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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not be upset after leaving after 28 years together?

231 replies

Sheiloblige · 18/09/2025 12:32

I’m pretty new to MN so please try and be kind.

I’ve left my DH after 28 years together.

I thought he was my soul mate, I was head over heels in love with him.

We’ve had our ups and downs like most, quite a few tragic events in our lives but come through them.

During lockdown (2020), we spent a lot of time in deep and candid conversation, and he confessed that 22 years ago (around 6 years after we got together), he’d had a brief fling with a colleague, amounting to a couple of ONS’s. When he told me it didn’t seem real, and I didn’t have much difficulty saying I forgave him. We haven’t discussed it much since, but it’s niggled away at me for 5 years now, and slowly but surely I have started to view him, and our relationship, and me very differently.

So on a whim, during last week, after coming into a modest windfall, I found myself a lovely flat, paid the deposit and 3 months’ rent up front and walked out, barely said a word. I just told him that while I love him very much, he’s destroyed our relationship and me. No acrimony, no bitterness or anger, all just very matter of fact.

He’s gutted but I’m not. He’s been tearful, begging me to go back, saying he’s sorry etc. I’ve ended up messaging him today saying I’m blocking his number for a while to stop him pestering me.

Our two kids are old enough to be independent, they know I’ve left but I haven’t told them why or where I am for the time being. They’re a bit miffed and seem to think there’s something wrong with me because I am not upset or emotional.

AIBU not to be upset, in fact quite the opposite, I feel quite liberated and happy. I do love DH and hope he finds happiness, but he’s not for me anymore.

OP posts:
SirRaymondClench · 18/09/2025 15:39

L00n · 18/09/2025 12:35

He shoulda kept his mouth shut shouldn't he!

No, he shouldn't have shagged some colleague is what he should have done.

Didimum · 18/09/2025 15:39

I highly doubt that was the first and only time he'd been unfaithful.

Catwalking · 18/09/2025 15:45

Didimum · 18/09/2025 15:39

I highly doubt that was the first and only time he'd been unfaithful.

me 2!!

Luckyingame · 18/09/2025 15:46

Eh, go and live your own life, you have done enough for others.

Mapletree1985 · 18/09/2025 15:52

Sheiloblige · 18/09/2025 12:32

I’m pretty new to MN so please try and be kind.

I’ve left my DH after 28 years together.

I thought he was my soul mate, I was head over heels in love with him.

We’ve had our ups and downs like most, quite a few tragic events in our lives but come through them.

During lockdown (2020), we spent a lot of time in deep and candid conversation, and he confessed that 22 years ago (around 6 years after we got together), he’d had a brief fling with a colleague, amounting to a couple of ONS’s. When he told me it didn’t seem real, and I didn’t have much difficulty saying I forgave him. We haven’t discussed it much since, but it’s niggled away at me for 5 years now, and slowly but surely I have started to view him, and our relationship, and me very differently.

So on a whim, during last week, after coming into a modest windfall, I found myself a lovely flat, paid the deposit and 3 months’ rent up front and walked out, barely said a word. I just told him that while I love him very much, he’s destroyed our relationship and me. No acrimony, no bitterness or anger, all just very matter of fact.

He’s gutted but I’m not. He’s been tearful, begging me to go back, saying he’s sorry etc. I’ve ended up messaging him today saying I’m blocking his number for a while to stop him pestering me.

Our two kids are old enough to be independent, they know I’ve left but I haven’t told them why or where I am for the time being. They’re a bit miffed and seem to think there’s something wrong with me because I am not upset or emotional.

AIBU not to be upset, in fact quite the opposite, I feel quite liberated and happy. I do love DH and hope he finds happiness, but he’s not for me anymore.

You can do whatever feels best for you, and so, of course, can everyone else. If your kids decide they're not happy with this choice you've made, and take their dad's side, well, that's what they have decided is best for them. Hopefully it won't come to that.

The ruthlessness with which you've achieved your dream feels a little cruel, but perhaps there was no other way.

TheSwarm · 18/09/2025 15:57

You are of course free to make your own choices and decisions.

But it's a pretty cold way to behave, especially towards your kids. Sure, they are adults but to not even tell them where you have moved to is pretty extreme. You are punishing/worrying them for no fault on their part.

