Page 9 | ...to not be upset after leaving after 28 years together?

ForNoisyCat · 19/09/2025 19:32

Sheiloblige · 18/09/2025 12:32

I’m pretty new to MN so please try and be kind.

I’ve left my DH after 28 years together.

I thought he was my soul mate, I was head over heels in love with him.

We’ve had our ups and downs like most, quite a few tragic events in our lives but come through them.

During lockdown (2020), we spent a lot of time in deep and candid conversation, and he confessed that 22 years ago (around 6 years after we got together), he’d had a brief fling with a colleague, amounting to a couple of ONS’s. When he told me it didn’t seem real, and I didn’t have much difficulty saying I forgave him. We haven’t discussed it much since, but it’s niggled away at me for 5 years now, and slowly but surely I have started to view him, and our relationship, and me very differently.

So on a whim, during last week, after coming into a modest windfall, I found myself a lovely flat, paid the deposit and 3 months’ rent up front and walked out, barely said a word. I just told him that while I love him very much, he’s destroyed our relationship and me. No acrimony, no bitterness or anger, all just very matter of fact.

He’s gutted but I’m not. He’s been tearful, begging me to go back, saying he’s sorry etc. I’ve ended up messaging him today saying I’m blocking his number for a while to stop him pestering me.

Our two kids are old enough to be independent, they know I’ve left but I haven’t told them why or where I am for the time being. They’re a bit miffed and seem to think there’s something wrong with me because I am not upset or emotional.

AIBU not to be upset, in fact quite the opposite, I feel quite liberated and happy. I do love DH and hope he finds happiness, but he’s not for me anymore.

I think you are not being unreasonable in not feeling sad but I do think it’s very unreasonable to not let your children know where you are. This could really damage your relationship either way them. Well done though for getting away as that obviously what you want.

ElizaJ74 · 19/09/2025 20:04

toomuchfaff · 18/09/2025 12:41

Quite simply, youve done all the "upset", you've done all the why, the soul searching, and have probably gone over it a million times. Its a long time ago, so the pain although new when revealed isnt quite as raw but its given you enough to say "I'm worth more". And you are. As some think that keeping a secret is a good strategy, its the underlying respect that hits me, he cheated on you and lied all your relationship. Built on lies, not worth a jot. No need for animosity, but actions have consequences.

Good for you, good luck

This! Absolutely this!!
Well done, I hope you continue to feel liberated and lighter.
When it's over you know it. Why waste another precious second in something that isn't for you

Harrysmum61 · 19/09/2025 20:13

He should have kept it in his trousers

MellersSmellers · 19/09/2025 20:40

Well, the fact you've walked away and not looked back says it all really. Your marriage was over and it's taken you 5 years to realise it. No-one can say you're unreasonable. Its just how you feel.

Blueytwo · 19/09/2025 21:04

Lot of judgy people on here . .

Life is messy. Talking helps hugely. Brewing over something that happened all those years ago and was confessed 5 years ago in what we all acknowledge was a febrile time is so sad, on both sides.

There was much much more to OP leaving than a long ago infidelity, however hurtful that was. I am sad for them both that the decision to leave was not discussed and the children told.

Good luck and every good wish OP. I hope when the initial feeling of liberation wears off that subsequent years are as happy as you feel now and you know you made the right decisions.

CloudPop · 19/09/2025 21:15

Blueytwo · 19/09/2025 21:04

Lot of judgy people on here . .

Life is messy. Talking helps hugely. Brewing over something that happened all those years ago and was confessed 5 years ago in what we all acknowledge was a febrile time is so sad, on both sides.

There was much much more to OP leaving than a long ago infidelity, however hurtful that was. I am sad for them both that the decision to leave was not discussed and the children told.

Good luck and every good wish OP. I hope when the initial feeling of liberation wears off that subsequent years are as happy as you feel now and you know you made the right decisions.

Hear hear

LouiseK93 · 19/09/2025 21:18

Seconded. A long period of time does not erase what took place!

Whatsallthisthen2025 · 19/09/2025 21:25

Whatsallthisthen2025 · 19/09/2025 12:25

Yes, the OP would not have stayed with him if he had not deliberately deceived her for many years. He stole her right to make her own choice and almost cerrtainly threatened her sexual health, as do all cheaters.

