My exes and finances

[Exandstress]

New poster here.
I have 2 DDs aged 15 and 7, they have different dads. My eldest sees her dad every other weekend Saturday and Sunday and he pays me just over £550 a month in maintenance. My other DD sees her dad every Friday after school until Monday morning when he drops her off at school. Until 18 months ago he used to pay me £250 a month as he has 2 children from his new wife at home as well which meant what my daughter gets went down.

His wife has a great job and is the breadwinner in the home. 18 months ago he decided to stop working and instead is staying at home with the kids meaning I was getting nothing. I spoke to his wife about this and she said that they already pay for her gymnastics and art class and thinks that more than covers an acceptable amount. They were already paying these though and I was getting £250 a month on top.

I have just found out that he has won some form of claim against his ex employer and is about to receive £190,000. I messaged him saying some of that money is mine for his daughter and he can’t just ignore her. He has responded saying that the money is not for that and I am not entitled to anything. I told him that I am out £4500 over the last 18 months through no fault of my own and should be entitled to some money. I asked if he is planning on going back to work soon and he said it looks unlikely. I personally think if he can’t work then he shouldn’t be looking after my DD but he wasn’t happy with me saying this.

AIBU to think that I should be entitled to some of the payout from his ex employer. This is money for lost earnings and I lost earnings whilst he wasn’t working.

It’s more advice, listening ear, hand hold not me,me,me

He doesn't earn because he is a SAHP, but he has your dd for nearly half the week and pays for her extracurricular activities. You could legitimately ask him to take your dd for another night once a fortnight so that it's properly 50/50. Or you could ask him to do even more, but then you would need to pay maintenance to him.

He doesn't work so he can't pay you, but he is pulling his weight.

Your ex is playing you at your own game. You don’t want to work and neither does he? Sounds like the next mug who settled for him just had more money than you.

Yep, sounds like that.

Me too, but I still manage to work full time

No one owes you to sit on your arse

Other work establishments other than Tesco are available.

You can work full time hours, you could do every weekend and 3 days during the week while your daughters are at school and then have 2 weekdays off work, at most you would need childcare for 3 afternoons between school pick up and you finishing work, but your 15 yr old may actually be able to help out there if she’s willing.

I’d be more sympathetic if I hadn’t been working full time since DD was 9 months old, paying over twice my mortgage in nursery fees before the 3 year old funding kicked in and using my weekends to catch up on all the stuff I couldn’t do during the week.

Personally I dont think YABU. You sound angry, which i get, so i dont really understand the hate being thrown at you.

Have you contacted CMS?

If your ex is a SAHD, why doesn’t he see more of your joint DD and do school runs etc so you can work more hours and build up your career?

I have to say that men who don’t pay for their DC are utter wankers, especially when he’s just been given a 6 figure pay-out. But if he’s not going to, you can either speak to CMS and see if the lump sum he’s getting can be factored into CM, or get him to do more parenting so you can work more.

Why aren’t your children in school?

I agree if one person in a marriage gives up work to be SAHP, maintenance should still be paid from the working spouse’ wage, as being married it is joint family money. However, saying he shouldn’t have his daughter if he isn’t paying maintenance is wrong

No, she wants him to have less time

This is what I wondered?

If he's receiving 190k compensation for an accident at work then he's had a heck of an accident and doesn't suggest the decision to be a SAHP is remotely down to laziness

He keeps telling me that this money is for his household and for his medical expenses which seems to be saying not for my daughter.

My children are in school

She’s part of his household though.

He lost use of the right side of his body. However, just because he can no longer work manual labour there’s other work out there.

To be fair, he's almost doing 50/50 already.

Exactly so should be treated as such.

That doesn’t equate to giving you money. She’s part of his household 3 night a week and the money will support her there.

I'll give you some credit, I thought this was genuine until you said you need to unwind. Have you got nothing better to do than troll mumsnet?

You must be a troll surely?

And there's full time work out there for you, but yet here you are, working part time and needing a 'rest' at weekends from parenting your school aged kids 🤷‍♀️

He has money, of course he should support his child.

I’m sorry he’s such a shit, OP. And that so many people think it’s just your job to raise your dd.

I’d speak to a lawyer to see if your dd has any entitlement to support from that £190k.