My DH “ran into” his ex

[Erras]

Hi, so DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 3 and have a 22 month old daughter together.

On Saturday DH took our toddler to visit his friends in London, when he got home he told he he’d ran into his ex, in the train station (a very big and busy central long station), he told me that he stopped and had a coffee with her. They broke up 6 or so years ago, she doesn’t live in the uk and like I said this was a massive station so I already find the probability of that being an incidental run in being very low (but then I’m always highly suspicious of coincidences). He still follows her on instagram etc.

I asked why he stopped for coffee and he said that he didn’t really know why, he just wanted to catchup with her and see how life had treated them. I don’t why but it makes me really uncomfortable that my daughter was there for this conversation. He told me that they probably chatted for about an hour or so, she had just arrived in London so was in no hurry and the trains to our town are pretty frequent so he wasn’t really clock watching.

I let it go as I didn’t really want to cause an argument and I felt like I’d been irrational.

Then tonight he left his phone on the counter and I saw her name flash up, I asked why she was messaging and he told me that they had spoken about some films/songs/books and she had just sent a list of recommendations, he offered his phone for me to check this myself.

I told him that I do trust him but I find him being friendly with his ex makes me quite anxious. He said he understands and that he wouldn’t say they are friends just someone he ran into following up and n part of the conversation, but he thinks after this time and me being the one he married and had a child with he feels that if he did want to be friends with her he should be able to. I asked if he wanted to be her friend and he told me that he wouldn’t be against both of us meeting up for wine with her and her partner or going to see a film together. He told me that there are some hobbies he shares with her (Foreign language films, philosophy, tennis, F1) that he doesn’t share with me and while that doesn’t mean he wants her or doesn’t love me it’s just that we are both allowed to have hobbies which the other doesn’t share and as long as we do have some joint hobbies it shouldn’t be something I feel threatened by.

None the less I really don’t feel comfortable with him being friends with his ex. In some ways I think it’s because I have low self esteem and feel like she is more attractive, more intelligent and more fun to be around.

I’ve asked my friends and they seem split on if I’m being unfair or not.

AIBU to A) doubt that it was really an incidental run in and B) not be comfortable with them being friends.

If it’s something he wants to do, and you don’t, I’d say YABU. Can you meet him at the end and have a holiday together then?

I think bumping into her at St Pancras is believable. Sitting for an hour having a coffee and catch up with her is ok - but starts to make it move into the suspicious territory, I can see why you might think he’s planned it, but it could still be the truth. Keeping in touch makes it disrespectful - all the people in the world and he wants to start up a friendship with an ex? Honestly. That’s the bit that would piss me off.

I think for me the suspicion come from the way things ended. She left for a job so he ended things. So in his mind, on some level, is she the one that got away?

They are exes for a reason. I have an ex who I have been friends with since we split up over forty years ago. We were both single for a long time before we met other people, so we could have got back together at any time if we'd wanted to

Our instinct exists for a reason. This screams red flag. Unlikely that it is an affair but for whatever reason he wants his ego stroked and that’s just icky.

Crikey people are so over analytical on here and jealous. I wouldn't be remotely concerned

I think his behaviour is totally disrespectful. I wouldn't be happy about going for a coffee, let alone texting afterwards.

I also don't understand why he is doubling down - what is he hoping to gain from upsetting you further? Especially over an ex.

@Erras If you have a relationship with a man who goes out of his way to talk to women, then there's always a risk that he's going to talk to a woman who isn't you.

Trust your gut. Even if they did bump into each other unexpectedly and have a catch up (which in itself isn’t unreasonable), him wanting to continue that thread of communication is a red flag. Especially when he knows how uncomfortable it makes you.

When a person is in a happy, secure and committed relationship, they don’t risk that in order to develop a ‘friendship/relationship’ with an ex partner. He’s being disingenuous with you and possibly lying to himself about his real feelings.

Affairs don’t just happen. The whole ‘we just couldn’t help it’ is nonsense. People choose to prioritise communication with someone they are attracted above their partner, over and over again, until they can no longer deny what that relationship really is.

Haven't RTFT but my first thought is he told you because someone saw him there with her. Would he have told you otherwise...?

None of it sounds that suspect to me. I’ve run into my brother in a London train station before.

But I also think (a) gut feelings matter and (b) he’s stupid for saying he wants to chat foreign films and philosophy with his ex. Er, read the room, that’s never going to make your wife feel good!!!

I believe it was incidental, it can happen at ST Pancreas,
Why would he have told you if he was hiding something, he gave you an extremely plausible explanation, I think you seem insecure

If it was planned, surely he would have kept it a secret and not told you at all?

I mean it's possible he bumped into her, it does happen. I wouldn't be impressed at his suggestion of being pally and double dates with his ex though.

Trust your gut.. you obviously don’t trust him - or his decision making, I wondered why; any previous history?
Snoop on your terms not when he offers you the phone. I’d consider changing her number in his phone to a good friends’ number for a temporary period, so you can see if he messages and what the tone is… xxx

I bump in to people in London quite frequently. Especially somewhere like King’s Cross so I wouldn’t rule it out.

I can see why you feel uncomfortable and I would too. But I can also see why he might enjoy a friendship with someone he was once close with and shared hobbies with. Tricky.

This comes across as he’s complimenting her to test the water (“you look well”) and prolonging the conversation in an unnecessary, obvious and needy way (“which should I read first” - who needs to ask that?) and she is setting boundaries by mentioning you.

I've run into people I know not only in London but in very random destinations. Went for a solo meal in Brussels once and was sat at the next table to an ex-FWB. I went for a coffee with him because we both had time to kill.

I can't be doing with the "no reason to be friends with your ex" controlling crowd. Your right to set your boundaries in your relationships but it's absurd to me.

None the less I really don’t feel comfortable with him being friends with his ex. In some ways I think it’s because I have low self esteem and feel like she is more attractive, more intelligent and more fun to be around.

I just wouldn't have the patience to deal with a man who said that to me. The whole "you should reassure your partner regardless of their irrational paranoia" argument is irrelevant because no one who thought like this would get to be my partner.

I tend to agree with him.
He’s Respected you discomfort and put you and the marriage first.
He isn’t doing anything wrong, and he’s been treated like he is. It is unfair and a pattern to avoid.

I once ran into my ex at a motorway service station. If I hadn’t have been with my new partner and them with theirs and multiple kids and all of us in our way somewhere I probably would have suggested a catch up over a coffee to see how they were. I don’t think that is weird. Maybe I wouldn’t be texting after the event.

He’s technically not done anything wrong, and it very well could be a coincidence, but that’s really not the point - he decided to be with you and have children with you. He should therefore be prioritising you. He’s playing with fire, whichever way you swing it, and the clear boundary setting the other woman is displaying suggests she realises it too.

Well I’m definitely not going to do this, me being deceitful isn’t going to help if he is genuinely innocent, if he did that to me I’d end the marriage.

I think it was planned.

Oh come on. It doesn't scream anything. Instincts are not infallible and the op has admitted she is insecure. I cannot fault anything in the communications thus far if the people involved are rational grown ups and not adolescent drama llamas. ...as quite a few on this thread I suspect are, and I say that as someone whose exH left for an OW. I'm not naive but I don't see "screaming red flags" at every turn.

I think this is pretty disgusting. He's in a no-win situation. Even when he's said you can check his phone (which is incredibly controlling) you think it's because he's hiding anything incriminating.