Edited

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And as all cheaters are - without any exceptions - lying, manipulative, abusive, self serving pieces of shit, you cannot possibly know how many other times he lied to you. The character of a cheater is that of an abusive scum bag and that's why they always try to minimise their abuse.

So glad you left the grubby prick. Do make sure your kids know you are safe and do tell them why you left, of course. He's a piece of shit and once he realises he is actually getting his just deserts he'll try to make it your fault you did the right thing.

Pessismistic · 19/09/2025 21:33

Hi op you probably grieved your marriage back then decided to stay for the kids and this money has given you the opportunity to flee good for you. I hope your life is a happy one and he will eventually get over it he seemed ok to shag someone else when he was supposedly in love with you. Don’t feel guilty.

DollydaydreamTheThird · 19/09/2025 21:35

Tunacheesequesadilla · 18/09/2025 12:37

I don't feel sorry for him. He lied to her for 22 years.

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Me neither you reap what you sow.
OP live life for you now. Screw everyone else's opinions.

UnctuousUnicorns · 19/09/2025 23:33

GiveDogBone · 19/09/2025 18:19

There’s nothing wrong with ending a relationship. But the way you have done it is really shitty for both your husband and your children.

Try and put yourself in their shoes and think how they feel.

Nah. He should have thought about that before he fucked another woman before his partner's - and the mother of his children - back. The end of the relationship is 100% on him. Disgusting disrespect. Nobody should have to tolerate this, and the OP has decided she won't. All power to her.

Laurmolonlabe · 19/09/2025 23:56

I understand your reaction to his admission, what I don't understand is forgiving him, but then after 5 years , planning and executing leaving him in the cruellest way imaginable without a single regret.
All I can say is if that is how you process, perhaps your DH has had a lucky escape. A longer affair and maybe he'd be dead in a ditch.

WeeGeeBored · 20/09/2025 00:25

Sheiloblige · 19/09/2025 16:01

Oh gosh @MelBrookesMyHero and others on here that have been through it, thanks for your messages and support. What tips can I give you to keep your shit together? I really don’t know TBH. I’ll try and say a few things I’ve learned, in no particular order:

Know that it’s okay to leave when you are ready. Whether that’s tomorrow or in 5 years it’s fine.

In the meantime become much more selfish. My aunt once caught her DH out. She told me that from that day on she ‘played the fiddle and he did the dancing’ and he spent the rest of his days running around after her. She spent like a millionaire and got everything she demanded.

When you become more selfish and demanding you might not see your DH’s ‘true self’, but you’ll see the clues as to what they’re really like. E.g. I turned off the sex tap and I got to decide when we were having sex, not him. But it took me about 3 years to get there. He’d go into a sulk and play the victim. When you realise they’re not what you thought they were, then it becomes much easier to separate the practical from the emotional.

It’s okay to admit to yourself that you’re not over it, and maybe will never get over it.I wrestled with this for years, believing there was something wrong with me that I couldn’t just put it behind us and forgive and forget. Recently I started to realise I was never going to forget it, and for as long as he was in the same house as me I’d have a daily reminder, almost like opening your work calendar every day and seeing it there – “Monday – reminder – DH was fking around on you”. “Tuesday - reminder – DH was fking around on you etc”.

Know that if your OH avoids talking about it when you want to, or won’t share the details, or have remarkable memory loss, then they’re highly likely to be concealing something more. I can’t prove there were others, but the BS he gave me around the ONS’s that he had to confess to is so unbelievable that the credibility of accounts of other occasions I suspect he was unfaithful is seriously doubtful.

Unlike others are saying on here, I think telling the kids the detail is a no no for me.My DH was unfaithful on me and for that he’s an arsehole. But he’s not a bad Dad, in fact he’s a very good one.Ruining their relationship with him is not a punishment commensurate with his wrongdoing. Neither do I want the kids, me, nor him to be the subject of gossip. It has been difficult not telling anyone. MN has been a great release, and I do intend to find some sort of self-help group to be able to talk about it in person. If he wants to tell the kids that’s up to him.

When you’re in a position to go, just go. A bit like a parachute jump (if ever you’ve done one), just leap. Don’t ask for a conversation or discussion, that will just be emotional and distressing. As much as people think I was cold in doing what I did, it had to be that way or I would have changed my mind.

