Day of Dad’s funeral; Council demand Mum sell her house day after

[Supersimkin7]

Buried Dad Tuesday.

Mum, 88, Parkinson’s, lost her DH of 60
years. She’s shaking with terror today.

I had hoped Social Services would give Mum 24 hours after her husband’s funeral before calling and demanding she sell her house and be moved to a care home asap, house money to be controlled by council, but it was not to be.

SS want permission from her DC (me and DB) to move her asap - we’ve got a month left of private carers. Mum & Dad have spent £650k of their and our money on care. DM is horribly, painfully disabled and needs 24hr care. There’s £0 left.

I told the social worker before funeral that we wanted DM at home for a while before any more major life changes, in case the shock kills her.

SS know Dad died. They know his will is wrongly written and we can’t do equity release as a result.

SS know we can’t pay for more private care, and that they’ll have to fork out for a couple of months respite care with round the clock carers if she at home.

But they rang DB the morning after the funeral to say they wouldn’t provide any care beyond a toilet break once every eight hours.

DM ran a charity for our part of London for 40 years. She worked tirelessly for locals and newcomers alike for a tiny salary. As net contributors to society go, she’s right up
there.

We all know councils lick their lips at the prospect of getting the cash from a London house.

But AIBU - are these social workers being cruel, greedy and dangerous?

Gently if your Mum isnt safe then she will need to move into a care home immediately. She cannot stay at home on her own. Who would be managing her care? I know from my late parents that councils wont provide care 24 hrs in the elderly person's home.

And as others say - SS dont get the money. It goes to the care home your Mum moves into.

Just take a deep breath here. Who will be looking after her on a 24 hr basis if not a care home? And yes, my late parents paid £££ until they passed away to pay for their own care.

Sometimes SS can be so heartless and don't see the pain people are in, check with CAB but I heard of a thing where if a family member is living in the house they can't sell it, so why not say you are living there?

I’m sorry for your loss.

I’m not surprised though, my coworker’s sibling committed suicide and the remaining siblings were asked to downsize within a couple weeks. While understandable, we were all shocked at how quickly they acted considering the major bereavement of finding the body of your sibling in a very traumatising way.

Would it be an option to have your mother move in with one of you and sell the house at a slower pace?

When did you have your last CHC assessment? Does she not qualify for this yet? My Mum gets part (50/50) CH funded care in the home. She get 8 hours a day of care at home, I’ve heard examples of them doing for 24/7 care in the home. If it’s 24/7 with nursing needs then that should trigger CHC funding? Does she take medication? What are her main symptoms? What interventions does she have (peg etc).

Look at the guide Compass produced https://www.continuing-healthcare.co.uk

and the Parkinson’s Trust

https://www.parkinsons.org.uk/information-and-support/nhs-continuing-healthcare

it’s not that well document that you can get part funded in the home which is easier to get than full funding. What this does is open up having more care in the home as the NHS work off a different criteria than the basic provided by social services whereby they say if your needs aren’t met by the max they think suitable in the home (visits 4 times a day for morning, lunch, dinner and bed that total about 2/2.5hrs) which you are currently battling with.

clearly Parkinson’s isn’t the same as aging gracefully, it’s a neurological degenerative disease with differing factor per sufferer. You need to say you need that CHC assessment fast tracking now and you will not accept nursing home until that’s been undertaken. I think you get 6 weeks free in a care home before they charge against your home. You shouldn’t need to sell either I think one option is to keep and for the council to put the cost of the home as a charge on the house (that’s if you need to pay them, I think with some help from compass you shouldn’t need to!

If you are self-funding, social services will not get involved. It's because you are going cap in hand to social services and demanding they pay for live-in carers (it sounds like) for a couple of months until your mum is ready to move into a care home.

Sorry, but if your mum's needs are deemed to need 24/7 care, then she needs to move into a residential setting urgently. Unfortunately, adult social care is on its knees and, frankly, can't afford to allow everyone to remain at home with a live-in carer.

The Social Worker will not be licking their lips at this, they do not manage council budgets, the head of service does, and it sounds like the social worker has been told no.

Has your mum been assessed for NHS Continuing Care? If she needs round the clock care then she may qualify. Then her care would be funded by the NHS.

Just wanted to also add my sympathy with the position you are in that is adding for trauma to an already traumatic event.

Sadly this appears to be adult social care, I’ve had nothing but trauma in the past 3 years dealing with my Mums care to the point some days I no longer feel like fighting on! But I have my toddler to live for so there’s no east option of giving in.

