My DH “ran into” his ex

[Erras]

Hi, so DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 3 and have a 22 month old daughter together.

On Saturday DH took our toddler to visit his friends in London, when he got home he told he he’d ran into his ex, in the train station (a very big and busy central long station), he told me that he stopped and had a coffee with her. They broke up 6 or so years ago, she doesn’t live in the uk and like I said this was a massive station so I already find the probability of that being an incidental run in being very low (but then I’m always highly suspicious of coincidences). He still follows her on instagram etc.

I asked why he stopped for coffee and he said that he didn’t really know why, he just wanted to catchup with her and see how life had treated them. I don’t why but it makes me really uncomfortable that my daughter was there for this conversation. He told me that they probably chatted for about an hour or so, she had just arrived in London so was in no hurry and the trains to our town are pretty frequent so he wasn’t really clock watching.

I let it go as I didn’t really want to cause an argument and I felt like I’d been irrational.

Then tonight he left his phone on the counter and I saw her name flash up, I asked why she was messaging and he told me that they had spoken about some films/songs/books and she had just sent a list of recommendations, he offered his phone for me to check this myself.

I told him that I do trust him but I find him being friendly with his ex makes me quite anxious. He said he understands and that he wouldn’t say they are friends just someone he ran into following up and n part of the conversation, but he thinks after this time and me being the one he married and had a child with he feels that if he did want to be friends with her he should be able to. I asked if he wanted to be her friend and he told me that he wouldn’t be against both of us meeting up for wine with her and her partner or going to see a film together. He told me that there are some hobbies he shares with her (Foreign language films, philosophy, tennis, F1) that he doesn’t share with me and while that doesn’t mean he wants her or doesn’t love me it’s just that we are both allowed to have hobbies which the other doesn’t share and as long as we do have some joint hobbies it shouldn’t be something I feel threatened by.

None the less I really don’t feel comfortable with him being friends with his ex. In some ways I think it’s because I have low self esteem and feel like she is more attractive, more intelligent and more fun to be around.

I’ve asked my friends and they seem split on if I’m being unfair or not.

AIBU to A) doubt that it was really an incidental run in and B) not be comfortable with them being friends.

Based on their messaging and his desire to see her again, I’d say it was a planned meet up. Sorry, OP.

I would feel similar. I think I would be honest that actually I'm not comfortable them being friends, no matter how unreasonable that makes me. If my DP said the same to me, I'd respect his feelings and not pursue a friendship with an ex if it made him uncomfortable, even if I thought it was unreasonable for him to feel that way.

Yes, I feel deeply that way too. I just find it unlikely he’d happen to run into her in St Pancras station and have an hour to spare for coffee when she doesn’t even live in the uk anymore and he seldom goes into London. He claims it was totally incidental though.

I ran into an ex at a mutual friends wedding, once I was with my current partner. For some reason or another I ended up with his number in my phone (lifts/car pick ups something. Can’t remember) my point is…the minute I woke up I deleted it. I knew it was hurtful, I knew it would be strange, and could even be a temptation. THAT is what you do. He is married to you, and none should get in the way. Your hubby should not be doing anything to make you question him.

I'm sorry OP but it sounds almost certainly a pretty arranged meeting.

I think that they obviously are still very interested in each other and that there has been a lot of messaging etc between the two.of them that he has kept from.you.

He has two very young children. His focus should be on you - his wife and partner in life- and his children. I think you really need to talk to him about boundaries as a married man.

Yeah I’d be phone snooping.

YANBU, it definitely sounds off to me. I would be very annoyed if my DH took my DD along to the coffee that they had, that would make me very uncomfortable (incidental or not).

I mean I don’t have to snoop he has offered for me to look which just makes me think he will have deleted anything incriminating.

How can they share those hobbies (other than to chat about them) if she lives overseas?

How usual /unusual is it for him to take DD off to visit friends on his own ??

