Day of Dad’s funeral; Council demand Mum sell her house day after

[Supersimkin7]

Buried Dad Tuesday.

Mum, 88, Parkinson’s, lost her DH of 60
years. She’s shaking with terror today.

I had hoped Social Services would give Mum 24 hours after her husband’s funeral before calling and demanding she sell her house and be moved to a care home asap, house money to be controlled by council, but it was not to be.

SS want permission from her DC (me and DB) to move her asap - we’ve got a month left of private carers. Mum & Dad have spent £650k of their and our money on care. DM is horribly, painfully disabled and needs 24hr care. There’s £0 left.

I told the social worker before funeral that we wanted DM at home for a while before any more major life changes, in case the shock kills her.

SS know Dad died. They know his will is wrongly written and we can’t do equity release as a result.

SS know we can’t pay for more private care, and that they’ll have to fork out for a couple of months respite care with round the clock carers if she at home.

But they rang DB the morning after the funeral to say they wouldn’t provide any care beyond a toilet break once every eight hours.

DM ran a charity for our part of London for 40 years. She worked tirelessly for locals and newcomers alike for a tiny salary. As net contributors to society go, she’s right up
there.

We all know councils lick their lips at the prospect of getting the cash from a London house.

But AIBU - are these social workers being cruel, greedy and dangerous?

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the situation your mother is in.

Your mother needs 24/7 care and is not able to pay for it. The local authority will not fund live-in care. You have a month to prepare her for residential care - have you started looking? It's very hard, I know, but it's how it is. She has no cash but she is sitting on a (very) large amount of capital and this needs to be realised for her care.

You'd have thought that a decent interval, say the rest of the week, might have been allowed but I am sorry to say I'm not surprised that it wasn't. The staff involved will consider that they are acting promptly to ensure that your mother gets the support she needs, and when courtesies cost money I'm afraid they're out the window.

Sorry for your loss OP

This. Sadly

If I'm reading your post correctly it sounds like your parents self-funded their care to the tune of £650k, then when this money ran out they/your mum received council-funded care in the form of private carers at home. Assume this was the best option for your mum at the time, perhaps because your dad was helping with care?

Now your dad has died, your mum will be on her own in the house and needs 24/7 care and the council have deemed that money is better spent on a care home. There is no longer a partner living in the house, so the value of the house becomes available in means-testing terms.

It's easy for people to say that councils are in crisis re: social care funding (it's true) and that they legally have to have these conversations (also true) but when you are on the receiving end of them at such a grief-stricken time they feel absolutely intrusive, cold and ruthless. When my Parkinson's and dementia-ridden dad was in hospital, he had a stroke. I received a call early in the morning from the matron and she said, and I quote: "'Your dad's had a stroke this morning, we're waiting to see how bad it is, but he's going to need 24-hour care now if he ever does get discharged, does he have more than £23k in savings? You'll have to sort it all out as a family if he does."

You can be the strongest advocate of people being responsible for funding their own care, and still agree that there is a right time and tone for these conversations. Ie. not the day after your husband's funeral or when informing a child their parent's just had a stroke. Even 48 hours after would be something.

Others have given lots of practical advice, but I'd definitely look into NHS continuing healthcare if you haven't already, and maybe contact Compass for advice: https://www.continuing-healthcare.co.uk/continuing-healthcare-guidance/funding-a-care-home I'm very sorry for what you're dealing with, it's all incredibly stressful and one of those things that's hard to appreciate until you go through it.

How upsetting for you.

i recommend you call Age UK for some advice.

Hi

I haven't read all the comments but could your Mum not live with you or your brother and family provide care?

Unfortunately the council don't have an abundance of money to care for the elderly so if your Mum has assets, they need to be sold to facilitate care.

Of course the timing is awful but I'm sure it's not been done on purpose.

While I agree with you about the insensitivity, a matron is neither social services nor the council. This one’s on the NHS.

Is it possible for you to look after your mother? Unfortunately if not her care does need to be paid for .

How long was there between the death and the funeral? If there was a long wait for the funeral, maybe the council have already waited longer than they would have done otherwise.

So you’ve been paying for private care from your parents savings. This money is spent.

Your mum needs a high level of care. You have presumably approached social services to access social care for her. They have said they cannot meet her needs at home and have offered residential care but your mum will need to sell her house to pay for that.

Is that correct? Have they a suitable residential place for her?

True. My point was more just the lack of sensitivity that can often be a hallmark of these conversations, regardless of who's having them.

Disgusting behaviour OP, but it doesn't surprise me. Councils are stuffed full of useless, insensitive people.

If I was you, I'd complain about them ringing you so soon after your father died, but I doubt it will do any good.

How long do you expect them to wait for you to sort out your parent’s affairs?

Are you suggesting their only waiting till the day after is reasonable??

So sorry for your loss OP. 💐

Understandably emotions are running high it’s an awful time but it does sound as though you are being told what they want you to do as opposed to legally what you are required to do. Your fathers will / assets sounds as though it would fall into probate category which means probate needs to be granted first.

Take a step back and inform them you are taking legal guidance - speak with age concern and contact a probate specialist.

@Supersimkin7
Can't help with any advice I'm afraid - but just to say I'm very sorry for your loss and the additional stress and worry this is putting you through 💐

Sorry to add - POA is only valid for someone who is alive. You may well have had POA for him but you wouldn’t now and should inform the court of protection

it also sounds like there is no LPA s in place, is it possible to sort this or is Mum not in a place to be considered of sound mind? THat then would swing decision making to you or whoever is named LPA - the process does take a few weeks though.

I think you need to put practical hats on and start sorting things - that may give you some time in terms having cash available for sorting the house and Mum's care. I would be surprised if they can find her a spot in local care homes that quickly to be honest and also if private or jointly funded then they will often require to see xyz, ooo in the bank to keep payments going for the predicted lifespan of the patient etc. It is all very hard nosed unfortunately. Money should be in control of the guardian appointed by the court - ss can apply but so can others. I think you would do well to consult with a lawyer about the whole situation so that the finances don't get swallowed up to quickly and Mum has plenty to fund her. Initially for e.g. if the house can be sorted could it be rented out?

Lots of options and the executors of will should know what they are about. If its somehow in a trust its a whole different kettle of fish as well (not sure how an equity release could not be possible any other way - and if in a trust could be protected if set up right.

Good Luck and so sorry to hear all this - its a very difficult time and tough decisions have to be made and remaining family need to support each other

Please get a good solicitor now.

Please complain in writing by letter to your local councillor with copy to your MP as to the insensitive approach

It's all very unclear but the part I absolutely don't understand is the council "licking their lips at the sale of a London house". It seems incredible that your parents have spent £650,000 on care to date. That's the equivalent of nearly 10 years in a really good care home. Have they been poorly advised?

Op i know it might seem cold but they / you need to get your DMum moved into a home ASAP.
It wouldn't matter if they gave a week or two grace, she wouldn't be much less raw than she is today.

It sounds like the sooner you get the house on the market the better.
BTW I don't particularly agree with people having to pay care fees but I can't see it changing any time soon

Can you say a bit more about the will, OP? Have you looked into whether it would be possible to vary it?

It sounds like the premise of the council is correct but I agree they could have waited a week.

Im sorry. Its horrible.
My ddad died many years ago. Mums modest home has been sold, she rented for a few years in a retirement complex, spent a bit on private carers and now we are spending on a care home @£1350 a week.
I would take a step away from the council
Go and find the best private care home you can and do a financial assessment with them.