My exes and finances

[Exandstress]

New poster here.
I have 2 DDs aged 15 and 7, they have different dads. My eldest sees her dad every other weekend Saturday and Sunday and he pays me just over £550 a month in maintenance. My other DD sees her dad every Friday after school until Monday morning when he drops her off at school. Until 18 months ago he used to pay me £250 a month as he has 2 children from his new wife at home as well which meant what my daughter gets went down.

His wife has a great job and is the breadwinner in the home. 18 months ago he decided to stop working and instead is staying at home with the kids meaning I was getting nothing. I spoke to his wife about this and she said that they already pay for her gymnastics and art class and thinks that more than covers an acceptable amount. They were already paying these though and I was getting £250 a month on top.

I have just found out that he has won some form of claim against his ex employer and is about to receive £190,000. I messaged him saying some of that money is mine for his daughter and he can’t just ignore her. He has responded saying that the money is not for that and I am not entitled to anything. I told him that I am out £4500 over the last 18 months through no fault of my own and should be entitled to some money. I asked if he is planning on going back to work soon and he said it looks unlikely. I personally think if he can’t work then he shouldn’t be looking after my DD but he wasn’t happy with me saying this.

AIBU to think that I should be entitled to some of the payout from his ex employer. This is money for lost earnings and I lost earnings whilst he wasn’t working.

This is an interesting one. Could it be that, as he has your DD the same amount of time as you (weekends are more full time than weekdays) then you call it quits on the money? If he had her one more day, would you have to pay maintenance towards him for his care of your DD? Just putting it out there for people to consider.

He’s lost the use of one side of his body, has a strong weekly relationship with his daughter, his wife has ensured that his daughters extra curricular are not negatively impacted by the (clearly devastating accident or circumstance at work which has led to such a substantial payout) loss of work. Parents lose jobs. That your eldest child’s dad didn’t suffer any catastrophic incident during his working years was luck. Your youngest child’s dad did. If you were still together you’d have faced the financial terrible the loss of job, and the emotional terror of the loss of health. His “payout” is compensation for the huge negative impact that his employer clearly had a role in. It’s not a replacement of earning and you are entitled to none of it. His earning potential and life has seen a huge hit. He’s still a good dad, he’s still paying for her, (in the form of extra curricular) but as he isnt earning he is not obliged to give you any more.

I think you are disgusting op. He’s not a cash cow. His value to your shared daughter is the same now that he doesn’t earn as much. You just have to cut your cloth.

Everything you discribed is called being a parent, which millions of us do with also working and not needing endless down time. Stop being lazy.

I’m fairly certain you’re trolling us but just in case

Kids are not pay per view.

You are saying you can't love your younger daughter as much because she doesn't net you as much money. Is that really what you are saying?

And no, legally you're not entitled to any of his compensation. He's lost the use of half of his body, have you no compassion? Also, what his wife earns and how she spends that is nothing to do with you.

Maybe speak to CMS and see if they can get him to pay a nominal monthly sum, he should be on some benefits, maybe PIP or ESA, so they might put a claim against that.

I'm sure you can pick up extra hours at work, or find a second job if the ex looks after your daughter a bit more now he has more availability.

Blimey my ex pays 70 a month and my kids rarely go to his anymore when they did it was every other weekend so I could do days out with them aswell

Why can’t you work full time hours? Your oldest DD doesn’t need you around all the time and your youngest has one parent who isn’t working so should be freely available for all childcare.

He’s allowed to make decisions (like leave his job) that best suit his lifestyle. You don’t get to choose to work part time and expect your ex to subsidise your life. You can reasonably expect him to pick up childcare slack to facilitate you working full time though.

The same applies to you though 🙄 the kids are old enough to go to breakfast/after school clubs while you find yourself a proper job! Instead of expecting your exes to pay for your way in life whilst you sit back and relax 🤦🏻‍♀️

You need your weekends off ??
parents don’t generally get weekends off - it’s usually a 24/7 thing !

yours are very - the money is for us / me -

it’s not for u - it’s for DD, and you only have her 1 day more ?

i can’t see the problem ?

You don’t see a problem with the DH doing his hobby on Saturdays, leaving OP to be babysitter?

Why does he get time off but OP doesn’t?

Eh ??
the dad has his DD all weekend every weekend

@Exandstress

Legally you have no recourse to his compensation and since he has no income you have no salary to claim on. I know it is frustrating as hell and exDH and his new wife have probably made the decision for him to not work knowing full well that it eliminates your daughter's maintenance.

The only way you can get anything out of them for your daughter is by being nice, which you are not.

Are you for real? The poor man has lost all feeling in right side & you want some of his money, so you can look after daughter A who is 15 & b who is around 11?
Both kids are in secondary so get off your arse & get a proper job. You are not a single mum, both dads co parent.
My word you give women a bad name! It’s not their job to provide for their children because you want to chill at weekends because you work 25 hours less a week than normal adults. Give yourself a head wobble!!

Did you read the post? Or just do the common Mumsnet reaction of man bad? She has her weekend away from both kids but doesn't work because she needs to "decompress".

I replied to the wrong thread, I meant to post on the thread where the dad is treating his new wife as a nanny for his child.

Dad’s got a lot of nerve. What a CF

so… he’s disabled? And you think that equates to lazy?

you hardly sound stretched…. You are working far less than the rest of us with no weekend childcare responsibilities. If anyone is lazy it’s you.

also, what his wife earns is absolutely not relevant.

What? Dad has his child every weekend, so 3/7. He is disabled and OP has every second weekend entirely child free.

Have you thought about what is going to happen in circa 3 years time when presumably your eldest’s ex stops paying maintenance, and you lose some universal credit as she is also no longer classed as a dependent? You may want to think about working towards being self sufficient in income now as you are likely to see a big drop then.

I don't think you are likely to get much sympathy from the many parents who work full time and haven't had a weekend to themselves for years.

If you have a reasonable claim then make the claim formally through CMS. Otherwise, you're out of luck.

You want a man who can’t use half of his body to gain employment so that you can continue to work 15 hours per week whilst your children are in school and the youngest is cared for all weekend by her dad? Have I understood that correctly?

You could work full time during the week, and would only need to cover your youngest going to a breakfast/ after school club then childcare is sorted and you still have weekends to “relax”. Or, you could “relax” a couple of days a week whilst the kids are at school and then work all weekend plus three days a week during school hours. That would put you up to full time. Or look for a different job.

Many of us work full time as well as parenting full time (after school and weekends) so I am not surprised by the replies you are getting here.

22.30 "He can’t be bothered to work"
22.38 "he was in an accident at work"
23.42 "He lost use of the right side of his body"

You're not making yourself look great here OP!

😂😂😂

From somebody who works 15 hours a week and claims she can't get any more hours in her present job, that's rich!

OP, I'm going to show a little bit more sympathy here. It is hard if a parent loses a job and just doesn't have to pay maintenance, whilst as the main carer of your children you would still be financially responsible whether you had a job or not and would have to find the money somewhere. It is so much more difficult if your income is already low. Also, £190,000 is a significant amount (though obviously nothing would ever compensate for the physical health he has lost) so paying a bit more for yor shared child would not immediately seem unreasonable.

However, working only 15 hours a week when you have two secondary aged kids is unreasonable if you want to increase your finances. There is absolutely no reason you can't work more. I say this as a single parent of kids significantly younger than you who live 100% with me and I work almost full time to support them, knowing this is my only secure income. You are not owed the money from your ex in this case (though hopefully he can contribute a bit more financially) but you can double your salary quickly by working more hours, which is better than feeling bitter because of unrealistic expectations about what you think you are owed