I’ve been 7 nights away now and I have slept well. I’m having fish and chips for my tea tonight, out of the paper, with a brew. I might not wash my cup til tomorrow. I’ll watch what I want, may take a sh*t with the bathroom door open. Tomorrow I’ll go shopping for soft furnishings and will throw myself into my new project. As for DH, I know he’ll be alright, perhaps now he might dwell on it, but I guarantee it won’t take him 5 years to get over it like it has me!

I hope that helps.

Show quote history

You’re free at last, op.

Hopingtobeaparent · 20/09/2025 07:26

Sheiloblige · 19/09/2025 16:01

Oh gosh @MelBrookesMyHero and others on here that have been through it, thanks for your messages and support. What tips can I give you to keep your shit together? I really don’t know TBH. I’ll try and say a few things I’ve learned, in no particular order:

Know that it’s okay to leave when you are ready. Whether that’s tomorrow or in 5 years it’s fine.

In the meantime become much more selfish. My aunt once caught her DH out. She told me that from that day on she ‘played the fiddle and he did the dancing’ and he spent the rest of his days running around after her. She spent like a millionaire and got everything she demanded.

When you become more selfish and demanding you might not see your DH’s ‘true self’, but you’ll see the clues as to what they’re really like. E.g. I turned off the sex tap and I got to decide when we were having sex, not him. But it took me about 3 years to get there. He’d go into a sulk and play the victim. When you realise they’re not what you thought they were, then it becomes much easier to separate the practical from the emotional.

It’s okay to admit to yourself that you’re not over it, and maybe will never get over it.I wrestled with this for years, believing there was something wrong with me that I couldn’t just put it behind us and forgive and forget. Recently I started to realise I was never going to forget it, and for as long as he was in the same house as me I’d have a daily reminder, almost like opening your work calendar every day and seeing it there – “Monday – reminder – DH was fking around on you”. “Tuesday - reminder – DH was fking around on you etc”.

Know that if your OH avoids talking about it when you want to, or won’t share the details, or have remarkable memory loss, then they’re highly likely to be concealing something more. I can’t prove there were others, but the BS he gave me around the ONS’s that he had to confess to is so unbelievable that the credibility of accounts of other occasions I suspect he was unfaithful is seriously doubtful.

Unlike others are saying on here, I think telling the kids the detail is a no no for me.My DH was unfaithful on me and for that he’s an arsehole. But he’s not a bad Dad, in fact he’s a very good one.Ruining their relationship with him is not a punishment commensurate with his wrongdoing. Neither do I want the kids, me, nor him to be the subject of gossip. It has been difficult not telling anyone. MN has been a great release, and I do intend to find some sort of self-help group to be able to talk about it in person. If he wants to tell the kids that’s up to him.

When you’re in a position to go, just go. A bit like a parachute jump (if ever you’ve done one), just leap. Don’t ask for a conversation or discussion, that will just be emotional and distressing. As much as people think I was cold in doing what I did, it had to be that way or I would have changed my mind.

I’ve been 7 nights away now and I have slept well. I’m having fish and chips for my tea tonight, out of the paper, with a brew. I might not wash my cup til tomorrow. I’ll watch what I want, may take a sh*t with the bathroom door open. Tomorrow I’ll go shopping for soft furnishings and will throw myself into my new project. As for DH, I know he’ll be alright, perhaps now he might dwell on it, but I guarantee it won’t take him 5 years to get over it like it has me!

I hope that helps.

Show quote history

@Sheiloblige

Wow, thank you for sharing. And well done!

I was just going to say, please don’t give him your future financial security. You’re entitled to half the house, like you say, he earns well, he’ll be ok, but his inability to manage money doesn’t also need to be your problem.

You may not want the fight, and not yet, but please don’t let him have that.

Enjoy your new life!!

JJMama · 20/09/2025 07:47

You’ve totally done the right thing; life is too short to stay with someone who can’t tell you the truth and has betrayed you.

The fact you feel okay about it proves you’ve done the right thing! I would tell your children though, when the time is right but soon.

Enjoy your fresh start!

Whatsallthisthen2025 · 20/09/2025 10:11

UnctuousUnicorns · 19/09/2025 23:33

Nah. He should have thought about that before he fucked another woman before his partner's - and the mother of his children - back. The end of the relationship is 100% on him. Disgusting disrespect. Nobody should have to tolerate this, and the OP has decided she won't. All power to her.