Peculiah · 18/09/2025 16:01

It might be worth considering some therapy to process these feelings. It sounds like you have buried your emotions so deeply, that they’re not even fully accessible to you. And I wonder if there’s more to that?

It is quite an unusual, and even extreme thing to do. And for the sake of your dc, learning to deal with big emotions in real time, is worth learning.

Best of luck @Sheiloblige

Larrypitt · 18/09/2025 16:04

If that’s how you feel, that’s how you feel. You’re entitled to your feelings.

I don’t really get it, though. You "love him very much" but you want to punish him and never live with him again for something he did 22 years ago? You say he has "destroyed your relationship" but you presumably lived happily with him for the last 22 years? If you felt that strongly when he first told you about it, why didn’t you make that clear to him then?

And why not tell your chikdren where you are and what’s going on? They must be terribly worried you’re having some kind of breakdown.

OldOrMaybeNotThatOld · 18/09/2025 16:13

It would be very selfish of him to simply think that because time has passed and therefore you should get over it. There is no doubt that it changes things and not least, feeling like you were robbed of the opportunity to have made a different choice for yourself all those years ago had you known then. You are allowed to grieve for the life you may have had or to feel like you’ve lived a lie. There is no statute of limitations on the hurt you are entitled to feel and how you deal with that. Good luck and do what needs to be done to find peace.

Original poster
Sheiloblige · 18/09/2025 16:19

Thanks for all the comments.Just to put the record straight:

  • We’re not married. I refer to him as DH as I don’t know how else to.
  • Our kids (two of them) are both in their 20’s. They know I’ve moved out, that I’m safe and happy and that I’m local. I haven’t given them my address yet because I don’t want him coming around.
  • The windfall that paid the deposit and rent was entirely mine (settlement of a claim I wasn’t expecting).
  • He’s in the house, mortgage paid off and he earns very well and keeps his income to himself, he’ll be absolutely fine financially, and TBH I don’t care if he keeps the house and his salary. I’m just glad to be free.
  • Yes it was 21-22 years ago he was unfaithful. But he told me in 2020, did he confess out of some moral consciousness? I doubt it? Heaven’s only knows what he was thinking when he told me. But for dropping his guard, having had a drink and us being very chilled in the garden late at night during that hot lockdown summer I don’t think he’d have ever let slip. Having done so he realised I was so on to his bullshit excuses back in the day so he couldn’t possibly conceal it.
  • Why have I left it 5 years? Well for one, the kids have gone through school and uni. ‘WE’ have paid off the mortgage, I say ‘we’ but mostly me because he’s shit with money despite a 6 figure salary. For two, I’m not enjoying being with him. For the past 5 years the images of them together are really vivid, clear and traumatic. If I mention it it’s like nothing to him and he tries awkwardly to avoid it (which makes me think there is more to tell). It’s ruined any enjoyment from sex or intimacy for me and I’m not getting any younger (mid fifties). For three, why not? I’ve tried to live with it for 5 years, but I can’t. I keep seeing stuff on social media where people say they don’t get over it like 20 years later. Well I don’t want that to be me, 5 years has been agony and honestly, I’ve slept so well this past week I realise now I haven’t been sleeping with the anxiety and trauma of it going round in my head constantly.
  • I don’t wish him any ill, I hope he comes to terms with it and we can both move on and find peace. But I never would have if I’d stayed. I don’t feel guilty, compromised or selfish at all, just liberated but appreciate what I’ve done divides opinion. But if you’re the victim of cheating, and it’s eating you up like it did me, my advice is be brave and do what’s right for you.
OP posts:
RuttleTuttle · 18/09/2025 16:25

(which makes me think there is more to tell)

There will be OP, there will be. Well done you for moving on from this.

fastingforweightloss · 18/09/2025 16:30

I left a 20 year marriage for similar reasons. I found out he'd cheated, and it took me 4 years to leave - by then I had totally processed things and wasn't upset at all. I actually met my now DH just 8 weeks later. That was 17 years ago. I have never regretted it.

