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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My exes and finances

268 replies

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 21:51

New poster here.
I have 2 DDs aged 15 and 7, they have different dads. My eldest sees her dad every other weekend Saturday and Sunday and he pays me just over £550 a month in maintenance. My other DD sees her dad every Friday after school until Monday morning when he drops her off at school. Until 18 months ago he used to pay me £250 a month as he has 2 children from his new wife at home as well which meant what my daughter gets went down.

His wife has a great job and is the breadwinner in the home. 18 months ago he decided to stop working and instead is staying at home with the kids meaning I was getting nothing. I spoke to his wife about this and she said that they already pay for her gymnastics and art class and thinks that more than covers an acceptable amount. They were already paying these though and I was getting £250 a month on top.

I have just found out that he has won some form of claim against his ex employer and is about to receive £190,000. I messaged him saying some of that money is mine for his daughter and he can’t just ignore her. He has responded saying that the money is not for that and I am not entitled to anything. I told him that I am out £4500 over the last 18 months through no fault of my own and should be entitled to some money. I asked if he is planning on going back to work soon and he said it looks unlikely. I personally think if he can’t work then he shouldn’t be looking after my DD but he wasn’t happy with me saying this.

AIBU to think that I should be entitled to some of the payout from his ex employer. This is money for lost earnings and I lost earnings whilst he wasn’t working.

OP posts:
Whaleandsnail6 · 17/09/2025 22:20

What do you mean by if he can't work he shouldn't look after his daughter?

Hopefully he will put some of his money away to spend on his daughter in the future.

You only have your daughter one extra night to him...could he up it to 4 nights every other week so its 50/50?

ToKittyornottoKitty · 17/09/2025 22:28

He already looks after his daughter, I’m struggling to see why you’d want to give him more time when he already has every weekend with her, don’t you ever want weekend time with her? Messaging your ex to tell him ‘some of that money is mine’ was clearly never going to get you anywhere, who would agree to someone talking to them like that?

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 22:30

Whaleandsnail6 · 17/09/2025 22:20

What do you mean by if he can't work he shouldn't look after his daughter?

Hopefully he will put some of his money away to spend on his daughter in the future.

You only have your daughter one extra night to him...could he up it to 4 nights every other week so its 50/50?

He can’t be bothered to work so how can he possibly be responsible enough to look after her.

My daughter doesn’t like change so wouldn’t want to change the arrangement she has had in place for 5 years.

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 17/09/2025 22:31

Again, he already is responsibly looking after her! Being a stay at home dad doesn’t mean he’s not good at looking after his own kid.

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 22:31

ToKittyornottoKitty · 17/09/2025 22:28

He already looks after his daughter, I’m struggling to see why you’d want to give him more time when he already has every weekend with her, don’t you ever want weekend time with her? Messaging your ex to tell him ‘some of that money is mine’ was clearly never going to get you anywhere, who would agree to someone talking to them like that?

I put it much nicer than that, I explained that it is backpay for the missed maintenance as it isn’t my fault he isn’t working and his daughter is missing out because I am missing that money every month.

OP posts:
NoahDia · 17/09/2025 22:32

I personally think if he can’t work then he shouldn’t be looking after my DD but he wasn’t happy with me saying this.

I'm not surprised, it's pretty spiteful.

Your daughter isn't a pawn.

user593 · 17/09/2025 22:32

YABU, it would be nice if he spent some of that money on his daughter but your attitude is appalling.

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 22:33

ToKittyornottoKitty · 17/09/2025 22:31

Again, he already is responsibly looking after her! Being a stay at home dad doesn’t mean he’s not good at looking after his own kid.

Why should I miss out on my maintenance because he doesn’t want to work. He has nice holidays every year and lives in a nice house because his new wife works in a good job. Yet we are missing out.

OP posts:
Whateverwillwedonow · 17/09/2025 22:33

Your choice of words says an awful lot.
He should be paying for his child but you seem more interested in what YOU are owed.

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 22:34

user593 · 17/09/2025 22:32

YABU, it would be nice if he spent some of that money on his daughter but your attitude is appalling.

I am happy for him to spend his money but surely I should receive backpay for my missed maintenance. It is not my fault he won’t go to work.

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 17/09/2025 22:34

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 22:33

Why should I miss out on my maintenance because he doesn’t want to work. He has nice holidays every year and lives in a nice house because his new wife works in a good job. Yet we are missing out.

He only has her one night a week less than you anyway so it’s not like you’d be owed much maintenance if he did work. He legally doesn’t owe you anything

MummytoE · 17/09/2025 22:37

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 22:34

I am happy for him to spend his money but surely I should receive backpay for my missed maintenance. It is not my fault he won’t go to work.