Show quote history

100 percent this. Don't stick your penis in strange women if you don't want your wife to have the perfect reason to leave you at her own leisure, with zero guilt.

Whatsallthisthen2025 · 20/09/2025 10:12

Laurmolonlabe · 19/09/2025 23:56

I understand your reaction to his admission, what I don't understand is forgiving him, but then after 5 years , planning and executing leaving him in the cruellest way imaginable without a single regret.
All I can say is if that is how you process, perhaps your DH has had a lucky escape. A longer affair and maybe he'd be dead in a ditch.

Nah. You sound like you have a murder fetish. OP sounds like a good woman who took as long as she needed to process her cunt of a husband's unforgiveable betrayal.

Dweetfidilove · 20/09/2025 10:15

AphroditesSeashell · 18/09/2025 16:37

It's easy at the moment to say you don't care if he takes all of the house. That's anger and maybe a tinge of guilt speaking.

Push through that and get what you deserve and are owed from this relationship. If not for yourself, then for your kids to get as an inheritance down the line.

Fair chance he'll have another woman on the go in a matter of months. We read all the time on here of men marrying again and the new wife taking everything, the kids being overlooked etc. Save yourself and the kids that kind of aggravation and work out your finances properly.

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I agree with this. You don't deserve to walk away empty-handed. He broke this, not you.

Whatsallthisthen2025 · 20/09/2025 10:23

Sheiloblige · 19/09/2025 16:01

Oh gosh @MelBrookesMyHero and others on here that have been through it, thanks for your messages and support. What tips can I give you to keep your shit together? I really don’t know TBH. I’ll try and say a few things I’ve learned, in no particular order:

Know that it’s okay to leave when you are ready. Whether that’s tomorrow or in 5 years it’s fine.

In the meantime become much more selfish. My aunt once caught her DH out. She told me that from that day on she ‘played the fiddle and he did the dancing’ and he spent the rest of his days running around after her. She spent like a millionaire and got everything she demanded.

When you become more selfish and demanding you might not see your DH’s ‘true self’, but you’ll see the clues as to what they’re really like. E.g. I turned off the sex tap and I got to decide when we were having sex, not him. But it took me about 3 years to get there. He’d go into a sulk and play the victim. When you realise they’re not what you thought they were, then it becomes much easier to separate the practical from the emotional.

It’s okay to admit to yourself that you’re not over it, and maybe will never get over it.I wrestled with this for years, believing there was something wrong with me that I couldn’t just put it behind us and forgive and forget. Recently I started to realise I was never going to forget it, and for as long as he was in the same house as me I’d have a daily reminder, almost like opening your work calendar every day and seeing it there – “Monday – reminder – DH was fking around on you”. “Tuesday - reminder – DH was fking around on you etc”.

Know that if your OH avoids talking about it when you want to, or won’t share the details, or have remarkable memory loss, then they’re highly likely to be concealing something more. I can’t prove there were others, but the BS he gave me around the ONS’s that he had to confess to is so unbelievable that the credibility of accounts of other occasions I suspect he was unfaithful is seriously doubtful.

Unlike others are saying on here, I think telling the kids the detail is a no no for me.My DH was unfaithful on me and for that he’s an arsehole. But he’s not a bad Dad, in fact he’s a very good one.Ruining their relationship with him is not a punishment commensurate with his wrongdoing. Neither do I want the kids, me, nor him to be the subject of gossip. It has been difficult not telling anyone. MN has been a great release, and I do intend to find some sort of self-help group to be able to talk about it in person. If he wants to tell the kids that’s up to him.

When you’re in a position to go, just go. A bit like a parachute jump (if ever you’ve done one), just leap. Don’t ask for a conversation or discussion, that will just be emotional and distressing. As much as people think I was cold in doing what I did, it had to be that way or I would have changed my mind.

I’ve been 7 nights away now and I have slept well. I’m having fish and chips for my tea tonight, out of the paper, with a brew. I might not wash my cup til tomorrow. I’ll watch what I want, may take a sh*t with the bathroom door open. Tomorrow I’ll go shopping for soft furnishings and will throw myself into my new project. As for DH, I know he’ll be alright, perhaps now he might dwell on it, but I guarantee it won’t take him 5 years to get over it like it has me!

I hope that helps.

Show quote history

Not telling your children the truth is a huge mistake. Huge. Please listen.