Zilla1 · 18/09/2025 16:35

For PPs saying he's being punished for something he did 22 years ago, isn't it the case 21 years ago he didn't tell the OP so she could have the choice to start a new life when she was younger. And 20 years ago he didn't tell her..... And 19 years...

For some but not all actions, I'm not sure it happening a long time ago is a complete argument for being unreasonable not accepting something in the past.

Also, did he tell her five years ago to make himself feel better and ease his conscience rather than the OPs benefit?

lessglittermoremud · 18/09/2025 16:35

Whilst at the moment you don’t care if he keeps the house, unless you are independently wealthy to the point it’s of little consequence to you I would ask him to buy you out or the house be sold and split 50/50.

AphroditesSeashell · 18/09/2025 16:37

Sheiloblige · 18/09/2025 16:19

Thanks for all the comments.Just to put the record straight:

  • We’re not married. I refer to him as DH as I don’t know how else to.
  • Our kids (two of them) are both in their 20’s. They know I’ve moved out, that I’m safe and happy and that I’m local. I haven’t given them my address yet because I don’t want him coming around.
  • The windfall that paid the deposit and rent was entirely mine (settlement of a claim I wasn’t expecting).
  • He’s in the house, mortgage paid off and he earns very well and keeps his income to himself, he’ll be absolutely fine financially, and TBH I don’t care if he keeps the house and his salary. I’m just glad to be free.
  • Yes it was 21-22 years ago he was unfaithful. But he told me in 2020, did he confess out of some moral consciousness? I doubt it? Heaven’s only knows what he was thinking when he told me. But for dropping his guard, having had a drink and us being very chilled in the garden late at night during that hot lockdown summer I don’t think he’d have ever let slip. Having done so he realised I was so on to his bullshit excuses back in the day so he couldn’t possibly conceal it.
  • Why have I left it 5 years? Well for one, the kids have gone through school and uni. ‘WE’ have paid off the mortgage, I say ‘we’ but mostly me because he’s shit with money despite a 6 figure salary. For two, I’m not enjoying being with him. For the past 5 years the images of them together are really vivid, clear and traumatic. If I mention it it’s like nothing to him and he tries awkwardly to avoid it (which makes me think there is more to tell). It’s ruined any enjoyment from sex or intimacy for me and I’m not getting any younger (mid fifties). For three, why not? I’ve tried to live with it for 5 years, but I can’t. I keep seeing stuff on social media where people say they don’t get over it like 20 years later. Well I don’t want that to be me, 5 years has been agony and honestly, I’ve slept so well this past week I realise now I haven’t been sleeping with the anxiety and trauma of it going round in my head constantly.
  • I don’t wish him any ill, I hope he comes to terms with it and we can both move on and find peace. But I never would have if I’d stayed. I don’t feel guilty, compromised or selfish at all, just liberated but appreciate what I’ve done divides opinion. But if you’re the victim of cheating, and it’s eating you up like it did me, my advice is be brave and do what’s right for you.

It's easy at the moment to say you don't care if he takes all of the house. That's anger and maybe a tinge of guilt speaking.

Push through that and get what you deserve and are owed from this relationship. If not for yourself, then for your kids to get as an inheritance down the line.

Fair chance he'll have another woman on the go in a matter of months. We read all the time on here of men marrying again and the new wife taking everything, the kids being overlooked etc. Save yourself and the kids that kind of aggravation and work out your finances properly.

Boomer55 · 18/09/2025 16:40

Sheiloblige · 18/09/2025 12:32

I’m pretty new to MN so please try and be kind.

I’ve left my DH after 28 years together.

I thought he was my soul mate, I was head over heels in love with him.

We’ve had our ups and downs like most, quite a few tragic events in our lives but come through them.

During lockdown (2020), we spent a lot of time in deep and candid conversation, and he confessed that 22 years ago (around 6 years after we got together), he’d had a brief fling with a colleague, amounting to a couple of ONS’s. When he told me it didn’t seem real, and I didn’t have much difficulty saying I forgave him. We haven’t discussed it much since, but it’s niggled away at me for 5 years now, and slowly but surely I have started to view him, and our relationship, and me very differently.

So on a whim, during last week, after coming into a modest windfall, I found myself a lovely flat, paid the deposit and 3 months’ rent up front and walked out, barely said a word. I just told him that while I love him very much, he’s destroyed our relationship and me. No acrimony, no bitterness or anger, all just very matter of fact.