It's not YOUR maintenance

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 22:38

ToKittyornottoKitty · 17/09/2025 22:34

He only has her one night a week less than you anyway so it’s not like you’d be owed much maintenance if he did work. He legally doesn’t owe you anything

How though? He has received this money for missed earnings. How can what I’m owed be considered missed earnings? It works out at £4500 based on what I’ve missed out on.

He said the money is for payments he’s struggled with over the past 18 months which should surely include me. I have rent and other bills to pay as well.

He said it’s not his fault that he was in an accident at work but it’s also not my fault. I feel like he’s treating me unfairly.

OP posts:
Whateverwillwedonow · 17/09/2025 22:38

Do you work @Exandstress ?

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 22:39

Whateverwillwedonow · 17/09/2025 22:38

Do you work @Exandstress ?

Not that it is relevant but I currently work 15 hours a week in Tesco. I cannot work anymore as I have 2 children and I am a single mum.

OP posts:
NebulousWhistler · 17/09/2025 22:40

Do you work, OP?

You sound quite bitter. Part of me can understand why though; why don’t you just apply via the courts for maintenance?

InterIgnis · 17/09/2025 22:40

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 22:33

Why should I miss out on my maintenance because he doesn’t want to work. He has nice holidays every year and lives in a nice house because his new wife works in a good job. Yet we are missing out.

Because the law says you have little choice but to accept that if he has no income then he owes no maintenance.

What his wife makes is irrelevant, stepparents are not responsible for paying maintenance.

user593 · 17/09/2025 22:40

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 22:34

I am happy for him to spend his money but surely I should receive backpay for my missed maintenance. It is not my fault he won’t go to work.

He was clearly in an unpleasant situation if he was paid £190k in settlement. His wife and him have obviously made a decision that they can afford for him to be a stay at home dad. It’s not that he ‘won’t go to work’. He also has your DD three days a week. As I said, it would be nice if he spent some of that money on your DD, maybe he will spend it on her when he has her on weekends, but I doubt he has to give it to you and I can appreciate why he might not want to given your attitude.

Whateverwillwedonow · 17/09/2025 22:40

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 22:38

How though? He has received this money for missed earnings. How can what I’m owed be considered missed earnings? It works out at £4500 based on what I’ve missed out on.

He said the money is for payments he’s struggled with over the past 18 months which should surely include me. I have rent and other bills to pay as well.

He said it’s not his fault that he was in an accident at work but it’s also not my fault. I feel like he’s treating me unfairly.

I’ve fixed some typos for you

How though? He has received this money for missed earnings. How can what my daughter owed be considered missed earnings? It works out at £4500 based on what my daughter missed out on.
He said the money is for payments he’s struggled with over the past 18 months which should surely include my daughter. I have rent and other bills to pay as well.
He said it’s not his fault that he was in an accident at work but it’s also not my fault. I feel like he’s treating my daughter unfairly.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 17/09/2025 22:40

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 22:38

How though? He has received this money for missed earnings. How can what I’m owed be considered missed earnings? It works out at £4500 based on what I’ve missed out on.

He said the money is for payments he’s struggled with over the past 18 months which should surely include me. I have rent and other bills to pay as well.

He said it’s not his fault that he was in an accident at work but it’s also not my fault. I feel like he’s treating me unfairly.

Then go moan to CMS about it. Compensation for a work accident that’s resulted in him not working isn’t owed to you though. Why ruin your coparenting over it?

MummytoE · 17/09/2025 22:41

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 22:39

Not that it is relevant but I currently work 15 hours a week in Tesco. I cannot work anymore as I have 2 children and I am a single mum.

You are not a single mum. You co parent. Your attitude is appalling all round

beeautifullif3 · 17/09/2025 22:43

Wow 👌 you really got it made haven't you lol babies for money 🤣 perfect example of why soooo many men dont want any kids anymore lol

ToKittyornottoKitty · 17/09/2025 22:45

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 22:39

Not that it is relevant but I currently work 15 hours a week in Tesco. I cannot work anymore as I have 2 children and I am a single mum.

You can work school hours, weekends, and you can pay for childcare. It’s not his problem you want to rely on his money rather than earning more of your own.

apostrophewoman · 17/09/2025 22:45

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 22:39

Not that it is relevant but I currently work 15 hours a week in Tesco. I cannot work anymore as I have 2 children and I am a single mum.

Why can’t you work any more if your kids are in school full time? Especially with one a 15 year old and one at her dad’s every weekend. You could work virtually full time and make up that missing £250 easily. Unless you can’t be bothered because it would mess with your UC 🤔

Exandstress · 17/09/2025 22:46

MummytoE · 17/09/2025 22:41

You are not a single mum. You co parent. Your attitude is appalling all round

I am a single mum. I have 2 children at home and I have no partner so I am a single mum.

OP posts: