Day of Dad’s funeral; Council demand Mum sell her house day after

[Supersimkin7]

Buried Dad Tuesday.

Mum, 88, Parkinson’s, lost her DH of 60
years. She’s shaking with terror today.

I had hoped Social Services would give Mum 24 hours after her husband’s funeral before calling and demanding she sell her house and be moved to a care home asap, house money to be controlled by council, but it was not to be.

SS want permission from her DC (me and DB) to move her asap - we’ve got a month left of private carers. Mum & Dad have spent £650k of their and our money on care. DM is horribly, painfully disabled and needs 24hr care. There’s £0 left.

I told the social worker before funeral that we wanted DM at home for a while before any more major life changes, in case the shock kills her.

SS know Dad died. They know his will is wrongly written and we can’t do equity release as a result.

SS know we can’t pay for more private care, and that they’ll have to fork out for a couple of months respite care with round the clock carers if she at home.

But they rang DB the morning after the funeral to say they wouldn’t provide any care beyond a toilet break once every eight hours.

DM ran a charity for our part of London for 40 years. She worked tirelessly for locals and newcomers alike for a tiny salary. As net contributors to society go, she’s right up
there.

We all know councils lick their lips at the prospect of getting the cash from a London house.

But AIBU - are these social workers being cruel, greedy and dangerous?

I'm sorry for your loss @Supersimkin7 . Unfortunately the SS can be pretty unfeeling in this situation, your DM has a house so they want it sold to pay for her care Asap, no regard for a sick woman whose lost her DH.

I am so sorry to hear about your dad and the poor timing from SS.

I don't understand why ss will control the house money ,or why they are calling the shots

We all know councils lick their lips at the prospect of getting the cash from a London house

This is a weird way of putting it. Apart from anything else councils don't get the cash from the sale of the house.

Which London borough are you talking about?

Sorry for your loss OP. You must be grieving for your DF & to have to deal with this the day after his funeral must be difficult to say the least.

Your poor DM how awful for her dealing with the grief of losing her DH & now having to pack up & move out of the home that they shared together.

However, the world is run by people who only see a spreadsheet and take no account of the people behind the figures.

My DM cared for my DF for many years as his Parkinson's & dementia progressed. After the police found DF wondering the streets in the early hours of the morning one rainy November wearing only his incontinence pants (and strangely socks - which he hadn't been able to put on unassisted for several years) SS decided that she could no longer keep him safe and imposed a move into a home. They were both miserable being separated after 60(odd) years of marriage (though me, DH or one of our adult DCs took her to visit every day) and my DF died less than 3 months after the move.

If that is the case then it's possible to revoke, given the person he has left his portion to is willing, but is has to be done within 2 years (I think) of the death. We had to do this for my father. I gave up the half of the house that had been left to me in trust, essentially turning it back into my mum having full ownership, and was then able to take equity release for her care.

I would guess that what’s actually happened is that SS are trying to put appropriate steps in place for her in terms of care going forward, and have said that as she now needs residential care, she will have to contribute to the cost including selling the house. SS do not carry out the financial assessment, they arrange appropriate care packages. The LA do the financial assessment.

Presumably if the OPs DM needs 24 hour care and all liquid funds have been consumed providing care then the LA will potentially 'call the shots' because they will be funding whatever care is provided next. Presumably the LA want to pay for the cheapest, adequate care and that in this case this appears to be a residential/nursing home. If those assumptions are correct then the LA won't want to fund more expensive 24 care at home even on a temporary basis and the OP won't want to leave her mother without care. The OP wants her DM to have some breathing space at home but unless she can manage the LA to force a delay, she doesn't have the power to force the LA to provide the care she wants.

I’m amazed that someone who needs 24/7 care hasn’t qualified for Continuing Care funding.

The council won’t get the money from the sale of your mums house, the care company or care home will. Any left over will be yours. The council aren’t paid a “bonus” for house sales to fund care.

I am truly sorry for the loss of your dad, but surely this had been planned for??

If someone needs care they can ask the council for a care assessment. If the council identify care needs they must meet them. The ops parents (or mum if was just her mum who needed care) would then have a financial assessment to determine whether the LA would fund all the care/support or if she needed to contribute financially. I'm assuming this is why sc are involved.

However, the world is run by people who only see a spreadsheet and take no account of the people behind the figures.

No, the social care system is funded by taxpayers who have, for over a decade, demanded and got cuts in services because they didn't want to pay higher taxes. The amount of money allocated to social care budgets is well blow the amount required to provide a good quality of care for all, never mind a quality of care based on personal choice. And that applies to all social care, from birth to grave.

This is what the public voted for. This is what they have got. Don't blame the people burning out trying to make it work in a system that is underfunded and broken. They didn't break it.

Op sorry for your loss, I appreciate that a lot of posters have said similar things and I know a few have maybe not phrased things in the fluffiest way taking into account your situation but they are all trying to help honestly.

Am I right in thinking that your parents have self funded care up to this point and the money has now run out. The only source of funding now would be from the sale of the property.

Your mum needs 24/7 care, in this situation if there is no cash to fund it privately then the only option is a care home, the state wont cover 24/7 in home care.

If your mum is being offered a care home place funded by the state (I cant remember exactly which budget this ends up coming from, I think local council but ultimately it doesn't matter its the state in one way or another) they will expect the house to be sold the help with the funding. There are ways as other posters have mentioned to defer this but ultimately it will happen.

Unfortunately if the money has run out and you are not able to do equity release then there is no longer any way for your mum to stay at home with 24/7 care and she will have to move into a care home.

They are truly unfeeling and always have been i knew a family whose husband had cancer hers was going to die it cost them everything house business the lot they were in an unsuitable house he couldn't physically get out of (private rental) he spent months waiting for a council house (which is fast as we know) on the day of his funeral they rang his wife to say pick up the keys we have a property for you she said too late he is dead they continued to ring her all day demanding she come collect these keys despite her telling them on call one she was BURYING HIM THAT DAY they continued to ring and harrass her into collecting the keys she gets there they ask if he is available to sign his name too she said I told you he is dead (he hadn't actually been told this to be fair) it was one horrific blow after another

So yes I can believe some departments will make demands instead of giving people a day to process

It isn’t about the house, it’s about your mum. If she needs 24 hour care which you cannot fund for longer than a month, then this is the start of an arrangement to move her into a care home when that time ends. All social services are doing is trying to make sure your mum is safe and cared for. They really don’t give a crap about the house, honestly. Social workers are trained to look after the person and that’s what they’re trying to do here. I know the timing sucks. I expect the financial assessment team sent the info pack without knowing anything about funeral dates and it’s just really bad luck that it’s arrived today.

OP I am really sorry for your loss and the treatment you have received. I would recommend the Facebook group Safeguarding Futures - https://www.facebook.com/share/g/1MZkhBR9dX/?mibextid=wwXIfr - the admins are really amazing support with navigating social care in the UK.

Who did you think was going to look after her? People need to be paid. Why don’t you and your brother care for her then you can save all the money?

I think there is a balance to be struck here, but it sounds as though the council have missed the mark. They do need to prioritise moving your DM & selling the property to free up cash to fund her care (or so it sounds). However, it would’ve been better if they had have waited a week or so after the funeral has passed - rather than rushing to the next step - it really lacks empathy.
I know (years ago) motability used to be really understanding following the bereavement of a loved one & ask you to agree a date in the future to return the car. I.e if it was needed for a few weeks whilst you wrapped up the persons estate, they facilitated this. You simply agreed the return date & booked it in.
There’s no reason why SS couldn’t have agreed a date a little after the funeral to get the ball rolling. It sounds like the person managing it is a bit heartless.

I think it's that the council won't fund her DMs care as she has an asset, ie the house. So that would need to be sold to pay for the care before the council will step in? The LA aren't going to get to keep the money from the house. The care company will.

It's insensitive that they did it so quickly. But presumably they're only involved because she was trying to get them to fund her care, else they wouldn't be involved at all?

A charge can be put on your mother’s property. The care home fees will be covered by the local council (plus interest) and repaid after she dies and the house is sold.

I’m sorry for your loss @Supersimkin7 . FWIW I think the council are being both thoughtless and cruel.

I think you need to put your mother at the centre of this issue. She is 88 with Parkinson’s. She needs 24 hour care and some of that care will be health care (even if the continuing care assessment doesn’t state that). She cannot remain in her home without 24 hour care.

This is possibly why SS are pushing for an immediate move. Kindly this type of care is often beyond the capability of relatives. SS may take the view that your mother is not safe in the current setup without private carers even for a short period of time.

I think you need to accept that the only option is that she goes into a home. And that you can best help her by making the transition as painless as possible.

The sale of the house to fund that care is a long way off. I don’t believe the decision to move her now is prompted by anything other than it is the safest thing for her now.

OP there is no other solution if you don’t have the money for private carers. Councils have never paid for that level of care for older people. They don’t have that level of funding or the number of carers needed.

I get you're upset - but as funerals are now so long after deaths it's likely they have given you a few weeks or if like Dad's an entire month.

Likely they had no idea funeal was so soon - or person ringing didn't or couldn't wait any longer - but do need to get on with getting your Dmum sorted so she is safe.

You have a month funding left and care package in place it will likely take that long to find correct care home.

I assume any money bar the house is now gone - not sure why they will been written wrong but they can force the sale of assets and it's likely that was what they were warning about as well as getting your Dmum safe.

I'd try and calm down - get in touch with the social worker with the case - e-mail may be better - get them to confim you have a month left with package and check what happens then and when they plan to do changes and why they apparently have to move so soon -- it could be a suitable place has come up and can't be held for a month or crossed wires- but ask.

Also you should ask for this to be moved from AIBU to the elderly parents topic as I don’t think you’ll get a lot of helpful responses on here

I'm so sorry OP for your loss and for the added anguish that you and your family are going through as a result of SS. I have been in similar-ish situation regarding SS and care so I have some idea of what you are going through. IME SS are not always right, or fair. You need to fight hard and loud in every direction you can think of. Consult a solicitor quickly and kick up a shitstorm. It's important SS know that this won't be easy pickings for them and that you are willing to take things as far as you need to. Don't just accept or believe what they tell you, and don't assume they won't stoop very low indeed to get what they want. If they are coming to the house to speak to your mother, make sure you have at least 2 people there (you plus trusted friend for example) to represent her. Don't allow yourself to be distracted by one SW while the other uses that to question your mother in a way that engineers answers they want. SS are less able to deploy unfair, or downright incorrect methods when being dealt with via a solicitor. Be prepared for a dirty fight. I'm not in London but can recommend a firm in the South East who specilaise in this sort of thing. I have engaged them twice and been successful both times. Message me privately if you want details. So sorry again, I would give you a hug if I could. 🤗