He’s gutted but I’m not. He’s been tearful, begging me to go back, saying he’s sorry etc. I’ve ended up messaging him today saying I’m blocking his number for a while to stop him pestering me.

Our two kids are old enough to be independent, they know I’ve left but I haven’t told them why or where I am for the time being. They’re a bit miffed and seem to think there’s something wrong with me because I am not upset or emotional.

AIBU not to be upset, in fact quite the opposite, I feel quite liberated and happy. I do love DH and hope he finds happiness, but he’s not for me anymore.

I left my first husband after 28 years. No abuse or anything. The marriage has just run its course. The fall out lasted a while. 🤷‍♀️

Izzywizzy85 · 18/09/2025 16:49

OP you sound amazing. Your update makes things very clear. You’ve made a brave decision and I’m so glad you feel peace. Fuck your ex and I’m glad you didn’t share your windfall (despite the pathetic misogynistic man in this thread telling you otherwise!)

Freeme31 · 18/09/2025 16:51

I admire you OP if someone cheats they should know that the “victim “ can leave whenever they wish it’s entirely up to them -he now has to live with the consequence of cheating- he didn’t think of that as he was taking up with some “bint” from work, more disgusting that she meant nothing to him so he was happy for a shag & the risk of loosing his family, even more disgusting that he’s shown you what he thinks of not just you but women in general . Good luck to you OP you’re doing whats best for you and just because you have changed your mind and don’t want to be married to a “cheat” who couldn’t even confess at the time (what if he’d given you an STI) you had no choices, now he has none. He broke this relationship not you. Stay strong you have done nothing wrong at all.

Omgblueskys · 18/09/2025 16:58

Wow op, i get it, you waited you sat it out, and now you have peace, own space, thinking of you only, you enjoy this chapter op,
god its nice to here your story,

so many are stuck with no way out for whatever reason but you have done it,
Well bloody done op 👏

UnctuousUnicorns · 18/09/2025 17:09

ApricotCheesecake · 18/09/2025 12:36

Of course, you can leave a relationship for any reason you like, especially when your children are grown up. I feel sorry for your DH though. What a massive shock for him after 28 years together and because of something he did 22 years ago.

This ist just about breaking the OP's favourite mug and lying about it. He's spent the last 22 years lying to the OP that he's been faithful to her, when he hasn't. Their whole marriage has been based on a lie. The OP is well shut of him.

WeeGeeBored · 18/09/2025 17:10

DameSylvieKrin · 18/09/2025 13:39

Stop saying you've done it on a whim. You've given it 5 years of thought and it seems you are sure now.
He's decided firstly to cheat and secondly to tell you. If that's broken something that, on reflection, can't be fixed, that's on him.

Yes, if that was his only indiscretion he should have carried the affair to the grave. He waited for two decades probably thinking that meant it was long enough ago for her not to leave him, which means that he gave her no choice. Well, she took control and made the choice. Serves him right. She owes him nothing.

unsync · 18/09/2025 18:22

Well done @Sheiloblige. Please get legal advice now about making sure you get what is rightfully yours. You may not need it now, but one day it may be useful. There's retirement to think about. I divorced after 25 years and it was the best thing I've ever done.

OriginalUsername2 · 18/09/2025 18:58

unsync · 18/09/2025 18:22

Well done @Sheiloblige. Please get legal advice now about making sure you get what is rightfully yours. You may not need it now, but one day it may be useful. There's retirement to think about. I divorced after 25 years and it was the best thing I've ever done.

This. Think of all the hours of work you put in to pay off that mortgage.

SleepQuest33 · 18/09/2025 19:06

Gosh, you sound very cold hearted to be honest. After 28 years you don’t feel anything?

buymeflowers · 18/09/2025 19:08

Good for you OP, I had my suspicions about my now soon to be exH about 3.5 years ago and spent those years slowly falling out of love with him until there was nothing left.

Leaving as been hard as we have young DC and there’s a massive financial impact on me but I cannot wait to be out of this marriage for good. I’ve never had a moments true peace in those years and I can’t wait for that part of my new life.