...to not be upset after leaving after 28 years together?

[Sheiloblige]

I’m pretty new to MN so please try and be kind.

I’ve left my DH after 28 years together.

I thought he was my soul mate, I was head over heels in love with him.

We’ve had our ups and downs like most, quite a few tragic events in our lives but come through them.

During lockdown (2020), we spent a lot of time in deep and candid conversation, and he confessed that 22 years ago (around 6 years after we got together), he’d had a brief fling with a colleague, amounting to a couple of ONS’s. When he told me it didn’t seem real, and I didn’t have much difficulty saying I forgave him. We haven’t discussed it much since, but it’s niggled away at me for 5 years now, and slowly but surely I have started to view him, and our relationship, and me very differently.

So on a whim, during last week, after coming into a modest windfall, I found myself a lovely flat, paid the deposit and 3 months’ rent up front and walked out, barely said a word. I just told him that while I love him very much, he’s destroyed our relationship and me. No acrimony, no bitterness or anger, all just very matter of fact.

He’s gutted but I’m not. He’s been tearful, begging me to go back, saying he’s sorry etc. I’ve ended up messaging him today saying I’m blocking his number for a while to stop him pestering me.

Our two kids are old enough to be independent, they know I’ve left but I haven’t told them why or where I am for the time being. They’re a bit miffed and seem to think there’s something wrong with me because I am not upset or emotional.

AIBU not to be upset, in fact quite the opposite, I feel quite liberated and happy. I do love DH and hope he finds happiness, but he’s not for me anymore.

It all seems a bit odd to me. There must have been other stuff in the relationship you weren't happy with. i've been married to my DH for nearly 30 years and I'd be pretty pissed off if I found out he'd had an affair in the early days but I can't imagine walking away at this stage of our lives.

If it was now or recent I would but not 22 years ago! Were you honestly that happy before this revelation?

I also have adult DCs who have moved out and I would tell them, don't leave them in the dark about this as it does affect them hugely. Mine would be very upset.

I don't blame you OP. And whatever he admitted to, was probably worse. It generally is, as we see on here often.

What are you planning on doing after the 3 months ? Do you have the means to carry on paying the rent, if so fair enough.

The fact you havent told the kids where you are would suggest that maybe after the 3 months you are planning to go back to the family home, and what you are doing now is a punishment to him rather than you leaving.

I smell a reverse. No-one describes their own drastic actions like this as 'a whim' or dismisses their kids like this.

Come on, 'fess up, OP.

She is allowed to use money for these reasons, but it doesn't mean that it wouldn't be taken into consideration during a divorce.

Simply, as far as the info we have, she has taken this windfall ( for all we know is 5k) and unexpectedly started the process of divorce; she's not under any threat, there's been no conflict, etc, she has decided to move out and potentially used joint money to do that. It's not as black and white as you're trying to state by just saying ' you're wrong' when I'm not; I'm merely pointing out what could happen.

Good for you !

You may think / believe you have forgiven, but clearly you have not ' forgotten '.
thus you could not move on from that.

Invite the children round to visit / have dinner.

Do you plan on them living with you during and after the divorce ?

Will the family home be sold for your 50% or can / will he buy you out ?

Well if her husband’s left her because she cheated. Then good on him. Also dna test those adult children…

Oh I do love a powerful woman.

Well done. You’ve lived under a cloud for the last few years and finally found your voice.

I expect you’re taking time to process and settle your mind and in due course Im sure you’ll tell the kids.

In the meantime, enjoy your new freedom and relaaax away from the push/pull feelings his confession of infidelity generated. More women should play their cards close to their chest like you and simply bug**r off if they can.

Yes! You go girl. 💐

This and he did not have to tell you.
I think it is important to have some time out but don't make any big decisions yet.

I suspect she just needs some time to herself for a while. The kids might leak to DH and she needs to be away from him. Probably from all of them. I imagine she has given her life to taking cafe of them. Surely it is OK for her to have some quality time alone for now. She never got a chance to really process what he told her 5 years ago, now she has the opportunity to reflect. I bet a lot of things are going to fall into place. I wonder if that was the only time he cheated.

Good luck, OP, What you are doing sounds amazing. It's great that you could afford to do that. Many women can't. Very well done.

Well, you've had 5 years to get your head around the end of this marriage, a different future for yourself, and obviously to envisage and plan a life without him. It's come as a surprise to everyone else.

After this many years and adult children, I don't think it's a bad thing to explain what you've done and why. Regardless of the circumstances, you've had nearly 3 decades and will always be in each other's lives for the rest of your lives.

He's made you live a lie for over 20 years, to me that's unforgiveable. But you can act decently, and blocking him isn't decent imo.

Sorry he did this to you. I don't know how I'd go on with this type of betrayal.

Stop saying you've done it on a whim. You've given it 5 years of thought and it seems you are sure now.
He's decided firstly to cheat and secondly to tell you. If that's broken something that, on reflection, can't be fixed, that's on him.

The Dh can tell the children why she left

Shoulda kept his pants on more like it.

It wasn't just a one off betrayal 22 years ago . Every day since he has been living a lie and you've known it for only 5 years. So for 5 years you have had to live with the knowledge that most of your married life has this huge secret in the background . Cheating and then deception. No wonder you left when you had the funds to do so . I envy you . But do tell your kids please and fo tell them why . They are adults, they can handle it . I sure as hell wouldn't let him away with any we grew apart story .

I didn't say she's hiding money, I said it could open her up to possible accusations in the future, espically if it's a lot of money.

It may not sound like it, but I'm on the OP's side to an extent. But also mindful that if this is a significant amount of money, it's probably getting split 50/50 anyway.

If my DH said he forgave me over something that happened 22 years ago, didn't mention it for another five years, then suddenly left without warning and refused to talk to me or tell me where he was, I'd be totally devastated.

Sure, cheating is wrong, but I think the way you left is cruel.

This. How can you treat your children like that?

I haven't voted, because I'm sorry for your kids, but not your husband.

While his infidelity was 22 years ago, it would've been brand new for the OP when he told her about it. 6 years is around the time people usually take to process the cheating and make a firm decision as to the rest of their life.
It's good OP has a way out. Much better than being stuck, miserable and festering.

So if you hadn't had the windfall, you'd still be living with him?

Well done!

maybe you just need some alone time to properly process what he admitted.

You don't have to live in the same house together until you divorce., you don't need to prove that he was a threat to her, for it to be accepted that she can live in a separate property to her soon to be ex husband.
Plenty of people live separately whilst the divorce is going through
No court would consider renting somewhere separate as hiding assets or misappropriation of joint funds to lower her finances for the divorce. It doesn't sound like she's trying to avoid splitting the money. She'll also be buying groceries I imagine so she can eat with what you consider 'joint money', housing and food etc are necessities and op won't be told off by the courts for purchasing these things

The financial split will be sorted in the divorce proceedings. I'm gonna go out on a whim and guess that op probably won't care if she has a couple of thousand deducted from her split because she rented elsewhere if it means she no longer has to be married to this man, even if it is highly unlikely the court would do this.

I guess the guilt of lying for 22 years got to him. He had processed his choices and had no doubt minimised them for 22 years.

However it was brand new info to you.

The books - Cheating in a nutshell and Betrayal Bind - may help you process op.

I wish you happiness and peace.

Why should she care about accusations, as long as she can prove what money came in and what went out 🤷 I could accuse someone of stealing all my money, but I imagine no-one would act on it unless I could prove it was true. As long as she doesn't lie, she'll be fine
Why do you think it's a lot of money when op has said it was modest and used for a rental deposit and a few months rent?