The council won’t take into account anyone else living in the house unless they are a spouse or otherwise direct relative who is either disabled or aged under 18 or over 60. They must also have lived in the house as their only residence and have been in residence before the person needed care.

They won’t get any money from your mums house because she will be full cost? All of her money will go on the cost of her care to the care home she picks. Could you consider moving in with your mum for a while to provide care so she can stay at home?

So awful OP.
Your Mum can’t sell the house I believe until it’s transferred properly to her, through probate. But as she can’t ER is it left to her, or a life interest? In which case it would be complex to sell the home I imagine.
I recommend legal advice and possibly letting solicitors deal with probate.
I can’t see it has to get, or can be, done so quickly, maybe it’s some automated letter that was less than tactfully sent - been there - but I wouldn’t over panic yet.
Look after you too OP, it’s a difficult time for you all.
oh and I recommend the Elderly Parents or Carers threads on here for experienced advice (not necessarily the legal bit I mean) and also great support - better probably than this in the circumstances.

I don't understand.
You can look after your mom personally like most of the people in the world do and then you don't have to pay anything. Why expecting the taxpayer to fund her care if she owns an expensive house or has children who should take care of her?

It’s difficult to get. I managed to get it for my dad, after a fight, as he had complex and mixed care needs.

You have to qualify in different sections of the form.

Im sorry for your loss @Supersimkin7 .

Social workers can only work within the legislation. There is the Deferred Payment Scheme, which means that the house does not need to go on the market immediately that someone goes into residential care.

Social workers are people with family members too. Many of them will have parents with care needs, subject to the same legislation.

It may be irrelevant, but it does go to the unfairness of it all. A person can spend their entire life trying to make things better for others and when the times comes that they need care, compassion, it is nowhere to be found.

NHS continuing care doesn’t just apply to round the clock care - that’s mainly what care homes are for. For continuing care the needs have to be significant across a range of assessments such as continence, mobility, cognisance, breathing difficulties, skin integrity, behavioural/mental health issues, ability to take nutrition, drug therapies required. To name a few. The care required has to be very significantly above the norm, most people who qualify are those going from hospital directly into care, or entering a terminal stage. It’s stringently assessed and very difficult to secure.

what is "wrongly written" in the will?

Sorry but nobody can provide 24hr care on their own, not being able to go out. Not to mention Ops employer or any other family commitments like children.

What don’t you understand. Not everyone is in a position to look after elderly relatives. Not everyone can afford to give up work for example, and the notion that children ‘should’ take care of their parents at this stage of life is problematic.

And if you re-read OP’s posts, she’s not expecting the tax payer to fund her mums’ care, just some time to catch their breath between her dad’s funeral and her mum going into care.

If you don’t think it would cost anything for OP to look after her mum herself, you might want to give your head a wobble. Unpaid carers are some of the most under rated people in the country. They save the tax payer a fortune - often at great personal cost.

Just here to repeat the suggestion upthread that the beneficiaries of OP's DF's will consider writing a deed of variation to make it easier for DM to use the equity in the house to pay for care at home if that's what she really wants. Although, that means the whole value is at risk. And, she might be lonelier. Lots of factors to consider.

How long should they wait?

Fully agreed, thoughtless.
She may also need 2 carers at a time and 24/7 care - no one can physically manage that. Or some nursing care.
Previously it seems her husband may have helped but couldn’t do all the care, hence the massive costs.
OP honestly, get yourself over to Elderly Parents - saved my sanity at times - plus their experience is broader.

Unfortunately l think it’s a sad fact of life that in this case they can’t wait. If OP’s mum only has a month of private care funding left, no family available to provide the care she needs and she can’t be left alone, then entry into a suitable care facility is a matter of urgency. So the house will have to be sorted and either sold, or a deferred payment agreement arranged if there is no other funding. I can’t see any alternative unless equity can be arranged to fund more private care at home. Time appears to be a factor in every option because there is no more cash available..

If you are paying for care then you choose. If care is being funded by local authority they call the shots. That's the rules AFAIK.

An individual can't look after someone with advanced Parkinsons, the care needs are too great. The OP's mother needs professional carers, not well meaning relatives.

But you can't sell a house just like that to pay for care fees, there are processes to go through. The OP needs to calm down and seek advice.

I'm really sorry for your loss and the ongoing situation, it sounds very hard. I don't know the logistics or legalities of what's going on however whatever they are, it is very, very callous of SS to contact you regarding this a day after the funeral.

I hope you'll seek legal advice about the whole situation to see where you stand.