Your ex is a liar and a manipulative, selfish creep. He is super entitled. That goes for all cheaters, of course.

Soon he will find his rage. You were supposed to be too soft and weak to leave him. He is stunned at the moment and still thinks he can get you to come back.

In about another month, it will be your fault. He will be FURIOUS. He is not your friend. Nothing you had together was real. He is a liar who fucked around on you and stole your choices.

He certainly won't tell the truth to anyone at all. This is your only chance to do so. You will be gossiped about no matter what. The only thing you can control about that is clearly, simply and as unemotionally as possible letting people know what actually happened.

If you do not tell your children the truth he will absolutely definitely and with 10 percent certainty manipulate your kids. He will harm your relationship with them out of spite and out of self pity.

You do not understand what men are like when you leave them. You are about to find out.

Tell your kids the basics. Tell them you are safe. Go and see them and make absolutely certain they are 100 percent on your side by explaining that he hurt you terribly and you simply could no longer stay.

Yes. There are sides. Yes. You need to do this.

Your relationship with your children depends on this. Your ex will try to hurt you, very soon.

And for the love of God, see a laywer and sort your finances, please.

You are living in a fairytale where you think you can just be kind to one another. This. Will. Not. Happen.

I hope I can make you hear me. You will regret this terribly.

Dweetfidilove · 20/09/2025 10:27

Sheiloblige · 19/09/2025 16:01

Oh gosh @MelBrookesMyHero and others on here that have been through it, thanks for your messages and support. What tips can I give you to keep your shit together? I really don’t know TBH. I’ll try and say a few things I’ve learned, in no particular order:

Know that it’s okay to leave when you are ready. Whether that’s tomorrow or in 5 years it’s fine.

In the meantime become much more selfish. My aunt once caught her DH out. She told me that from that day on she ‘played the fiddle and he did the dancing’ and he spent the rest of his days running around after her. She spent like a millionaire and got everything she demanded.

When you become more selfish and demanding you might not see your DH’s ‘true self’, but you’ll see the clues as to what they’re really like. E.g. I turned off the sex tap and I got to decide when we were having sex, not him. But it took me about 3 years to get there. He’d go into a sulk and play the victim. When you realise they’re not what you thought they were, then it becomes much easier to separate the practical from the emotional.

It’s okay to admit to yourself that you’re not over it, and maybe will never get over it.I wrestled with this for years, believing there was something wrong with me that I couldn’t just put it behind us and forgive and forget. Recently I started to realise I was never going to forget it, and for as long as he was in the same house as me I’d have a daily reminder, almost like opening your work calendar every day and seeing it there – “Monday – reminder – DH was fking around on you”. “Tuesday - reminder – DH was fking around on you etc”.

Know that if your OH avoids talking about it when you want to, or won’t share the details, or have remarkable memory loss, then they’re highly likely to be concealing something more. I can’t prove there were others, but the BS he gave me around the ONS’s that he had to confess to is so unbelievable that the credibility of accounts of other occasions I suspect he was unfaithful is seriously doubtful.

Unlike others are saying on here, I think telling the kids the detail is a no no for me.My DH was unfaithful on me and for that he’s an arsehole. But he’s not a bad Dad, in fact he’s a very good one.Ruining their relationship with him is not a punishment commensurate with his wrongdoing. Neither do I want the kids, me, nor him to be the subject of gossip. It has been difficult not telling anyone. MN has been a great release, and I do intend to find some sort of self-help group to be able to talk about it in person. If he wants to tell the kids that’s up to him.

When you’re in a position to go, just go. A bit like a parachute jump (if ever you’ve done one), just leap. Don’t ask for a conversation or discussion, that will just be emotional and distressing. As much as people think I was cold in doing what I did, it had to be that way or I would have changed my mind.

I’ve been 7 nights away now and I have slept well. I’m having fish and chips for my tea tonight, out of the paper, with a brew. I might not wash my cup til tomorrow. I’ll watch what I want, may take a sh*t with the bathroom door open. Tomorrow I’ll go shopping for soft furnishings and will throw myself into my new project. As for DH, I know he’ll be alright, perhaps now he might dwell on it, but I guarantee it won’t take him 5 years to get over it like it has me!

I hope that helps.

Show quote history

You are truly inspirational and I hope you go on to have a wonderful life. 💐

Whatsallthisthen2025 · 20/09/2025 10:32