You're being a bit OTT about DD being there for 'that' conversation. She's 22 months old. Who Daddy is talking to about what is really rather irrelevant.

I’d be looking on all the mediums. WhatsApp. Facebook messenger. Instagram. Does he have Snapchat?

I guess they can chat about them via text or call and when she is in the UK meet up.
He takes DD to his friends about once a month so I can have a long lie etc. normally he drives but we only have one car and I’d committed to taking my sister to the airport.

As far as I know he doesn’t have Facebook or Snapchat but I’ll ask to look.

Difficult one and I can see how you would feel this way, but it also seems odd he would do this with your child if it was in fact arranged.

If it was me, on the friendship I would see how things panned out a bit. Friendships with exes are possible (a friend of mine introduced her ex to his new partner, and we all still hang out, her new partner included!) It depends on the individual dynamic, but I don't think I would be completely dismissing that it could be innocent quite yet.

He has 2 young children does he? I hope he's told the OP about the other one!!

ooh I dunno OP I think if he is usually trustworthy this would not ring alarm bells for me.

I live in London and yes - I have bumped into people in central london! it does happen.

And surely if you know someone well - ie. had a serious relationship - you would just say hey got time to stop for coffee? and then you might follow up with a - nice to see you text.

For me, this is within the bounds of normal - in fact, I think if you immediately think he is out and out lying that's a massive massive issue -

Only you know if your instinct is right but if you immediately think he is being completely devious surely either that's a massive red flag or you have major trustr issues?

To be fair though there are very few men on this planet I’d rather sleep with less than my ex. I have nothing against him particularly he’s perfectly nice but I just wouldn’t go back there. It gives me the ick.

My husband wouldn’t like it if I started palling around with him but there genuinely would not be a reason for concern

Does he actually want to be friends with her? It sounds like he was saying in theory he wouldn't see anything wrong with being friends with her but in reality he wouldn't really call her a friend at the moment?

You are married to this man and mistrust him to this extent?

That you think he would tell a large and deliberate lie and arrange to meet a long past ex in town along with his child? that's a massive lie!

I’m sorry but how could you sit with you partner having a glass of wine with your ex. To me that’s weird. It be a firm no.

I guess I’ve just never ran into someone in central London but then most of my friends are more local so that may be why I’m so doubtful of this.

As for the trust, I generally trust him, he has female friends he’s known forever and I have no issues with them, it just feels off to me with his ex but I can’t really explain why.

Who initiated the break up?

For context, I'm still friends with some of my exes and it is completely innocent. I wouldn't go near them again in a million years even if DH left me tomorrow. But, if he met her accidentally then I'm the Queen of Sheba. That was pre-arranged. And the fact that he's claiming it was all a huge coincidence would make me feel very uneasy about it.

He is right; you can't stop him from being friends with her. All you can do is decide what you're willing to tolerate. I think it might be worth sitting him down after your DC are in bed, so there's no interruptions, and reminding him that he is about an inch away from making you doubt him, losing your trust and fucking up everything he currently has, so he needs to be very aware that there will be no second chances if he fucks up.

I believe he broke up with her but I think it was more circumstantial than anything else. She got offered a job in her home country and she really wanted to take it, he didn’t want to do long distance or move etc.

I doubt it was a planned meet up. These things do actually happen. It does sound like they've reconnected though and whilst I am firmly in the camp of men and women can be friends and even exes, it is important to be mindful of your current partner's feelings.

I'd take the meeting for what it was, but ongoing contact? Just no.

Exes are exes for a reason. Unless part of you is still holding on....

I’ve bumped into people I used to know in London before (I don’t live there or go very often), including an ex. It actually did cross my mind to ask if he wanted to go for coffee but I didn’t, because it did feel slightly wrong/odd.

That doesn’t mean I think your DH has done anything wrong though. Going for coffee with an ex in a train station when your toddler is with you doesn’t really seem like an illicit romantic meet up to me.