Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not be upset after leaving after 28 years together?

231 replies

Sheiloblige · 18/09/2025 12:32

I’m pretty new to MN so please try and be kind.

I’ve left my DH after 28 years together.

I thought he was my soul mate, I was head over heels in love with him.

We’ve had our ups and downs like most, quite a few tragic events in our lives but come through them.

During lockdown (2020), we spent a lot of time in deep and candid conversation, and he confessed that 22 years ago (around 6 years after we got together), he’d had a brief fling with a colleague, amounting to a couple of ONS’s. When he told me it didn’t seem real, and I didn’t have much difficulty saying I forgave him. We haven’t discussed it much since, but it’s niggled away at me for 5 years now, and slowly but surely I have started to view him, and our relationship, and me very differently.

So on a whim, during last week, after coming into a modest windfall, I found myself a lovely flat, paid the deposit and 3 months’ rent up front and walked out, barely said a word. I just told him that while I love him very much, he’s destroyed our relationship and me. No acrimony, no bitterness or anger, all just very matter of fact.

He’s gutted but I’m not. He’s been tearful, begging me to go back, saying he’s sorry etc. I’ve ended up messaging him today saying I’m blocking his number for a while to stop him pestering me.

Our two kids are old enough to be independent, they know I’ve left but I haven’t told them why or where I am for the time being. They’re a bit miffed and seem to think there’s something wrong with me because I am not upset or emotional.

AIBU not to be upset, in fact quite the opposite, I feel quite liberated and happy. I do love DH and hope he finds happiness, but he’s not for me anymore.

OP posts:
PerfectP1zzaPineapple · 18/09/2025 13:03

Ops actions show that she is unhappy

I think it is good that she has had the opportunity to leave

Why should she stay & be in a miserable marriage

Good for you enjoy your freedom

File for divorce

MelBrookesMyHero · 18/09/2025 13:04

I wish I had your courage, the means and be in the position to do what you've done.It's only about 6 months since it came out my OH was unfaithful some years ago. I don't have the means to find my own place and our kids aren't as grown up as yours sound. But hopefully, one day 🤞.I totally get what you say about it destroying all that's good in a relationship, and it eating away at you every day. If anything, finding out years later is worse. Good on you and good luck.

rainbowsparkle28 · 18/09/2025 13:05

Good for you and choosing your own peace and happiness. You have no doubt processed the loss and end of your relationship whilst still together ultimately, hence now you are not distraught.

Probably a cliche but reminds me of the Taylor Swift song….

”I forgot that you existed
And I thought that it would kill me, but it didn’t
And it was so nice
So peaceful and quiet
I forgot that you existed
It isn’t love, it isn’t hate, it’s just indifference”

Luddite26 · 18/09/2025 13:06

ApricotCheesecake · 18/09/2025 12:36

Of course, you can leave a relationship for any reason you like, especially when your children are grown up. I feel sorry for your DH though. What a massive shock for him after 28 years together and because of something he did 22 years ago.

There's always one.

JustMyView13 · 18/09/2025 13:08

When a man cheats on you, you reserve the right to end that relationship and the moment that suits you. And never before. Whether that’s immediately, following a brief period, or a number of years later. It’s even ok to stay in the relationship whilst you figure out what your future looks like. It is he that cheated, not you. He obviously wanted to absolve himself of the guilt, that’s why he told you. Shame on him for throwing his marriage away for a few ‘ONS’. (Note that a ONS is, by definition a one off - and not a few. That is an affair, however brief).

Congratulations on the new place! Enjoy finding everything where you left it, and no pee around the toilet.

ChangingWeight · 18/09/2025 13:10

To be honest I don’t understand why women keep coy about these things to their adult children. They’re not going to think you’re crazy if you tell them what’s happened, you’re blocking them from accessing the full picture

40YearOldDad · 18/09/2025 13:12

Juniperberry55 · 18/09/2025 13:00

Gambling, drug problem, another person on the side are not necessities. She isn't hiding the money, she could produce statements to show it was spent on a deposit and rent. Accusations will ultimately lead to nowhere when OP can prove what money came in and what it was used for. There are no fault divorces now, the court won't give a monkeys about the reason for the divorce

Show quote history

how do you know she's not hiding the money?

It also depends on what type of windfall it was, to me a 'windfall' suggests a win, perhaps the lottery, this, espically given the length of the marriage, would be considered a marital asset.

I think the courts would be very interested.

Butchyrestingface · 18/09/2025 13:12

Our two kids are old enough to be independent, they know I’ve left but I haven’t told them why or where I am for the time being.

If my mother had just upped sticks without warning and refused to tell me where she was, I'd be very, very worried too. Probably would have thought she was having some kind of breakdown.

I know you said you had no difficulty in saying you forgave him after the big reveal, but you clearly didn't (fine). Equally, you say you still love him very much but it's clear that you don't (also fine). People who love their partners very much generally don't pull the plug so bloodlessly and finally, without any prior warning. I do wonder whether you stuck around with him because it was comfortable until something better came along (the windfall).

