP, take no notice of the people saying they feel sorry for him, I hope you are very happy in your new life.
Do tell your children where you are though.

Correct. Sleazer men are liars, untrustworthy, disrespectful and in no way necessary or a positive part of a marriage. Cheaters of both sexes really disgust me, they're repulsively selfish and cruel. Nothing whatsoever about a cheater would make me want to stay and it has nothing to do with romance and everything to do with character.

It’s really cruel not to tell your children where you are. And weird. YABVU for that.

Oh and it's fine not to tell your kids where you are as it seems obvious it's because you don't want them to tell their father, or have to lie about it.

So long as they know you are safe, all good. Do tell them the reason though. Be factual and straightforward, or he'll paint you as cruel and unfair to them, when in fact he's just a creepy liar finally getting his comeuppance.

That’s probably why they posted, wanted to bask in the glory on here and be treated like a hero.

So yeah, well done again OP on doing the right thing. Enjoy your freedom.

I can see how such a confession would erode the relationship over time. It sounds like, when he confessed the purpose of the conversation was for him to tell you something that had been pressing on his consciousness, and you responded to that by accepting what he said and telling him you forgave him as was expected. But for a confession like that to be done properly it needs to be done in a way that is about you, not him. That gives you the space to think about what it means to you, about how you really feel about it, etc. And that’s what you’ve been doing over the last 5 years. That’s not unreasonable. He’d had 17(?) years to think about it and your relationship and decide what he things is worthwhile, you can take 5. He’s blindsided because he thought that conversation was the limit of the consequences of his actions and he’d got everything he wanted - the casual sex when it had suited him, and a loving wife who, ultimately, didn’t mind that he’d betrayed her. But he was wrong. Hs actions poisoned his marriage and now he’s paying the price for having broken the contract, albeit late in the day.

And 5 years of thinking about it gives you time to break away and go through, at least some of, the grief you might have felt if you’d done it immediately. Hence the lack of upset. You may find you get upset down the line (though you may not). You have lost a marriage and working through grief, though normally most difficult and consuming at the start, isn’t linear.

I’m glad for you that your windfall gave you the power to make choices you’d wanted but felt were unavailable. Hope it was an inheritance you can keep from the family assets when you divorce!

I think not telling your kids where you are is a bit weird, unless you’re concerned they’ll tell your ex-DH. They aren’t the ones who hurt you and it makes it seem more like you’re running away than just leaving a man who cheated on you. They don’t deserve to feel like they’ve lost you.

Maybe that's the one he felt safe telling OP about. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Good riddance.

I think you need to tell your children exactly why you left. Are your kids likely to tell your ex where you are, if he asks? If so, it’s fine for them not to have your new address.

I don’t blame you at all for leaving such a cheating scumbag.

Makes me think of this quote. "Trust is like a glass; once broken, it will never be the same again"

You should tell your kids where you are OP. That's just terrible parenting not to tell them.

It’s more psychopathic to fuck a colleague when you have a wife and children, lie about it for years until you randomly decide to you want to tell, most likely to ease your own guilt.