BettysRoasties · 18/09/2025 13:12

I’d let your children know where you are.

But him? Nah he betrayed you then years later confessed to ease his conscience he must of been over the moon when you seemed to forgive so easily.

You’ve tried for 5 years to work though it but you can’t so you’ve left. That’s fair.

Enjoy your new home.

scatterolight · 18/09/2025 13:14

I find this quite psychopathic tbh. Your poor kids. Adults or not you've completely upset the whole course of their future lives on a whim. You've let self righteous anger overwhelm you rather than doing the responsible thing and talking it through with your husband.

But 'you go girl' and all that shit I guess.

Tunacheesequesadilla · 18/09/2025 13:15

40YearOldDad · 18/09/2025 13:12

how do you know she's not hiding the money?

It also depends on what type of windfall it was, to me a 'windfall' suggests a win, perhaps the lottery, this, espically given the length of the marriage, would be considered a marital asset.

I think the courts would be very interested.

Show quote history

You're wrong 🤷‍♀️. She hasn't said anything about hiding money. She's allowed to use money to pay for her accomodation, the same as when the man moves out of the family home.

BettysRoasties · 18/09/2025 13:16

scatterolight · 18/09/2025 13:14

I find this quite psychopathic tbh. Your poor kids. Adults or not you've completely upset the whole course of their future lives on a whim. You've let self righteous anger overwhelm you rather than doing the responsible thing and talking it through with your husband.

But 'you go girl' and all that shit I guess.

He kind of lost the right to have a talk it through conversation when he decided sticking his dick else were was the answer rather than a conversation all Those years ago.

hydriotaphia · 18/09/2025 13:16

Nothing to stop you leaving your husband if you feel your marriage is over, but the not telling the children is worrying to me. Not only will it be very stressful to them, but it does kind of suggest you might not be in such a good place mentally as you say? Why has it been so difficult to tell them where you are? Do you think you may be feeling a bit numb and in shock. Look after yourself.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/09/2025 13:17

The thing is, by not telling you about the “fling” at the time, he manipulated you into having that relationship for so many years that you may or may not have chosen had you known.

By telling you when he did, I bet he felt lovely and free and as though a weigh had been lifted. But what he essentially did was pass that weight on to you.

Having had the fling and decided not to tell you at the time, he should have taken the secret to his grave, however much it weighed on him. It was his burden to carry.

Of course you can’t view him the same way now you know. He’s not the person you thought he was.

That all said, I wonder if there were other issues that were causing you to resent the relationship slowly over the years?

GingerPaste · 18/09/2025 13:17

Well done!

PermanentTemporary · 18/09/2025 13:17

It does seem an extreme reaction to a couple of ONSs a lifetime ago. But any long marriage will contain a lot of compromises and restrictions as well as the good stuff, and maybe you just don’t see why you should do that any more. Hope you are ok.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 18/09/2025 13:17

I’m not surprised your kids think there’s something wrong with you. Why punish your kids by refusing to tell them where you are? That’s cruel.

FairyBatman · 18/09/2025 13:17

YANBU to leave, or to feel how you feel, YABU not to tell your kids where you are and talk to them about it. Even if they are adults they will still have feelings about their parents separating.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/09/2025 13:18

You do need to let your child know though

OriginalUsername2 · 18/09/2025 13:20

5 years isn't a whim, really.

But like PPs have said, please tell your children you’re okay and not to worry.

Izzywizzy85 · 18/09/2025 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TalulaHalulah · 18/09/2025 13:22

Columbidae · 18/09/2025 12:53

I don't blame you OP and I wish you a fantastic future.

I think I would make it clear to your children that the marriage is over and you will be living independently now. You're safe and happy and will talk to them properly when you can.

Edited

I would agree with this.
You are an adult and you do not have to disclose your whereabouts to anybody. But it is important to let the DC know you are okay and it is not anything they have done.

Juniperberry55 · 18/09/2025 13:24

40YearOldDad · 18/09/2025 13:12

how do you know she's not hiding the money?

It also depends on what type of windfall it was, to me a 'windfall' suggests a win, perhaps the lottery, this, espically given the length of the marriage, would be considered a marital asset.

I think the courts would be very interested.

Show quote history

I doubt it's a significant sum of money as the op states it was a 'modest windfall' which suggests maybe a few thousand not hundreds of thousands of £s otherwise I'd imagine she'd buy a flat rather than rent one

The courts may be interested in how much she had and what it was spent on, but if it was a few grand and spent on housing herself, they are not going to consider that as hiding assets in a divorce.
I don't know if she's hiding any money, but as she hasn't mentioned it, I'm going to assume she hasn't. Why do you think she is hiding money?

40YearOldDad · 18/09/2025 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

yet you replied?

TalulaHalulah · 18/09/2025 13:28

The OP has left the marital home and is renting because she has not been able to come to terms with a betrayal which was hidden for 22 years.
I hardly think she is going to be the one who is financially better off, especially if she has also the one who has spent much of those 22 years raising children.